When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

Exactly. I think OP just wants to make things difficult because she's stressed by her DH's and inlaws' health conditions. She wants to come off as a martyr, and a reasonable solution takes that option away from her.

OP you can share your feelings and how hard this has been for you without punishing everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

How is that the perfect solution? And if this sister would have accepted it, why did she also say no?

I assumed they were fine with sleeping at their own house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

How is that the perfect solution? And if this sister would have accepted it, why did she also say no?

I assumed they were fine with sleeping at their own house.

They want a sleepover with the extended family, particularly grandparents. They could've gotten that at older sibs' house.

[Anonymous]

I am so confused about what is going on.

OP and her family live with her in-laws. DH's sibling lives in the SAME TOWN but want to spend the night so the cousins can wake up together? Why on earth can't they just bring the kids over first thing in the morning in their pajamas??? Especially with a nursing baby, I wouldn't want to have to deal with spending the night somewhere if my parents lived in the same town. Your bother or sister-in-law sounds nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

How is that the perfect solution? And if this sister would have accepted it, why did she also say no?

I assumed they were fine with sleeping at their own house.

You didn't say that part. You made it sound like the other two siblings were willing to spend the night at older sibling's house and you said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

How is that the perfect solution? And if this sister would have accepted it, why did she also say no?

I assumed they were fine with sleeping at their own house.

You didn't say that part. You made it sound like the other two siblings were willing to spend the night at older sibling's house and you said no.

It's possible that if I'd said yes, they would have said yes. Or if I'd said nothing they would have expressed interest in doing it. But when I said no, I wanted us to have a quiet morning they were like "Christmas morning at home sounds good too." and we agreed to meet for the afternoon.

Now, was she disappointed and wished I'd said yes? I don't know. At that point I took her at her word. I think that since I didn't choose to sleep over at the in laws until my kids were walking and talking and asking for it, it didn't seem odd to me that a mother with a small baby would want to sleep in her own bed. So, a week later when she proposed a change, I was surprised. By that point, the sibling offering their home had made plans to go to her in laws for Christmas Eve, so their house is no longer an option.

As I said above, my guess is that when we planned it she really was OK with the plan, and then she went home and her kids wanted to be with their cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

How is that the perfect solution? And if this sister would have accepted it, why did she also say no?

I assumed they were fine with sleeping at their own house.

You didn't say that part. You made it sound like the other two siblings were willing to spend the night at older sibling's house and you said no.

It's possible that if I'd said yes, they would have said yes. Or if I'd said nothing they would have expressed interest in doing it. But when I said no, I wanted us to have a quiet morning they were like "Christmas morning at home sounds good too." and we agreed to meet for the afternoon.

Now, was she disappointed and wished I'd said yes? I don't know. At that point I took her at her word. I think that since I didn't choose to sleep over at the in laws until my kids were walking and talking and asking for it, it didn't seem odd to me that a mother with a small baby would want to sleep in her own bed. So, a week later when she proposed a change, I was surprised. By that point, the sibling offering their home had made plans to go to her in laws for Christmas Eve, so their house is no longer an option.

As I said above, my guess is that when we planned it she really was OK with the plan, and then she went home and her kids wanted to be with their cousins.

I'll also add that it's possible that she gave clear body language that she wasn't happy. This was in the very early days of DH being home. My kids were really still freaked out by trying to figure out how to interact with Dad who doesn't act at all like Dad, so I spent most of the conversation watching them. It's possible I missed something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I talked to my in laws. They don’t want the sleepover here. They share my fear. They would happily go there but they have not been invited.

I think after watching their son and grandkids suffer they just really want people to be happy, so they were hoping for some magic solution.

And they have now shared this with their daughter?

Yes her father called her.

Don’t leave us hanging - how did it go and what’s the plan?

I have no idea he left the room to speak privately.

You come across as a very strong personality. Have you considered that In-laws don’t actually agree with you but feel obligated to tell you what you want to hear?

I am pretty fiercely protective of my DH right now. I think usually SIL is the stronger personality.

Understandably, but you need to realize that your fears and stress are making you behave somewhat unreasonably and that you are trying to implement rules and dictate holiday plans in a house that is not your own, which is probably rubbing the other siblings (who actually grew up in the house?) the wrong way. It has the potential to have long term impact on family relationships and dynamics far beyond this Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I talked to my in laws. They don’t want the sleepover here. They share my fear. They would happily go there but they have not been invited.

I think after watching their son and grandkids suffer they just really want people to be happy, so they were hoping for some magic solution.

And they have now shared this with their daughter?

Yes her father called her.

Don’t leave us hanging - how did it go and what’s the plan?

I have no idea he left the room to speak privately.

You come across as a very strong personality. Have you considered that In-laws don’t actually agree with you but feel obligated to tell you what you want to hear?

I am pretty fiercely protective of my DH right now. I think usually SIL is the stronger personality.

Understandably, but you need to realize that your fears and stress are making you behave somewhat unreasonably and that you are trying to implement rules and dictate holiday plans in a house that is not your own, which is probably rubbing the other siblings (who actually grew up in the house?) the wrong way. It has the potential to have long term impact on family relationships and dynamics far beyond this Christmas.

The two siblings without young kids have no desire to be here for the holiday. They prefer the other plan.

But, if my choices are putting my husband's health in jeopardy, having my kids miss out on celebrating with their dad, and pissing her off, I can live with choice, especially given that DH's parents are clear that they don't think it's safe either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

How is that the perfect solution? And if this sister would have accepted it, why did she also say no?

I assumed they were fine with sleeping at their own house.

