Frustrated with husband and mother in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason she decided she changed her mind was because she stayed to watch our dog when we were away for a night as a family and my husband messed up the tv remote control and it started from “I’m
not watching the kids anymore” because she was upset about the remote and it turned into “I’m not doing this for you anymore”. I’m fine with whatever she decide: and now we are taking the kids but don’t get upset about something and change your mind a few days before the trip because it costs us big time.

It's too much for her. The dog, the kids, etc. Get that through your thick skull. Get over the money aspect and don't use that to guilt trip her or hang over her head. She doesn't want to do it so it doesn't happen. Now you know not to rely on her in the future.

This is all so bizarre. She is 61 and in good health. Literally a few years older than some of you saying she can’t handle it.

You don’t know that she’s in good health. And FFS people can be sick at all ages. I have a friend who died of a heart attack at the age of 49. My uncle was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in his early 50s. Anyone can have a stroke—just read a story about a girl at UMD who was studying abroad and had a stroke at the age of 21. They refused to stop asking about drugs so she left the ER in Ireland and returned home. They diagnosed the stroke too late and she has aphasia as a result.

You are a total B and I’m glad you aren’t getting the vacation you wanted. Serves you right.

Talk about going from 0 to 100. So don’t leave your kids with anyone or send them to school. Teacher could have a stroke, college babysitter could have a heart attack, don’t let another parent drive them because they could have a seizure on the road and die in a tragic accident.. a lot of emergency situations running through your head. I think you’re the one with anxiety.

OP’s acting like there is literally a zero percent chance that MIL has health issues, mental health issues, or some kind of health/capability scare that is what made her abruptly change her mind. If OP cared about her MIL *at all* she would at least say, “Maybe you are right and there’s some factor here I don’t know about; I’ll ask if she’s OK.” The fact that she refuses to even ask = she doesn’t care about MIL in the slightest.

She sees her MIL often. You crazy.

DP. So? That doesn’t mean the MIL did it recently have a near-miss that makes her nervous about driving her grandkids, or that she has started to notice increased forgetful and confusion that has her feeling anxious about cognitive decline. Those things can be very scary as people get older, and there can be a reluctance to talk about it specifically because of the anxiety.

The camp is at a country club .75 miles from my house. Speed limit is 25 miles an hour. I think most could handle that at age 61.

None of that matters. The 61 year old in question doesn't want to do it. It's over. Unpack your suitcases. Or take your kids along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wow, there seems to be a one or two hate-filled trolls on this thread, attacking the OP.

Yah, there’s a lot of rage in here. Kids thrive from spending time with grandparents. Some of you can take any situation and twist it into something so different from what it is. It’s fine she doesn’t want to do it but I do think the time to speak up was months ago when we discussed all the options and asked her about it, not this late in the game. I actually have no issue taking the kids at all.

Kids thrive from spending time with grandparents who are *comfortable, confident and willing to take on child care.* Kids would NOT thrive in the care of an anxiety-riddled grandparent who is overwhelmed. See the difference? Did I go slow enough? Do you get it yet?

Yes and she said she wanted to do it as long as they were in camp. She changed her mind, but no one pressured her.

Well, if you are posting here for her changing her mind, then this is pressure. Your uncouth writing makes me shudder what kind of shit and intimidation you are using on her IRL. Good for her to speak up now. Your kids are lucky that she declined. Imagine if something really bad happened to them in her shift.

You should be grateful to her, if you value the lives. health and safety of your children.

[Anonymous]

It’s unfortunate. I would think of it more like getting a broken bone the day before your trip of something like that. Yes, it’s frustrating and infuriating but it happened and there’s nothing you can do now.
I would cancel the trip. By canceling you might be able to reuse the tix in the future. I would not ask my mil to babysit again. Lesson learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wow, there seems to be a one or two hate-filled trolls on this thread, attacking the OP.

Yah, there’s a lot of rage in here. Kids thrive from spending time with grandparents. Some of you can take any situation and twist it into something so different from what it is. It’s fine she doesn’t want to do it but I do think the time to speak up was months ago when we discussed all the options and asked her about it, not this late in the game. I actually have no issue taking the kids at all.

Kids thrive from spending time with grandparents who are *comfortable, confident and willing to take on child care.* Kids would NOT thrive in the care of an anxiety-riddled grandparent who is overwhelmed. See the difference? Did I go slow enough? Do you get it yet?

