When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

DH and I and our kids (tween and teen) live with his parents. We moved in for pandemic related reasons, and then stayed, in part because DH has developed a serious illness, which has caused permanent disability. We are still adjusting to that.

DH's sibling used to live far away and came home with her kids every year for Christmas, staying with my in laws. Of course last year was different due to the pandemic. This year they moved back to the state, and live close by. They have more kids than we do, and their kids are younger, including a young baby.

Last week I sat down with all of DH's parents and siblings and we made a plan for Christmas (DH is really not in a place to do this, due to illness). We agreed that we'd each do Christmas morning at our own house, and then meet at another sibling's house in the afternoon to exchange gifts, play games and have a feast. I like this plan. DH's stamina is a huge issue, and he gets overwhelmed by kid chaos. So, allowing him to focus on our kids in the morning makes sense to me. Plus my in laws are older, and one has major health issues that make covid a high risk despite vaccination. Gathering for a shorter time period with masks seems to make sense to me. Our plan was to either eat outside with heater, or if it rains to move inside and eat in family groups. Other than the baby, everyone will be masked and vaccinated.

Today, DH's sibling announced that this plan is "unfair". They feels that the house is theirs as much as DH's, and that their kids are entitled to sleep over and wake up at Grandma's for Christmas, just the way they've always done. They think DH should suck it up, and can handle one day. I am actually not sure he can without relapse. Plus, that doesn't address the covid concern. We don't have enough bedrooms to do this without doubling up kids from different families, and of course they can't sleep with masks.

I've proposed that they come here, and we go somewhere else (hotel?). I've also proposed that they invite grandparents to their house. But apparently the tradition is waking up with grandparents and cousins (we used to go for a sleepover on Christmas Eve), so neither of those suggestions was acceptable. DH's other siblings either have adult children, or no children.

DH's parents initially thought the plan made sense. They live with DH, so they have a better sense of how he's doing. But they don't like seeing any of their kids upset at Christmas so they are hoping there's some compromise.

[Anonymous]

I would go with what the majority wants to do. Its a tradition they've had so if everyone else wants to continue that tradition I would go along.

[Anonymous]

If you are really worried about DH and he agrees, I would stay in a hotel. Sibling sounds like a jerk for not taking into account your DH's medical issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are really worried about DH and he agrees, I would stay in a hotel. Sibling sounds like a jerk for not taking into account your DH's medical issues.

I suggested that, and was told that sibling's children would feel "abandoned" if their cousins weren't here. We could, obviously, go anyway, but I don't see a point if it doesn't make them happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go with what the majority wants to do. Its a tradition they've had so if everyone else wants to continue that tradition I would go along.

And accept that DH doesn't really participate?

With DH's parents abstaining, it's really just the two families voting. Since they have more kids does that make them the majority?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are really worried about DH and he agrees, I would stay in a hotel. Sibling sounds like a jerk for not taking into account your DH's medical issues.

I suggested that, and was told that sibling's children would feel "abandoned" if their cousins weren't here. We could, obviously, go anyway, but I don't see a point if it doesn't make them happy.

The point would be If you think DH cannot handle. If he can handle and it is about covid, ask everyone to test beforehand. Otherwise, you guys go to the hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are really worried about DH and he agrees, I would stay in a hotel. Sibling sounds like a jerk for not taking into account your DH's medical issues.

I suggested that, and was told that sibling's children would feel "abandoned" if their cousins weren't here. We could, obviously, go anyway, but I don't see a point if it doesn't make them happy.

The point would be If you think DH cannot handle. If he can handle and it is about covid, ask everyone to test beforehand. Otherwise, you guys go to the hotel.

I think it's about both. The covid issue, I have less control over because it's up to DH's parents whether they take the risk. DH's illness doesn't increase his risk from covid.

But I don't think DH can handle. I just don't see how us going to a hotel solves the issue.

[Anonymous]

I think the sibling likely does not fully understand your husbands illness and is feeling hurt and rejected. Especially since it’s you, not your DH, making the plans.

Even though it makes logical sense, I can see why the sibling feels hurt that you and your kids get to be unmasked and normal with their parents. And they and thier kids get an outside drop by visit. Why not have everyone test and then all get together? Your DH can stay in your room if he gets overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

They can't control what you do. If you want your family to go to a hotel, then go to a hotel. Get a suite, you can open gifts with your immediate family, and DH can rest before going back to the house.

[Anonymous]

Of course if sibling insists on staying at house you go to hotel. What’s fair about endangering your stability and husband’s health? Sibling is asking you to playact in her version of a Hallmark holiday that could turn out to be a horror story for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the sibling likely does not fully understand your husbands illness and is feeling hurt and rejected. Especially since it’s you, not your DH, making the plans.

Even though it makes logical sense, I can see why the sibling feels hurt that you and your kids get to be unmasked and normal with their parents. And they and thier kids get an outside drop by visit. Why not have everyone test and then all get together? Your DH can stay in your room if he gets overwhelmed.

So, my kids don't get to spend Christmas with their own father? My DH doesn't celebrate Christmas?

[Anonymous]

In times of Omicron, you are certainly not moving to a hotel. What a ridiculous notion!

You cannot stop anyone else from temporarily occupying the house, but if your husband so wishes, he can isolate in a room to get some peace and quiet, and you can monitor that by telling everyone that this is what he's doing. The little kids are not allowed to go in this room. You can bring him his meals there, make it comfy, maybe he can watch some movies, read books, do crossword puzzles, whatever. Perhaps he might benefit from some ear plugs (the good ones are the Quies wax ones, that need to be warmed a bit to fit) to sleep better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are really worried about DH and he agrees, I would stay in a hotel. Sibling sounds like a jerk for not taking into account your DH's medical issues.

I suggested that, and was told that sibling's children would feel "abandoned" if their cousins weren't here. We could, obviously, go anyway, but I don't see a point if it doesn't make them happy.

The point would be If you think DH cannot handle. If he can handle and it is about covid, ask everyone to test beforehand. Otherwise, you guys go to the hotel.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the sibling likely does not fully understand your husbands illness and is feeling hurt and rejected. Especially since it’s you, not your DH, making the plans.

Even though it makes logical sense, I can see why the sibling feels hurt that you and your kids get to be unmasked and normal with their parents. And they and thier kids get an outside drop by visit. Why not have everyone test and then all get together? Your DH can stay in your room if he gets overwhelmed.

So, my kids don't get to spend Christmas with their own father? My DH doesn't celebrate Christmas?

No, you can celebrate together, but you don’t break up other peoples traditions when you are staying in someone else’s house. You need to find something that works for your family that doesn’t require others to change their traditions for you.

[Anonymous]

Nope. The problem is Covid. If we weren’t in a pandemic surge, I would say just stuff everyone in the same house and let your husband deal with the chaos. But their plan increases his Covid risk and the grandparents’ Covid risk. If this happens to spite your objections, I think you could go stay at an Airbnb single-family home. You might not be able to find one at this late date however. You could also try to get some rapid test and test everyone before they go in the house and Christmas morning. But that’s not a great situation and you might not be able to find the tests.

I really think because of Covid you need to stick to the outdoor afternoon plan. Otherwise I would say go with the flow but because of Covid I think you need to stick to your guns.