Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why can’t cheaters put their kids first and not cheat on their partner, and avoid putting their family through pain and emotional trauma? Why is the onus of “putting the kids first” shifted to the non-cheating spouse?[/quote]

This can be said about every maritial flaw that leads to divorce. Why couldn’t dad not work 24/7 and spend time with his family, why couldn’t a spouse get a job, why didn’t spouse stop drinking, why did spouse stop having sex.  The issue is what you tell your children. My ex was an abusive alcoholic. I do t disparage him to my kids. They don’t have the maturity to understand the complexity of marriage. [/quote]

Children who experience secrecy and lies cannot trust what they are told. They become insecure and dependent. When the framework of the family finally collapses, there may be no honest relationships to fall back on.

Children naturally assume they are the cause of family strife, even if they have no real idea about what they did to cause that strife—because they didn’t do anything. If this thinking is not corrected, they will start to feel defective, wrong, and unworthy of love and affection. Their self-esteem will plummet. They will develop a negative self-image. They will feel shame about who they are. And here’s the kicker: Unless you nip this thinking in the bud by letting them know that the stress and tension is not their fault, they will live with this flawed belief for the rest of their lives.

If your ex and the father of your kids is an abusive alcoholic, did your children not witness his alcoholism or abuse?[/quote]

Children don’t do well when adults ask them to keep secrets or when parents deny clear truths.

They do not naturally believe they are the cause of marital strife unless the parents have behaved in ways that made them feel that way. And when living in a house with two parents who hate each other, kids do sometimes feel like they have the power to improve the relationship when in truth they do not. The common thread there is bad parental behavior where a child facing a divorce always feels anxious and unstable.

You actually don’t need to have a villain to assure them it isn’t their fault. And if you do then you’rea crappy parent. What happens to kids who’s parents who divorce for more ambiguous reasons? Those kids are just doomed to think it’s their fault because one parent isn’t obviously a monster? Of course not.

Good parents realize the relationship is over but come together to ensure the kids involve always know they are 1) safe, 2) not at fault, 3) loved and 4) encouraged to love both parents

This is just true. I have plenty of problems or issues that I don’t discuss with my kids, that’s not secrecy, that is my private life kept private so as not to parentify my kids and make them feel like they are ny therapist or responsible for my happiness.

Very few posters  here (and not me) are arguing to lie to a kid that asks directly. Just against proactively dragging them into your ear of the roses[/quote]

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