"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

OP, look in the mirror and see what an asshole looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, look in the mirror and see what an asshole looks like.

twat waffle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, look in the mirror and see what an asshole looks like.

That's unfair to OP. Yes, she made a bad decision, but it is a pretty common one and is one that many are encouraged or pressured to make, as she was. It's pretty easy to have a rosy view that things will improve in a marriage over time; it is only with bitter experience that one learns that things generally only get worse. Now both she and her DH are confronted by an array of bad alternatives, and both of them deserve sympathy. And if I had to guess, I would say that her DH has himself contributed to this dynamic; things are seldom a one-way street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy.

I have tried therapy in the past for a different issue and it never worked. I wanted actual advice but all I got was "what makes you think that?" "Why do you feel that way?" Etc. etc. which made me want to scream out of frustration.

Because you have to work through your issues! Answer the hard questions, do the work. Otherwise I predict you will have similar issues if you ever date/remarry. This is your issue, not your husbands. Don't break up your family until you've tried everything.

She doesn't have any issues. She married a man that she has no chemistry with. This is unfixable. The only way she can figure out how to tolerate is to close her eyes and have a good imagination.

her issues is that she thinks that, at age 40 and with 2 kids, she is entitled to a passionate relationship in addition to everything else.

She is entitled to passion. I'm 37 with 2 kids and have a lot of passion for my husband and enjoy a healthy sex life. However, she should have married someone else if she wanted that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And please stop saying therapy. That will not help. If we go to couples counseling and all of this comes out, I do not see how that will improve the situation. It will just crush him and end our marriage.

You have no respect for your DH at all -- "it will just crush him". How do you know? Again, why go you only have real conversations with your friends and MOTHER yet not your DH? Maybe he would like to tell YOU some things you don't want to hear.

Oh really? How would you feel to be told that your husband doesn't find you attractive at all, thinks you're bad in bed, and gets a skin crawly feeling when you have sex?

Jesus Christ, why did you marry him then?????????????

Exactly, and forget marrying him... why did you have TWO kids with him? You owe it to them to try REALLY REALLY hard before you give up on the marriage. Find a different therapist for yourself. Talk to your husband without telling him mean shit like what you wrote above. Stop fixating on the negative and focus on the positive. If you want something different in bed, suggest it and make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy.

I have tried therapy in the past for a different issue and it never worked. I wanted actual advice but all I got was "what makes you think that?" "Why do you feel that way?" Etc. etc. which made me want to scream out of frustration.

Because you have to work through your issues! Answer the hard questions, do the work. Otherwise I predict you will have similar issues if you ever date/remarry. This is your issue, not your husbands. Don't break up your family until you've tried everything.

She doesn't have any issues. She married a man that she has no chemistry with. This is unfixable. The only way she can figure out how to tolerate is to close her eyes and have a good imagination.

her issues is that she thinks that, at age 40 and with 2 kids, she is entitled to a passionate relationship in addition to everything else.

She is entitled to passion. I'm 37 with 2 kids and have a lot of passion for my husband and enjoy a healthy sex life. However, she should have married someone else if she wanted that.

She is not entitled to anything, having a husband at all let alone a "perfect" one. Sex life is hardly a proof she is supposed to have the same - me having a phd doesn't mean others are entitled to one also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy.

I have tried therapy in the past for a different issue and it never worked. I wanted actual advice but all I got was "what makes you think that?" "Why do you feel that way?" Etc. etc. which made me want to scream out of frustration.

Because you have to work through your issues! Answer the hard questions, do the work. Otherwise I predict you will have similar issues if you ever date/remarry. This is your issue, not your husbands. Don't break up your family until you've tried everything.

She doesn't have any issues. She married a man that she has no chemistry with. This is unfixable. The only way she can figure out how to tolerate is to close her eyes and have a good imagination.

her issues is that she thinks that, at age 40 and with 2 kids, she is entitled to a passionate relationship in addition to everything else.

She is entitled to passion. I'm 37 with 2 kids and have a lot of passion for my husband and enjoy a healthy sex life. However, she should have married someone else if she wanted that.

What? She was entitled to passion when she was 33. Then she made the CHOICE to marry someone she had no passion for, STAY with him for 6 years, and have two children. There are three other people affected by her decisions now, so she's not entitled to anything unless she considers them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm having trouble believing you are 39. You sound like you are 19. Don't you have any single female friends? What do they tell you about the dating scene in DC? It's not a picnic, let me tell you. More women than men.

That's awesome, you can snag a 19-21 year old hottie right out of college working in the OR. CONGRATS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy.

I have tried therapy in the past for a different issue and it never worked. I wanted actual advice but all I got was "what makes you think that?" "Why do you feel that way?" Etc. etc. which made me want to scream out of frustration.

Because you have to work through your issues! Answer the hard questions, do the work. Otherwise I predict you will have similar issues if you ever date/remarry. This is your issue, not your husbands. Don't break up your family until you've tried everything.

She doesn't have any issues. She married a man that she has no chemistry with. This is unfixable. The only way she can figure out how to tolerate is to close her eyes and have a good imagination.

her issues is that she thinks that, at age 40 and with 2 kids, she is entitled to a passionate relationship in addition to everything else.

She is entitled to passion. I'm 37 with 2 kids and have a lot of passion for my husband and enjoy a healthy sex life. However, she should have married someone else if she wanted that.

