When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

How is that the perfect solution? And if this sister would have accepted it, why did she also say no?

I assumed they were fine with sleeping at their own house.

You didn't say that part. You made it sound like the other two siblings were willing to spend the night at older sibling's house and you said no.

It's possible that if I'd said yes, they would have said yes. Or if I'd said nothing they would have expressed interest in doing it. But when I said no, I wanted us to have a quiet morning they were like "Christmas morning at home sounds good too." and we agreed to meet for the afternoon.

Now, was she disappointed and wished I'd said yes? I don't know. At that point I took her at her word. I think that since I didn't choose to sleep over at the in laws until my kids were walking and talking and asking for it, it didn't seem odd to me that a mother with a small baby would want to sleep in her own bed. So, a week later when she proposed a change, I was surprised. By that point, the sibling offering their home had made plans to go to her in laws for Christmas Eve, so their house is no longer an option.

As I said above, my guess is that when we planned it she really was OK with the plan, and then she went home and her kids wanted to be with their cousins.

Honestly this is what I would do, this is the smart sibling, they have opted out of the circus and have decided to have the peaceful Christmas at the in-laws. Op I get that you are stressed about your husband however the fact that your FIL had to talk privately, out of the room, away from you, suggests that they feel somewhat differently.

There was a solution by everyone going to the other siblings house and you said no or someone said no and now its not an option, too bad. It appears the only solution you are willing to do, is yours. I get that maybe with everything going on this is reasonable however this isn't your house. If your MIL and FIL felt they didn't want the sleep over, they should have spoken up sooner. The whole family doesn't appear to communicate very well. I mean as soon as the sibling started saying they were upset your inlaws should have said they didn't want the sleepover. Your inlaws left the solution with you which was unfair to you however I also wonder why that was, I feel like you were the one disagreeing the most.

With all the changes I am left confused by what the final plan is but the one thing I am certain of is that the family changing their plans to go elsewhere for Christmas because of the massive sh*tshow the rest of you have gone on with are the smart ones. If I was a sibling I would also choose to go to the in-laws. No offence to you but you are under a massive wad of stress which appears to be affecting your FIL and MIL and your SIL is no help.

I still don't know the outcome and don't want to read any more but have a great Christmas whatever you choose.

All of this hand wringing to get a couple of spoiled toddlers a sleepover with the their teen cousins who don’t want the sleepover anyway. For all of you people saying OP should be more flexible, why should the family of 4 who do not want a sleepover give in? These are some weird responses for the “no is a full sentence” or the “that doesn’t work for us” crowd.

Because OP is living in the grandparents house. It's not her house. OP originally posted it like the grandparents WANTED it to happen because it had been an ongoing tradition within their family. Op made it sound like she was the only one who didn't want the sleep over at the grandparents house. OP said her FIL told her to come up with a compromise or solution.

Now 17 pages in FIL and everyone is happy not having the sleepover and the tradition is no big deal. It wasn't about no being a complete sentence. Posters were left with a feeling that everyone wanted the tradition to continue except OP. If she is living in someone else's house she doesn't get to say no for them.

However all is fine, apparently there is no confusion, everyone wants the same thing except for SIL. Its like that song 'Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas' cue the crazy family antics before Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

How is that the perfect solution? And if this sister would have accepted it, why did she also say no?

I assumed they were fine with sleeping at their own house.

You didn't say that part. You made it sound like the other two siblings were willing to spend the night at older sibling's house and you said no.

It's possible that if I'd said yes, they would have said yes. Or if I'd said nothing they would have expressed interest in doing it. But when I said no, I wanted us to have a quiet morning they were like "Christmas morning at home sounds good too." and we agreed to meet for the afternoon.

Now, was she disappointed and wished I'd said yes? I don't know. At that point I took her at her word. I think that since I didn't choose to sleep over at the in laws until my kids were walking and talking and asking for it, it didn't seem odd to me that a mother with a small baby would want to sleep in her own bed. So, a week later when she proposed a change, I was surprised. By that point, the sibling offering their home had made plans to go to her in laws for Christmas Eve, so their house is no longer an option.

