When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the sibling likely does not fully understand your husbands illness and is feeling hurt and rejected. Especially since it’s you, not your DH, making the plans.

Even though it makes logical sense, I can see why the sibling feels hurt that you and your kids get to be unmasked and normal with their parents. And they and thier kids get an outside drop by visit. Why not have everyone test and then all get together? Your DH can stay in your room if he gets overwhelmed.

So, my kids don't get to spend Christmas with their own father? My DH doesn't celebrate Christmas?

No, you can celebrate together, but you don’t break up other peoples traditions when you are staying in someone else’s house. You need to find something that works for your family that doesn’t require others to change their traditions for you.

So, if their tradition is waking up with my kids, I just have to let them. I can't go to a hotel, unless I leave my kids behind?

That is correct. Although I doubt they view their tradition as ‘waking up with your children’ but rather ‘waking up with their grandparents’.

Well, except that I suggested two solutions, us leaving to go elsewhere and giving them the house and grandparents, and grandparents going to their house. Both of those were turned down because what their kids wants is to "wake up with their cousins".

[Anonymous]

Is this Multiple Sclerosis?

My mother has had MS nearly all her adult life. After relapses, she used to be particularly tired (but thankfully hasn't had one in years). However she would never want to disinvite her family for Christmas - it's just for 24hrs, is that correct, or for a longer visit? A long visit would not be in the cards after a relapse, but 24, she would come down for an hour on Christmas morning, then go back up in her room.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, OP. It's not easy being a partner of a permanently disabled person, it's actually damn difficult! Plus you're at your ILs for the foreseeable future and your SIL is annoying.

But I think an overnight and Christmas morning in the same house, but not necessarily together, might be beneficial - your SIL might see how handicapped her brother actually is, and understand a little better. My mother had an awful time with her sisters during the first years, when she had no firm diagnosis, because she was accused by her sisters of malingering and depending on my father's support... it was a really bad period in her life.

Best of luck to you and your husband going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

Hello, there’s a pandemic right now. This is an exceptional situation.

Everybody is vaccinated except the baby. The vaccine prevents severe illness and OP already said DH’s illness doesn’t increase his risk for Covid. It’s up the the grandparents to decide their risk tolerance. Covid isn’t going away and all but the youngest children can now get vaccinated if they choose. Life must go on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

+1 it also seems like the grandparents may be feeling to pressured to defer to your family’s needs, when they would otherwise like to have more time with the grandchildren that they don’t see on a daily basis. This seems to be a common dynamic when one family lives with the grandparents or relies on them for regular childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this Multiple Sclerosis?

My mother has had MS nearly all her adult life. After relapses, she used to be particularly tired (but thankfully hasn't had one in years). However she would never want to disinvite her family for Christmas - it's just for 24hrs, is that correct, or for a longer visit? A long visit would not be in the cards after a relapse, but 24, she would come down for an hour on Christmas morning, then go back up in her room.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, OP. It's not easy being a partner of a permanently disabled person, it's actually damn difficult! Plus you're at your ILs for the foreseeable future and your SIL is annoying.

But I think an overnight and Christmas morning in the same house, but not necessarily together, might be beneficial - your SIL might see how handicapped her brother actually is, and understand a little better. My mother had an awful time with her sisters during the first years, when she had no firm diagnosis, because she was accused by her sisters of malingering and depending on my father's support... it was a really bad period in her life.

Best of luck to you and your husband going forward.

It isn't MS.

If you were 10, and your mom said she was going to spend Christmas in her room, other than an hour, and not be there when you opened your presents, or for meals, or for other traditions, would you really have not felt hurt by that? I'm having trouble feeling like that's a fair solution to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

[Anonymous]

I think your original plan sounds the best and it seems like what the majority agreed to and is still OK with, assuming the other siblings were on board too.

Ultimately, you can't control what others do and only yourself. I would stand firm on the original plan, politely, but make a back up hotel or airbnb plan for you, DH and the kids.

I would put your family, DH and kids, first in this situation.

[Anonymous]

I think that you are trying to be too controlling. First, it’s unclear what the ‘COVID reasons’ are for you moving into your IL’s for two years. There may be some family questions and resentments there. Plenty of people are disabled but don’t move in with parents, particularly with a spouse and kids.

