When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

OP, empathy for tour situation with your spouse. Trying to nail down a neurological issue takes a lot of trial and error, and time and energy. Best of luck to you on that front.

As for the logistics here, nothing great to suggest. I would say this late in the planning, to book two adjoining hotel rooms for you, DH and kids, open family specific presents early and then hop in the car to drive over to grandparents to drop off your kids so they can open the rest of gifts and then when they are finished with opening gifts and your DH is ready, head over to carry on with the rest of the festivities.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

How is that the perfect solution? And if this sister would have accepted it, why did she also say no?

I assumed they were fine with sleeping at their own house.

You didn't say that part. You made it sound like the other two siblings were willing to spend the night at older sibling's house and you said no.

It's possible that if I'd said yes, they would have said yes. Or if I'd said nothing they would have expressed interest in doing it. But when I said no, I wanted us to have a quiet morning they were like "Christmas morning at home sounds good too." and we agreed to meet for the afternoon.

Now, was she disappointed and wished I'd said yes? I don't know. At that point I took her at her word. I think that since I didn't choose to sleep over at the in laws until my kids were walking and talking and asking for it, it didn't seem odd to me that a mother with a small baby would want to sleep in her own bed. So, a week later when she proposed a change, I was surprised. By that point, the sibling offering their home had made plans to go to her in laws for Christmas Eve, so their house is no longer an option.

As I said above, my guess is that when we planned it she really was OK with the plan, and then she went home and her kids wanted to be with their cousins.

Honestly this is what I would do, this is the smart sibling, they have opted out of the circus and have decided to have the peaceful Christmas at the in-laws. Op I get that you are stressed about your husband however the fact that your FIL had to talk privately, out of the room, away from you, suggests that they feel somewhat differently.

There was a solution by everyone going to the other siblings house and you said no or someone said no and now its not an option, too bad. It appears the only solution you are willing to do, is yours. I get that maybe with everything going on this is reasonable however this isn't your house. If your MIL and FIL felt they didn't want the sleep over, they should have spoken up sooner. The whole family doesn't appear to communicate very well. I mean as soon as the sibling started saying they were upset your inlaws should have said they didn't want the sleepover. Your inlaws left the solution with you which was unfair to you however I also wonder why that was, I feel like you were the one disagreeing the most.

With all the changes I am left confused by what the final plan is but the one thing I am certain of is that the family changing their plans to go elsewhere for Christmas because of the massive sh*tshow the rest of you have gone on with are the smart ones. If I was a sibling I would also choose to go to the in-laws. No offence to you but you are under a massive wad of stress which appears to be affecting your FIL and MIL and your SIL is no help.

I still don't know the outcome and don't want to read any more but have a great Christmas whatever you choose.

All of this hand wringing to get a couple of spoiled toddlers a sleepover with the their teen cousins who don’t want the sleepover anyway. For all of you people saying OP should be more flexible, why should the family of 4 who do not want a sleepover give in? These are some weird responses for the “no is a full sentence” or the “that doesn’t work for us” crowd.

[Anonymous]

Two options you guys go to a hotel but there is no sleep over. This seems like a pretty simple solution to me.
This is why I hate traditions because the second anyone tries to deviate from them you get a one way ticket on a guilt Trip.
I'm sorry no one owns certain days of my life in perpetuity. Just because we went to someone's house for the 4th of July 2 years in a row doesn't mean they get me every 4th of July for life. Nope.

[Anonymous]

What I would do in your shoes: open family gifts with my Dh and my kids on Christmas Eve before everyone arrives. Even if Christmas Eve is noon the day before. Then your kids get their Christmas experience with you DH.

Then, leave kids to do the sleepover while you go to a hotel with DH. Or, stay with DH while he spends the day relaxing in your room at the IL house. Get a white noise machine for this, they work great.

At some point this year face the issues of the old house. If you don’t want to return then just sell it and get your own place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I would do in your shoes: open family gifts with my Dh and my kids on Christmas Eve before everyone arrives. Even if Christmas Eve is noon the day before. Then your kids get their Christmas experience with you DH.

