When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

So you clearly have some significant issues. And it’s not because you didn’t know the details of your parents divorce. A marriage is between two people - you were not and will never be a party in someone’s marriage. You have an incredibly warped view of relationships that you think you should have been privy to your parents marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew a couple women who were informed as teenagers that their fathers cheated and it clearly messed them up. Lots of other kids of civilized divorces seemed much more normal. And some of those civilized divorces involved infidelity. The parents just divorced and moved on and focused on keeping the kids nurtured and healthy. The results are stark. No reason at all to tell kids. That’s why I never told my kids about my cheating spouse. Makes no difference in the end if she were a cheater, a drunk, or we just grew apart. In the end there’s a break and you move on.

Most kids come to see the cheating parent’s selfishness and delusion over time. I know so many kids that weren’t told, but experienced the same lies and borderline and histrionics as the parent aged.

+1

It’s a family once you decide to have and raise kids.

When you are going to break apart a family, kids need and deserve an age appropriate response.

By teens, they certainly understand adultery.

If you decide to break up the house and things had seemed happy to the kids, they deserve a reason they now have to shuttle back and forth between 2 homes and spend holidays apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much this. Most betrayed spouses want less drama not more. This is all that needs to be said to children from the cheater. The betrayed spouse can just say I left because he was cheating. The divorce had nothing to do with you. No more no less.

The good news is that if you do cheat, it is possible to redeem yourself with your kids by simply demonstrating an awareness that you regret hurting them, you are aware that your behavior was not in line with your morals, and that you made a bad decision. But you love them and will continue to Prioritize them and be the best parent you can be. That’s literally all they want to hear. But you stupid cheaters can’t say those words. You can’t. You want to tell your kids that you cheated because your spouse wasn’t having sex with you, or because you fell out of love, or you just made a one time mistake, or whatever excuse you think In Your head is valid.

There is literally no excuse for cheating that can’t be torn apart by the response “then get a divorce first.” That’s why cheaters want their secret kept. Because they are incapable of acknowledging they made a mistake that hurt people, and they know their excuse is BS that wont even stand up to the critical thinking skills of a young child.

+1,000

Cheaters are fine teaching it’s okay to lie and be dishonest when it benefits them. They pass on poor coping skills.

Own it. Admit mistake for how it went down and hurting their parent. And go forward showing them how you can do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much this. Most betrayed spouses want less drama not more. This is all that needs to be said to children from the cheater. The betrayed spouse can just say I left because he was cheating. The divorce had nothing to do with you. No more no less.

The good news is that if you do cheat, it is possible to redeem yourself with your kids by simply demonstrating an awareness that you regret hurting them, you are aware that your behavior was not in line with your morals, and that you made a bad decision. But you love them and will continue to Prioritize them and be the best parent you can be. That’s literally all they want to hear. But you stupid cheaters can’t say those words. You can’t. You want to tell your kids that you cheated because your spouse wasn’t having sex with you, or because you fell out of love, or you just made a one time mistake, or whatever excuse you think In Your head is valid.

There is literally no excuse for cheating that can’t be torn apart by the response “then get a divorce first.” That’s why cheaters want their secret kept. Because they are incapable of acknowledging they made a mistake that hurt people, and they know their excuse is BS that wont even stand up to the critical thinking skills of a young child.

+1,000

Cheaters are fine teaching it’s okay to lie and be dishonest when it benefits them. They pass on poor coping skills.

Own it. Admit mistake for how it went down and hurting their parent. And go forward showing them how you can do better.

+1 million

There is a book worth its weight in gold:

Adult children of emotionally immature parents. By Lindsay Gibson

It was given to my husband by his therapist. He dog eared and underlined every page.

A lot of these cheaters sound exactly like some of the stunted adults in the book.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t cheaters put their kids first and not cheat on their partner, and avoid putting their family through pain and emotional trauma? Why is the onus of “putting the kids first” shifted to the non-cheating spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew a couple women who were informed as teenagers that their fathers cheated and it clearly messed them up. Lots of other kids of civilized divorces seemed much more normal. And some of those civilized divorces involved infidelity. The parents just divorced and moved on and focused on keeping the kids nurtured and healthy. The results are stark. No reason at all to tell kids. That’s why I never told my kids about my cheating spouse. Makes no difference in the end if she were a cheater, a drunk, or we just grew apart. In the end there’s a break and you move on.

So as long as the cheating was hidden, the women would’ve been ok? Just add a layer of lies on top of the cheating, perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

As a child you do t get to choose. My parents gave me graphic details that was far from appropiate.

[Anonymous]

Parents have zero obligation to protect the image of the cheater. There is a difference between disparagement and refusing to lie for someone. Cheaters always want to believe what they’ve done is No Big Deal, and why aren’t you over it yet? So it’s always so curious why then that NO ONE MUST KNOW about this little, minimal thing they may have done, that you shouldn’t feel so upset about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

As a child you do t get to choose. My parents gave me graphic details that was far from appropiate.

How do you figure? its as simple as not getting in the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t cheaters put their kids first and not cheat on their partner, and avoid putting their family through pain and emotional trauma? Why is the onus of “putting the kids first” shifted to the non-cheating spouse?

This can be said about every maritial flaw that leads to divorce. Why couldn’t dad not work 24/7 and spend time with his family, why couldn’t a spouse get a job, why didn’t spouse stop drinking, why did spouse stop having sex. The issue is what you tell your children. My ex was an abusive alcoholic. I do t disparage him to my kids. They don’t have the maturity to understand the complexity of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t cheaters put their kids first and not cheat on their partner, and avoid putting their family through pain and emotional trauma? Why is the onus of “putting the kids first” shifted to the non-cheating spouse?

