Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why can’t cheaters put their kids first and not cheat on their partner, and avoid putting their family through pain and emotional trauma? Why is the onus of “putting the kids first” shifted to the non-cheating spouse?[/quote]

This can be said about every maritial flaw that leads to divorce. Why couldn’t dad not work 24/7 and spend time with his family, why couldn’t a spouse get a job, why didn’t spouse stop drinking, why did spouse stop having sex.  The issue is what you tell your children. My ex was an abusive alcoholic. I do t disparage him to my kids. They don’t have the maturity to understand the complexity of marriage. [/quote]

Children who experience secrecy and lies cannot trust what they are told. They become insecure and dependent. When the framework of the family finally collapses, there may be no honest relationships to fall back on.

Children naturally assume they are the cause of family strife, even if they have no real idea about what they did to cause that strife—because they didn’t do anything. If this thinking is not corrected, they will start to feel defective, wrong, and unworthy of love and affection. Their self-esteem will plummet. They will develop a negative self-image. They will feel shame about who they are. And here’s the kicker: Unless you nip this thinking in the bud by letting them know that the stress and tension is not their fault, they will live with this flawed belief for the rest of their lives.

If your ex and the father of your kids is an abusive alcoholic, did your children not witness his alcoholism or abuse?[/quote]

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