Then, leave kids to do the sleepover while you go to a hotel with DH. Or, stay with DH while he spends the day relaxing in your room at the IL house. Get a white noise machine for this, they work great.

At some point this year face the issues of the old house. If you don’t want to return then just sell it and get your own place.

Did you read the part where her kids don’t want to stay away from their dad? Why should the SIL and the little cousins trump?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster that says this is why traditions suck. No one can every change any aspect of anything without it becoming a huge deal. I dealt with this with my own family. Sorry, sometimes shit happens and I am not going to feel guilty for doing what is best for MY family (dh/kids) just to pacify your need for sameness every damn year.

The SIL has every right to let her kids spend the night if the grandparents want that. But, OP can take her family to a hotel or air B and B. SIL can complain but who cares.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

How is that the perfect solution? And if this sister would have accepted it, why did she also say no?

I assumed they were fine with sleeping at their own house.

You didn't say that part. You made it sound like the other two siblings were willing to spend the night at older sibling's house and you said no.

It's possible that if I'd said yes, they would have said yes. Or if I'd said nothing they would have expressed interest in doing it. But when I said no, I wanted us to have a quiet morning they were like "Christmas morning at home sounds good too." and we agreed to meet for the afternoon.

Now, was she disappointed and wished I'd said yes? I don't know. At that point I took her at her word. I think that since I didn't choose to sleep over at the in laws until my kids were walking and talking and asking for it, it didn't seem odd to me that a mother with a small baby would want to sleep in her own bed. So, a week later when she proposed a change, I was surprised. By that point, the sibling offering their home had made plans to go to her in laws for Christmas Eve, so their house is no longer an option.

As I said above, my guess is that when we planned it she really was OK with the plan, and then she went home and her kids wanted to be with their cousins.

Honestly this is what I would do, this is the smart sibling, they have opted out of the circus and have decided to have the peaceful Christmas at the in-laws. Op I get that you are stressed about your husband however the fact that your FIL had to talk privately, out of the room, away from you, suggests that they feel somewhat differently.

There was a solution by everyone going to the other siblings house and you said no or someone said no and now its not an option, too bad. It appears the only solution you are willing to do, is yours. I get that maybe with everything going on this is reasonable however this isn't your house. If your MIL and FIL felt they didn't want the sleep over, they should have spoken up sooner. The whole family doesn't appear to communicate very well. I mean as soon as the sibling started saying they were upset your inlaws should have said they didn't want the sleepover. Your inlaws left the solution with you which was unfair to you however I also wonder why that was, I feel like you were the one disagreeing the most.

With all the changes I am left confused by what the final plan is but the one thing I am certain of is that the family changing their plans to go elsewhere for Christmas because of the massive sh*tshow the rest of you have gone on with are the smart ones. If I was a sibling I would also choose to go to the in-laws. No offence to you but you are under a massive wad of stress which appears to be affecting your FIL and MIL and your SIL is no help.

I still don't know the outcome and don't want to read any more but have a great Christmas whatever you choose.

All of this hand wringing to get a couple of spoiled toddlers a sleepover with the their teen cousins who don’t want the sleepover anyway. For all of you people saying OP should be more flexible, why should the family of 4 who do not want a sleepover give in? These are some weird responses for the “no is a full sentence” or the “that doesn’t work for us” crowd.

Because it's not their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

How is that the perfect solution? And if this sister would have accepted it, why did she also say no?

I assumed they were fine with sleeping at their own house.

You didn't say that part. You made it sound like the other two siblings were willing to spend the night at older sibling's house and you said no.

It's possible that if I'd said yes, they would have said yes. Or if I'd said nothing they would have expressed interest in doing it. But when I said no, I wanted us to have a quiet morning they were like "Christmas morning at home sounds good too." and we agreed to meet for the afternoon.

