Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP but being blindsided by a cheating spouse means you are completely oblivious with your head in the sand!! There’s noway in hell I could ever be blindsided because I’m too astute to my relationship and my DH. The only way he could get away with anything would be if he was meeting someone during the day M thru F briefly but zero contact after 5 when he gets home and on weekends. I’m sure your Spouse was MIA, sneaking off for phone calls or lots of others unexplained habits. My gf told me one time her DH didn’t come home cause he got a flat tire and she just laughed it off I can’t even handle that kind of oblivion.

Ha. May you be so lucky never to be deceived in such a way.

Nope. He was always at work when he said he would be. I work full-time from home. We did everything together and were still having sex regularly. Zero warning signs.

He never had overnight work trips or went out with boys. We even worked out together and often drive the kids to practices together. He threw a blowout bday party for me 2 months ago, thoughtfully planned.

They met on Fridays during his work hours. In her house. He used a burner email account something I had never heard of.

If you asked neighbors, friends, families or my children if they ever would suspect this—hell no. 22 years of what seemed a happy marriage/family.

Btw, my dad was terminally ill from cancer when he started this up and died last year. So, yeah, I guess you could say I was preoccupied. But, he was a champ watching the kids and talking to them about their beloved grandpa and helping my mom too.

So—yeah—blindsided is pretty apt.

well, yeah, that blows the other woman's theory. would you know if your husband had an hour or so in another woman's house during regular work hours? do you talk to him 24/7 while he's at work?

Sorry I’m not buying it. And the fact you were preoccupied with your father says a lot. I’m sure there was a lot more going on than you even noticed because of this. There’s noway your DH was carrying on an affair only on Fridays!! I guarantee if I was his spouse his ass would’ve been caught a long time ago. FBI agent here and I’ve caught everyone I’ve ever dated with all kinds of spy gadgets. It’s not that hard once you get that feeling. FYI the only women that are ok with an afternoon romp are prostitutes. Just saying.

It's not that. It's just that some people have enough going on in their own lives to watch their spouse like a potential criminal. I mean I can't be bothered to watch mine.

I could not live my life like "FBI" agent poster. I am not so naïve to say that my husband would never cheat, however, what happens in the dark will come to light. I will not sacrifice my own peace by trying to "catch" my husband cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just like wtf? Last thing you would have expected?

What did you do?

My XH’s AP blindsided next, but not because he was a great spouse and we were so happy.

We were really unhappy and he was abusive, but the affair was exactly the sort of thing he mocked —people seeking out their old crush or flame in FB and deciding this person was the love of their life.

The affair freed me of what I saw my vow obligations to him and allowed me to start planning my escape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Friend’s DH cheated on her with no electronic or other trace. He didn’t email, call or text the OW beyond work emails (and rarely) but saw her M-F at work with her Apt 2 blocks away. He was a devoted family man from all appearances, coached DC’s sports team, affectionate towards his wife, great family vacations, etc. This went on for years. The OW told her.

Jesus. This sounds like my situation.

Perhaps I am too cynical but this wouldn't surprise me. At all. That a man can be both a great father, family man, charitable, community minded, and show love and thoughtfulness to his wife and still have sex on the side is very much possible. Men can compartmentalize sex. I think this is far more common than people realize.

MLK, JFK, Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin were serial cheaters, as were many famous people we admire. Whether they are good spouses is a separate question from whether they were good people.

Sex. Yes. Short term. Yes.

Long time affair (2-3+ years)- no. That involves feelings. Like Prince Charles & Camilla

Yes. Spouse and co-worker were "in love." But too cowardly and selfish to let anyone else know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP but being blindsided by a cheating spouse means you are completely oblivious with your head in the sand!! There’s noway in hell I could ever be blindsided because I’m too astute to my relationship and my DH. The only way he could get away with anything would be if he was meeting someone during the day M thru F briefly but zero contact after 5 when he gets home and on weekends. I’m sure your Spouse was MIA, sneaking off for phone calls or lots of others unexplained habits. My gf told me one time her DH didn’t come home cause he got a flat tire and she just laughed it off I can’t even handle that kind of oblivion.

Ha. May you be so lucky never to be deceived in such a way.

Nope. He was always at work when he said he would be. I work full-time from home. We did everything together and were still having sex regularly. Zero warning signs.

He never had overnight work trips or went out with boys. We even worked out together and often drive the kids to practices together. He threw a blowout bday party for me 2 months ago, thoughtfully planned.

