When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never was my choice. Son is now 34 and might have figured it out on his own, but we have never discussed the reason for the divorce.

It's not healthy. People come to the wrong conclusions and then it affects their life later on. Just be real and don't go on about it like you can't recover or something.

Try telling that to the posters claiming they have PTSD from their spouse’s affairs.

And hiding the facts somehow makes them healthier? It doesn't. Stop the lying. Stop the cheating. Stop the physical abuse. Tell the facts and let it go.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

Yes, it is putting your child in the middle. That is 100% wrong. And worse than cheating. I don't know what planet you live on that you think kids should have these details. They should not. You're crazy.

No you are. You are the cheater. Stop cheating. I live on planet earth. Stop hurting people on it.

Should a parent also tell their child all the all person details of marital problems? Mom stopped having sex with me after she had you. Details about parents’ sex lives should be off limits for kids.

You obviously have a problem addressing your sexual issues in your marriage so I'm not surprised you keep your kids in the dark about sex too. Please deal with those and stop giving advice to people who have already gone through infidelity. Saying to a child who has gone through puberty and is actually is ready to date people in high school or leaving for college that your father and I divorced because he had affairs is not talking about sex. It's saying someone was noncommittal about monogamy. Also my kids and I talk about their own sexual lives. Not about sex details but about being respectful in dating, being careful about sex when you are ready, being friends first, don't make promises you can't keep or apologize if you have to break a promise. Other parents are more up front about sex than I am. So yeah, they can hear a sentence about why their dad and mom split up. You are the one making too big a deal about this

Except this isn’t the whole truth. Marriages are complex and generally have all sorts of problems. You chose to discuss infidelity, but skip past all the other problems that ate away at the marriage - spending, deadbed, lack of emotional connection, mental health problems. Kids can figure out that mom has her side and dad has his. Why would you bring them in the middle of it? Do you think they want to know about their father's sex life? No kid wants to hear about what’s going on in their parent's relationship. You’re really selfish to dump your issues on them. It’s certainly not for their benefit.

If you didn't divorce for those reasons then they aren't mentioned. I don't understand this. I didn't divorce because of deadbed, lack of emotional connection, mental health problems, spending etc. If my child asks me as a teenager why we divorced or if they ask me why I don't date again, I'm going to say something truthful like I divorced because I didn't feel comfortable staying married with his infidelity or I don't feel strong enough to date yet. I don't have one sentence conversations with my teenagers and I don't treat them like they are five. We have conversations about their relationships and mine but I don't offer extra information and go on and on. I just state facts when asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP whose DH learned about his dad’s cheating the the middle school cafeteria and it continued to boggle my mind how many cheaters on this thread seem to believe their secrets will be kept by their entire social group. Kids are going to find out. They usually do. The only question is whether they find out from someone who cares about them or not.

I agree. And my spouse had an affair. I did not tell my children or a single other person except a therapist because we were reconciling.

The person wasn’t in our circle or near us, no deep connection, etc.

Now if my spouse had left, the kids would know why. I wouldn’t go in detail, but it was/is a happy marriage, very happy home life so to get from that to divorce would do a mind f”k on a kid, especially if he left for somebody else. I know I was blindsided and what that has done to my mental health. The kids are blissfully unaware and thriving. Feel safe and loved and doing great in school, socially, etc.

I also wouldn’t gaslight my teens if they found evidence and asked about it. So I get people faced with this choice. It does more damage to a teen to gaslight and be dishonest.

I have their best interest in mind now and always do, always have. I don’t think people saying they let their teens/adult children know why the marriage ended are going into gory detail. Saying a parent was unfaithful is a fact. I get cheaters prefer to continue living their lies, but that’s not reality. And kids should know marriage wasn’t taken lightly and ended for some “oh we just grew apart” bullsh@t. Not a good way to teach about commitment and honesty.