You didn't say that part. You made it sound like the other two siblings were willing to spend the night at older sibling's house and you said no.

It's possible that if I'd said yes, they would have said yes. Or if I'd said nothing they would have expressed interest in doing it. But when I said no, I wanted us to have a quiet morning they were like "Christmas morning at home sounds good too." and we agreed to meet for the afternoon.

Now, was she disappointed and wished I'd said yes? I don't know. At that point I took her at her word. I think that since I didn't choose to sleep over at the in laws until my kids were walking and talking and asking for it, it didn't seem odd to me that a mother with a small baby would want to sleep in her own bed. So, a week later when she proposed a change, I was surprised. By that point, the sibling offering their home had made plans to go to her in laws for Christmas Eve, so their house is no longer an option.

As I said above, my guess is that when we planned it she really was OK with the plan, and then she went home and her kids wanted to be with their cousins.

Honestly this is what I would do, this is the smart sibling, they have opted out of the circus and have decided to have the peaceful Christmas at the in-laws. Op I get that you are stressed about your husband however the fact that your FIL had to talk privately, out of the room, away from you, suggests that they feel somewhat differently.

There was a solution by everyone going to the other siblings house and you said no or someone said no and now its not an option, too bad. It appears the only solution you are willing to do, is yours. I get that maybe with everything going on this is reasonable however this isn't your house. If your MIL and FIL felt they didn't want the sleep over, they should have spoken up sooner. The whole family doesn't appear to communicate very well. I mean as soon as the sibling started saying they were upset your inlaws should have said they didn't want the sleepover. Your inlaws left the solution with you which was unfair to you however I also wonder why that was, I feel like you were the one disagreeing the most.

With all the changes I am left confused by what the final plan is but the one thing I am certain of is that the family changing their plans to go elsewhere for Christmas because of the massive sh*tshow the rest of you have gone on with are the smart ones. If I was a sibling I would also choose to go to the in-laws. No offence to you but you are under a massive wad of stress which appears to be affecting your FIL and MIL and your SIL is no help.

I still don't know the outcome and don't want to read any more but have a great Christmas whatever you choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I talked to my in laws. They don’t want the sleepover here. They share my fear. They would happily go there but they have not been invited.

I think after watching their son and grandkids suffer they just really want people to be happy, so they were hoping for some magic solution.

And they have now shared this with their daughter?

Yes her father called her.

Don’t leave us hanging - how did it go and what’s the plan?

I have no idea he left the room to speak privately.

You come across as a very strong personality. Have you considered that In-laws don’t actually agree with you but feel obligated to tell you what you want to hear?

I am pretty fiercely protective of my DH right now. I think usually SIL is the stronger personality.

Understandably, but you need to realize that your fears and stress are making you behave somewhat unreasonably and that you are trying to implement rules and dictate holiday plans in a house that is not your own, which is probably rubbing the other siblings (who actually grew up in the house?) the wrong way. It has the potential to have long term impact on family relationships and dynamics far beyond this Christmas.

The two siblings without young kids have no desire to be here for the holiday. They prefer the other plan.

But, if my choices are putting my husband's health in jeopardy, having my kids miss out on celebrating with their dad, and pissing her off, I can live with choice, especially given that DH's parents are clear that they don't think it's safe either.

Here is is again, the siblings without kids have no desire to be anywhere around this circus. Are you seeing it OP, family is actively trying to disengage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so confused about what is going on.

OP and her family live with her in-laws. DH's sibling lives in the SAME TOWN but want to spend the night so the cousins can wake up together? Why on earth can't they just bring the kids over first thing in the morning in their pajamas??? Especially with a nursing baby, I wouldn't want to have to deal with spending the night somewhere if my parents lived in the same town. Your bother or sister-in-law sounds nuts.

This. One of the best parts of living near family is that you don’t have to all crowd in the same house at the holidays!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I talked to my in laws. They don’t want the sleepover here. They share my fear. They would happily go there but they have not been invited.

I think after watching their son and grandkids suffer they just really want people to be happy, so they were hoping for some magic solution.

And they have now shared this with their daughter?

Yes her father called her.

Don’t leave us hanging - how did it go and what’s the plan?

I have no idea he left the room to speak privately.

You come across as a very strong personality. Have you considered that In-laws don’t actually agree with you but feel obligated to tell you what you want to hear?

I am pretty fiercely protective of my DH right now. I think usually SIL is the stronger personality.

Understandably, but you need to realize that your fears and stress are making you behave somewhat unreasonably and that you are trying to implement rules and dictate holiday plans in a house that is not your own, which is probably rubbing the other siblings (who actually grew up in the house?) the wrong way. It has the potential to have long term impact on family relationships and dynamics far beyond this Christmas.

The two siblings without young kids have no desire to be here for the holiday. They prefer the other plan.

But, if my choices are putting my husband's health in jeopardy, having my kids miss out on celebrating with their dad, and pissing her off, I can live with choice, especially given that DH's parents are clear that they don't think it's safe either.

Op, this is why people are frustrated with you/aren’t supporting you. Every time someone raises a counterpoint or suggests a compromise, you change your story or add new details upping the ante to prove that your preferred outcome is the only reasonable one. Clearly you aren’t and never were willingly to consider alternatives or deviate at all from the line you have drawn in the sand so I’m not sure why you even bothered posting, especially since it seems you have already guilted/bullied all but one in-law into falling in line with your preferences.

[Anonymous]

Look, OP, I think you are a pain in the ass, however, I think you should just tell the sister to bring over her kids first thing in the morning in their PJs for breakfast and cocoa.