When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents have zero obligation to protect the image of the cheater. There is a difference between disparagement and refusing to lie for someone. Cheaters always want to believe what they’ve done is No Big Deal, and why aren’t you over it yet? So it’s always so curious why then that NO ONE MUST KNOW about this little, minimal thing they may have done, that you shouldn’t feel so upset about?

Per usual, you care more about holding the cheaters accountable than protecting the kids. You’re not shielding the cheater for their own good. If your husband cheats on you and doesn’t have kids then whatever, take out an ad in the local paper! But when you have kids you make a commitment (or should have made a commitment) to put their interests first. And the reality is that kids don’t do well when they’re put in the middle and they (generally) do better when they have positive loving relationships with both parents. If that’s possible then both parents should be striving for it.

The onus for “putting the kids first” and the loving family relationship is put on the non-cheating spouse. The cheater can just not come home (because he or she is already hooking up with a new person) and it’s all ok.

Go ahead and blab to your friends and your family about your horrible ex. Keep whining, keep insisting they choose sides. Be unpleasant. See where it gets you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents have zero obligation to protect the image of the cheater. There is a difference between disparagement and refusing to lie for someone. Cheaters always want to believe what they’ve done is No Big Deal, and why aren’t you over it yet? So it’s always so curious why then that NO ONE MUST KNOW about this little, minimal thing they may have done, that you shouldn’t feel so upset about?

Per usual, you care more about holding the cheaters accountable than protecting the kids. You’re not shielding the cheater for their own good. If your husband cheats on you and doesn’t have kids then whatever, take out an ad in the local paper! But when you have kids you make a commitment (or should have made a commitment) to put their interests first. And the reality is that kids don’t do well when they’re put in the middle and they (generally) do better when they have positive loving relationships with both parents. If that’s possible then both parents should be striving for it.

The onus for “putting the kids first” and the loving family relationship is put on the non-cheating spouse. The cheater can just not come home (because he or she is already hooking up with a new person) and it’s all ok.

Go ahead and blab to your friends and your family about your horrible ex. Keep whining, keep insisting they choose sides. Be unpleasant. See where it gets you.

Why do you think cheating should be kept secret?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional.

No, a divorce is nobody else’s business. Don’t bleed in public.

NP. This is such a strange reply. Divorce affects kids and so it makes sense to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. You don’t want them to find out from someone else or to blame themselves for the divorce. Why take that chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional.

No, a divorce is nobody else’s business. Don’t bleed in public.

NP. This is such a strange reply. Divorce affects kids and so it makes sense to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. You don’t want them to find out from someone else or to blame themselves for the divorce. Why take that chance?

Privacy and secrets are two different things. Families who keep secrets about infidelity and divorce aren’t healthy at all. People who experience their spouse being unfaithful and the resulting divorce are allowed to speak about it.

Posting screeds on facebook and loudly and constantly denigrating a cheating spouse to anyone and everyone under the sun makes you look unhinged. However, it’s your life, too. You should not have to keep secrets for someone who hurt you and broke up your family. Trust and truth are important. The cheater broke trust within the marriage, and then wants to claim the mantle of secrecy. What a toxic nightmare to present to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional.

No, a divorce is nobody else’s business. Don’t bleed in public.

NP. This is such a strange reply. Divorce affects kids and so it makes sense to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. You don’t want them to find out from someone else or to blame themselves for the divorce. Why take that chance?

Privacy and secrets are two different things. Families who keep secrets about infidelity and divorce aren’t healthy at all. People who experience their spouse being unfaithful and the resulting divorce are allowed to speak about it.

Posting screeds on facebook and loudly and constantly denigrating a cheating spouse to anyone and everyone under the sun makes you look unhinged. However, it’s your life, too. You should not have to keep secrets for someone who hurt you and broke up your family. Trust and truth are important. The cheater broke trust within the marriage, and then wants to claim the mantle of secrecy. What a toxic nightmare to present to your kids.

