Frustrated with husband and mother in law

[Anonymous]

OK, at least she was honest. And she is doing the safe and sane thing by waving the white flag and calling you to return home.

Be grateful that she’s not like my parents or my ILs, who struggle but still insist on watching our kids at least twice a year and get mad if we ask my aunt or my cousin instead. They don’t “understand” nut allergies, don’t “understand” wearing helmets on scooters and such (my kids ask for help putting helmets on and my parents act helpless), get exhausted and everything goes to pot. I honestly would rather know even mid-trip that someone is struggling. Your MIL did the responsible and honest thing.

And by the way? Going from 2 nights away to 12 and getting mad at her that she couldn’t make that leap, even with help, is rude and insane of you. And I say this as someone who is not a big MIL fan here on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody should be expected to do this. Take your kids with you next time, your trips alone are limited once you have kids. Now is the time to accept that and not ask for others to parent your kids for 2 weeks.

I wanted to take them and still do. My husband says it’s mean to take away her opportunity bc she was relying on the money aspect. We are spending far more to have her babysit with her fee and camps than the 2 international flights.

So give them what they want. Shorten the trip to 6 days and pay her for 6 days. She gets the length of visit she wants and your DH still gets to pay her some money.

Which is what she did but if they could actually communicate and make those decisions in advance we wouldn’t be out a bunch of change fees and now I have to change all the logistics, cancel after care for camp for the kids, etc.. Just plan accordingly. Don’t spring it on me 3 days before. There’s a lot of logistics involved in something like this and neither of them ever handle that so are very unaware of it. My husband is on the phone with the airline for several hours now so he’s getting a small taste of it but I’m always the one dealing with it and they are both flighty and bad planners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, at least she was honest. And she is doing the safe and sane thing by waving the white flag and calling you to return home.

Be grateful that she’s not like my parents or my ILs, who struggle but still insist on watching our kids at least twice a year and get mad if we ask my aunt or my cousin instead. They don’t “understand” nut allergies, don’t “understand” wearing helmets on scooters and such (my kids ask for help putting helmets on and my parents act helpless), get exhausted and everything goes to pot. I honestly would rather know even mid-trip that someone is struggling. Your MIL did the responsible and honest thing.

And by the way? Going from 2 nights away to 12 and getting mad at her that she couldn’t make that leap, even with help, is rude and insane of you. And I say this as someone who is not a big MIL fan here on DCUM.

I’m not mad at her she can’t do it, I’m mad she agreed to do it and changed her mind 3 days before. Also it’s really not that hard when you’re watching the kids 1-2 hours a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you find a college student through your neighborhood FB? That would be my go-to in this situation.

I'm
New poster. Thought this (and an earlier "Just get a sitter" post) seem to be helpful, they're not. They're naive posts. Maybe your neighborhood has college students and sitters just sitting around waiting for a last-second job working SIX freaking days and nights--that is not at all the real world any more. This isn't one night out at dinner and a show. This is a vacation and they couple needs six days of coverage if they were to keep the 12-day trip and MIL will come for only six days.

Even if it weren't this long and this big a deal, there are just not teens and college kids, even in summer, who are available easily and want to babysit much anymore. Certainly not for a week.

OP, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you and DH have to accommodate MIL and cut your trip shorts. There are some trips where six days is just not enough to make it worthwhile. I'm especially sorry your DH did not read his mother the riot act in a huge way and tell her she screwed you both royally by doing this, especially as you made so many excellent arrangements. She practically has nothing to do except sleep in the same house as the kids. I would have told her she has also cost you a fortune in lost fees, nonrefundable deposits etc. Or rather your DH should be telling her this.

Only if MIL has a medical issue she's been keeping from you both, and she's suddenly scared of being with the kids so long because of that--only then would I give her a pass and it would be genuine.