I think the only appropriate thing to do here is to have DH suck it up and stay in his room, and you chill regarding masks and the kids as they will all be vaccinated. It’s not your house even if you are living there on what sounds like a permanent basis. I see the frustration of your DH’s siblings. Basically, they don’t get to have their traditions reinstated because you all have moved in. I think it’s up to you to make it work for everyone, even if your DH has to stay in his room for a bit, after all you are living there for presumably, free or at least in exchange of child care or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is a permanent disability situation, will this be an issue every Christmas? Or is it just this Christmas? Do you know what your DH or kids want to do?

Hello, there’s a pandemic right now. This is an exceptional situation.

Everybody is vaccinated except the baby. The vaccine prevents severe illness and OP already said DH’s illness doesn’t increase his risk for Covid. It’s up the the grandparents to decide their risk tolerance. Covid isn’t going away and all but the youngest children can now get vaccinated if they choose. Life must go on.

Life must go on does not mean people have to spend the night in the same bedroom together. We are in the middle of a surge. And it is attitude like yours that are going to make the surge worse for us. I just hope it’s people like you who wind up in the hospital rather than my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not once has OP said what the grandparents want to do. It's their house, OP, what do THEY want to do?

I've said multiple times that they originally liked the plan, but are now concerned that their child is upset, and hope to find a solution that pleases everyone.

But who suggested the original plan and how do you know they weren’t initially just trying to please you?

DH's oldest sibling suggested that they host, and we laid out that plan. She then invited both families to spend the night there, since they have more space, and I declined saying we'd rather stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that you are trying to be too controlling. First, it’s unclear what the ‘COVID reasons’ are for you moving into your IL’s for two years. There may be some family questions and resentments there. Plenty of people are disabled but don’t move in with parents, particularly with a spouse and kids.

I think the only appropriate thing to do here is to have DH suck it up and stay in his room, and you chill regarding masks and the kids as they will all be vaccinated. It’s not your house even if you are living there on what sounds like a permanent basis. I see the frustration of your DH’s siblings. Basically, they don’t get to have their traditions reinstated because you all have moved in. I think it’s up to you to make it work for everyone, even if your DH has to stay in his room for a bit, after all you are living there for presumably, free or at least in exchange of child care or something.

This plan involves the original poster and her kids. She does get to control who her kids sleep with during a pandemic. She’s even suggested that she would be willing to move her family out of the house. I don’t think the hotel is a good idea though because I think that’s even more of a Covid risk. And it might be really hard to find an Airbnb this late. They should just stick to the other plan. The in-laws are being jerks.

[Anonymous]

Sorry about what your husband is going through. Honestly, I get both your sides. It's tradition for your sil's family but obviously with your DH's health, important to factor that too. Your original plan sounds like it would have been a nice compromise. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP it’s time to make plans to move out of your DH’s parents’ house. There is no decision here that will satisfy everybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this Multiple Sclerosis?

My mother has had MS nearly all her adult life. After relapses, she used to be particularly tired (but thankfully hasn't had one in years). However she would never want to disinvite her family for Christmas - it's just for 24hrs, is that correct, or for a longer visit? A long visit would not be in the cards after a relapse, but 24, she would come down for an hour on Christmas morning, then go back up in her room.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, OP. It's not easy being a partner of a permanently disabled person, it's actually damn difficult! Plus you're at your ILs for the foreseeable future and your SIL is annoying.

But I think an overnight and Christmas morning in the same house, but not necessarily together, might be beneficial - your SIL might see how handicapped her brother actually is, and understand a little better. My mother had an awful time with her sisters during the first years, when she had no firm diagnosis, because she was accused by her sisters of malingering and depending on my father's support... it was a really bad period in her life.

Best of luck to you and your husband going forward.

It isn't MS.

If you were 10, and your mom said she was going to spend Christmas in her room, other than an hour, and not be there when you opened your presents, or for meals, or for other traditions, would you really have not felt hurt by that? I'm having trouble feeling like that's a fair solution to my kids.

PP you replied to. Well, at 10 I was just glad she was alive Of course I would not have minded at all that she spent most of the Holiday in her room! I was always very aware of her state of health. I would have gone in there and quietly read a book next to her. But I was thinking that your husband could come down to watch your kids open presents. It doesn't need to be done when others are opening theirs. Just whenever he's ready, he comes down and your kids open their presents, and you and DH make all the right noises, and then he goes back up. And if your children are the quiet sort, like I was, then they can keep him company for a bit. If somebody else wants to make a big production out of everyone opening their presents at once, you smile and tell them that your husband feels well now but won't later and he wants to see his children open presents now. And you walk away. There is a trick to explaining just enough but not getting sucked into defensive mode.