How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

You've made your bed, hon. Now have a rest in it. It's too late now.

Why can't she take out loans, op?

[Anonymous]

Isn’t this the kind of thing that can be explained on FAFSA?

If she only has access to your finances and you can’t afford the school, she should qualify for aid. I would personally encourage her to go through the whole process including admissions/aid and see where things end up. Schools are very hard to get into these days, even for ideal candidates. If she doesn’t even get in you would have saved yourself the talk.

Source: work in higher Ed elite colleges for over a decade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

You've made your bed, hon. Now have a rest in it. It's too late now.

Why can't she take out loans, op?

The 30K + sub and unsub federal loans will likely get her through her state university. If she took the full amount she would graduate with maybe 25k in debt. I think that's fine for a motivated strong student with family to fall back on in case of emergency. Taking out more than that in private loans (that don't have the protections of fed loans) gets a young person into a dangerous place financially.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone checked in with her father to see if he might have anything to contribute?

[Anonymous]

Here’s another idea — are you sure you only have $30k? Maybe you could liquidate your retirement to help her, since your DH has you covered. Not sure if you have a prenup but even in case of divorce you should get something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s another idea — are you sure you only have $30k? Maybe you could liquidate your retirement to help her, since your DH has you covered. Not sure if you have a prenup but even in case of divorce you should get something.

I think OP should be honest that she's a gold digger. The only reason she has savings is because she chose someone rich over someone who would treat her daughter like his own. No good parent would do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

You've made your bed, hon. Now have a rest in it. It's too late now.

Why can't she take out loans, op?

The 30K + sub and unsub federal loans will likely get her through her state university. If she took the full amount she would graduate with maybe 25k in debt. I think that's fine for a motivated strong student with family to fall back on in case of emergency. Taking out more than that in private loans (that don't have the protections of fed loans) gets a young person into a dangerous place financially.

Doesn’t sound like this girl has much of a family support system to fall back on, frankly. Let’s be honest, she’s on her own as soon as she’s out of HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

You've made your bed, hon. Now have a rest in it. It's too late now.

Why can't she take out loans, op?

The 30K + sub and unsub federal loans will likely get her through her state university. If she took the full amount she would graduate with maybe 25k in debt. I think that's fine for a motivated strong student with family to fall back on in case of emergency. Taking out more than that in private loans (that don't have the protections of fed loans) gets a young person into a dangerous place financially.

She can only get those loans if mom co-signs.

[Anonymous]

Your dd is only 17 and lashing out the only way she knows how. But, she has a cause for it and a very justified one.
Don't worry op, soon she will discard any misplaced ideas and the need to be loved and provided for by her own mom. Soon, she will realize that you are not worth her anger.
She will be out of your life, and very soon. You will then be able to focus on being... whatever that other pp said she sees her mom as.

[Anonymous]

Your complete lack of awareness as to how you have screwed your kid over is astonishing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

I think you are repeating words your wealthy husband told you to avoid supporting your child.

You married a man a few years ago - so what - when your daughter was 14? 14 is young enough to expect a blended family to be an actual family. The deal you made with your husband sucks and Your daughter is paying the price. If you wanted to live separate financial lives, you should have not gotten married. Your daughter likely would find it easier to get aid. You should be mature enough to understand you made a choice that really sucks for her. You married a man that has no desire to be her father.

NP -- These three comments above very insightful. She is not fully part of either family unit -- OP's with a step-dad and kids her age who are essentially living a different lifestyle, or her Dad's, in which her half siblings also seem to be living a somewhat different lifestyles. Two families, which are rich in comparison to her and her prospects, each one with one of her parents, and she's doesnt fully belong to either.

And it isnt just "happenstance." OP made decisions (whom she married and whatever agreements they made about how they would handle money) that benefit herself yet penalize her DD's ability to pay for college (she could have qualified for aid if the OP wasnt married to a well-off DH).

So the daughter is lashing out at the unfairness of it all (and that her mother wont even ask her husband for a small contribution). And OP is worried about her daughter "permanently" damaging her relationship with her step-sisters and about being embarrassed in front of her new rich family. (as yes, the daughter has undoubtedly picked-up on that as well). The part that probably hurts her the most is that the OP wont even try doesnt have to be full tuition, but a even a contribution would feel like someone cared.

+1

OP, I hope you are still reading this thread and reflecting on the other points of view being expressed. It’s deeply troubling that you saw no problem with putting your DD in a situation at age 12 where she is treated like a second class citizen in her own home and expected to be grateful for it. While it may only be “a few years” in the scheme of your life, by the time your DD graduates high school, she will have spent a third of her life living with her stepdad. (My own mom remarried when I was 12. My bio dad and my stepdad each paid for half of my college.)