Your children deserve to be protected where they can and they are healthier when they have a healthy relationship with both parents. You want permission to set the world on fire because you were hurt. But all of us kids of divorce won’t give it to you because we all know that the parent you’re describing yourself as is frequently actually more harmful to the kid in the long run because your bitterness and anger lasts for years and stretches the child’s trauma.

And you know what you’re right that is not fair. It’s not fair that the parent that didn’t cheat has the onus on them to be the bigger person. But it not being fair doesn’t change the situation. Life isn’t fair and you have to play the hand you’re dealt as well as you can. Generally people in this situation chose to have kids and it is an abdication of that duty to decide your rage should be prioritized over their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional.

No, a divorce is nobody else’s business. Don’t bleed in public.

NP. This is such a strange reply. Divorce affects kids and so it makes sense to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. You don’t want them to find out from someone else or to blame themselves for the divorce. Why take that chance?

Privacy and secrets are two different things. Families who keep secrets about infidelity and divorce aren’t healthy at all. People who experience their spouse being unfaithful and the resulting divorce are allowed to speak about it.

Posting screeds on facebook and loudly and constantly denigrating a cheating spouse to anyone and everyone under the sun makes you look unhinged. However, it’s your life, too. You should not have to keep secrets for someone who hurt you and broke up your family. Trust and truth are important. The cheater broke trust within the marriage, and then wants to claim the mantle of secrecy. What a toxic nightmare to present to your kids.

Your children deserve to be protected where they can and they are healthier when they have a healthy relationship with both parents. You want permission to set the world on fire because you were hurt. But all of us kids of divorce won’t give it to you because we all know that the parent you’re describing yourself as is frequently actually more harmful to the kid in the long run because your bitterness and anger lasts for years and stretches the child’s trauma.

And you know what you’re right that is not fair. It’s not fair that the parent that didn’t cheat has the onus on them to be the bigger person. But it not being fair doesn’t change the situation. Life isn’t fair and you have to play the hand you’re dealt as well as you can. Generally people in this situation chose to have kids and it is an abdication of that duty to decide your rage should be prioritized over their needs.

How do you equate truth and honesty with rage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional.

No, a divorce is nobody else’s business. Don’t bleed in public.

NP. This is such a strange reply. Divorce affects kids and so it makes sense to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. You don’t want them to find out from someone else or to blame themselves for the divorce. Why take that chance?

Privacy and secrets are two different things. Families who keep secrets about infidelity and divorce aren’t healthy at all. People who experience their spouse being unfaithful and the resulting divorce are allowed to speak about it.

Posting screeds on facebook and loudly and constantly denigrating a cheating spouse to anyone and everyone under the sun makes you look unhinged. However, it’s your life, too. You should not have to keep secrets for someone who hurt you and broke up your family. Trust and truth are important. The cheater broke trust within the marriage, and then wants to claim the mantle of secrecy. What a toxic nightmare to present to your kids.

Your children deserve to be protected where they can and they are healthier when they have a healthy relationship with both parents. You want permission to set the world on fire because you were hurt. But all of us kids of divorce won’t give it to you because we all know that the parent you’re describing yourself as is frequently actually more harmful to the kid in the long run because your bitterness and anger lasts for years and stretches the child’s trauma.

And you know what you’re right that is not fair. It’s not fair that the parent that didn’t cheat has the onus on them to be the bigger person. But it not being fair doesn’t change the situation. Life isn’t fair and you have to play the hand you’re dealt as well as you can. Generally people in this situation chose to have kids and it is an abdication of that duty to decide your rage should be prioritized over their needs.

How do you equate truth and honesty with rage?

