How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

I think you are repeating words your wealthy husband told you to avoid supporting your child.

You married a man a few years ago - so what - when your daughter was 14? 14 is young enough to expect a blended family to be an actual family. The deal you made with your husband sucks and Your daughter is paying the price. If you wanted to live separate financial lives, you should have not gotten married. Your daughter likely would find it easier to get aid. You should be mature enough to understand you made a choice that really sucks for her. You married a man that has no desire to be her father.

NP -- These three comments above very insightful. She is not fully part of either family unit -- OP's with a step-dad and kids her age who are essentially living a different lifestyle, or her Dad's, in which her half siblings also seem to be living a somewhat different lifestyles. Two families, which are rich in comparison to her and her prospects, each one with one of her parents, and she's doesnt fully belong to either.

And it isnt just "happenstance." OP made decisions (whom she married and whatever agreements they made about how they would handle money) that benefit herself yet penalize her DD's ability to pay for college (she could have qualified for aid if the OP wasnt married to a well-off DH).

So the daughter is lashing out at the unfairness of it all (and that her mother wont even ask her husband for a small contribution). And OP is worried about her daughter "permanently" damaging her relationship with her step-sisters and about being embarrassed in front of her new rich family. (as yes, the daughter has undoubtedly picked-up on that as well). The part that probably hurts her the most is that the OP wont even try doesnt have to be full tuition, but a even a contribution would feel like someone cared.

+1

OP, I hope you are still reading this thread and reflecting on the other points of view being expressed. It’s deeply troubling that you saw no problem with putting your DD in a situation at age 12 where she is treated like a second class citizen in her own home and expected to be grateful for it. While it may only be “a few years” in the scheme of your life, by the time your DD graduates high school, she will have spent a third of her life living with her stepdad. (My own mom remarried when I was 12. My bio dad and my stepdad each paid for half of my college.)

If you and your DH were to divorce, would your attitude be “oh well, we’ve always kept our finances separate. I guess it’s time to go back to pinching pennies and barely get by.” I’m guessing you would view his money as your money and go after half.

You should really let your DH know that you’ve done some reflecting and think DD has been treated unfairly. Show him this thread. I think you may still have time to repair the relationship if you care to.

If OP signed a prenup, then yes. I’m guessing she did because she keeps saying they’ve already discussed and agreed that he would not make any big lurches or settlements on her kid.

I have to say, I’m really baffled by the responses in here. It’s not surprising to me at all that this guy does not want to pay for the daughters education at a school like Williams or Vassar and thinks UMD is good enough. She’s not his kid! And he came into her life when she was already a teenager.

Also not surprising to me that Mom knows step dad doesn’t want to pay and so doesn’t want to Rick the boat.

It’s all very cut and dried.

[Anonymous]

This is bad.

[Anonymous]

PP--It's not a matter of Vassar vs. UMaryland. The daughter can't afford UMaryland unless she gets substantial merit aid, gets married, joins the service, or waits until age 24.

$30,000 is not enough to pay for UMaryland and there are limits for how much she can borrow. $5500 for the first year.D could, if she is very frugal, pay for about 3 semesters.

If mom weren't married to stepdad, D could get fin aid. Now she can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

I think you are repeating words your wealthy husband told you to avoid supporting your child.

You married a man a few years ago - so what - when your daughter was 14? 14 is young enough to expect a blended family to be an actual family. The deal you made with your husband sucks and Your daughter is paying the price. If you wanted to live separate financial lives, you should have not gotten married. Your daughter likely would find it easier to get aid. You should be mature enough to understand you made a choice that really sucks for her. You married a man that has no desire to be her father.

NP -- These three comments above very insightful. She is not fully part of either family unit -- OP's with a step-dad and kids her age who are essentially living a different lifestyle, or her Dad's, in which her half siblings also seem to be living a somewhat different lifestyles. Two families, which are rich in comparison to her and her prospects, each one with one of her parents, and she's doesnt fully belong to either.

And it isnt just "happenstance." OP made decisions (whom she married and whatever agreements they made about how they would handle money) that benefit herself yet penalize her DD's ability to pay for college (she could have qualified for aid if the OP wasnt married to a well-off DH).

So the daughter is lashing out at the unfairness of it all (and that her mother wont even ask her husband for a small contribution). And OP is worried about her daughter "permanently" damaging her relationship with her step-sisters and about being embarrassed in front of her new rich family. (as yes, the daughter has undoubtedly picked-up on that as well). The part that probably hurts her the most is that the OP wont even try doesnt have to be full tuition, but a even a contribution would feel like someone cared.