Yes and she said she wanted to do it as long as they were in camp. She changed her mind, but no one pressured her.

Given how mad you were at your husband for not pressuring her to change her mind again, I am a bit skeptical of this claim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason she decided she changed her mind was because she stayed to watch our dog when we were away for a night as a family and my husband messed up the tv remote control and it started from “I’m
not watching the kids anymore” because she was upset about the remote and it turned into “I’m not doing this for you anymore”. I’m fine with whatever she decide: and now we are taking the kids but don’t get upset about something and change your mind a few days before the trip because it costs us big time.

It's too much for her. The dog, the kids, etc. Get that through your thick skull. Get over the money aspect and don't use that to guilt trip her or hang over her head. She doesn't want to do it so it doesn't happen. Now you know not to rely on her in the future.

This is all so bizarre. She is 61 and in good health. Literally a few years older than some of you saying she can’t handle it.

You don’t know that she’s in good health. And FFS people can be sick at all ages. I have a friend who died of a heart attack at the age of 49. My uncle was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in his early 50s. Anyone can have a stroke—just read a story about a girl at UMD who was studying abroad and had a stroke at the age of 21. They refused to stop asking about drugs so she left the ER in Ireland and returned home. They diagnosed the stroke too late and she has aphasia as a result.

You are a total B and I’m glad you aren’t getting the vacation you wanted. Serves you right.

Talk about going from 0 to 100. So don’t leave your kids with anyone or send them to school. Teacher could have a stroke, college babysitter could have a heart attack, don’t let another parent drive them because they could have a seizure on the road and die in a tragic accident.. a lot of emergency situations running through your head. I think you’re the one with anxiety.

Apples to Oranges comparison. The question here is that an elderly care provider spoke up and said that she is not capable of doing the babysitting. OP is not delegating childcare. She is basically trying to get away with dereliction of parental duties. She is in fact a neglectful parent. I hope her DH recognizes this.

So I am but my husband isn’t? Wow, pretty sexist. Isn’t he also leaving the kids?

Difference is that your DH is not posting here, amirite?
You are also angry that he is not whipping your MIL and not confronting her. Yes, you are the a-hole. And my sympathies to your DH for having the misfortune of having kids with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason she decided she changed her mind was because she stayed to watch our dog when we were away for a night as a family and my husband messed up the tv remote control and it started from “I’m
not watching the kids anymore” because she was upset about the remote and it turned into “I’m not doing this for you anymore”. I’m fine with whatever she decide: and now we are taking the kids but don’t get upset about something and change your mind a few days before the trip because it costs us big time.

It's too much for her. The dog, the kids, etc. Get that through your thick skull. Get over the money aspect and don't use that to guilt trip her or hang over her head. She doesn't want to do it so it doesn't happen. Now you know not to rely on her in the future.

This is all so bizarre. She is 61 and in good health. Literally a few years older than some of you saying she can’t handle it.

You don’t know that she’s in good health. And FFS people can be sick at all ages. I have a friend who died of a heart attack at the age of 49. My uncle was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in his early 50s. Anyone can have a stroke—just read a story about a girl at UMD who was studying abroad and had a stroke at the age of 21. They refused to stop asking about drugs so she left the ER in Ireland and returned home. They diagnosed the stroke too late and she has aphasia as a result.

You are a total B and I’m glad you aren’t getting the vacation you wanted. Serves you right.

Np and you’re really reaching here. Lots of people leave their children in the care of a 60 year old. I don’t understand bringing up crazy stories of young people who got sick. Should none of us ever stay home with our children alone?

Yes, dear. Lots of 60somethings do, indeed, take care of their grandkids and such. What with them agreeing to do so, you can tell they are comfortable and capable and up to the task. That’s how you can tell if someone is up to the task of childcare: if they are willing to do so and are comfortable with it and are OK with it.

I’ve left my kids in the care of both my parents and my ILs, all in their 70s. They were eager to do so and expressed no reservation. I’ve left my kids in the care of my aunt in her 50s, same deal. And in the care of babysitters in their 20s, same deal. All were confident, comfortable and willing to take on the task.

Age aside, would you really live your kids for 12 days in the care of ANYONE who said, out loud, directly to your face that they were not up to the task? Would you really leave your kids in the care of someone who said they weren’t up to the task and then hop on a plane to leave the country? If so, you are a terrible parent.

