When one sibling lives in parents' house

[Anonymous]

Yes, but there needs to be some clear boundaries established and the granparents need to lead that conversation.
"SIL, now that Larlo and his family live here and are helping us out, visits will be a bit different going forward because we need to take their famlies needs into account" "We will do our best to visit you as much as possible and establish new traditions and routines that work for everyone"

[Anonymous]

Why can't the grandparents stay at SIL's house and have the sleepover there? Your kids can hang out there until it's late and then sleep at your own house. Then they can have the grandparents in the AM to themselves and your family of four can have a quiet Christmas morning. Then the whole family gathers later.

Your sick husband should not have to sleep in a hotel on Christmas because your SIL is an entitled brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think any of this has to do with this stupid slumber party.
I think the SIL is a bit jealous of the time OPs kids are getting with the grandparents and she is wanting the same for her kids.
She likely does NOT like OP and her DH living with the inlaws (for whatever reason, thinking they will get the house, better bonding, manipulating them somehow, who knows) and She is trying desperately to hang on to control in any way she can. In this case it is with this dumb sleepover. OP doesn't want it so SIL really does.
Just let her have it but leave and take your family with you.
Grandparents, DH and SIL need to have a heart to heart about boundaries and you, DH and grandparents need to establish some expectations with you living there. Start paying rent and get a fair say or find somewhere new.

We do pay rent, I said that earlier in the thread. We also contribute a lot to the household in other ways, including doing things that my in laws would otherwise have to pay for.

If I leave, then my in laws won't have any grandchildren here for Christmas, because she's said she won't come if my kids aren't here. So, "letting her have it" just hurts the grandparents who own the house and have been good to us. Plus, they were pretty clear last night that they like the original plan.

I do think that you are right that she has some weird jealousy. Her kids see their grandparents a couple times a week. Grandparents go up there to babysit. The older kids come here for the day. The whole family comes to spend the weekend afternoon or we meet at a third siblings. When DH has been very sick, visits sometimes have happened elsewhere, but they always happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't the grandparents stay at SIL's house and have the sleepover there? Your kids can hang out there until it's late and then sleep at your own house. Then they can have the grandparents in the AM to themselves and your family of four can have a quiet Christmas morning. Then the whole family gathers later.

Your sick husband should not have to sleep in a hotel on Christmas because your SIL is an entitled brat.

Lol. That option was suggested but rejected by the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to move out of your in-law's house. A DIL should not be providing elder care IMO. It will only cause resentment from all sides.

Why?

This makes zero sense if a daughter or son will not step up. I did all the care for my MIL. My husband is very good to me. Why wouldn't I help him care for his mom when I had the time and flexibility and he didn't?

Sure, if the siblings won't step up. I'm speaking of families where the kids/parents are supportive and local. Since DIL lives in the house, does she start taking MIL to the doctor? Is she the keeper/relayer of medical information then? I've witnessed this. The bio kids are pushed out. This Christmas thing notwithstanding, but OP is already making decisions about what happens in IL's own house. What happens if the husband passes and the kids move out? Is she living in the house with the ILs?

This is all fine as a temporary measure while her husband is sick and they are figuring things out, but I would make a plan for the future.

I think the reaction all depends on the adult children and their actual willingness to help. I saw this with own MIL's illness. My husband is one of 5, and the wife of one of his brothers stepped up in a major way. The parents in law really appreciated it. My husband was incredibly grateful. (I was kind of in awe on how SIL is able to seemlessly figure out what was needed and do it). Another SIL and BIL thought it was good and tried to help where they could. One brother and his wife were upset. But did they step up their own actions, particularly the son/brother? No they did not. Where the adult children are really willing to roll up their sleeves, I am skeptical there would be disconnect or tension with an in-law who is helping or even leading the helping. It's when one person steps up but the others don't really know how to, want to, feel guilty not doing it, that they get upset.

This SIL did not visit her brother once in a 2-month hospital visit. What makes anyone think she's going to step up and actually manage elder care?

