My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this makes me REALLY glad that my aunt took me in, no questions asked, when I needed some time to transition after college into the job market. My (evil) stepmother had made it clear that I was not allowed to come back to stay with her and my dad, but my aunt (sister to my deceased mom) said yes without hesitation. I was out of there within, I think, 6 months. That help enabled me to take the time to find my "first" real job, which gave me connections to get into a great grad school with a scholarship, which set me on my path to my current career. I would help out a young relative in similar circumstances without question.

Sounds like you were looking to move forward and get a job, at least at some point within those 6 months. It does not sound like that is happening with the young woman in the first post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I never want to get divorced. My children will always be welcome in my home.

Drug use? Drug dealing?
Nothing but online all day, every day, in their rooms or the basement, hoarding dirty plates or leaving them in the living room to clean?
Stealing from family members? Having friends over that steal?
Recurrent verbal or physical abuse of you?
All this while refusing to attend therapy or admit there is a problem?

I mean, you can say MY children would never do that, so I wouldn't be in that position, but this ignores that even the best kids from the "best families" can deal with mental health issues, including depression (sometimes turned outward as anger), anxiety, addiction.

It's easy to make blanket statements. They sound nice and make you feel good, even superior, and they don't get challenged, until they do.

why would you throw someone out on the streets who was suffering from addiction or mental illness? that makes your support even more necessary. a biological parent cannot (should not) wash their hands of them in that situation. actual legal or physical endangerment of the household is a separate issue.

A. I said nothing about kicking them out. That's your answer, not mine. I merely asked about where to put boundaries and when to talk about them -- I came to no conclusions. But you did.

B. Unfortunately, these are often inextricably entwined.

--

My answer would be more along the lines of funding assistance, but not NECESSARILY in the same household. Inpatient therapy if indicated, or paying in advance for an apartment for a certain amount of time, or getting them set up in a group home, or whatever fits the situation. Mind you, as I said before, I am talking about hard cases, not easy ones.

I'm the one who worked my own way through school with multiple concurrent jobs. I've found it east to help young adults who are trying, whether I am related to them or not. I find it difficult to see the right course when young adults are self-destructive, but I know those cases exist too.

If you pretend you can treat all the situations with the same blanket approach, you are living in a fantasy land.

[Anonymous]

^^easy, not "east"

And I've done it multiple times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - she has been staying with her mom. Her mom has been pressuring her to get a job, and I think that's wearing on her. I think she just wants to escape the pressure at her mom's. I do think she should get a job, but my husband wants to give her a little leeway to figure things out (he hopes she will re-enroll in January).

I'm not seeing any where that the daughter is depressed. It sounds like she is just failuring to launch.

What has daughter been doing the last 5 years? It sounds like she has some college and not much else.

Twenty two years old is not a youth. Most kids are graduated from college at 21 and I was graduated from college at age 20 and working full time jobs.

All of us have had to work jobs that we are not crazy about. That is why work is called work.

It sounds like bio Mom is doing the right thing in pushing daughter to get a job.

Rent and work and stay at Mom's or Rent and work and stay at Bio Dad's or military enlistment. Temp agency can get daughter work in 24 hours.

In deference to Step Mom, it sounds like Step Mom has a very strong work ethic (working 3 jobs) and some exposure to Step Mom's work ethic
might be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I never want to get divorced. My children will always be welcome in my home.

Drug use? Drug dealing?
Nothing but online all day, every day, in their rooms or the basement, hoarding dirty plates or leaving them in the living room to clean?
Stealing from family members? Having friends over that steal?
Recurrent verbal or physical abuse of you?
All this while refusing to attend therapy or admit there is a problem?

I mean, you can say MY children would never do that, so I wouldn't be in that position, but this ignores that even the best kids from the "best families" can deal with mental health issues, including depression (sometimes turned outward as anger), anxiety, addiction.

It's easy to make blanket statements. They sound nice and make you feel good, even superior, and they don't get challenged, until they do.

why would you throw someone out on the streets who was suffering from addiction or mental illness? that makes your support even more necessary. a biological parent cannot (should not) wash their hands of them in that situation. actual legal or physical endangerment of the household is a separate issue.