They met on Fridays during his work hours. In her house. He used a burner email account something I had never heard of.

If you asked neighbors, friends, families or my children if they ever would suspect this—hell no. 22 years of what seemed a happy marriage/family.

Btw, my dad was terminally ill from cancer when he started this up and died last year. So, yeah, I guess you could say I was preoccupied. But, he was a champ watching the kids and talking to them about their beloved grandpa and helping my mom too.

So—yeah—blindsided is pretty apt.

well, yeah, that blows the other woman's theory. would you know if your husband had an hour or so in another woman's house during regular work hours? do you talk to him 24/7 while he's at work?

Sorry I’m not buying it. And the fact you were preoccupied with your father says a lot. I’m sure there was a lot more going on than you even noticed because of this. There’s noway your DH was carrying on an affair only on Fridays!! I guarantee if I was his spouse his ass would’ve been caught a long time ago. FBI agent here and I’ve caught everyone I’ve ever dated with all kinds of spy gadgets. It’s not that hard once you get that feeling. FYI the only women that are ok with an afternoon romp are prostitutes. Just saying.

It's not that. It's just that some people have enough going on in their own lives to watch their spouse like a potential criminal. I mean I can't be bothered to watch mine.

I could not live my life like "FBI" agent poster. I am not so naïve to say that my husband would never cheat, however, what happens in the dark will come to light. I will not sacrifice my own peace by trying to "catch" my husband cheating.

Not always, if you're not looking for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I do not. I can’t forgive somebody that lied and screwed somebody else for 3 years. The lies and level of deception are far too great. It takes a sick person to do something like that. He is admittedly sick with a host of issues, not just a philanderer.

After intense therapy, he would most likely hold it together for 3, 5 years or so and then start this stuff again. I’m getting older and I’m not going to get another bombshell 5-10 years from now. I also know myself well enough that I will never fully be able to forgive or forget.

3 years is too long to lie to your family and screw somebody else. There sheer number of lies and energy to keep that up for 3 years takes a lot of energy. How somebody could still play happy family and not let on they had an entire secret life is so twisted. What a con artist to everyone- me, kids, friends, family.

NP. Totally agree with you. It's better to move on now rather than another 5-10 years when you find out he's been doing it again for years. Let him live with the new person and let her deal with his crap feelings etc. It's feelings that get them in trouble anyway and they'll develop feelings for someone else just as soon as they're unhappy in current situation.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I’m not buying it. And the fact you were preoccupied with your father says a lot. I’m sure there was a lot more going on than you even noticed because of this. There’s noway your DH was carrying on an affair only on Fridays!! I guarantee if I was his spouse his ass would’ve been caught a long time ago. FBI agent here and I’ve caught everyone I’ve ever dated with all kinds of spy gadgets. It’s not that hard once you get that feeling. FYI the only women that are ok with an afternoon romp are prostitutes. Just saying.

You are 100% crazy town. I know that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Friend’s DH cheated on her with no electronic or other trace. He didn’t email, call or text the OW beyond work emails (and rarely) but saw her M-F at work with her Apt 2 blocks away. He was a devoted family man from all appearances, coached DC’s sports team, affectionate towards his wife, great family vacations, etc. This went on for years. The OW told her.

These types of situations are EXTREMELY RARE! Because very few women will put up with this kind of relationship unless the man is extremely wealthy and if he’s not the women are disgusting low hanging fruit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP but being blindsided by a cheating spouse means you are completely oblivious with your head in the sand!! There’s noway in hell I could ever be blindsided because I’m too astute to my relationship and my DH. The only way he could get away with anything would be if he was meeting someone during the day M thru F briefly but zero contact after 5 when he gets home and on weekends. I’m sure your Spouse was MIA, sneaking off for phone calls or lots of others unexplained habits. My gf told me one time her DH didn’t come home cause he got a flat tire and she just laughed it off I can’t even handle that kind of oblivion.

Ha. May you be so lucky never to be deceived in such a way.

Nope. He was always at work when he said he would be. I work full-time from home. We did everything together and were still having sex regularly. Zero warning signs.

He never had overnight work trips or went out with boys. We even worked out together and often drive the kids to practices together. He threw a blowout bday party for me 2 months ago, thoughtfully planned.

They met on Fridays during his work hours. In her house. He used a burner email account something I had never heard of.