Now, was she disappointed and wished I'd said yes? I don't know. At that point I took her at her word. I think that since I didn't choose to sleep over at the in laws until my kids were walking and talking and asking for it, it didn't seem odd to me that a mother with a small baby would want to sleep in her own bed. So, a week later when she proposed a change, I was surprised. By that point, the sibling offering their home had made plans to go to her in laws for Christmas Eve, so their house is no longer an option.

As I said above, my guess is that when we planned it she really was OK with the plan, and then she went home and her kids wanted to be with their cousins.

Honestly this is what I would do, this is the smart sibling, they have opted out of the circus and have decided to have the peaceful Christmas at the in-laws. Op I get that you are stressed about your husband however the fact that your FIL had to talk privately, out of the room, away from you, suggests that they feel somewhat differently.

There was a solution by everyone going to the other siblings house and you said no or someone said no and now its not an option, too bad. It appears the only solution you are willing to do, is yours. I get that maybe with everything going on this is reasonable however this isn't your house. If your MIL and FIL felt they didn't want the sleep over, they should have spoken up sooner. The whole family doesn't appear to communicate very well. I mean as soon as the sibling started saying they were upset your inlaws should have said they didn't want the sleepover. Your inlaws left the solution with you which was unfair to you however I also wonder why that was, I feel like you were the one disagreeing the most.

With all the changes I am left confused by what the final plan is but the one thing I am certain of is that the family changing their plans to go elsewhere for Christmas because of the massive sh*tshow the rest of you have gone on with are the smart ones. If I was a sibling I would also choose to go to the in-laws. No offence to you but you are under a massive wad of stress which appears to be affecting your FIL and MIL and your SIL is no help.

I still don't know the outcome and don't want to read any more but have a great Christmas whatever you choose.

All of this hand wringing to get a couple of spoiled toddlers a sleepover with the their teen cousins who don’t want the sleepover anyway. For all of you people saying OP should be more flexible, why should the family of 4 who do not want a sleepover give in? These are some weird responses for the “no is a full sentence” or the “that doesn’t work for us” crowd.

Because it's not their house.

She offered to leave the house she is currently living in. But that wasn’t good enough for the toddlers.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I talked to my in laws. They don’t want the sleepover here. They share my fear. They would happily go there but they have not been invited.

I think after watching their son and grandkids suffer they just really want people to be happy, so they were hoping for some magic solution.

And they have now shared this with their daughter?

Yes her father called her.

Don’t leave us hanging - how did it go and what’s the plan?

I have no idea he left the room to speak privately.

You come across as a very strong personality. Have you considered that In-laws don’t actually agree with you but feel obligated to tell you what you want to hear?

I am pretty fiercely protective of my DH right now. I think usually SIL is the stronger personality.

Understandably, but you need to realize that your fears and stress are making you behave somewhat unreasonably and that you are trying to implement rules and dictate holiday plans in a house that is not your own, which is probably rubbing the other siblings (who actually grew up in the house?) the wrong way. It has the potential to have long term impact on family relationships and dynamics far beyond this Christmas.

The two siblings without young kids have no desire to be here for the holiday. They prefer the other plan.

But, if my choices are putting my husband's health in jeopardy, having my kids miss out on celebrating with their dad, and pissing her off, I can live with choice, especially given that DH's parents are clear that they don't think it's safe either.

Here is is again, the siblings without kids have no desire to be anywhere around this circus. Are you seeing it OP, family is actively trying to disengage.

Those two siblings want to keep the plan with one of them hosting. It's not that they don't want to see us, or want to engage. They just like the original plan of meeting at one of their houses, and see no need to change it.

[Anonymous]

The SIL seems like the one not wanting to compromise on anything here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I talked to my in laws. They don’t want the sleepover here. They share my fear. They would happily go there but they have not been invited.

I think after watching their son and grandkids suffer they just really want people to be happy, so they were hoping for some magic solution.

And they have now shared this with their daughter?

Yes her father called her.

