How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I clearly communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can’t keep saying “we have no idea”? Been NC with them for almost 2 years now, they still act so confused, even though a calm 5-page letter was written and sent to them explaining why I am deeply hurt, only to be met with a one sentence reply of “well, you must hate us” and nothing else?! I would’ve felt a little better if they wrote back a longer sentence, a 2-page reply might just make me feel I matter again.
They are delightful when there is no conflict, but as soon as a tiniest conflict occurs, they shut down. All those years I felt like they only want to engage with me when I happy and jolly, they would say the sweetest things on earth like “Oh, we just love you so much”, but as soon as I express any negative emotion, they become unrecognizable. If my negative emotion is not directly related to them (for example, job has been stressful) they would ignore it, walk away, or carry on cheerful conversations as if I am invisible; if the negative emotion is related to them (for example, yesterday at xxx’s house, you said this about me and hurt my feelings), then all hell breaks loose – they would immediately end the conversation by declaring “I don’t know what you are talking about”, or “I don’t know why you are saying this”, or “I can’t do this right now”. They would at times, usher me to the door and say, “well, did you get your bag, ok, bye”. – now remember just 2 minutes ago they were “oh, we are so happy you came visit, we miss you every day”. How can one change their face so quickly? I am bewildered.
There seems to be a misconception that adult children who chose NC with their parents are ungrateful, to me it couldn’t be more wrong. I love them so much, despite their flaws, I would take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves, I read about their generation and understand that they did not get emotional support growing up, not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference.
Anyway, has anyone successfully communicated the reason of estrangement with their parents before so there is no excuse of them saying they “have no idea”?

You'll have to give us some idea of your issues with them, because not everyone is willing to just assume this has enough validity. You can understand why- this is such an epidemic and it looks very generational. To that end, you're parents seem honest- what is it you want ftom them? A public flaggelation, a letter of remorse, walked through the town with a sign?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

Unless they molested you, or physically abused you in unspeakable ways, basically something incontestable, they may disagree with you.

If you care for that relationship you can’t keep bringing up your hurt every time you communicate with them. It’s exhausting for them too.

Just because you feel a certain way, doesn’t mean that it’s true. You are essentially at a standstill. They see it in a way which you do not see it in, and vice versa.

‘You made me feel insecure when you corrected my choices.’ could have a reply of ‘you were heading off a bridge at this and that occasion and you were not taking any hints. We had to do what we had to do to stop you. We got worn out from redirecting you kindly and we just had to put a stop at the nonsense. Now we just remember that we put so much effort into you, and you seem ungrateful. You must not love us.’

I’m saying this with a lot of care for you OP, not to attack you, but to give you a different perspective.

Yeah, this. Too much emotional fragility that should be gone by the time someone is an adult. OP- where's your accountability?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A five page letter of grievances sounds excessive, to be honest. Maybe they abused you, but it sounds more like you are a bit of a delicate flower.

5 pages was sent because I thought if they kept saying they "have no idea" or "well, you must hate us", maybe they deserved to know, so let me open up and explain to them calmly why I felt so unimportant. It was written with great care, with lots of loving expressions. A letter I thought for sure would "clear any misunderstanding", and lead to greater relationship. No, the letter was not sent to lash out, or for revenge, or attention, it was meant for reconciliation. I also thought for sure they would get it this time, because I meant 100% well. Well, I was wrong. So stupid.

5 pages means you just need to learn how to grow up. I mean, that might be where your parents screwed up. You are immature and you can have reconciliation wherever you want..what the hell are they supposed to do. Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

OP do you want a benefit in exchange for sending them 5 pages?
Just drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Therapy to assist w going no contact or letting go.

[Anonymous]

Who cares? They aren't going to listen. It's not going to click for them. Just continue on your merry way without them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

Unless they molested you, or physically abused you in unspeakable ways, basically something incontestable, they may disagree with you.

If you care for that relationship you can’t keep bringing up your hurt every time you communicate with them. It’s exhausting for them too.

Just because you feel a certain way, doesn’t mean that it’s true. You are essentially at a standstill. They see it in a way which you do not see it in, and vice versa.

‘You made me feel insecure when you corrected my choices.’ could have a reply of ‘you were heading off a bridge at this and that occasion and you were not taking any hints. We had to do what we had to do to stop you. We got worn out from redirecting you kindly and we just had to put a stop at the nonsense. Now we just remember that we put so much effort into you, and you seem ungrateful. You must not love us.’