If you asked neighbors, friends, families or my children if they ever would suspect this—hell no. 22 years of what seemed a happy marriage/family.

Btw, my dad was terminally ill from cancer when he started this up and died last year. So, yeah, I guess you could say I was preoccupied. But, he was a champ watching the kids and talking to them about their beloved grandpa and helping my mom too.

So—yeah—blindsided is pretty apt.

well, yeah, that blows the other woman's theory. would you know if your husband had an hour or so in another woman's house during regular work hours? do you talk to him 24/7 while he's at work?

Sorry I’m not buying it. And the fact you were preoccupied with your father says a lot. I’m sure there was a lot more going on than you even noticed because of this. There’s noway your DH was carrying on an affair only on Fridays!! I guarantee if I was his spouse his ass would’ve been caught a long time ago. FBI agent here and I’ve caught everyone I’ve ever dated with all kinds of spy gadgets. It’s not that hard once you get that feeling. FYI the only women that are ok with an afternoon romp are prostitutes. Just saying.

It's not that. It's just that some people have enough going on in their own lives to watch their spouse like a potential criminal. I mean I can't be bothered to watch mine.

I could not live my life like "FBI" agent poster. I am not so naïve to say that my husband would never cheat, however, what happens in the dark will come to light. I will not sacrifice my own peace by trying to "catch" my husband cheating.

Yep and you will be one of these posting this whole “blindsided” bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Friend’s DH cheated on her with no electronic or other trace. He didn’t email, call or text the OW beyond work emails (and rarely) but saw her M-F at work with her Apt 2 blocks away. He was a devoted family man from all appearances, coached DC’s sports team, affectionate towards his wife, great family vacations, etc. This went on for years. The OW told her.

These types of situations are EXTREMELY RARE! Because very few women will put up with this kind of relationship unless the man is extremely wealthy and if he’s not the women are disgusting low hanging fruit.

They are married women that are as f@cked as the guy they cheat with at work or meet on Ashley Madison.

The ones my ex screwed all were married women cheating on their husbands. So they put up with and understood irregular infrequent hookups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP but being blindsided by a cheating spouse means you are completely oblivious with your head in the sand!! There’s noway in hell I could ever be blindsided because I’m too astute to my relationship and my DH. The only way he could get away with anything would be if he was meeting someone during the day M thru F briefly but zero contact after 5 when he gets home and on weekends. I’m sure your Spouse was MIA, sneaking off for phone calls or lots of others unexplained habits. My gf told me one time her DH didn’t come home cause he got a flat tire and she just laughed it off I can’t even handle that kind of oblivion.

Ha. May you be so lucky never to be deceived in such a way.

Nope. He was always at work when he said he would be. I work full-time from home. We did everything together and were still having sex regularly. Zero warning signs.

He never had overnight work trips or went out with boys. We even worked out together and often drive the kids to practices together. He threw a blowout bday party for me 2 months ago, thoughtfully planned.

They met on Fridays during his work hours. In her house. He used a burner email account something I had never heard of.

If you asked neighbors, friends, families or my children if they ever would suspect this—hell no. 22 years of what seemed a happy marriage/family.

Btw, my dad was terminally ill from cancer when he started this up and died last year. So, yeah, I guess you could say I was preoccupied. But, he was a champ watching the kids and talking to them about their beloved grandpa and helping my mom too.

So—yeah—blindsided is pretty apt.

well, yeah, that blows the other woman's theory. would you know if your husband had an hour or so in another woman's house during regular work hours? do you talk to him 24/7 while he's at work?

Similar with mine. Mine was with a co worker and she and him went to a hotel during the day. I had zero idea. No work trips, no staying out let, she had almost no friends, etc.

Same. "How could I be having an affair? I'm home every night." That's how.

Yep. And I used to be like that FBI lady, confident nobody would ever to do that to me. I knew the MO, all the tricks cheaters used and I paid attention and questioned everything. No boys only trips and all that. No separate vacations or away from the family weekend days. No nights out with just the boys. And...same thing happened to me. They do eventually get sloppy carrying the lie and that’s when you find out—with surprise and shock because none, zero, Nada of the signs were there.

As another person said, you cannot believe it unless it happens to you. It has given me the attitude that I know anyone is capable of anything. Some of the mousy (non bad boy) straight arrows in our neighborhood were found out to be cheaters. And everyone was shocked.