[Anonymous]

OP, 17 pages in and seemingly no one has come up with the magical solution you are looking for, so you'll need to choose from the alternatives you've already presented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't the grandparents stay at SIL's house and have the sleepover there? Your kids can hang out there until it's late and then sleep at your own house. Then they can have the grandparents in the AM to themselves and your family of four can have a quiet Christmas morning. Then the whole family gathers later.

Your sick husband should not have to sleep in a hotel on Christmas because your SIL is an entitled brat.

Lol. That option was suggested but rejected by the OP.

I suggested it to my SIL. She rejected it. I wrote in the OP that I suggested it to my SIL and she rejected it. I also suggested the hotel. I am fine with going to a hotel. I'm not fine with what was suggested here which is going to a hotel and leaving my kids behind.

At this point, FIL has said that he isn't comfortable with an overnight visit due to covid. I am not sure if that's true, or if they're hurt that their daughter won't invite them to her house, and are using covid as an excuse. So while this seemed like an option when I suggested it, it's no longer an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, 17 pages in and seemingly no one has come up with the magical solution you are looking for, so you'll need to choose from the alternatives you've already presented.

Which is why I posted many pages back that we stuck with the original plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to move out of your in-law's house. A DIL should not be providing elder care IMO. It will only cause resentment from all sides.

Why?

This makes zero sense if a daughter or son will not step up. I did all the care for my MIL. My husband is very good to me. Why wouldn't I help him care for his mom when I had the time and flexibility and he didn't?

Sure, if the siblings won't step up. I'm speaking of families where the kids/parents are supportive and local. Since DIL lives in the house, does she start taking MIL to the doctor? Is she the keeper/relayer of medical information then? I've witnessed this. The bio kids are pushed out. This Christmas thing notwithstanding, but OP is already making decisions about what happens in IL's own house. What happens if the husband passes and the kids move out? Is she living in the house with the ILs?

This is all fine as a temporary measure while her husband is sick and they are figuring things out, but I would make a plan for the future.

I think the reaction all depends on the adult children and their actual willingness to help. I saw this with own MIL's illness. My husband is one of 5, and the wife of one of his brothers stepped up in a major way. The parents in law really appreciated it. My husband was incredibly grateful. (I was kind of in awe on how SIL is able to seemlessly figure out what was needed and do it). Another SIL and BIL thought it was good and tried to help where they could. One brother and his wife were upset. But did they step up their own actions, particularly the son/brother? No they did not. Where the adult children are really willing to roll up their sleeves, I am skeptical there would be disconnect or tension with an in-law who is helping or even leading the helping. It's when one person steps up but the others don't really know how to, want to, feel guilty not doing it, that they get upset.

This SIL did not visit her brother once in a 2-month hospital visit. What makes anyone think she's going to step up and actually manage elder care?

So, clearly there are some things I disagree with my SIL about. But I think her reason for not visiting, a nursing infant that she couldn't bring into the hospital, and a pandemic that posed a threat to the infant, is very valid. I do wish she'd realize that those of us who visited, and now live with her brother have more information about his care, but I don't fault her for not visiting. Plus with covid we were limited on the number of visitors that could go.

My husband's other two siblings and their spouses are also big sources of help. Those patterns were set up when SIL lived across the country, and while she hasn't volunteered to take anything on, it's also hard to come into a established system, especially when you're also adjusting your kids to a new city, and have a new baby. I get that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't the grandparents stay at SIL's house and have the sleepover there? Your kids can hang out there until it's late and then sleep at your own house. Then they can have the grandparents in the AM to themselves and your family of four can have a quiet Christmas morning. Then the whole family gathers later.

Your sick husband should not have to sleep in a hotel on Christmas because your SIL is an entitled brat.