+1

OP, I hope you are still reading this thread and reflecting on the other points of view being expressed. It’s deeply troubling that you saw no problem with putting your DD in a situation at age 12 where she is treated like a second class citizen in her own home and expected to be grateful for it. While it may only be “a few years” in the scheme of your life, by the time your DD graduates high school, she will have spent a third of her life living with her stepdad. (My own mom remarried when I was 12. My bio dad and my stepdad each paid for half of my college.)

If you and your DH were to divorce, would your attitude be “oh well, we’ve always kept our finances separate. I guess it’s time to go back to pinching pennies and barely get by.” I’m guessing you would view his money as your money and go after half.

You should really let your DH know that you’ve done some reflecting and think DD has been treated unfairly. Show him this thread. I think you may still have time to repair the relationship if you care to.

If OP signed a prenup, then yes. I’m guessing she did because she keeps saying they’ve already discussed and agreed that he would not make any big lurches or settlements on her kid.

I have to say, I’m really baffled by the responses in here. It’s not surprising to me at all that this guy does not want to pay for the daughters education at a school like Williams or Vassar and thinks UMD is good enough. She’s not his kid! And he came into her life when she was already a teenager.

Also not surprising to me that Mom knows step dad doesn’t want to pay and so doesn’t want to Rick the boat.

It’s all very cut and dried.

I can understand stepdad not wanting to foot the bill for 4 years of private, but how about at least contributing some to UMD? If he is donating to colleges, surely he can afford to help a bit. Also, why can’t OP take out some loans to help? She is living the high life and screwed over her kid’s chance to get need based aid. Apart from the college issue, I get the impression that OP views her kid as a problem to deal with. Bottom line, I’m sure that the kid has felt like a problem and not a member of the family. OP gives the impression as caring more about the steps and not very much about her own kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s a rising senior with good grades, test scores, etc. She wants to attend a $$$ private school for college. I’ve explained many times over the years that I can’t afford that. Her father and I are divorced. I struggled to make rent for a long time and didn’t have decent savings until recently. Her father lives paycheck to paycheck and is not reliable either (hence the divorce).

Here’s the part where it gets tricky. I remarried a man who makes a lot of money and he has 2 kids who are a little older than DD. They both go to the kinds of schools DD would love to attend. The thing is, we keep our finances separate and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pay for DD’s education. I just don’t think that is appropriate given that he’s only known her a few years. He hasn’t offered either and I think he would have if he wanted to pay. He can be generous but I know he doesn’t view himself in a fatherly role wrt DD. He’s more like an uncle? Our kids were all teens or tweens when we married and neither of us took on the parenting role with the other’s children. We agreed to keep all of that as separate as possible from our relationship.

So the problem. DD does not understand any of this. I told her I have X amount of money saved and she will need to take loans out for the rest. I also advised her to strongly consider UMD because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than any of the fancy colleges she has her eye on. She is very resentful and bitter that DH is paying for his children’s educations and not hers. I can’t get her to understand that she is being very entitled and bratty to think that he “owes” her hundreds of thousands of dollars too just because she lives with him. He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc. Why does she think she deserves more?

DH’s wife also does well financially and together they’ve given their kids a lot of things I can’t give DD (the latest iPhones, cars as graduation gifts, trips abroad). Of course I understand why she is jealous but a.) she is NOT a part of their nuclear family and she must know that and b.) most teens don’t get new cars for graduation and multiple trips abroad every year. It’s just happenstance that we know these people. I can’t get her to see that how they lived prior to me and DH marrying has no bearing on DD.

How would you handle this? I’m starting to lose my patience with her. She’s been making snarky/unpleasant comments about privilege and so forth around DH and the step kids and I can see she is pushing them away with her attitude.

New poster. Admit I have not read the many pages here so apologies, OP, if this has been asked and answered. Here goes:

See the bold, OP.

So you haven't asked--that's understandable, but what level of communication have you and your DH actually had about this topic? Is there a chance he might be assuming you would be insulted if he offered, so he's sitting there not offering, while you're assuming he wouldn't want to do this, so you're sitting there not even discussing it? In your shoes I'd hate to think that assumptions on both sides could mean you and he are both actually wrong, and DD misses out. I'm not saying he should pay anything at all -- I"m saying it sounds as if you and he haven't discussed it either way. Maybe you worry that even broaching the subject will make him feel pressured. But he surely sees and hears DD's frustration and acting out, no? And he surely knows it's about jealousy over college choice, right? Then the subject IS out there but not being discussed. Even if that discussion is, "I know you see DD is jealous over college choices and I want you to know I do not expect you to pay for DD's college tuition."