I hope you can salvage a good trip. The people here carping at you about taking a trip without the kids are likely the kind of parents who think "good" parents must take their children EVERYwhere. Nope. Couples need time alone, and you deserve a trip if it's one you've dreamed of and planned for so well as you clearly have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, at least she was honest. And she is doing the safe and sane thing by waving the white flag and calling you to return home.

Be grateful that she’s not like my parents or my ILs, who struggle but still insist on watching our kids at least twice a year and get mad if we ask my aunt or my cousin instead. They don’t “understand” nut allergies, don’t “understand” wearing helmets on scooters and such (my kids ask for help putting helmets on and my parents act helpless), get exhausted and everything goes to pot. I honestly would rather know even mid-trip that someone is struggling. Your MIL did the responsible and honest thing.

And by the way? Going from 2 nights away to 12 and getting mad at her that she couldn’t make that leap, even with help, is rude and insane of you. And I say this as someone who is not a big MIL fan here on DCUM.

I’m not mad at her she can’t do it, I’m mad she agreed to do it and changed her mind 3 days before. Also it’s really not that hard when you’re watching the kids 1-2 hours a day.

So, what, you’ve never had the experience where you want to ride the rollercoaster and then when that ride is tick-tick-ticking up the hill, you panic and want off?

She thought she could do it. She tried. She hit a limit and instead of being unsafe and irresponsible, she was honest and said she couldn’t. Good for her. Boo to you.

You’re saying “it’s really not that hard” as, what, a 38-year-old in good health who has been doing this day in and day out for years? When I was 18, I routinely swam a 1650–a mile—as a race in competition. Do I think I could still swim a 1650? Yeah. But around the 400 mark I’d be like, “Oh sh…” And if I started to drown, I’d swallow my pride and signal the lifeguard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dang. My kids are 14 and 17 and we haven’t left them for more than three nights.

Martyr.

[Anonymous]

Can you just cancel the whole trip and plan something that’s more sane later? Don’t involve MIL at all.

[Anonymous]

Honestly at this point I would cancel the whole thing. Have DH go on the work part and return early. Make him deal with canceling everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, at least she was honest. And she is doing the safe and sane thing by waving the white flag and calling you to return home.

Be grateful that she’s not like my parents or my ILs, who struggle but still insist on watching our kids at least twice a year and get mad if we ask my aunt or my cousin instead. They don’t “understand” nut allergies, don’t “understand” wearing helmets on scooters and such (my kids ask for help putting helmets on and my parents act helpless), get exhausted and everything goes to pot. I honestly would rather know even mid-trip that someone is struggling. Your MIL did the responsible and honest thing.

And by the way? Going from 2 nights away to 12 and getting mad at her that she couldn’t make that leap, even with help, is rude and insane of you. And I say this as someone who is not a big MIL fan here on DCUM.

I’m not mad at her she can’t do it, I’m mad she agreed to do it and changed her mind 3 days before. Also it’s really not that hard when you’re watching the kids 1-2 hours a day.

So, what, you’ve never had the experience where you want to ride the rollercoaster and then when that ride is tick-tick-ticking up the hill, you panic and want off?

She thought she could do it. She tried. She hit a limit and instead of being unsafe and irresponsible, she was honest and said she couldn’t. Good for her. Boo to you.

You’re saying “it’s really not that hard” as, what, a 38-year-old in good health who has been doing this day in and day out for years? When I was 18, I routinely swam a 1650–a mile—as a race in competition. Do I think I could still swim a 1650? Yeah. But around the 400 mark I’d be like, “Oh sh…” And if I started to drown, I’d swallow my pride and signal the lifeguard.

Not OP, but wow. "Good for her. Boo to you"? What a silly thing to say. Would you so happily suck it up and laugh, "Well, boo to me!" if you suddenly lose half your planned vacation, PP? When you're close to going out the door?