Don’t leave us hanging - how did it go and what’s the plan?

I have no idea he left the room to speak privately.

You come across as a very strong personality. Have you considered that In-laws don’t actually agree with you but feel obligated to tell you what you want to hear?

I am pretty fiercely protective of my DH right now. I think usually SIL is the stronger personality.

Understandably, but you need to realize that your fears and stress are making you behave somewhat unreasonably and that you are trying to implement rules and dictate holiday plans in a house that is not your own, which is probably rubbing the other siblings (who actually grew up in the house?) the wrong way. It has the potential to have long term impact on family relationships and dynamics far beyond this Christmas.

The two siblings without young kids have no desire to be here for the holiday. They prefer the other plan.

But, if my choices are putting my husband's health in jeopardy, having my kids miss out on celebrating with their dad, and pissing her off, I can live with choice, especially given that DH's parents are clear that they don't think it's safe either.

Op, this is why people are frustrated with you/aren’t supporting you. Every time someone raises a counterpoint or suggests a compromise, you change your story or add new details upping the ante to prove that your preferred outcome is the only reasonable one. Clearly you aren’t and never were willingly to consider alternatives or deviate at all from the line you have drawn in the sand so I’m not sure why you even bothered posting, especially since it seems you have already guilted/bullied all but one in-law into falling in line with your preferences.

How is this a change from my original post? Other than the fact that when I posted the the OP, a couple hours after this SIL asked if she could come uninvited, DH's parents had had time to decide whether they were willing to change their plan to accommodate.

My line in the sand has been the same, I can accommodate several different ways which I suggested and got shot down, but we aren't willing to spend the night in the same house, it's too long a visit for someone with fragile health, and I'm not willing to leave my kids behind.

[Anonymous]

Even though they don't own the house, they live there and do get some say on things that happen there. A party that will cause inconvenience to them is something they get to have a little input on, especially when it's there son who is sick is and living there with his family. Also, if the SIL agreed to the original plan, her going back on it and creating a scene about her precious children not getting to sleep at someone else's house they aren't entitled to is spoiled. SIL needs to grow up and stick to the original agreement; Not guilt the woman who is already not living in her own home during the holidays and taking care of a sick spouse.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You need to move out of your in-law's house. A DIL should not be providing elder care IMO. It will only cause resentment from all sides.

Why?

This makes zero sense if a daughter or son will not step up. I did all the care for my MIL. My husband is very good to me. Why wouldn't I help him care for his mom when I had the time and flexibility and he didn't?

Sure, if the siblings won't step up. I'm speaking of families where the kids/parents are supportive and local. Since DIL lives in the house, does she start taking MIL to the doctor? Is she the keeper/relayer of medical information then? I've witnessed this. The bio kids are pushed out. This Christmas thing notwithstanding, but OP is already making decisions about what happens in IL's own house. What happens if the husband passes and the kids move out? Is she living in the house with the ILs?

This is all fine as a temporary measure while her husband is sick and they are figuring things out, but I would make a plan for the future.

[Anonymous]

I don't think any of this has to do with this stupid slumber party.
I think the SIL is a bit jealous of the time OPs kids are getting with the grandparents and she is wanting the same for her kids.
She likely does NOT like OP and her DH living with the inlaws (for whatever reason, thinking they will get the house, better bonding, manipulating them somehow, who knows) and She is trying desperately to hang on to control in any way she can. In this case it is with this dumb sleepover. OP doesn't want it so SIL really does.
Just let her have it but leave and take your family with you.
Grandparents, DH and SIL need to have a heart to heart about boundaries and you, DH and grandparents need to establish some expectations with you living there. Start paying rent and get a fair say or find somewhere new.

[Anonymous]

Ok took me 2 days but I read the whole thread.

To OP - SIL is a witch and/or a big inconsiderate baby.

I think OP was kind to move into her in-laws house. She is helping them and as they age she will have to help them more. That gives her rights even without having a seriously ill husband.

Good luck OP. Hope it works out.