Whatever! It’s still not that difficult to catch a cheating spouse. How about checking their phone? But I suppose all the blindsided women think that’s an invasion of privacy? My DH doesn’t have his phone locked and once in a blue moon I’ll check it. If your DH has his phone locked that’s a sign. My friends spouse traveled during the week, home on weekends. I asked her if she ever checked his phone. She responded, omg never, if I did that it would mean I don’t trust him and trust is everything!. Hmmm he was having an affair and she left him. I was so shocked.

Oh, dear. If your husband KNOWS that you check his phone then why would he ever have conversations with another woman where you can see it? What exactly are you checking when you're on his phone? Calls and texts? Are you checking apps?? Facebook, Instagram, Twitter because it goes down in the DMs in case you haven't heard. Plenty men cheat during the work day. Do you know for certain that he's at work every day that you see him heading out for work? I doubt it. One thing I know for sure, is you can't be too sure of anything. If a man wants to cheat, he will and all your snooping on his phone won't stop it. He has an office phone, right?

He doesn’t know I snoop! And I check everything including FB messenger, FaceTime including history, deleted pics, etc.. I am an FBI expert in catching cheaters. If my DH is cheating it would only be with prostitutes during the day. Not an emotional love affair. But I haven’t had any “feeling” of this so I haven’t pursued any further investigation. Because when I get that feeling it’s ALWAYS right. Office phone?? Uh no, we are in the year 2020.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect my spouse has cheated but I can't prove it. I know he is lying about money. He password protects everything. He has lied to my face. But I can't prove it and he continues to gaslight me. I would love to be able to confront him with hard evidence. I would love the FBI agent to share some tips. I know I am not alone.

Ok FBI agent here. I’ll give all you goofballs some of my secrets eventho I should be charging you. I bought about 6 mini digital voice activated recorders. I used Velcro to attach them to places I thought covert convos would happen. Inside car for sure, under his/hers office desk, and places in your house where they might carry on conversations. Under your bed if he’s a real slime ball and he has someone over while you’re away.. These things are amazing and I caught those rat bastards every time! But now with the loss of verbal Communications that’s a little harder. Renting a gps is what I did too. Renting is so much easier because they come already set up and all you have to do is put your login they give you and a password on the computer and attach that magnetic sucker under their car. Oh boy was that fun watching their every move even while I would be talking to them. You really don’t need to rent them long if you suspect anything trust me. Mine was going to massage parlors during work hours. Ugh. You’re welcome! btw if you’re not ready for the truth don’t do it, keep your head in the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect my spouse has cheated but I can't prove it. I know he is lying about money. He password protects everything. He has lied to my face. But I can't prove it and he continues to gaslight me. I would love to be able to confront him with hard evidence. I would love the FBI agent to share some tips. I know I am not alone.

Ok FBI agent here. I’ll give all you goofballs some of my secrets eventho I should be charging you. I bought about 6 mini digital voice activated recorders. I used Velcro to attach them to places I thought covert convos would happen. Inside car for sure, under his/hers office desk, and places in your house where they might carry on conversations. Under your bed if he’s a real slime ball and he has someone over while you’re away.. These things are amazing and I caught those rat bastards every time! But now with the loss of verbal Communications that’s a little harder. Renting a gps is what I did too. Renting is so much easier because they come already set up and all you have to do is put your login they give you and a password on the computer and attach that magnetic sucker under their car. Oh boy was that fun watching their every move even while I would be talking to them. You really don’t need to rent them long if you suspect anything trust me. Mine was going to massage parlors during work hours. Ugh. You’re welcome! btw if you’re not ready for the truth don’t do it, keep your head in the sand.

You need to hire somebody to find you a man because your ability to judge people sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect my spouse has cheated but I can't prove it. I know he is lying about money. He password protects everything. He has lied to my face. But I can't prove it and he continues to gaslight me. I would love to be able to confront him with hard evidence. I would love the FBI agent to share some tips. I know I am not alone.

Ok FBI agent here. I’ll give all you goofballs some of my secrets eventho I should be charging you. I bought about 6 mini digital voice activated recorders. I used Velcro to attach them to places I thought covert convos would happen. Inside car for sure, under his/hers office desk, and places in your house where they might carry on conversations. Under your bed if he’s a real slime ball and he has someone over while you’re away.. These things are amazing and I caught those rat bastards every time! But now with the loss of verbal Communications that’s a little harder. Renting a gps is what I did too. Renting is so much easier because they come already set up and all you have to do is put your login they give you and a password on the computer and attach that magnetic sucker under their car. Oh boy was that fun watching their every move even while I would be talking to them. You really don’t need to rent them long if you suspect anything trust me. Mine was going to massage parlors during work hours. Ugh. You’re welcome! btw if you’re not ready for the truth don’t do it, keep your head in the sand.