She is not entitled to anything, having a husband at all let alone a "perfect" one. Sex life is hardly a proof she is supposed to have the same - me having a phd doesn't mean others are entitled to one also.

For someone with a PHD...well, um yeah. Whatever you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy.

I have tried therapy in the past for a different issue and it never worked. I wanted actual advice but all I got was "what makes you think that?" "Why do you feel that way?" Etc. etc. which made me want to scream out of frustration.

Because you have to work through your issues! Answer the hard questions, do the work. Otherwise I predict you will have similar issues if you ever date/remarry. This is your issue, not your husbands. Don't break up your family until you've tried everything.

She doesn't have any issues. She married a man that she has no chemistry with. This is unfixable. The only way she can figure out how to tolerate is to close her eyes and have a good imagination.

her issues is that she thinks that, at age 40 and with 2 kids, she is entitled to a passionate relationship in addition to everything else.

She is entitled to passion. I'm 37 with 2 kids and have a lot of passion for my husband and enjoy a healthy sex life. However, she should have married someone else if she wanted that.

What? She was entitled to passion when she was 33. Then she made the CHOICE to marry someone she had no passion for, STAY with him for 6 years, and have two children. There are three other people affected by her decisions now, so she's not entitled to anything unless she considers them too.

She was not entitled to passion at 33 either. Entitlement is a false sense that you are somehow due to get certain things from life. But in fact nothing in life is guaranteed, not health, not happiness, certainly not passion in marriage or even at the beginning of a relationship. some people get some things and others get other things from life, it's that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And please stop saying therapy. That will not help. If we go to couples counseling and all of this comes out, I do not see how that will improve the situation. It will just crush him and end our marriage.

DH here: that's a possible outcome, and there is no avoiding it given your current reality. If I were him, though, I would want to know the truth of our marriage, even if it was painful to hear. And who knows, maybe it will be liberating for him. Based on how you describe things, I'd guess that he is likely quite unhappy with the current state of affairs already, and wondering desperately what he can do to make himself more attractive to you. If the answer really is "nothing," it might be a relief to finally have that out in the open.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm In a similar boat OP. I have a GREAT husband. There would be a line of women waiting for him if we divorced. He'd be remarried in a hot minute.

As my children has gotten older, it has become apparent to me that I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. There are some facts here that you and I need to face:

1. We made a poor choice. We cannot just take someone's heart and crush it. These are GOOD people who didn't do anything to deserve the kind of blow it would be if they knew the truth.

2. WE have children now that love their father. It would be criminal to force him to be a weekend parent, because that is exactly what would happen if we divorced. We'd both get the most custody due to their work situations. My kids would be devastated if they could not see their dad every day. I won't do that to him or my kids.

3. We are given one life. WE blew it in the marriage department. The ship has sailed and we should have done a better job up front. Thems the breaks. We have to find other things that light our fire because it's not going to be our spouses. Could be worse, we could be women in an Islamic country. That would be true misery.

4. You will need to do mental gymnastics to have sex with him. You will have to turn out the lights and turn on your imagination. You will need to tell him what you want in bed (though that probably won't help too much since our problem is chemistry).

Basically, suck it up buttercup. I've been doing this for 20 years with this guy. It gets better and his sex drive will start to diminish and hopefully he won't want to try Viagra.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need therapy.

I have tried therapy in the past for a different issue and it never worked. I wanted actual advice but all I got was "what makes you think that?" "Why do you feel that way?" Etc. etc. which made me want to scream out of frustration.

Because you have to work through your issues! Answer the hard questions, do the work. Otherwise I predict you will have similar issues if you ever date/remarry. This is your issue, not your husbands. Don't break up your family until you've tried everything.

She doesn't have any issues. She married a man that she has no chemistry with. This is unfixable. The only way she can figure out how to tolerate is to close her eyes and have a good imagination.

her issues is that she thinks that, at age 40 and with 2 kids, she is entitled to a passionate relationship in addition to everything else.

She is entitled to passion. I'm 37 with 2 kids and have a lot of passion for my husband and enjoy a healthy sex life. However, she should have married someone else if she wanted that.

What? She was entitled to passion when she was 33. Then she made the CHOICE to marry someone she had no passion for, STAY with him for 6 years, and have two children. There are three other people affected by her decisions now, so she's not entitled to anything unless she considers them too.

The DH might prefer to be free if he knew the truth. The kids I'm not sure. They might not want to grow up with an unhappy mom and parents faking a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

the idea to join dating site to get a sense of what is out there sounds good to me.

i have a friend who is mid-forties, a widower. she is thin and great looking, gets tons of interest. she logged into her okc account when we were together and i looked through many of the profiles.

it's an absolute disaster out there. many men are outright short and ugly, clearly leftovers whom nobody wanted. then there are attractive, even very attractive guys who are obviously total disasters. some are clearly losers, with substance abuse problem,s still don't know what they want from life... others are arrogant, empty, looking for casual sex only etc etc. she has been there for 2 years and hasn't found anyone worth keeping despite dozens of dates, hundreds if not thousands of messages and being pretty flexible in terms of expectations (i.e. doesn't expect guy to be rich or even have a job).

my own husband looked like a zillion dollar in comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is ridiculous. Get divorced and find someone you love. Don't take your mom's advice twice - she was wrong the first time. You never should have married him.

What if she does not find anyone?

Hopefully her ex-husband does.

OP- your post really made me angry. If its accurate and not a troll- he deserves so much better than you.