Friend asked to join book club - how to politely say no?

[Anonymous]

People have a right to socialize as they see fit. If OP and her book club friends want to keep membership closed, I see nothing wrong with that at all. Not a sign of snoberry or cliqueishness, either.

If you don't want her there, say no. If you're not sure if the others want her to join, ask them. You can always tell her membership is closed but you can let her know if that changes in the future.

Again, I see nothing wrong with wanting to socialize with the people you want to socialize with. It's a free country -- and that doesn't mean everyone has a right to join your bookclub!!

[Anonymous]

Don't let her in. You will regret it.

Offer to start a new book club with her and rally some other women to join. You can fade out once it is going strong and you won't be as missed.

It is 100% perfectly acceptable to have a group of people you hang with and not let everyone who asks in. It does not make you cliquish or a snob.

Getting a semi-late group together that functions well, no bickering, etc. is a SMALL MIRACLE.

Do not eff with it lightly!

[Anonymous]

Just say oh my book club sucks. The women are boring and I can’t stand them.

[Anonymous]

To all the people saying OP is a "terrible friend" and a snob trying to look intellectual and exclusive -- do you have any friends or friend groups that actually matter to you? That you have picked because you click? Or do you just operate under an open-door policy, that anyone who crosses paths with you can be your friend? That's just weird.

[Anonymous]

Start another book club with the friend. It'll be fun and you'll meet new people. Keep your old book club crew as it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Truly. Think about your statement. Truly think about it -- and how hyperbolic it is.
Imagine this conversation:

"What are you reading?"
"Oh, Midcoast, a woman in my book club recommended it!"
"Oh, cool, interested in that too."

Months later..."Hey, I'm looking to join a book club, can I join yours?"

Things come up organically and in passing. Mentioning an activity you're a part of is not a DANGLING OF A COVETED SOCIAL CARROT designed to alienate a friend. Are you supposed to hide your activities from your friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Pretty soon her friend should know what type of a friend the OP is to her. I find this to be very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all the people saying OP is a "terrible friend" and a snob trying to look intellectual and exclusive -- do you have any friends or friend groups that actually matter to you? That you have picked because you click? Or do you just operate under an open-door policy, that anyone who crosses paths with you can be your friend? That's just weird.

Seriously! If any of you have people you click with, you are truly not much of a friend to others. You should be close friends with everyone you meet and you should also launch a 1,000 member book club. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

It’s not a book club posted on a flier at Barnes and Noble that anyone can show up to. It’s a regular meeting of decade long friends. It will change the dynamic.


Just tell her that your book club has always been the same group and you have never added a member before.

[Anonymous]

Would it work to say something like:

We’re actually a support group left over from preschool days, that also reads books. The books are our excuse to get together because we bonded back in the day. If you want to start a more book focused group, I’d be interested. What kind of books are you interested in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Pretty soon her friend should know what type of a friend the OP is to her. I find this to be very sad.

I mention that I run 3 times a week because it sometimes comes up in conversation. I do not invite people to join my running group. That is not rude. Once and a while an extra person comes and it’s weird for everyone.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of an episode of an old TV show (The Middle) in which the mothers' book club meetings were really a facade for a night of gossip and wine drinking.

[Anonymous]

Ask the group. New blood can be a good thing too.

[Anonymous]

So, OP, how did you respond. Can’t leave that txt unanswered for too long…

[Anonymous]

Membership closed. Help her start a new one. Also check at local library to see if there are any book clubs there. It is not your job to bring her into your group. I vote no. Your members will not be happy with you. Do not disturb the harmony for your long standing group. Drop your guilt feelings.