It has been answered grandparents don’t want to do that and SIL doesn’t either.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you are hurt and angry about your situation and are taking it out on SIL. You have a loss of control, and so the only thing you can control is this plan. But, that's not going to ultimately help you. If I were you, I would get off this thread and focus on feeling your feelings. Try to have some light at Christmas, while your DH is home, instead of focusing on fear and control. You are exhausting yourself and everyone else. Take good care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think any of this has to do with this stupid slumber party.
I think the SIL is a bit jealous of the time OPs kids are getting with the grandparents and she is wanting the same for her kids.
She likely does NOT like OP and her DH living with the inlaws (for whatever reason, thinking they will get the house, better bonding, manipulating them somehow, who knows) and She is trying desperately to hang on to control in any way she can. In this case it is with this dumb sleepover. OP doesn't want it so SIL really does.
Just let her have it but leave and take your family with you.
Grandparents, DH and SIL need to have a heart to heart about boundaries and you, DH and grandparents need to establish some expectations with you living there. Start paying rent and get a fair say or find somewhere new.

We do pay rent, I said that earlier in the thread. We also contribute a lot to the household in other ways, including doing things that my in laws would otherwise have to pay for.

If I leave, then my in laws won't have any grandchildren here for Christmas, because she's said she won't come if my kids aren't here. So, "letting her have it" just hurts the grandparents who own the house and have been good to us. Plus, they were pretty clear last night that they like the original plan.

I do think that you are right that she has some weird jealousy. Her kids see their grandparents a couple times a week. Grandparents go up there to babysit. The older kids come here for the day. The whole family comes to spend the weekend afternoon or we meet at a third siblings. When DH has been very sick, visits sometimes have happened elsewhere, but they always happen.

Why would they be jealous?
Nobody wants to live with in laws. They are not jealous.
Your DH has poor health..again not jealous.

Maybe you are jealous they live like independent adults.
If you are there to help in laws, why do you pay rent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think any of this has to do with this stupid slumber party.
I think the SIL is a bit jealous of the time OPs kids are getting with the grandparents and she is wanting the same for her kids.
She likely does NOT like OP and her DH living with the inlaws (for whatever reason, thinking they will get the house, better bonding, manipulating them somehow, who knows) and She is trying desperately to hang on to control in any way she can. In this case it is with this dumb sleepover. OP doesn't want it so SIL really does.
Just let her have it but leave and take your family with you.
Grandparents, DH and SIL need to have a heart to heart about boundaries and you, DH and grandparents need to establish some expectations with you living there. Start paying rent and get a fair say or find somewhere new.

We do pay rent, I said that earlier in the thread. We also contribute a lot to the household in other ways, including doing things that my in laws would otherwise have to pay for.

If I leave, then my in laws won't have any grandchildren here for Christmas, because she's said she won't come if my kids aren't here. So, "letting her have it" just hurts the grandparents who own the house and have been good to us. Plus, they were pretty clear last night that they like the original plan.

I do think that you are right that she has some weird jealousy. Her kids see their grandparents a couple times a week. Grandparents go up there to babysit. The older kids come here for the day. The whole family comes to spend the weekend afternoon or we meet at a third siblings. When DH has been very sick, visits sometimes have happened elsewhere, but they always happen.

Why would they be jealous?
Nobody wants to live with in laws. They are not jealous.
Your DH has poor health..again not jealous.

Maybe you are jealous they live like independent adults.
If you are there to help in laws, why do you pay rent?

It doesn't make sense to me that she's jealous, but she acts like she's jealous. I don't think she actually wants to live in my in laws house, but I think that the fact that my kids see her parents more than hers do makes her feel like my kids are more loved. I think there's an element of wanting her parents to prove they love her kids just as much by doing this.

And yes, I think some of why this bothers me so much is that I'm a little jealous. Of course I'd love to wake up in my own home with a healthy spouse who is an active partner and parent and earns a good living, and my healthy kids on Christmas morning, and then go have a nice visit with grandparents and other family later in the day. That sounds really nice to me about right now. So, while I understand that it's not exactly what she wants, I don't really understand why it's not good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think any of this has to do with this stupid slumber party.
I think the SIL is a bit jealous of the time OPs kids are getting with the grandparents and she is wanting the same for her kids.
She likely does NOT like OP and her DH living with the inlaws (for whatever reason, thinking they will get the house, better bonding, manipulating them somehow, who knows) and She is trying desperately to hang on to control in any way she can. In this case it is with this dumb sleepover. OP doesn't want it so SIL really does.
Just let her have it but leave and take your family with you.
Grandparents, DH and SIL need to have a heart to heart about boundaries and you, DH and grandparents need to establish some expectations with you living there. Start paying rent and get a fair say or find somewhere new.