Unnecessary hurtful truth provided in anger is for the teller not the receiver

1) Your dad and I are not in love and so we cannot be married anymore but we both love you and care about you and that will continue no matter what
2) You’re dad cheated on me so I’m leaving him and we’ll have to figure out how to move on in some way
3) You’re dad had 15 women in my bed wearing my clothes and I hate him and now we’re getting divorced

All three of those sentences could be true in the same situation. Only one is focused on the well being of the child. 2 is not as bad as 3 but it’s still about your need for them to know that to, I assume, hold the other parent accountable in some way, rather than focus on what they need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional.

No, a divorce is nobody else’s business. Don’t bleed in public.

NP. This is such a strange reply. Divorce affects kids and so it makes sense to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. You don’t want them to find out from someone else or to blame themselves for the divorce. Why take that chance?

Privacy and secrets are two different things. Families who keep secrets about infidelity and divorce aren’t healthy at all. People who experience their spouse being unfaithful and the resulting divorce are allowed to speak about it.

Posting screeds on facebook and loudly and constantly denigrating a cheating spouse to anyone and everyone under the sun makes you look unhinged. However, it’s your life, too. You should not have to keep secrets for someone who hurt you and broke up your family. Trust and truth are important. The cheater broke trust within the marriage, and then wants to claim the mantle of secrecy. What a toxic nightmare to present to your kids.

That and a whole lot of denial is what messes my spouse and his siblings up so much. His 80-year old mother is still in denial and will not address some fairly traumatic stuff (she was also part of). It didn’t happen. Lie, lie abs lie some more. Repress.

It’s how they all learned poor coping skills, lying is fine and just present a phony wonderful image.

[Anonymous]

I’m divorced. I have divorced friends. When I initially separated from my XH I was incredibly mad and would have loved to share some gory details with friends and anyone willing to listen. But I didn’t. Told the kids we “grew apart” and whatever generic thing you tell kids.

Years later we’ve both moved on- he has a great new wife, I have a very stable, healthy relationship. We get along fine and coparent well. Kids are thriving. There’s zero desire to rehash the past and at this point it would almost be irrelevant. I don’t think the kids would care at all at this point and them knowing would serve no purpose.

Move on, live your life, find your joy.

My divorced friends who just can’t seem to get over it and can’t seem to move on and live their lives- the ones who refuse to look forward and continue to live in the past- they are absolutely miserable and their kids suffer. They’re the ones who want to tell the kids everything, expose the cheater, badmouth the former spouse- and I don’t think they’ll ever be happy because they won’t let themselves.

For those women who absolutely must tell their children the minute details of the reason for the split, put it on the calendar for ten years down the road. I will guarantee that if you’re living your best life by then you’ll have zero desire to bother dredging up the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional.

No, a divorce is nobody else’s business. Don’t bleed in public.

NP. This is such a strange reply. Divorce affects kids and so it makes sense to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. You don’t want them to find out from someone else or to blame themselves for the divorce. Why take that chance?

Privacy and secrets are two different things. Families who keep secrets about infidelity and divorce aren’t healthy at all. People who experience their spouse being unfaithful and the resulting divorce are allowed to speak about it.

Posting screeds on facebook and loudly and constantly denigrating a cheating spouse to anyone and everyone under the sun makes you look unhinged. However, it’s your life, too. You should not have to keep secrets for someone who hurt you and broke up your family. Trust and truth are important. The cheater broke trust within the marriage, and then wants to claim the mantle of secrecy. What a toxic nightmare to present to your kids.

Your children deserve to be protected where they can and they are healthier when they have a healthy relationship with both parents. You want permission to set the world on fire because you were hurt. But all of us kids of divorce won’t give it to you because we all know that the parent you’re describing yourself as is frequently actually more harmful to the kid in the long run because your bitterness and anger lasts for years and stretches the child’s trauma.

And you know what you’re right that is not fair. It’s not fair that the parent that didn’t cheat has the onus on them to be the bigger person. But it not being fair doesn’t change the situation. Life isn’t fair and you have to play the hand you’re dealt as well as you can. Generally people in this situation chose to have kids and it is an abdication of that duty to decide your rage should be prioritized over their needs.