[Anonymous]

So much this. Most betrayed spouses want less drama not more. This is all that needs to be said to children from the cheater. The betrayed spouse can just say I left because he was cheating. The divorce had nothing to do with you. No more no less.

The good news is that if you do cheat, it is possible to redeem yourself with your kids by simply demonstrating an awareness that you regret hurting them, you are aware that your behavior was not in line with your morals, and that you made a bad decision. But you love them and will continue to Prioritize them and be the best parent you can be. That’s literally all they want to hear. But you stupid cheaters can’t say those words. You can’t. You want to tell your kids that you cheated because your spouse wasn’t having sex with you, or because you fell out of love, or you just made a one time mistake, or whatever excuse you think In Your head is valid.

There is literally no excuse for cheating that can’t be torn apart by the response “then get a divorce first.” That’s why cheaters want their secret kept. Because they are incapable of acknowledging they made a mistake that hurt people, and they know their excuse is BS that wont even stand up to the critical thinking skills of a young child.

[Anonymous]

How about mom and dad got a divorce because things didn’t work out between us? You can go ahead and talk about the details - which may include infidelity. Just be prepared for the other spouse to rebut with all your wrongs and faults.

You think cheating is the ultimate harm. Others don’t. Every martial flaw could be precluded if you just got a divorce first. Stop we’d have sex with DH, could’ve gotten a divorce instead. Spent all the family Money, could’ve gotten a divorce first. Gain 40 lbs. could’ve gotten a divorce after 20. Yes, the cheater could’ve gotten a divorce first. So could anyone with marital flaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much this. Most betrayed spouses want less drama not more. This is all that needs to be said to children from the cheater. The betrayed spouse can just say I left because he was cheating. The divorce had nothing to do with you. No more no less.

The good news is that if you do cheat, it is possible to redeem yourself with your kids by simply demonstrating an awareness that you regret hurting them, you are aware that your behavior was not in line with your morals, and that you made a bad decision. But you love them and will continue to Prioritize them and be the best parent you can be. That’s literally all they want to hear. But you stupid cheaters can’t say those words. You can’t. You want to tell your kids that you cheated because your spouse wasn’t having sex with you, or because you fell out of love, or you just made a one time mistake, or whatever excuse you think In Your head is valid.

There is literally no excuse for cheating that can’t be torn apart by the response “then get a divorce first.” That’s why cheaters want their secret kept. Because they are incapable of acknowledging they made a mistake that hurt people, and they know their excuse is BS that wont even stand up to the critical thinking skills of a young child.

Well said.

I think the cheaters on this thread are outright delusional. Maybe that’s why they cheated? It is a little crazy to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

I didn't want to know any of that, i mostly just wanted to know who was at fault for the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional.

No, a divorce is nobody else’s business. Don’t bleed in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional.

No, a divorce is nobody else’s business. Don’t bleed in public.

So yes, delusional.

[Anonymous]

I knew a couple women who were informed as teenagers that their fathers cheated and it clearly messed them up. Lots of other kids of civilized divorces seemed much more normal. And some of those civilized divorces involved infidelity. The parents just divorced and moved on and focused on keeping the kids nurtured and healthy. The results are stark. No reason at all to tell kids. That’s why I never told my kids about my cheating spouse. Makes no difference in the end if she were a cheater, a drunk, or we just grew apart. In the end there’s a break and you move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew a couple women who were informed as teenagers that their fathers cheated and it clearly messed them up. Lots of other kids of civilized divorces seemed much more normal. And some of those civilized divorces involved infidelity. The parents just divorced and moved on and focused on keeping the kids nurtured and healthy. The results are stark. No reason at all to tell kids. That’s why I never told my kids about my cheating spouse. Makes no difference in the end if she were a cheater, a drunk, or we just grew apart. In the end there’s a break and you move on.

Most kids come to see the cheating parent’s selfishness and delusion over time. I know so many kids that weren’t told, but experienced the same lies and borderline and histrionics as the parent aged.