I’m saying this with a lot of care for you OP, not to attack you, but to give you a different perspective.

A lot of parents who did all those still think they are great parents and don't understand why their child would go NC. Some people just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are never, ever going to get them to see the light. You are wasting huge amounts of your emotional bandwidth trying to get them to change. THEY WILL NOT CHANGE. You need to actually be no contact and not care what they think.

All of this.

Lol, without even knowing any of the issues, here you are with the NO CONTACT torch. This says it all. This is a problem.

You know, I've been wondering why, particularly now, when everything is at stake here and around the world- so much injustice, the loss of democracy, racial and xenophobic crises, misogyny- here you younger females are focusing on yourselves and issues you have with your parents. What happened? Because, ( and I'm sure there are exceptions....yes) for the most part you are not out there protecting, helping immigrants, low income families, immigrants , or even fighting for abortion rights. Do you not see what is happening! You're all still whining about your childhoods. You guys were the prototypes for the child centered family! You got the trophies, the prizes, the catering to. If you were abused, there were laws. In fact, the whole generation was overprotected.
It was your mother's generation that fought for peace, that fought for racial equality, that fought for womens' rights that you are enjoying today.

There's more work to be done, but all I generally see now are only older women still fighting for the stuff we are losing now and for the stuff we still need to have.

OP- your parents weren't abusive. It's clear here by what you are saying and not saying. We ALL do not have time for this whiny nonsense - there is work to be done today. If you can sit down and write a 5 page letter, may I suggest some other worthwhile activities at this time. Before you know it, your parents will be gone, and you will be left with your 5 page diatribe and a country that has gone to $#!t. There's better use of your time.
**And your parents deserve more than this.

**A side note- you better get it together because health care us going down the tubes- lack of H1B visas will halve our medical personnel starting now, immigrants who comprise all elder care will be gone. Insurance will be unobtainable. You can discuss your life long grievances while bathing and toileting your mom, because, yes, it will be you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are never, ever going to get them to see the light. You are wasting huge amounts of your emotional bandwidth trying to get them to change. THEY WILL NOT CHANGE. You need to actually be no contact and not care what they think.

All of this.

Lol, without even knowing any of the issues, here you are with the NO CONTACT torch. This says it all. This is a problem.

You know, I've been wondering why, particularly now, when everything is at stake here and around the world- so much injustice, the loss of democracy, racial and xenophobic crises, misogyny- here you younger females are focusing on yourselves and issues you have with your parents. What happened? Because, ( and I'm sure there are exceptions....yes) for the most part you are not out there protecting, helping immigrants, low income families, immigrants , or even fighting for abortion rights. Do you not see what is happening! You're all still whining about your childhoods. You guys were the prototypes for the child centered family! You got the trophies, the prizes, the catering to. If you were abused, there were laws. In fact, the whole generation was overprotected.
It was your mother's generation that fought for peace, that fought for racial equality, that fought for womens' rights that you are enjoying today.

There's more work to be done, but all I generally see now are only older women still fighting for the stuff we are losing now and for the stuff we still need to have.

OP- your parents weren't abusive. It's clear here by what you are saying and not saying. We ALL do not have time for this whiny nonsense - there is work to be done today. If you can sit down and write a 5 page letter, may I suggest some other worthwhile activities at this time. Before you know it, your parents will be gone, and you will be left with your 5 page diatribe and a country that has gone to $#!t. There's better use of your time.
**And your parents deserve more than this.

**A side note- you better get it together because health care us going down the tubes- lack of H1B visas will halve our medical personnel starting now, immigrants who comprise all elder care will be gone. Insurance will be unobtainable. You can discuss your life long grievances while bathing and toileting your mom, because, yes, it will be you.

Opinion disregarded.

[Anonymous]

My parents are also conflict avoidant and very poor at any kind of emotional support. That is who they are. Stems from their own lives, the era they grew up in, their own family cultures etc. so I don’t expect that from them. I don’t need them or go to them for emotional support, I don’t bring up conflicts. Other people in my life can be supportive. I have zero expectation my parents will meet my emotional needs. Sure, it means I have somewhat of a superficial relationship with them but that is fine with me. Every relationship is different and I am an independent adult who accepts my parents for what they can give. We enjoy meals together, watch a show, do a puzzle, watch the kids play sports etc. we don’t talk about anything g that is emotionally charged.