As for DD, I really, really hope you do not lose patience with her. Yes, she's being a pain. Yes, she can't be allowed to snark at people. But her jealousy is understandable--she sees kids she's expected to feel connected to being treated differently and though she's a teen that does not mean she has outgrown being sensitive to who gets what.

It might help to use a college counselor who can be apprised of the situation in detail and who can steer DD toward colleges similar to what she wants but at a different price point. Yet a counselor costs $$. Is DD overly focused on very specific schools or is the jealousy general? If you can help her find schools that have the majors she wants but which are less expensive, and she can visit and see them for herself, that could help.

The No. 1 thing I'd ask though is whether you and DH are in full communication about all this (no matter the result--again, he doens't have to pay a cent but might want to contribute something) or if you and he are making assumptions about each others' positions without actually discussing them frankly. Like I said, if this got covered above, it's moot.

[Anonymous]

What happened to OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t this the kind of thing that can be explained on FAFSA?

If she only has access to your finances and you can’t afford the school, she should qualify for aid. I would personally encourage her to go through the whole process including admissions/aid and see where things end up. Schools are very hard to get into these days, even for ideal candidates. If she doesn’t even get in you would have saved yourself the talk.

Source: work in higher Ed elite colleges for over a decade.

FAFSA doesn’t care about what the adults you live with “want” to pay (in her stepdads case, zero) it assesses the families ability to pay. OPs daughter and the daughter of a woman in OPs prior circumstances are being assessed against one another and the need based aid goes to the young woman whose mother actually has no assets, not the one whose mother remarried a wealthy man who doesn’t want to pay for his stepdaughters college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happened to OP?

She originally posted expecting to get sympathy and is unwilling to accept the broad consensus that she is in the wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened to OP?

She originally posted expecting to get sympathy and is unwilling to accept the broad consensus that she is in the wrong

This. OP threw her DD under the bus and made her a second class citizen because she didn’t like being alone and poor. So she’s got a good life, but now her DD is a second class citizen in both families. OP, you are not going to have a relationship with your DD down the road if you don’t do something to rectify this. You need to schedule some marriage counseling to find a way to talk about this with your husband. It sounds like you are too afraid of YOUR gravy train ending to even discuss. I don’t think he should necessary help pay for four years of private college but not helping at all sounds selfish and mean. Because of this marriage (and her dad’s), your DD gets less access to financial aid. That is not her fault but she is bearing 100% of the impact. There has to be a middle, supportive way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened to OP?

She originally posted expecting to get sympathy and is unwilling to accept the broad consensus that she is in the wrong

Sort of. She posted wanting advice on how to get her DD to stop snarking at her stepfather and stepsiblings, but instead she was hearing all about how she screwed over her daughter (true). Which she may or may not have realized when she married the stepfather. Now she comes off as being unwilling to fix it, or at least have a discussion with her husband about it.

[Anonymous]

Is this a Jane Austen book? Where's the handsome, wealthy landowner?

Your poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would love to see the responses were the sexes reversed.

How many would argue that the new stepmom should foot the bill for the dude's son's college?

Virtually no one here is saying the issue is the stepdad not paying— they’re saying by marrying the stepdad OP screwed her kid out of need-based aid, and so it’s reasonable to ask the stepdad to contribute OR to do more herself. Your misogynistic hot take was not very nuanced.

LOL. Misogynistic for expecting equal treatment. You're a disgrace to women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contact questbridge.org about College Match. they might give special consideration to DH finances as separate, and if you really earn very little, they might pay for college

Questbridge is not going to divert money from students who are genuinely low income to pay for this child's tuition.

If DH won't offer nickel, mother earns less than 60k, deadbeat dad they might.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a Jane Austen book? Where's the handsome, wealthy landowner?

Your poor kid.

Actually the mom here sounds like the mother in The Prince of Tides. Married a rich second husband and cares more about not embarrassing her new family than her own kids.

[Anonymous]

DH should be embarrassed that his stepdaughter might report her stepdad is alum, stepsisters attending, but she needs aid because he won't contribute nickel to her education.