So you seem to have missed the ENTIRE point of the thread. Which OP has articulated a few times. She would not have been upset if MIL had said no in the first place. That isn’t what happened. Surely you can understand options are limited when she backs out with just a few days notice.

OK, so MIL got anxious as the trip got closer. She said yes. Then she started having doubts, and is now anxious and doesn’t feel capable of doing this.

MIL said yes. Then she decided she couldn’t do it. That sucks. That’s life. But better to have MIL speak up and admit she couldn’t take this on then for her to have an anxiety attack and make mistakes and bad choices with the parents in a different country. If MIL had an attack of nerves and God forbid caused an accident or hurt the kids or something, oh man you harpies would be on here, “But why didn’t MIL just be honest and say she couldn’t do it?!”

Would you yank a bride who changed her mind about getting married down the aisle just because the cake was paid for and the guests were starting to arrive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Wow, there seems to be a one or two hate-filled trolls on this thread, attacking the OP.

Yah, there’s a lot of rage in here. Kids thrive from spending time with grandparents. Some of you can take any situation and twist it into something so different from what it is. It’s fine she doesn’t want to do it but I do think the time to speak up was months ago when we discussed all the options and asked her about it, not this late in the game. I actually have no issue taking the kids at all.

Kids thrive from spending time with grandparents who are *comfortable, confident and willing to take on child care.* Kids would NOT thrive in the care of an anxiety-riddled grandparent who is overwhelmed. See the difference? Did I go slow enough? Do you get it yet?

Yes and she said she wanted to do it as long as they were in camp. She changed her mind, but no one pressured her.

Given how mad you were at your husband for not pressuring her to change her mind again, I am a bit skeptical of this claim.

Was she ever enthusiastic about this "opportunity"? I'm willing to be she felt put on the spot and pressured to say yes in the first place and as the departure date gets closer she's realizing she's not up for the task. You don't want someone like that in charge of 2 young kids who can maybe can make their own waffles but are otherwise useless in an emergency like if Grandma had a stroke or fell and broke a hip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s unfortunate. I would think of it more like getting a broken bone the day before your trip of something like that. Yes, it’s frustrating and infuriating but it happened and there’s nothing you can do now.
I would cancel the trip. By canceling you might be able to reuse the tix in the future. I would not ask my mil to babysit again. Lesson learned.

I can bet you, that OP will try to get her pound of flesh from grandma. She will be made to look after the dog, housesit, guilted into taking kids to camp. OP sounds like a low class shrew. She is still going to use her MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason she decided she changed her mind was because she stayed to watch our dog when we were away for a night as a family and my husband messed up the tv remote control and it started from “I’m
not watching the kids anymore” because she was upset about the remote and it turned into “I’m not doing this for you anymore”. I’m fine with whatever she decide: and now we are taking the kids but don’t get upset about something and change your mind a few days before the trip because it costs us big time.

It's too much for her. The dog, the kids, etc. Get that through your thick skull. Get over the money aspect and don't use that to guilt trip her or hang over her head. She doesn't want to do it so it doesn't happen. Now you know not to rely on her in the future.

This is all so bizarre. She is 61 and in good health. Literally a few years older than some of you saying she can’t handle it.

You don’t know that she’s in good health. And FFS people can be sick at all ages. I have a friend who died of a heart attack at the age of 49. My uncle was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in his early 50s. Anyone can have a stroke—just read a story about a girl at UMD who was studying abroad and had a stroke at the age of 21. They refused to stop asking about drugs so she left the ER in Ireland and returned home. They diagnosed the stroke too late and she has aphasia as a result.

You are a total B and I’m glad you aren’t getting the vacation you wanted. Serves you right.

Talk about going from 0 to 100. So don’t leave your kids with anyone or send them to school. Teacher could have a stroke, college babysitter could have a heart attack, don’t let another parent drive them because they could have a seizure on the road and die in a tragic accident.. a lot of emergency situations running through your head. I think you’re the one with anxiety.

OP’s acting like there is literally a zero percent chance that MIL has health issues, mental health issues, or some kind of health/capability scare that is what made her abruptly change her mind. If OP cared about her MIL *at all* she would at least say, “Maybe you are right and there’s some factor here I don’t know about; I’ll ask if she’s OK.” The fact that she refuses to even ask = she doesn’t care about MIL in the slightest.

She sees her MIL often. You crazy.