As I said above, my guess is that when we planned it she really was OK with the plan, and then she went home and her kids wanted to be with their cousins.

Honestly this is what I would do, this is the smart sibling, they have opted out of the circus and have decided to have the peaceful Christmas at the in-laws. Op I get that you are stressed about your husband however the fact that your FIL had to talk privately, out of the room, away from you, suggests that they feel somewhat differently.

There was a solution by everyone going to the other siblings house and you said no or someone said no and now its not an option, too bad. It appears the only solution you are willing to do, is yours. I get that maybe with everything going on this is reasonable however this isn't your house. If your MIL and FIL felt they didn't want the sleep over, they should have spoken up sooner. The whole family doesn't appear to communicate very well. I mean as soon as the sibling started saying they were upset your inlaws should have said they didn't want the sleepover. Your inlaws left the solution with you which was unfair to you however I also wonder why that was, I feel like you were the one disagreeing the most.

With all the changes I am left confused by what the final plan is but the one thing I am certain of is that the family changing their plans to go elsewhere for Christmas because of the massive sh*tshow the rest of you have gone on with are the smart ones. If I was a sibling I would also choose to go to the in-laws. No offence to you but you are under a massive wad of stress which appears to be affecting your FIL and MIL and your SIL is no help.

I still don't know the outcome and don't want to read any more but have a great Christmas whatever you choose.

All of this hand wringing to get a couple of spoiled toddlers a sleepover with the their teen cousins who don’t want the sleepover anyway. For all of you people saying OP should be more flexible, why should the family of 4 who do not want a sleepover give in? These are some weird responses for the “no is a full sentence” or the “that doesn’t work for us” crowd.

Because OP is living in the grandparents house. It's not her house. OP originally posted it like the grandparents WANTED it to happen because it had been an ongoing tradition within their family. Op made it sound like she was the only one who didn't want the sleep over at the grandparents house. OP said her FIL told her to come up with a compromise or solution.

Now 17 pages in FIL and everyone is happy not having the sleepover and the tradition is no big deal. It wasn't about no being a complete sentence. Posters were left with a feeling that everyone wanted the tradition to continue except OP. If she is living in someone else's house she doesn't get to say no for them.

However all is fine, apparently there is no confusion, everyone wants the same thing except for SIL. Its like that song 'Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas' cue the crazy family antics before Christmas.

No, that was clear well before page 17. Some of you are just determined to find the fault in the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

OH MY GOD. No wonder everyone is mad at you. You had the perfect solution and you said no. I can't read anymore.

How is that the perfect solution? And if this sister would have accepted it, why did she also say no?

I assumed they were fine with sleeping at their own house.

You didn't say that part. You made it sound like the other two siblings were willing to spend the night at older sibling's house and you said no.

It's possible that if I'd said yes, they would have said yes. Or if I'd said nothing they would have expressed interest in doing it. But when I said no, I wanted us to have a quiet morning they were like "Christmas morning at home sounds good too." and we agreed to meet for the afternoon.

Now, was she disappointed and wished I'd said yes? I don't know. At that point I took her at her word. I think that since I didn't choose to sleep over at the in laws until my kids were walking and talking and asking for it, it didn't seem odd to me that a mother with a small baby would want to sleep in her own bed. So, a week later when she proposed a change, I was surprised. By that point, the sibling offering their home had made plans to go to her in laws for Christmas Eve, so their house is no longer an option.

As I said above, my guess is that when we planned it she really was OK with the plan, and then she went home and her kids wanted to be with their cousins.

Honestly this is what I would do, this is the smart sibling, they have opted out of the circus and have decided to have the peaceful Christmas at the in-laws. Op I get that you are stressed about your husband however the fact that your FIL had to talk privately, out of the room, away from you, suggests that they feel somewhat differently.

