How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound spoiled, OP. You want what you want on your terms not theirs. Grow up.

LOL, that's a new accusation, so your definition of spoil your child is "ignore and dismiss all his feelings his entire life".

That is a spoiled child’s thought pattern, anyway.

DP

+1000

[Anonymous]

Borderline personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they display their own negative emotions?

I think what they are doing is something a therapist told them to do. They are trying to enjoy a visit, but when negative things are brought up, they try to redirect. It seems like maybe they're telling you that they can't manage your negative emotions, why do you keep trying then? Just accept that and only have surface level interactions. I'm not sure that needs to be a gray rock though. They feel like they're put in a situation in which they can't win at all when things become negative. Probably the only way to get past that would be group therapy.

I have a sister who is NC mostly with the rest of us. Anytime anything gets even the slightest bit heated, we all quickly change the subject and head to safer ground. She will become mentally unstable, scream, throw things and generally make us feel like trash. She makes wild statements (like "if you aren't spending all your free time protesting animal rights, you hate animals and shouldn't be able to live with yourself."). Gray rock seems to be the only way we can manage it. Her therapist at least yearly has her send us long 5 page letters, mostly bringing up old flaws. It would be nice to at least start over. I'm not saying you're like my sister, but my example is more about why we all run when negative things are brought up.

They do not see therapy, they think therapy is for the weak. Yes, I believe the only way to have any relationship with them is to keep it surface level, but that doesn't feel good, who wants a surface level relationship with their parents? And the disconnection between their loving verbal expressions and their actual behaviors drives me crazy.

If my parents think of me the same way you think of your crazy sister, then I would want them to at least tell me, set boundaries, communicate, telling me I am crazy is better than "we don't know why you don't talk to us". Literally, if they could send a longer reply listing why they disagree, at least that shows that I exist, that they see me. The shutdown is what makes me feel invisible. I suppose this is why toddlers sometimes seek negative attention, because that's better than no attention? (even though I don't get it), in my case, I am not seeking attention, I just noticed this pattern in our interactions for all those years and became increasingly hurt.

OP, your parents’ reaction has nothing to do with you. They were never taught to deal with negative emotions, so they avoid them. I realize they are adults, but it is only recently that it became mainstream to go to therapy and talk about these things openly. My parents are the same way. I gave up hope a long time ago that they would ever even acknowledge the pain they’ve caused, let alone apologize for it. This doesn’t mean they are bad people or they don’t love me. They just don’t have the tools to deal with these things.

What you’re hoping for will NEVER happen. I’m sorry, but that’s the reality. Stop living in a fantasy world. You’re wasting an enormous amount of time. Either go NC and truly stop talking to them, or accept you’ll never get what you want and resolve to have a relationship with them, even if it’s superficial. I chose the latter and have had many great years with them. Is it perfect? No. Do I still have resentment? Yes. But I’m not spinning my wheels getting more and more angry about things I cannot change. Either way, you need to move on.

[Anonymous]

Life is too short. You’ll regret this childish behavior. They are old and not going to change. Try to look for the good in them - they’ll soon be gone forever.

[Anonymous]

God help you if anyone close to you has serious mental disorders as an adult. Those are extremely difficult to help.
But hey, blame your parents because you know best. You know exactly what it’s like to be married, raising kids, and one of them is suicidal and mentally disordered.

[Anonymous]

This seems like an incredibly low bar for NC. In any case, there’s nothing more you can do. Go NC if you want and stop worrying about them getting it because they never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is too short. You’ll regret this childish behavior. They are old and not going to change. Try to look for the good in them - they’ll soon be gone forever.

It is not childish to expect people to apologize when they have wronged are harmed you, and stop harmful behavior when asked.

It IS childish to expect people to continue wanting to be around you or engage with you when you ignore their feelings, fail to own up to your mistakes, refuse to apologize when you are wrong, and generally treat them with dismissal and disrespect.

Want a healthy adult relationship, with anyone? Treat them with respect, kindness, openness and authenticity.

It is extraordinarily selfish and childish for grown adults to think they can treat people with disrespect, with no consequences.

[Anonymous]

You younger Boomers and older Gen Xers are in for a very rude awakening. Very soon. Best to look at the landscape and change your immature, selfish behavior now.

-If you hurt someone, you apologize, and change your behavior

-If you have grandchildren, you respect their parents, and go with their flow

-If you continue your selfish, immature, harmful behavior, don’t be surprised when the natural consequences of YOUR choices is distance, silence and ultimately no contact.

The time for you to grow up and take responsibility for your actions is now. Before it is too late.