DP..If they don't want the help to get off drugs, what will you do? Just keep enabling them? If they have severe mental health issues, would you not want them to seek treatment? What if they don't want to? You would just let the drug addict live freely in your home, with no job, just doing drugs all day? They will eventually end up stealing from you or someone else to buy drugs. There's such a thing called tough love.

I lived at home while I was going to college and after I graduated. But I moved out as soon as I got a job. OP's stepdaughter is being pressured by her mom to get a job, and that's why she wants to move out. We don't know how hard she's trying. If I see my kids really trying, being open to suggestions, etc.. then I would of course, let them live with me while they look. But, if they are not, then no. IMO, a parent's job is to teach their kids to become independent when they become adults, and that means teaching them that you need a job in order to survive.

Every single one of my four siblings and I had to figure it out because we were low/middle income. My one sibling taught both her daughters to become self sufficient; another sibling didn't teach her son this, and now he still lives at home at 29 and doesn't have a job. She coddled him his whole life, then suddenly expected him to figure it out on his own when he became an adult. Too late by then. That journey starts before they leave for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I never want to get divorced. My children will always be welcome in my home.

Drug use? Drug dealing?
Nothing but online all day, every day, in their rooms or the basement, hoarding dirty plates or leaving them in the living room to clean?
Stealing from family members? Having friends over that steal?
Recurrent verbal or physical abuse of you?
All this while refusing to attend therapy or admit there is a problem?

I mean, you can say MY children would never do that, so I wouldn't be in that position, but this ignores that even the best kids from the "best families" can deal with mental health issues, including depression (sometimes turned outward as anger), anxiety, addiction.

It's easy to make blanket statements. They sound nice and make you feel good, even superior, and they don't get challenged, until they do.

Pp here. My adult brother lives with my parents. He is bipolar and suffers from addiction. I have no doubt that he would be homeless or in jail if he wasn’t safe at home with my parents. He has a job my parents set him up with.

My children will always be welcome in my home. If they were having a hard time in college, I would help them. This is the difference between a mom and a stepmom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

That's the bummer about divorce and remarriage--for the kids of the former marriage(s).

The adults tend to find happiness, new families and routines and dynamics, yet the kids from the former marriage usually end up in a worse situation.

If this was your daughter, from your first marriage, and you were still in that marriage, it's likely a non-issue.

I feel bad for her.

I agree. You need to give her a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We faced a similar dilemma. Compromised by providing very nice, deluxe tent in backyard (safe, secure, and quite comfortable) and twice-daily access to (indoor) bathroom. TIA

You are horrible and probably a liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I never want to get divorced. My children will always be welcome in my home.

Drug use? Drug dealing?
Nothing but online all day, every day, in their rooms or the basement, hoarding dirty plates or leaving them in the living room to clean?
Stealing from family members? Having friends over that steal?
Recurrent verbal or physical abuse of you?
All this while refusing to attend therapy or admit there is a problem?

I mean, you can say MY children would never do that, so I wouldn't be in that position, but this ignores that even the best kids from the "best families" can deal with mental health issues, including depression (sometimes turned outward as anger), anxiety, addiction.

It's easy to make blanket statements. They sound nice and make you feel good, even superior, and they don't get challenged, until they do.

Pp here. My adult brother lives with my parents. He is bipolar and suffers from addiction. I have no doubt that he would be homeless or in jail if he wasn’t safe at home with my parents. He has a job my parents set him up with.

My children will always be welcome in my home. If they were having a hard time in college, I would help them. This is the difference between a mom and a stepmom.

There is a big difference in the situation you are describing. Your brother has a serious mental health and addiction issue. He probably uses to self-medicate as bipolar is very hard to treat.

This adult child has a home, she has housing. She is having a temper tantrum as her mom told her to get a job and she's refusing. Instead of getting a job, she now wants to go live with Dad and stepmom. Moving to a different house with the same expectations will not help the situation. She has never lived with her Dad. Dad needs to support Mom and both need to stand firm on the job issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this makes me REALLY glad that my aunt took me in, no questions asked, when I needed some time to transition after college into the job market. My (evil) stepmother had made it clear that I was not allowed to come back to stay with her and my dad, but my aunt (sister to my deceased mom) said yes without hesitation. I was out of there within, I think, 6 months. That help enabled me to take the time to find my "first" real job, which gave me connections to get into a great grad school with a scholarship, which set me on my path to my current career. I would help out a young relative in similar circumstances without question.