If you and your DH were to divorce, would your attitude be “oh well, we’ve always kept our finances separate. I guess it’s time to go back to pinching pennies and barely get by.” I’m guessing you would view his money as your money and go after half.

You should really let your DH know that you’ve done some reflecting and think DD has been treated unfairly. Show him this thread. I think you may still have time to repair the relationship if you care to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

You've made your bed, hon. Now have a rest in it. It's too late now.

Why can't she take out loans, op?

The 30K + sub and unsub federal loans will likely get her through her state university. If she took the full amount she would graduate with maybe 25k in debt. I think that's fine for a motivated strong student with family to fall back on in case of emergency. Taking out more than that in private loans (that don't have the protections of fed loans) gets a young person into a dangerous place financially.

She can only get those loans if mom co-signs.

If you are referring to federal sub and unsub loans, you are incorrect, those loans do not require a credit check or a cosigner. Please go here if you want confirmation that this info is correct: https://studentaid.gov/understand-aid/types/loans

If you are referring to PLUS loans or most private loans, you are correct that she would need a co-signer.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should tell your daughter to apply to all the schools she wants to go to, but also to UMD since there’s no guarantee where she’ll actually get admitted. Tell her that you’ll do everything you can to pay for her college, wherever it is.

You should talk to her father and your DH and ask what they can contribute. You should explain to your DH that your marrying him has cost your DD any hope of need-based aid. If he’s been willing to make generous donations to colleges in the past, it seems he should be willing to make a contribution to your daughter’s education.

You should figure out what you need to do to come up with the money your DD needs, and saving money should be your number one priority. The $30K you have may cover her first year, so you have time to save more for her second year and beyond. Figure out a budget and increase your savings as much as possible. Get a better job or a second job, or both, and be willing to take out a loan yourself if it comes to that.

The only things you should ask of your DD right now is to keep her grades up, apply for scholarships, and get a part-time job because the work experience will be good for her.

Later on, if the money falls short, you may be able to ask her to take out a student loan, but she needs to see that you’ve done absolutely everything first.

You should not make her solely responsible for figuring all this out on her own, or paying her own way 100%. She’s in this pickle because you put her there. You need to take on the responsibility of helping her now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your complete lack of awareness as to how you have screwed your kid over is astonishing.

Actually, I think OP knows but doesn’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

I think you are repeating words your wealthy husband told you to avoid supporting your child.

You married a man a few years ago - so what - when your daughter was 14? 14 is young enough to expect a blended family to be an actual family. The deal you made with your husband sucks and Your daughter is paying the price. If you wanted to live separate financial lives, you should have not gotten married. Your daughter likely would find it easier to get aid. You should be mature enough to understand you made a choice that really sucks for her. You married a man that has no desire to be her father.

NP -- These three comments above very insightful. She is not fully part of either family unit -- OP's with a step-dad and kids her age who are essentially living a different lifestyle, or her Dad's, in which her half siblings also seem to be living a somewhat different lifestyles. Two families, which are rich in comparison to her and her prospects, each one with one of her parents, and she's doesnt fully belong to either.

And it isnt just "happenstance." OP made decisions (whom she married and whatever agreements they made about how they would handle money) that benefit herself yet penalize her DD's ability to pay for college (she could have qualified for aid if the OP wasnt married to a well-off DH).

So the daughter is lashing out at the unfairness of it all (and that her mother wont even ask her husband for a small contribution). And OP is worried about her daughter "permanently" damaging her relationship with her step-sisters and about being embarrassed in front of her new rich family. (as yes, the daughter has undoubtedly picked-up on that as well). The part that probably hurts her the most is that the OP wont even try doesnt have to be full tuition, but a even a contribution would feel like someone cared.

+1

OP, I hope you are still reading this thread and reflecting on the other points of view being expressed. It’s deeply troubling that you saw no problem with putting your DD in a situation at age 12 where she is treated like a second class citizen in her own home and expected to be grateful for it. While it may only be “a few years” in the scheme of your life, by the time your DD graduates high school, she will have spent a third of her life living with her stepdad. (My own mom remarried when I was 12. My bio dad and my stepdad each paid for half of my college.)

If you and your DH were to divorce, would your attitude be “oh well, we’ve always kept our finances separate. I guess it’s time to go back to pinching pennies and barely get by.” I’m guessing you would view his money as your money and go after half.

You should really let your DH know that you’ve done some reflecting and think DD has been treated unfairly. Show him this thread. I think you may still have time to repair the relationship if you care to.

There’s no way OP is showing her DH this thread. Ten to one she’s signed a prenup which is why she’s so focused on not rocking the boat and keeping DH and the stepchildren happy at the expense of her daughter. She doesn’t want to jeopardize her own gravy train.