There was a solution by everyone going to the other siblings house and you said no or someone said no and now its not an option, too bad. It appears the only solution you are willing to do, is yours. I get that maybe with everything going on this is reasonable however this isn't your house. If your MIL and FIL felt they didn't want the sleep over, they should have spoken up sooner. The whole family doesn't appear to communicate very well. I mean as soon as the sibling started saying they were upset your inlaws should have said they didn't want the sleepover. Your inlaws left the solution with you which was unfair to you however I also wonder why that was, I feel like you were the one disagreeing the most.

With all the changes I am left confused by what the final plan is but the one thing I am certain of is that the family changing their plans to go elsewhere for Christmas because of the massive sh*tshow the rest of you have gone on with are the smart ones. If I was a sibling I would also choose to go to the in-laws. No offence to you but you are under a massive wad of stress which appears to be affecting your FIL and MIL and your SIL is no help.

I still don't know the outcome and don't want to read any more but have a great Christmas whatever you choose.

All of this hand wringing to get a couple of spoiled toddlers a sleepover with the their teen cousins who don’t want the sleepover anyway. For all of you people saying OP should be more flexible, why should the family of 4 who do not want a sleepover give in? These are some weird responses for the “no is a full sentence” or the “that doesn’t work for us” crowd.

Because OP is living in the grandparents house. It's not her house. OP originally posted it like the grandparents WANTED it to happen because it had been an ongoing tradition within their family. Op made it sound like she was the only one who didn't want the sleep over at the grandparents house. OP said her FIL told her to come up with a compromise or solution.

Now 17 pages in FIL and everyone is happy not having the sleepover and the tradition is no big deal. It wasn't about no being a complete sentence. Posters were left with a feeling that everyone wanted the tradition to continue except OP. If she is living in someone else's house she doesn't get to say no for them.

However all is fine, apparently there is no confusion, everyone wants the same thing except for SIL. Its like that song 'Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas' cue the crazy family antics before Christmas.

My original post says that Grandparents liked the original plan (everyone sleeps at home and we gather the next day), and were involved in making it, but don't like seeing their daughter upset so they were hoping for a compromise. I am unclear how you took from that they were desperate for a sleepover.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read replies, but it sounds from your OP that family is not getting that your DH is really sick and things have changed for him and for you and for your kids. Just because "we've always done it this way" doesn't work when there is a serious illness and change in someone's health. I think they don't get that, and I think they need to suck it and go with something being different because your DH's health depends on it.

[Anonymous]

I cannot follow this thread, nor the multiple plans/options. Beyond my bandwidth. I’m impressed PPs were able to do it.

[Anonymous]

Could DH manage the morning, and then leave around lunch to go to a hotel- by himself- to relax and recuperate for a day/night before returning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could DH manage the morning, and then leave around lunch to go to a hotel- by himself- to relax and recuperate for a day/night before returning?

OP here,

I am actually now curious. Let's put the house thing aside, since obviously now that FIL has said that he doesn't think it's safe for MIL due to covid, we can't actually claim that this is about them getting to see their grandchildren.

Would any of agree to staying in a hotel without your kids on Christmas so that your kids could have a playdate they didn't want with much younger kids? And not seeing two of your siblings at all, because one sibling wanted more time?

It happens that no, he couldn't stay alone, but if he could I still don't see how this is a solution. Do other people not like spending Christmas with their own children, so they think it's not a lot to ask?

[Anonymous]

OP I haven’t read all of this but if you are not renting out your house, why couldn’t you go home for the night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I haven’t read all of this but if you are not renting out your house, why couldn’t you go home for the night?

Because in the gap between episode 1 (during which he lost his job, and we decided to move here and prepare that house to rent or sell) and episode 2 DH started some construction work there, and at the point that he got sick, the water was turned off and all the furniture had been moved here, and it's basically not habitable.

Plus, my in laws don't feel safe with them being at the house overnight due to covid, and they shouldn't be forced to host visitors they don't want. Plus, SIL is focused on her kids being with my kids, and has been very clear that if I took the kids elsewhere she wouldn't come, and I'm not leaving my kids behind on Christmas.