And don’t think for a second that we will be missing out on anything. There are plenty of healthy relationships that we have with neighbors, colleagues, friends, people in our community that more than make up for the “loss” of your harmful presence in our lives. You will not be missed, or mourned.

[Anonymous]

It isn’t worth it. Live your life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

Unless they molested you, or physically abused you in unspeakable ways, basically something incontestable, they may disagree with you.

If you care for that relationship you can’t keep bringing up your hurt every time you communicate with them. It’s exhausting for them too.

Just because you feel a certain way, doesn’t mean that it’s true. You are essentially at a standstill. They see it in a way which you do not see it in, and vice versa.

‘You made me feel insecure when you corrected my choices.’ could have a reply of ‘you were heading off a bridge at this and that occasion and you were not taking any hints. We had to do what we had to do to stop you. We got worn out from redirecting you kindly and we just had to put a stop at the nonsense. Now we just remember that we put so much effort into you, and you seem ungrateful. You must not love us.’

I’m saying this with a lot of care for you OP, not to attack you, but to give you a different perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is too short. You’ll regret this childish behavior. They are old and not going to change. Try to look for the good in them - they’ll soon be gone forever.

It is not childish to expect people to apologize when they have wronged are harmed you, and stop harmful behavior when asked.

It IS childish to expect people to continue wanting to be around you or engage with you when you ignore their feelings, fail to own up to your mistakes, refuse to apologize when you are wrong, and generally treat them with dismissal and disrespect.

Want a healthy adult relationship, with anyone? Treat them with respect, kindness, openness and authenticity.

It is extraordinarily selfish and childish for grown adults to think they can treat people with disrespect, with no consequences.

Many of us try to tell OP to GIVE THEM THE EFFING CONSEQUENCES AND GO NO CONTACT without further enmeshment by "trying to get them to understand/apologize/change."

But ooooh nooo that's not what they ans some PPs want.

Get over it (trying to change what you can't change) or keep on trying to push that rock uphill because you don't have the wisdom of mental health to know what won't change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You younger Boomers and older Gen Xers are in for a very rude awakening. Very soon. Best to look at the landscape and change your immature, selfish behavior now.

-If you hurt someone, you apologize, and change your behavior

-If you have grandchildren, you respect their parents, and go with their flow

-If you continue your selfish, immature, harmful behavior, don’t be surprised when the natural consequences of YOUR choices is distance, silence and ultimately no contact.

The time for you to grow up and take responsibility for your actions is now. Before it is too late.

And don’t think for a second that we will be missing out on anything. There are plenty of healthy relationships that we have with neighbors, colleagues, friends, people in our community that more than make up for the “loss” of your harmful presence in our lives. You will not be missed, or mourned.

Remember you reap what you sow. Your children are watching and know how to treat you as they grow up.

[Anonymous]

My children are seeing me not put up with disrespect and abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My children are seeing me not put up with disrespect and abuse.

This.

The people saying you're teaching your kids how to treat you when you're older are missing the point. We're teaching our kids that it's not ok for anyone to abuse you, even if they happen to be related to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You younger Boomers and older Gen Xers are in for a very rude awakening. Very soon. Best to look at the landscape and change your immature, selfish behavior now.

-If you hurt someone, you apologize, and change your behavior

-If you have grandchildren, you respect their parents, and go with their flow

-If you continue your selfish, immature, harmful behavior, don’t be surprised when the natural consequences of YOUR choices is distance, silence and ultimately no contact.

The time for you to grow up and take responsibility for your actions is now. Before it is too late.

And don’t think for a second that we will be missing out on anything. There are plenty of healthy relationships that we have with neighbors, colleagues, friends, people in our community that more than make up for the “loss” of your harmful presence in our lives. You will not be missed, or mourned.

It's so weird that you have staked out this position and believe it to be the high ground.

I doubt very much there are any Boomers on this thread -- Boomers are in their 70s and 80s for the most part now (the youngest ones would be mid-60s) and Boomers by and large had their children (GenX) at a much younger age than people did now. So I would wager most of the people replying here from a parent's POV are GenX.

Don't mess with GenX. We don't give a flying eff. Really, we don't. We love our children, but threatening us with emotional manipulation unless we contort ourselves to your bizarre worldview isn't going to get you the results you want. Next week marks the 40th anniversary of us watching a teacher explode in real-time on live TV and then we were sent back to class. We roamed the streets until the lights came on. We drank from the hose. Our parents told us to stop crying or they'd give us something to cry about. We tried to do better with our own kids, but you're not going to succeed in bullying us with this kind of an attitude. Go on and take your ball and go home. We're not going to chase. We'll be fine. Nothing can hurt us anymore.

Ultimately, it will be YOUR regret, anyway.