When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the sibling likely does not fully understand your husbands illness and is feeling hurt and rejected. Especially since it’s you, not your DH, making the plans.

Even though it makes logical sense, I can see why the sibling feels hurt that you and your kids get to be unmasked and normal with their parents. And they and thier kids get an outside drop by visit. Why not have everyone test and then all get together? Your DH can stay in your room if he gets overwhelmed.

So, my kids don't get to spend Christmas with their own father? My DH doesn't celebrate Christmas?

No, you can celebrate together, but you don’t break up other peoples traditions when you are staying in someone else’s house. You need to find something that works for your family that doesn’t require others to change their traditions for you.

We are in the middle of a pandemic search and there is a severely ill middle-aged person and a elderly couple involved in the situation. The original posters original plan is much safer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the sibling likely does not fully understand your husbands illness and is feeling hurt and rejected. Especially since it’s you, not your DH, making the plans.

Even though it makes logical sense, I can see why the sibling feels hurt that you and your kids get to be unmasked and normal with their parents. And they and thier kids get an outside drop by visit. Why not have everyone test and then all get together? Your DH can stay in your room if he gets overwhelmed.

So, my kids don't get to spend Christmas with their own father? My DH doesn't celebrate Christmas?

No, you can celebrate together, but you don’t break up other peoples traditions when you are staying in someone else’s house. You need to find something that works for your family that doesn’t require others to change their traditions for you.

So, if their tradition is waking up with my kids, I just have to let them. I can't go to a hotel, unless I leave my kids behind?

[Anonymous]

If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are really worried about DH and he agrees, I would stay in a hotel. Sibling sounds like a jerk for not taking into account your DH's medical issues.

Hotels aren’t that safe wrt to Covid. They would need to get a single-family home Airbnb and those are probably all booked at this point. They could try.

The other family needs to accept that we are in a pandemic and that your plan is safer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

Hello, there’s a pandemic right now. This is an exceptional situation.

[Anonymous]

What is your husband’s illness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

Hello, there’s a pandemic right now. This is an exceptional situation.

No, it’s not. If her husband will face the same stamina/child noise issues every year then the Covid isn’t the real issue. It’s that op wants a quiet Christmas morning in someone else’s house to the exclusion of her in laws who have as much fight to celebrate as she does.

Op, your husband needs to either isolate in your bedroom or join in the best he can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

We are still in the early stages of figuring that out. The last relapse landed him the hospital for 2 months. He got home a couple weeks ago, and so I'm probably a little on edge. I really have no idea of what the new normal will be.

But yes, it's possible that we won't want to share Christmas mornings going forward, and that they'll need to figure out a new tradition that doesn't incorporate my kids.

My kids would 100% choose their Dad over their cousins. DH is really grieving his loss of function which makes these conversations hard.

To be clear, we aren't planning a 100% outdoor visit, just a visit with masks indoors, and lots of outdoor play for the kids, and eating outside if the weather is reasonable. There's a nice set up with outdoor heaters, which we might not need since the current prediction is 64 degrees for Christmas lunchtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your husband’s illness?

Something neurological.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the sibling likely does not fully understand your husbands illness and is feeling hurt and rejected. Especially since it’s you, not your DH, making the plans.

Even though it makes logical sense, I can see why the sibling feels hurt that you and your kids get to be unmasked and normal with their parents. And they and thier kids get an outside drop by visit. Why not have everyone test and then all get together? Your DH can stay in your room if he gets overwhelmed.

So, my kids don't get to spend Christmas with their own father? My DH doesn't celebrate Christmas?

No, you can celebrate together, but you don’t break up other peoples traditions when you are staying in someone else’s house. You need to find something that works for your family that doesn’t require others to change their traditions for you.

So, if their tradition is waking up with my kids, I just have to let them. I can't go to a hotel, unless I leave my kids behind?

That is correct. Although I doubt they view their tradition as ‘waking up with your children’ but rather ‘waking up with their grandparents’.

[Anonymous]

Can't your DH just stay in your room while the rest of the family does Christmas? I agree, this is unfair to the rest of the family, and your argument about no space makes no sense when you say you've done this in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I and our kids (tween and teen) live with his parents. We moved in for pandemic related reasons, and then stayed, in part because DH has developed a serious illness, which has caused permanent disability. We are still adjusting to that.

DH's sibling used to live far away and came home with her kids every year for Christmas, staying with my in laws. Of course last year was different due to the pandemic. This year they moved back to the state, and live close by. They have more kids than we do, and their kids are younger, including a young baby.

Last week I sat down with all of DH's parents and siblings and we made a plan for Christmas (DH is really not in a place to do this, due to illness). We agreed that we'd each do Christmas morning at our own house, and then meet at another sibling's house in the afternoon to exchange gifts, play games and have a feast. I like this plan. DH's stamina is a huge issue, and he gets overwhelmed by kid chaos. So, allowing him to focus on our kids in the morning makes sense to me. Plus my in laws are older, and one has major health issues that make covid a high risk despite vaccination. Gathering for a shorter time period with masks seems to make sense to me. Our plan was to either eat outside with heater, or if it rains to move inside and eat in family groups. Other than the baby, everyone will be masked and vaccinated.

Today, DH's sibling announced that this plan is "unfair". They feels that the house is theirs as much as DH's, and that their kids are entitled to sleep over and wake up at Grandma's for Christmas, just the way they've always done. They think DH should suck it up, and can handle one day. I am actually not sure he can without relapse. Plus, that doesn't address the covid concern. We don't have enough bedrooms to do this without doubling up kids from different families, and of course they can't sleep with masks.

I've proposed that they come here, and we go somewhere else (hotel?). I've also proposed that they invite grandparents to their house. But apparently the tradition is waking up with grandparents and cousins (we used to go for a sleepover on Christmas Eve), so neither of those suggestions was acceptable. DH's other siblings either have adult children, or no children.

DH's parents initially thought the plan made sense. They live with DH, so they have a better sense of how he's doing. But they don't like seeing any of their kids upset at Christmas so they are hoping there's some compromise.

OP I’m sorry that your husband is going through health issues- I’m sure it’s been tough. At the same time it’s probably hard for your DH’s sibling (who may not fully understand the extent of your husband’s medical situation) to feel like their kids are playing second fiddle to yours in the grandparent relationship and that your moving in with the parents is limiting their own ability to maintain those ties. Having to give up a family tradition of sleeping over at the grandparents house because your family has moved in and « has dibs » on the rooms, etc, may be the latest in a string of frustrations/perceived injustices in their eyes.

[Anonymous]

Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

Hello, there’s a pandemic right now. This is an exceptional situation.

No, it’s not. If her husband will face the same stamina/child noise issues every year then the Covid isn’t the real issue. It’s that op wants a quiet Christmas morning in someone else’s house to the exclusion of her in laws who have as much fight to celebrate as she does.

Op, your husband needs to either isolate in your bedroom or join in the best he can.

Well maybe by next year they will have their own house. They need to make a decision about this year. And this year, we are in a pandemic. Even if the original poster was not living in the house with her husband, it would not be a good idea for these cousins to spend the night. Because they will be exposing the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't your DH just stay in your room while the rest of the family does Christmas? I agree, this is unfair to the rest of the family, and your argument about no space makes no sense when you say you've done this in the past.

Before covid, the kids just all piled in together in room, and DH and I slept on a pull out couch. It worked fine for one night. But, with his illness, DH needs a bed in a room with a door that closes, and with covid I don't want my kids sleeping unmasked with their kids. They are insistent that their older kids can't stay in a room with them since the baby doesn't sleep through the night. So, a house that used to fit, doesn't fit really.