How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

So I 17 year old fibbed a bit to her privileged stepsisters who probably do the same day in and day out.
And you are judging her for that? You feel like a failure of a parent for that? Not bcs you are a failure due to your actions, but bcs your kid tried to not feel like an orphan and fibbed a bit?
At 17?

[Anonymous]

Would love to see the responses were the sexes reversed.

How many would argue that the new stepmom should foot the bill for the dude's son's college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would love to see the responses were the sexes reversed.

How many would argue that the new stepmom should foot the bill for the dude's son's college?

Every single one of us would post that stepmom should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would love to see the responses were the sexes reversed.

How many would argue that the new stepmom should foot the bill for the dude's son's college?

As here, I would say that the problem was getting legally married and screwing kid out of aid they should be entitled to. Oh, and as here, I would say dad should have earned and saved more money post-remarriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s a rising senior with good grades, test scores, etc. She wants to attend a $$$ private school for college. I’ve explained many times over the years that I can’t afford that. Her father and I are divorced. I struggled to make rent for a long time and didn’t have decent savings until recently. Her father lives paycheck to paycheck and is not reliable either (hence the divorce).

Here’s the part where it gets tricky. I remarried a man who makes a lot of money and he has 2 kids who are a little older than DD. They both go to the kinds of schools DD would love to attend. The thing is, we keep our finances separate and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pay for DD’s education. I just don’t think that is appropriate given that he’s only known her a few years. He hasn’t offered either and I think he would have if he wanted to pay. He can be generous but I know he doesn’t view himself in a fatherly role wrt DD. He’s more like an uncle? Our kids were all teens or tweens when we married and neither of us took on the parenting role with the other’s children. We agreed to keep all of that as separate as possible from our relationship.

So the problem. DD does not understand any of this. I told her I have X amount of money saved and she will need to take loans out for the rest. I also advised her to strongly consider UMD because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than any of the fancy colleges she has her eye on. She is very resentful and bitter that DH is paying for his children’s educations and not hers. I can’t get her to understand that she is being very entitled and bratty to think that he “owes” her hundreds of thousands of dollars too just because she lives with him. He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc. Why does she think she deserves more?

DH’s wife also does well financially and together they’ve given their kids a lot of things I can’t give DD (the latest iPhones, cars as graduation gifts, trips abroad). Of course I understand why she is jealous but a.) she is NOT a part of their nuclear family and she must know that and b.) most teens don’t get new cars for graduation and multiple trips abroad every year. It’s just happenstance that we know these people. I can’t get her to see that how they lived prior to me and DH marrying has no bearing on DD.

How would you handle this? I’m starting to lose my patience with her. She’s been making snarky/unpleasant comments about privilege and so forth around DH and the step kids and I can see she is pushing them away with her attitude.

I can't imagine a marriage like you've stated. Everything separate. Treating kids differently. Of course that is going to happen to some extent. But, what you describe is a sexual relationship with not familial obligations.

Either your family or your not. And it looks like your two halves are not. You may as well tell your DD her step dad and step siblings aren't family and let her just be done with it.

I literally cannot believe that you would not ask your DH -your supposed partner, stepfather to your child- to assist with the college she wants since a) he can afford it and b) you may have screwed her by "marrying up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would love to see the responses were the sexes reversed.

How many would argue that the new stepmom should foot the bill for the dude's son's college?

Virtually no one here is saying the issue is the stepdad not paying— they’re saying by marrying the stepdad OP screwed her kid out of need-based aid, and so it’s reasonable to ask the stepdad to contribute OR to do more herself. Your misogynistic hot take was not very nuanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would love to see the responses were the sexes reversed.

How many would argue that the new stepmom should foot the bill for the dude's son's college?

Every single one of us would post that stepmom should.

I certainly would. I know women paying alimony, child support to their now ex husbands b/c they make more. They treat their exes wives/GF's kids when around each other (e.g., food). Please get over this outdated role that people would have a diff standard for women in this regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

You've made your bed, hon. Now have a rest in it. It's too late now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't think this through at all. You thought you could marry a man with minor children, and you could somehow keep your families separate from your marriage? You and your DH are both deeply selfish. Why get married at all, then? If you keep your finances separate, then why live in the same home?

It seems like this is about money but it's actually about family. When you marry someone, that person becomes your family. Their family becomes your family. Trust me, I am reminded of it every time I have to deal with my ILs. And a minor child is a more important family relationships than any adult IL. This isn't about not having enough money to send your daughter to some fancy private college. I went to my instate university and have zero regrets -- I graduated without debt and it was what my family could afford. MY FAMILY. My siblings were in the same boat.

She will likely resent you for this, and just remember it's not about the money. It's about being excluded from your changed circumstances. She has already had to deal with her parents divorcing, her mother remarrying. And now she is reminded at every turn that her mother's new family isn't really her family. You did this on your own.

Don't be surprised when she stops coming home, starts skipping holidays and summers, just drops a phone call on your birthday or Mother's Day instead of visiting or sending a card or gift. You moved on. Now she will too.

+1

This. It's not really about the money, or the daughter's sense of entitlement to the money. It's about the way that her daughter is on the outside of her own family. The money is a proxy for these issues.

X a million. This is spot on.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for the kid. Parents remarried and are living a nice life. Step siblings get everything. Screwed out of financial aid because of the remarriages. Poor kid. I would be bitter, too.

[Anonymous]

I think it is very strange you cannot ask your husband about this. If he has so much money, he should be able to contribute something. I cannot imagine having a step kid, sitting on a much of money, and not helping to provide for her education if I could. It isn’t like she wants money for clothes or vacations.

[Anonymous]

OP, how long did you and your husband date before getting married? What’s your salary now?

[Anonymous]

Too many responses for me to go thru again, but did OP tell us what her income is? The ivies are generous with aid for incomes of $70K or less, but I don’t think Vassar would offer that much in need based aid. I would also like to know the child’s GPA and SAT scores. If the daughter has high stats, there are high merit scholarships out there. 8 would suggest College Confidential for assistance.

[Anonymous]

A friend is in a blended family where her DH earns and she is a SAHM. He pays for everything not just for his stepson, but for his wife's mom who helps with the kids. She has her own place paid off, in her name.

[Anonymous]

MY DD got over 30K off from the University of San Deigo. We should not have technically qualified but that made her cost there on par with UMD.