[Anonymous]

some of us are shaking our heads as to what in life can be "so emotionally charged."

[Anonymous]

pp again, I mean, there's divorce, there's death, there's illness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are never, ever going to get them to see the light. You are wasting huge amounts of your emotional bandwidth trying to get them to change. THEY WILL NOT CHANGE. You need to actually be no contact and not care what they think.

All of this.

Lol, without even knowing any of the issues, here you are with the NO CONTACT torch. This says it all. This is a problem.

You know, I've been wondering why, particularly now, when everything is at stake here and around the world- so much injustice, the loss of democracy, racial and xenophobic crises, misogyny- here you younger females are focusing on yourselves and issues you have with your parents. What happened? Because, ( and I'm sure there are exceptions....yes) for the most part you are not out there protecting, helping immigrants, low income families, immigrants , or even fighting for abortion rights. Do you not see what is happening! You're all still whining about your childhoods. You guys were the prototypes for the child centered family! You got the trophies, the prizes, the catering to. If you were abused, there were laws. In fact, the whole generation was overprotected.
It was your mother's generation that fought for peace, that fought for racial equality, that fought for womens' rights that you are enjoying today.

There's more work to be done, but all I generally see now are only older women still fighting for the stuff we are losing now and for the stuff we still need to have.

OP- your parents weren't abusive. It's clear here by what you are saying and not saying. We ALL do not have time for this whiny nonsense - there is work to be done today. If you can sit down and write a 5 page letter, may I suggest some other worthwhile activities at this time. Before you know it, your parents will be gone, and you will be left with your 5 page diatribe and a country that has gone to $#!t. There's better use of your time.
**And your parents deserve more than this.

**A side note- you better get it together because health care us going down the tubes- lack of H1B visas will halve our medical personnel starting now, immigrants who comprise all elder care will be gone. Insurance will be unobtainable. You can discuss your life long grievances while bathing and toileting your mom, because, yes, it will be you.

Opinion disregarded.

Because OP is a female, and yeah, they are missing in action rn- just when we need them. That is why.
What are young men doing? Nothing better, I assure you, when it comes to the world currently, but pretty sure they aren't writing long tomes of complaint to their parents. They are just in a lot of Discord chat rooms .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You younger Boomers and older Gen Xers are in for a very rude awakening. Very soon. Best to look at the landscape and change your immature, selfish behavior now.

-If you hurt someone, you apologize, and change your behavior

-If you have grandchildren, you respect their parents, and go with their flow

-If you continue your selfish, immature, harmful behavior, don’t be surprised when the natural consequences of YOUR choices is distance, silence and ultimately no contact.

The time for you to grow up and take responsibility for your actions is now. Before it is too late.

And don’t think for a second that we will be missing out on anything. There are plenty of healthy relationships that we have with neighbors, colleagues, friends, people in our community that more than make up for the “loss” of your harmful presence in our lives. You will not be missed, or mourned.

Remember you reap what you sow. Your children are watching and know how to treat you as they grow up.

Since I don’t beat them with a belt, wash their mouths with soap, or leave them to walk miles home after kicking them out of the car, and as I always apologize when I’m wrong, I’m not too worried about that.

You’re cute for trying so hard, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You younger Boomers and older Gen Xers are in for a very rude awakening. Very soon. Best to look at the landscape and change your immature, selfish behavior now.

-If you hurt someone, you apologize, and change your behavior

-If you have grandchildren, you respect their parents, and go with their flow

-If you continue your selfish, immature, harmful behavior, don’t be surprised when the natural consequences of YOUR choices is distance, silence and ultimately no contact.

The time for you to grow up and take responsibility for your actions is now. Before it is too late.

And don’t think for a second that we will be missing out on anything. There are plenty of healthy relationships that we have with neighbors, colleagues, friends, people in our community that more than make up for the “loss” of your harmful presence in our lives. You will not be missed, or mourned.

Remember you reap what you sow. Your children are watching and know how to treat you as they grow up.

Since I don’t beat them with a belt, wash their mouths with soap, or leave them to walk miles home after kicking them out of the car, and as I always apologize when I’m wrong, I’m not too worried about that.
So you are now starting to provide details or just made this up? It looks like 1960 parenting, not 1980s or 90s parenting. I mean, come on.

You’re cute for trying so hard, though.