How do you equate truth and honesty with rage?

Unnecessary hurtful truth provided in anger is for the teller not the receiver

1) Your dad and I are not in love and so we cannot be married anymore but we both love you and care about you and that will continue no matter what
2) You’re dad cheated on me so I’m leaving him and we’ll have to figure out how to move on in some way
3) You’re dad had 15 women in my bed wearing my clothes and I hate him and now we’re getting divorced

All three of those sentences could be true in the same situation. Only one is focused on the well being of the child. 2 is not as bad as 3 but it’s still about your need for them to know that to, I assume, hold the other parent accountable in some way, rather than focus on what they need to know.

Often times the spouse does love the cheater when the infidelity is discovered. It’s a lie to say “I don’t live your dad anymore, “we” are not in love”. Teens need a better explanation than that because so often the family was happy and they can’t figure out how it went from that to “we don’t love each other and are divorcing”. The atmosphere in the house when an affair is discovered is also bubbling up no matter how much you try to hide it. Your teens might be stupid, but mine would know something just happened. Something big. Your mom/dad had an affair or cheated is fine to say to a teen that keeps pressing for answers to why this is happening NOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional.

No, a divorce is nobody else’s business. Don’t bleed in public.

NP. This is such a strange reply. Divorce affects kids and so it makes sense to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. You don’t want them to find out from someone else or to blame themselves for the divorce. Why take that chance?

Privacy and secrets are two different things. Families who keep secrets about infidelity and divorce aren’t healthy at all. People who experience their spouse being unfaithful and the resulting divorce are allowed to speak about it.

Posting screeds on facebook and loudly and constantly denigrating a cheating spouse to anyone and everyone under the sun makes you look unhinged. However, it’s your life, too. You should not have to keep secrets for someone who hurt you and broke up your family. Trust and truth are important. The cheater broke trust within the marriage, and then wants to claim the mantle of secrecy. What a toxic nightmare to present to your kids.

Your children deserve to be protected where they can and they are healthier when they have a healthy relationship with both parents. You want permission to set the world on fire because you were hurt. But all of us kids of divorce won’t give it to you because we all know that the parent you’re describing yourself as is frequently actually more harmful to the kid in the long run because your bitterness and anger lasts for years and stretches the child’s trauma.

And you know what you’re right that is not fair. It’s not fair that the parent that didn’t cheat has the onus on them to be the bigger person. But it not being fair doesn’t change the situation. Life isn’t fair and you have to play the hand you’re dealt as well as you can. Generally people in this situation chose to have kids and it is an abdication of that duty to decide your rage should be prioritized over their needs.

How do you equate truth and honesty with rage?

Unnecessary hurtful truth provided in anger is for the teller not the receiver

1) Your dad and I are not in love and so we cannot be married anymore but we both love you and care about you and that will continue no matter what
2) You’re dad cheated on me so I’m leaving him and we’ll have to figure out how to move on in some way
3) You’re dad had 15 women in my bed wearing my clothes and I hate him and now we’re getting divorced

All three of those sentences could be true in the same situation. Only one is focused on the well being of the child. 2 is not as bad as 3 but it’s still about your need for them to know that to, I assume, hold the other parent accountable in some way, rather than focus on what they need to know.

Nah. Fix #1 unless you want your daughter to have daddy issues.

1) From the cheater: I made a mistake and I’m very sorry for the undue hurt and pain I’ve caused. Your parents still both love you very much and care about you and always will, but I’m moving out in x number of days/weeks, blah blah blah.

The betrayed will be there to support and agree. And to show they have accepted the apology and it’s okay to continue to love their parent. Still United as a family that will support one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional.

No, a divorce is nobody else’s business. Don’t bleed in public.

NP. This is such a strange reply. Divorce affects kids and so it makes sense to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. You don’t want them to find out from someone else or to blame themselves for the divorce. Why take that chance?