[Anonymous]

You are delusional if you think anyone is jealous of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are delusional if you think anyone is jealous of you.

Not OP. I don’t think SIL is jealous of OP. I do think SIL of OP “encroaching” on things she sees as belonging to her (e.g., fun time with her parents, more attention on her kids, knowing her brother best, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are delusional if you think anyone is jealous of you.

Not OP. I don’t think SIL is jealous of OP. I do think SIL is jealous of OP “encroaching” on things she sees as belonging to her (e.g., fun time with her parents, more attention on her kids, knowing her brother best, etc).

. Fixed typo

[Anonymous]

I’m disgusted at all the people suggesting that OP is the one who needs to be accommodating here. OP pays RENT at the grandparents house. So she has every right to be there and have her sick husband’s needs accommodated.

OP, read about the ring theory and dumping out, not in. https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html

This SIL is being a complete jerk. Her brother is very sick and OP is trying to adjust to their new normal and SIL wants to throw a tantrum about a Christmas sleepover? When her brother has just gotten home from a 2 month hospital stay during a pandemic? Her children are too young to really have any notion that spending Christmas Eve night at home instead of at grandma’s house is a departure from the norm. SIL is an adult who needs to suck it up and realize that we are still in a pandemic and her brother’s wife is overburdened by caring for her elderly ILs and sick husband and her own kids, which means Christmas will look a bit different this year and she needs to count her blessings that she and her immediate family are healthy. I’m absolutely horrified at the pages and pages of PPs suggesting all these options that would put the sick husband in a hotel or Airbnb. The healthy people don’t put the sick people in an uncomfortable position just so they get to have every tradition they way they want. It is massively inconsiderate and cruel. There is no way on earth I could ever ask someone invalid to leave their home and stay at a hotel so that my young toddler children could have a sleepover with grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could DH manage the morning, and then leave around lunch to go to a hotel- by himself- to relax and recuperate for a day/night before returning?

OP here,

I am actually now curious. Let's put the house thing aside, since obviously now that FIL has said that he doesn't think it's safe for MIL due to covid, we can't actually claim that this is about them getting to see their grandchildren.

Would any of agree to staying in a hotel without your kids on Christmas so that your kids could have a playdate they didn't want with much younger kids? And not seeing two of your siblings at all, because one sibling wanted more time?

It happens that no, he couldn't stay alone, but if he could I still don't see how this is a solution. Do other people not like spending Christmas with their own children, so they think it's not a lot to ask?

No, and the suggestions to do so are positively asinine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m disgusted at all the people suggesting that OP is the one who needs to be accommodating here. OP pays RENT at the grandparents house. So she has every right to be there and have her sick husband’s needs accommodated.

OP, read about the ring theory and dumping out, not in. https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html

This SIL is being a complete jerk. Her brother is very sick and OP is trying to adjust to their new normal and SIL wants to throw a tantrum about a Christmas sleepover? When her brother has just gotten home from a 2 month hospital stay during a pandemic? Her children are too young to really have any notion that spending Christmas Eve night at home instead of at grandma’s house is a departure from the norm. SIL is an adult who needs to suck it up and realize that we are still in a pandemic and her brother’s wife is overburdened by caring for her elderly ILs and sick husband and her own kids, which means Christmas will look a bit different this year and she needs to count her blessings that she and her immediate family are healthy. I’m absolutely horrified at the pages and pages of PPs suggesting all these options that would put the sick husband in a hotel or Airbnb. The healthy people don’t put the sick people in an uncomfortable position just so they get to have every tradition they way they want. It is massively inconsiderate and cruel. There is no way on earth I could ever ask someone invalid to leave their home and stay at a hotel so that my young toddler children could have a sleepover with grandma.

People are piling on op because she has given information in drips and drabs rather than a coherent story, with each addition designed to elicit more sympathy and a lot of people simply aren’t buying it.