DP. So? That doesn’t mean the MIL did it recently have a near-miss that makes her nervous about driving her grandkids, or that she has started to notice increased forgetful and confusion that has her feeling anxious about cognitive decline. Those things can be very scary as people get older, and there can be a reluctance to talk about it specifically because of the anxiety.

The camp is at a country club .75 miles from my house. Speed limit is 25 miles an hour. I think most could handle that at age 61.

Yeah, most could. Your MIL can’t. Sucks for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reason she decided she changed her mind was because she stayed to watch our dog when we were away for a night as a family and my husband messed up the tv remote control and it started from “I’m
not watching the kids anymore” because she was upset about the remote and it turned into “I’m not doing this for you anymore”. I’m fine with whatever she decide: and now we are taking the kids but don’t get upset about something and change your mind a few days before the trip because it costs us big time.

It's too much for her. The dog, the kids, etc. Get that through your thick skull. Get over the money aspect and don't use that to guilt trip her or hang over her head. She doesn't want to do it so it doesn't happen. Now you know not to rely on her in the future.

This is all so bizarre. She is 61 and in good health. Literally a few years older than some of you saying she can’t handle it.

You don’t know that she’s in good health. And FFS people can be sick at all ages. I have a friend who died of a heart attack at the age of 49. My uncle was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in his early 50s. Anyone can have a stroke—just read a story about a girl at UMD who was studying abroad and had a stroke at the age of 21. They refused to stop asking about drugs so she left the ER in Ireland and returned home. They diagnosed the stroke too late and she has aphasia as a result.

You are a total B and I’m glad you aren’t getting the vacation you wanted. Serves you right.

Np and you’re really reaching here. Lots of people leave their children in the care of a 60 year old. I don’t understand bringing up crazy stories of young people who got sick. Should none of us ever stay home with our children alone?

Yes, dear. Lots of 60somethings do, indeed, take care of their grandkids and such. What with them agreeing to do so, you can tell they are comfortable and capable and up to the task. That’s how you can tell if someone is up to the task of childcare: if they are willing to do so and are comfortable with it and are OK with it.

I’ve left my kids in the care of both my parents and my ILs, all in their 70s. They were eager to do so and expressed no reservation. I’ve left my kids in the care of my aunt in her 50s, same deal. And in the care of babysitters in their 20s, same deal. All were confident, comfortable and willing to take on the task.

Age aside, would you really live your kids for 12 days in the care of ANYONE who said, out loud, directly to your face that they were not up to the task? Would you really leave your kids in the care of someone who said they weren’t up to the task and then hop on a plane to leave the country? If so, you are a terrible parent.

So you seem to have missed the ENTIRE point of the thread. Which OP has articulated a few times. She would not have been upset if MIL had said no in the first place. That isn’t what happened. Surely you can understand options are limited when she backs out with just a few days notice.

OK, so MIL got anxious as the trip got closer. She said yes. Then she started having doubts, and is now anxious and doesn’t feel capable of doing this.

MIL said yes. Then she decided she couldn’t do it. That sucks. That’s life. But better to have MIL speak up and admit she couldn’t take this on then for her to have an anxiety attack and make mistakes and bad choices with the parents in a different country. If MIL had an attack of nerves and God forbid caused an accident or hurt the kids or something, oh man you harpies would be on here, “But why didn’t MIL just be honest and say she couldn’t do it?!”

Would you yank a bride who changed her mind about getting married down the aisle just because the cake was paid for and the guests were starting to arrive?

It’s also possible that the MIL has been expressing misgivings before this but OP and her DH turned a deaf ear because they didn’t want to acknowledge them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s unfortunate. I would think of it more like getting a broken bone the day before your trip of something like that. Yes, it’s frustrating and infuriating but it happened and there’s nothing you can do now.
I would cancel the trip. By canceling you might be able to reuse the tix in the future. I would not ask my mil to babysit again. Lesson learned.

I can bet you, that OP will try to get her pound of flesh from grandma. She will be made to look after the dog, housesit, guilted into taking kids to camp. OP sounds like a low class shrew. She is still going to use her MIL.

OP has made it clear that grandma is financially dependent on them and lives off Social Security. It's pretty obvious what will happen next.

[Anonymous]

How is a 61 year old woman getting social security benefits? Are these disability benefits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I, too, would love to see someone argue this point. But give me a 5-minute warning before you post, because I want to make popcorn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.