The MIL panicked and has cost her own son, the DH, and OP a boatload of money and infinite frustration as they rearrange everything. OP is even trying to be decent about it, pointing out she's not mad at MIL but that MIL left them in the lurch with only 72 hours to go before they were supposed to depart.

As for your snark at OP's saying "it's not really that hard," did you actually read the specific arrangements OP had made so MIL basically had a max of about two hours a day of hands-on looking after the kids? Every other minute and every meal was set up so MIL didn't have to do a thing except, what, get them to bed and get them up. But this being DCUM, I'm sure you or someone will come to argue that "OP made too many arrangements! OP is suffocating MIL and the kids!" and so on. So many "OPs are never right" posters on this site.

Oh, and that clever roller coaster analogy? Once you hear that tick-tick as it heads upward, even if you want to get off -- you can't. You're committed to the ride. You forgot that part.

.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dang. My kids are 14 and 17 and we haven’t left them for more than three nights.

Martyr.

Not a martyr. Just someone who enjoys vacationing with my kids. When they were younger, I was a SAHM and we didn’t have the money to go away for over a week without them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody should be expected to do this. Take your kids with you next time, your trips alone are limited once you have kids. Now is the time to accept that and not ask for others to parent your kids for 2 weeks.

This. It must seem daunting to her. To go from no worries to having 24 hour responsibility for 2 kids 6 and under. For FOURTEEN DAYS!!! Wow. You're asking too much, OP, for one person to take on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, at least she was honest. And she is doing the safe and sane thing by waving the white flag and calling you to return home.

Be grateful that she’s not like my parents or my ILs, who struggle but still insist on watching our kids at least twice a year and get mad if we ask my aunt or my cousin instead. They don’t “understand” nut allergies, don’t “understand” wearing helmets on scooters and such (my kids ask for help putting helmets on and my parents act helpless), get exhausted and everything goes to pot. I honestly would rather know even mid-trip that someone is struggling. Your MIL did the responsible and honest thing.

And by the way? Going from 2 nights away to 12 and getting mad at her that she couldn’t make that leap, even with help, is rude and insane of you. And I say this as someone who is not a big MIL fan here on DCUM.

I’m not mad at her she can’t do it, I’m mad she agreed to do it and changed her mind 3 days before. Also it’s really not that hard when you’re watching the kids 1-2 hours a day.

So, what, you’ve never had the experience where you want to ride the rollercoaster and then when that ride is tick-tick-ticking up the hill, you panic and want off?

She thought she could do it. She tried. She hit a limit and instead of being unsafe and irresponsible, she was honest and said she couldn’t. Good for her. Boo to you.

You’re saying “it’s really not that hard” as, what, a 38-year-old in good health who has been doing this day in and day out for years? When I was 18, I routinely swam a 1650–a mile—as a race in competition. Do I think I could still swim a 1650? Yeah. But around the 400 mark I’d be like, “Oh sh…” And if I started to drown, I’d swallow my pride and signal the lifeguard.

Not OP, but wow. "Good for her. Boo to you"? What a silly thing to say. Would you so happily suck it up and laugh, "Well, boo to me!" if you suddenly lose half your planned vacation, PP? When you're close to going out the door?

The MIL panicked and has cost her own son, the DH, and OP a boatload of money and infinite frustration as they rearrange everything. OP is even trying to be decent about it, pointing out she's not mad at MIL but that MIL left them in the lurch with only 72 hours to go before they were supposed to depart.

As for your snark at OP's saying "it's not really that hard," did you actually read the specific arrangements OP had made so MIL basically had a max of about two hours a day of hands-on looking after the kids? Every other minute and every meal was set up so MIL didn't have to do a thing except, what, get them to bed and get them up. But this being DCUM, I'm sure you or someone will come to argue that "OP made too many arrangements! OP is suffocating MIL and the kids!" and so on. So many "OPs are never right" posters on this site.

Oh, and that clever roller coaster analogy? Once you hear that tick-tick as it heads upward, even if you want to get off -- you can't. You're committed to the ride. You forgot that part.