We do pay rent, I said that earlier in the thread. We also contribute a lot to the household in other ways, including doing things that my in laws would otherwise have to pay for.

If I leave, then my in laws won't have any grandchildren here for Christmas, because she's said she won't come if my kids aren't here. So, "letting her have it" just hurts the grandparents who own the house and have been good to us. Plus, they were pretty clear last night that they like the original plan.

I do think that you are right that she has some weird jealousy. Her kids see their grandparents a couple times a week. Grandparents go up there to babysit. The older kids come here for the day. The whole family comes to spend the weekend afternoon or we meet at a third siblings. When DH has been very sick, visits sometimes have happened elsewhere, but they always happen.

Why would they be jealous?
Nobody wants to live with in laws. They are not jealous.
Your DH has poor health..again not jealous.

Maybe you are jealous they live like independent adults.
If you are there to help in laws, why do you pay rent?

It doesn't make sense to me that she's jealous, but she acts like she's jealous. I don't think she actually wants to live in my in laws house, but I think that the fact that my kids see her parents more than hers do makes her feel like my kids are more loved. I think there's an element of wanting her parents to prove they love her kids just as much by doing this.

And yes, I think some of why this bothers me so much is that I'm a little jealous. Of course I'd love to wake up in my own home with a healthy spouse who is an active partner and parent and earns a good living, and my healthy kids on Christmas morning, and then go have a nice visit with grandparents and other family later in the day. That sounds really nice to me about right now. So, while I understand that it's not exactly what she wants, I don't really understand why it's not good enough.

OP you answered your question in your first paragraph. Can you have some compassion for her? You could reach out to her and talk to her - about each of your fears, and bond over it - yet you're spending time here instead. What are your priorities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't the grandparents stay at SIL's house and have the sleepover there? Your kids can hang out there until it's late and then sleep at your own house. Then they can have the grandparents in the AM to themselves and your family of four can have a quiet Christmas morning. Then the whole family gathers later.

Your sick husband should not have to sleep in a hotel on Christmas because your SIL is an entitled brat.

Lol. That option was suggested but rejected by the OP.

I suggested it to my SIL. She rejected it. I wrote in the OP that I suggested it to my SIL and she rejected it. I also suggested the hotel. I am fine with going to a hotel. I'm not fine with what was suggested here which is going to a hotel and leaving my kids behind.

At this point, FIL has said that he isn't comfortable with an overnight visit due to covid. I am not sure if that's true, or if they're hurt that their daughter won't invite them to her house, and are using covid as an excuse. So while this seemed like an option when I suggested it, it's no longer an option.

SIL wants the overnight visit with all the kids together as per tradition however that is only to happen at the grandparents house. It can't happen at anyone else's house. Suggestions of at SIL's house has been shot down by SIL. FIL originally said for you to find a solution, now he is saying he also doesn't want the overnight visit. Apparently though they haven't been invited to SIL's house although I thought this was given as an option and shot down by SIL unless that's another daughter.

So 17 pages in and if you don't want the overnight visit, your in-laws don't want the overnight visit and everyone is happy with the original plan, what is the problem. Just tell SIL which I thought a few pages back your FIL did that no one else wants the kids sleeping over together. Done.

What are you still talking about, your SIL won't have the sleep over at her house and you and your in-laws won't have it at the grandparents house. This has to be the best troll thread ever, 17 pages of nitpicking to fire everyone up. No one can be this stupid, if no one is willing to have it in their house, its not going to happen. This is why the other childless adults have jumped ship and are going to their in-laws, they saw this stupidity a mile back and ran.

Honestly if your grandparents aren't happy with the sleepover where is the problem? Just tell SIL due to Covid it's not happening, maybe next year.