This can be said about every maritial flaw that leads to divorce. Why couldn’t dad not work 24/7 and spend time with his family, why couldn’t a spouse get a job, why didn’t spouse stop drinking, why did spouse stop having sex. The issue is what you tell your children. My ex was an abusive alcoholic. I do t disparage him to my kids. They don’t have the maturity to understand the complexity of marriage.

Children who experience secrecy and lies cannot trust what they are told. They become insecure and dependent. When the framework of the family finally collapses, there may be no honest relationships to fall back on.

Children naturally assume they are the cause of family strife, even if they have no real idea about what they did to cause that strife—because they didn’t do anything. If this thinking is not corrected, they will start to feel defective, wrong, and unworthy of love and affection. Their self-esteem will plummet. They will develop a negative self-image. They will feel shame about who they are. And here’s the kicker: Unless you nip this thinking in the bud by letting them know that the stress and tension is not their fault, they will live with this flawed belief for the rest of their lives.

If your ex and the father of your kids is an abusive alcoholic, did your children not witness his alcoholism or abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t cheaters put their kids first and not cheat on their partner, and avoid putting their family through pain and emotional trauma? Why is the onus of “putting the kids first” shifted to the non-cheating spouse?

Two wrongs don’t make a right, and in this case your obligation to your kid should be more important than your desire to harm/be righteous toward the spouse that harmed you

- not a cheater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents have zero obligation to protect the image of the cheater. There is a difference between disparagement and refusing to lie for someone. Cheaters always want to believe what they’ve done is No Big Deal, and why aren’t you over it yet? So it’s always so curious why then that NO ONE MUST KNOW about this little, minimal thing they may have done, that you shouldn’t feel so upset about?

Per usual, you care more about holding the cheaters accountable than protecting the kids. You’re not shielding the cheater for their own good. If your husband cheats on you and doesn’t have kids then whatever, take out an ad in the local paper! But when you have kids you make a commitment (or should have made a commitment) to put their interests first. And the reality is that kids don’t do well when they’re put in the middle and they (generally) do better when they have positive loving relationships with both parents. If that’s possible then both parents should be striving for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t cheaters put their kids first and not cheat on their partner, and avoid putting their family through pain and emotional trauma? Why is the onus of “putting the kids first” shifted to the non-cheating spouse?

This can be said about every maritial flaw that leads to divorce. Why couldn’t dad not work 24/7 and spend time with his family, why couldn’t a spouse get a job, why didn’t spouse stop drinking, why did spouse stop having sex. The issue is what you tell your children. My ex was an abusive alcoholic. I do t disparage him to my kids. They don’t have the maturity to understand the complexity of marriage.

Children who experience secrecy and lies cannot trust what they are told. They become insecure and dependent. When the framework of the family finally collapses, there may be no honest relationships to fall back on.

Children naturally assume they are the cause of family strife, even if they have no real idea about what they did to cause that strife—because they didn’t do anything. If this thinking is not corrected, they will start to feel defective, wrong, and unworthy of love and affection. Their self-esteem will plummet. They will develop a negative self-image. They will feel shame about who they are. And here’s the kicker: Unless you nip this thinking in the bud by letting them know that the stress and tension is not their fault, they will live with this flawed belief for the rest of their lives.

If your ex and the father of your kids is an abusive alcoholic, did your children not witness his alcoholism or abuse?

Children don’t do well when adults ask them to keep secrets or when parents deny clear truths.

They do not naturally believe they are the cause of marital strife unless the parents have behaved in ways that made them feel that way. And when living in a house with two parents who hate each other, kids do sometimes feel like they have the power to improve the relationship when in truth they do not. The common thread there is bad parental behavior where a child facing a divorce always feels anxious and unstable.

You actually don’t need to have a villain to assure them it isn’t their fault. And if you do then you’rea crappy parent. What happens to kids who’s parents who divorce for more ambiguous reasons? Those kids are just doomed to think it’s their fault because one parent isn’t obviously a monster? Of course not.

Good parents realize the relationship is over but come together to ensure the kids involve always know they are 1) safe, 2) not at fault, 3) loved and 4) encouraged to love both parents

This is just true. I have plenty of problems or issues that I don’t discuss with my kids, that’s not secrecy, that is my private life kept private so as not to parentify my kids and make them feel like they are ny therapist or responsible for my happiness.

Very few posters here (and not me) are arguing to lie to a kid that asks directly. Just against proactively dragging them into your ear of the roses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents have zero obligation to protect the image of the cheater. There is a difference between disparagement and refusing to lie for someone. Cheaters always want to believe what they’ve done is No Big Deal, and why aren’t you over it yet? So it’s always so curious why then that NO ONE MUST KNOW about this little, minimal thing they may have done, that you shouldn’t feel so upset about?

Per usual, you care more about holding the cheaters accountable than protecting the kids. You’re not shielding the cheater for their own good. If your husband cheats on you and doesn’t have kids then whatever, take out an ad in the local paper! But when you have kids you make a commitment (or should have made a commitment) to put their interests first. And the reality is that kids don’t do well when they’re put in the middle and they (generally) do better when they have positive loving relationships with both parents. If that’s possible then both parents should be striving for it.

The onus for “putting the kids first” and the loving family relationship is put on the non-cheating spouse. The cheater can just not come home (because he or she is already hooking up with a new person) and it’s all ok.