.

I agree with "Good for her. boo hoo to you." The ask was too great. And it sounds more like it was a pressured demand than an ask. I think the MIL was right to say no beforehand. Does it leave OP and her husband in a lurch? Yep. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

My parents managed to take me on vacations and spend a few on their own while I stayed with my grandparents. My mom did the same with my great grandparents. It's not unheard of, and I'm glad I had that time with them. But I guess your MIL is not the summer with grandma type, unfortunately. What about your mom, OP?

[Anonymous]

Oh please. You and DH tried to go from 0 to 100. You overshot and here we are.

Try a long weekend next time. That is reasonable. You went BEYOND and you have no one to blame but yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, at least she was honest. And she is doing the safe and sane thing by waving the white flag and calling you to return home.

Be grateful that she’s not like my parents or my ILs, who struggle but still insist on watching our kids at least twice a year and get mad if we ask my aunt or my cousin instead. They don’t “understand” nut allergies, don’t “understand” wearing helmets on scooters and such (my kids ask for help putting helmets on and my parents act helpless), get exhausted and everything goes to pot. I honestly would rather know even mid-trip that someone is struggling. Your MIL did the responsible and honest thing.

And by the way? Going from 2 nights away to 12 and getting mad at her that she couldn’t make that leap, even with help, is rude and insane of you. And I say this as someone who is not a big MIL fan here on DCUM.

I’m not mad at her she can’t do it, I’m mad she agreed to do it and changed her mind 3 days before. Also it’s really not that hard when you’re watching the kids 1-2 hours a day.

So, what, you’ve never had the experience where you want to ride the rollercoaster and then when that ride is tick-tick-ticking up the hill, you panic and want off?

She thought she could do it. She tried. She hit a limit and instead of being unsafe and irresponsible, she was honest and said she couldn’t. Good for her. Boo to you.

You’re saying “it’s really not that hard” as, what, a 38-year-old in good health who has been doing this day in and day out for years? When I was 18, I routinely swam a 1650–a mile—as a race in competition. Do I think I could still swim a 1650? Yeah. But around the 400 mark I’d be like, “Oh sh…” And if I started to drown, I’d swallow my pride and signal the lifeguard.

Not OP, but wow. "Good for her. Boo to you"? What a silly thing to say. Would you so happily suck it up and laugh, "Well, boo to me!" if you suddenly lose half your planned vacation, PP? When you're close to going out the door?

The MIL panicked and has cost her own son, the DH, and OP a boatload of money and infinite frustration as they rearrange everything. OP is even trying to be decent about it, pointing out she's not mad at MIL but that MIL left them in the lurch with only 72 hours to go before they were supposed to depart.

As for your snark at OP's saying "it's not really that hard," did you actually read the specific arrangements OP had made so MIL basically had a max of about two hours a day of hands-on looking after the kids? Every other minute and every meal was set up so MIL didn't have to do a thing except, what, get them to bed and get them up. But this being DCUM, I'm sure you or someone will come to argue that "OP made too many arrangements! OP is suffocating MIL and the kids!" and so on. So many "OPs are never right" posters on this site.

Oh, and that clever roller coaster analogy? Once you hear that tick-tick as it heads upward, even if you want to get off -- you can't. You're committed to the ride. You forgot that part.

.

Yes, Grandma panicked. And instead of being ashamed she spoke up. Instead of letting herself get to an unsafe place of being overwhelmed and in over her head, she said…I can’t do this. Good for her. Good for her for being willing to face disappointment and anger rather than stretch herself too thin and possibly not being able to handle the childcare safely and effectively.

I’d rather lose a vacation than endanger my kids to someone who wasn’t equipped to handle them. If something bad had happened—from the small scare to the downright tragic—you cows would all be on here saying, “But WHY didn’t she just ADMIT she couldn’t HANDLE it?!”