You need to hire somebody to find you a man because your ability to judge people sucks.

I betcha most people who think their spouse is true blue would be very surprised using these gadgets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Friend’s DH cheated on her with no electronic or other trace. He didn’t email, call or text the OW beyond work emails (and rarely) but saw her M-F at work with her Apt 2 blocks away. He was a devoted family man from all appearances, coached DC’s sports team, affectionate towards his wife, great family vacations, etc. This went on for years. The OW told her.

These types of situations are EXTREMELY RARE! Because very few women will put up with this kind of relationship unless the man is extremely wealthy and if he’s not the women are disgusting low hanging fruit.

You must not work in Finance. It’s not rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a ton of shock right now. The level of deception —especially during a time like this-has me reeling.

There are no divorces on either side of my family. My parents had a very happy marriage and I had a great childhood.

That’s what I will mourn for my kids and it will change the rest of their lives. My family does big family holidays and everyone is tight knit.

His family is full of dysfunction which I should have cared more about and seen red flags in my 20s. His father was a real piece of work. We’ve been married 21 years.

I feel physically sick to my stomach. And it’s a f@cking pandemic so it’s not like we can go anywhere.

Yes, it is very shocking. How did you find out? How was he having an affair during the pandemic? Making up fake errands or work? Does he want to get divorced?

Fake need to go into the office yesterday having to do with security computer patch. Had been complaining it might be a possibility since Monday.

Are you ready for this? I am looking at my photos (are phones sync) and there is obviously a photo that was accidentally taken of a floor half bed window and his pants underwear on floor and I see laptop in corner all with iPhone date stamp and location.

Things have been good. He was seeing a therapist on his own. He claims because of this and he ended it yesterday. He was working with therapist about coming clean and on himself. Therapy part is true but he had anger issues (not scary) and I now know why he was snapping at kids. Still always trying to have sex, normal in every other way...

Truly the last thing I would expect.

And we’ve not had anyone in our home, wear gloves mask at grocery store, kids don’t have play dates...

And he does this?!?!! Omg. I really can’t make this up and it’s so far-fetched I can’t even confide in neighbors/friends because I have my kids to think about.

No way can I recover from this. I am still in literal shock phase. No prior signals.

I got this story beat, I'm sorry I don't have time to write it out all right now but I could write a screenplay and sell it to Hollywood. He had had been so short tempered, fussy and dismissive with me. We had agreed to go to counseling - in conclusion one day he told me he was going on a work trip and I knew it wasn't true so I put an extra phone in his luggage and did find my iPhone. Only place in the location was a hotel 300 miles from where he said he was going, I actually called the hotel and asked for his room, I almost passed out when the front desk connected me, I chickened out and hung up. I was waiting in the lobby in the morning, %#^ really hit the fan. My 8 year old innocently told me he had been taking her to hang out with this woman while we were together. Things got 1000X worse, he eventually ran off with her. Two kids, at first I was angry, then I was devastated and wanted my family back I would have done anything.

The craziest divorce and custody case more and more crap kept coming out. He realized he made a mistake and a year later comes crawling back but he has to tell me something first. He had a 3 yo child in his country from different woman than the one I caught him with, our youngest was 4 years. A couple of months before I caught him in the hotel I was pregnant and he pressured me into an abortion against my will under the guise he was so concerned about my health as I had lupus and my sister had just passed away from the lupus and my pregnancies are extremely are high risk.

His family all knew about the child and kept it a secret. I had been extremely close with his mother and had to cut her off. To this day he is delusional and insists we are still married and will not allow me to move on with my life. I was a SAHM and was ruined for a short period but I was able to get back into my lucrative specialized field quite easily. I got full custody because he moved across the country for work. I've been in therapy for three years but I'm still quite damaged by thing that he did that I didn't include in this narrative but things are much better for me emotionally now that I have some distance from the events. I am still astounded by his capacity for deception. You are stronger then you know, its not just a cliche.

What's that saying...

"Women are like tea bags... we have no idea how strong we are until we're put in hot water".

Glad to hear you made it out on the other side and doing well.