Privacy and secrets are two different things. Families who keep secrets about infidelity and divorce aren’t healthy at all. People who experience their spouse being unfaithful and the resulting divorce are allowed to speak about it.

Posting screeds on facebook and loudly and constantly denigrating a cheating spouse to anyone and everyone under the sun makes you look unhinged. However, it’s your life, too. You should not have to keep secrets for someone who hurt you and broke up your family. Trust and truth are important. The cheater broke trust within the marriage, and then wants to claim the mantle of secrecy. What a toxic nightmare to present to your kids.

Your children deserve to be protected where they can and they are healthier when they have a healthy relationship with both parents. You want permission to set the world on fire because you were hurt. But all of us kids of divorce won’t give it to you because we all know that the parent you’re describing yourself as is frequently actually more harmful to the kid in the long run because your bitterness and anger lasts for years and stretches the child’s trauma.

And you know what you’re right that is not fair. It’s not fair that the parent that didn’t cheat has the onus on them to be the bigger person. But it not being fair doesn’t change the situation. Life isn’t fair and you have to play the hand you’re dealt as well as you can. Generally people in this situation chose to have kids and it is an abdication of that duty to decide your rage should be prioritized over their needs.

How do you equate truth and honesty with rage?

Unnecessary hurtful truth provided in anger is for the teller not the receiver

1) Your dad and I are not in love and so we cannot be married anymore but we both love you and care about you and that will continue no matter what
2) You’re dad cheated on me so I’m leaving him and we’ll have to figure out how to move on in some way
3) You’re dad had 15 women in my bed wearing my clothes and I hate him and now we’re getting divorced

All three of those sentences could be true in the same situation. Only one is focused on the well being of the child. 2 is not as bad as 3 but it’s still about your need for them to know that to, I assume, hold the other parent accountable in some way, rather than focus on what they need to know.

Often times the spouse does love the cheater when the infidelity is discovered. It’s a lie to say “I don’t live your dad anymore, “we” are not in love”. Teens need a better explanation than that because so often the family was happy and they can’t figure out how it went from that to “we don’t love each other and are divorcing”. The atmosphere in the house when an affair is discovered is also bubbling up no matter how much you try to hide it. Your teens might be stupid, but mine would know something just happened. Something big. Your mom/dad had an affair or cheated is fine to say to a teen that keeps pressing for answers to why this is happening NOW.

Yeah. In that situation, it will mess the kids up more to have such uncertainty as to why this split is happening and have false hope the parents will reconcile. Only the facts will do. Honesty is always the best policy. If it was there in the first place they wouldn’t be in this predicament.

[Anonymous]

I’m didn’t keep my cheating ex’s secrets for him. Why should I have? We both moved on. At this point, no one cares, but I wasn’t willing to cover up the harm he caused our family at the time to smooth things over for him. The pain he caused me was real and for a period of time it was more than I could carry alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m didn’t keep my cheating ex’s secrets for him. Why should I have? We both moved on. At this point, no one cares, but I wasn’t willing to cover up the harm he caused our family at the time to smooth things over for him. The pain he caused me was real and for a period of time it was more than I could carry alone.

Tell your therapists, friends or your family. Your children should never be your confidants or help you when “your pain is more than you can carry alone”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m didn’t keep my cheating ex’s secrets for him. Why should I have? We both moved on. At this point, no one cares, but I wasn’t willing to cover up the harm he caused our family at the time to smooth things over for him. The pain he caused me was real and for a period of time it was more than I could carry alone.

Tell your therapists, friends or your family. Your children should never be your confidants or help you when “your pain is more than you can carry alone”.

I think she means, family, friends, in-laws.

When the lights are turned on the cheaters scatter like cock roaches, horrified people know their truth. Most have cultivated their outer persona to appear wonderful, charitable and full of integrity,,,real family man/women.