Your situation is different. You were raised by Dad and stepmom, who turned crappy after graduation. It was appropriate for you to return home after college to get a job and money saved. OP's adult 22 year old stepchild has never lived with them. She's always lived with mom, hasn't worked or graduated college. She's been hanging out for 4 years. Mom is putting her foot down and saying get a job. Instead of getting a job, daughter has a tantrum and to try to get around mom's rules runs to Dad. Dad would be undermining mom by saying yes. He isn't helping her. I would not take her in either. I would take you in a heartbeat and helped you.

[Anonymous]

My son struggled after high school. Dropped out of college twice. We allowed him to live at home...rent free. He got a part-time job until he decided what he wanted to do with his life. Once he got his first job, he worked full time and attended William & Mary. After graduating and getting into his specific career, he finished in the top 10 of his class. He was promoted and finished number 1 in that class. Due to working hard and many promotions, his next promotion puts him as senior person for a very hard and dangerous job. He is 37. I am so proud of him. He is married with children and doing great financially. He can retire at age 45....full benefits. No he did not join the service. What if I had turned him away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son struggled after high school. Dropped out of college twice. We allowed him to live at home...rent free. He got a part-time job until he decided what he wanted to do with his life. Once he got his first job, he worked full time and attended William & Mary. After graduating and getting into his specific career, he finished in the top 10 of his class. He was promoted and finished number 1 in that class. Due to working hard and many promotions, his next promotion puts him as senior person for a very hard and dangerous job. He is 37. I am so proud of him. He is married with children and doing great financially. He can retire at age 45....full benefits. No he did not join the service. What if I had turned him away?

This 22 year old is living with mom. She is not homeless. You expected your child to work and go to school, he did. This 22 year old is not willing to work or go to school. She's house jumping as she doesn't like mom's rules. She hasn't lived with Dad.

[Anonymous]

OP, clearly the girl is lost and likely depressed. Perhaps moving in with you serves as a reset and she is able to connect with dad. However, I hope your husband understands that he is signing up for parenting his kid during rough times, not simply providing a place to crash. Also she needs to get at least a part time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son struggled after high school. Dropped out of college twice. We allowed him to live at home...rent free. He got a part-time job until he decided what he wanted to do with his life. Once he got his first job, he worked full time and attended William & Mary. After graduating and getting into his specific career, he finished in the top 10 of his class. He was promoted and finished number 1 in that class. Due to working hard and many promotions, his next promotion puts him as senior person for a very hard and dangerous job. He is 37. I am so proud of him. He is married with children and doing great financially. He can retire at age 45....full benefits. No he did not join the service. What if I had turned him away?

This 22 year old is living with mom. She is not homeless. You expected your child to work and go to school, he did. This 22 year old is not willing to work or go to school. She's house jumping as she doesn't like mom's rules. She hasn't lived with Dad.

Tough love will not help someone who is anxious and depressed. Not saying that’s the case here, but someone has to show enough interest and empathy to get to the bottom of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son struggled after high school. Dropped out of college twice. We allowed him to live at home...rent free. He got a part-time job until he decided what he wanted to do with his life. Once he got his first job, he worked full time and attended William & Mary. After graduating and getting into his specific career, he finished in the top 10 of his class. He was promoted and finished number 1 in that class. Due to working hard and many promotions, his next promotion puts him as senior person for a very hard and dangerous job. He is 37. I am so proud of him. He is married with children and doing great financially. He can retire at age 45....full benefits. No he did not join the service. What if I had turned him away?

This 22 year old is living with mom. She is not homeless. You expected your child to work and go to school, he did. This 22 year old is not willing to work or go to school. She's house jumping as she doesn't like mom's rules. She hasn't lived with Dad.

Tough love will not help someone who is anxious and depressed. Not saying that’s the case here, but someone has to show enough interest and empathy to get to the bottom of it.

Yes, but if she’s anxious and depressed, sitting around all day living in her head isn’t good either. She needs to be occupied - part-time or full-time job, classes, therapy, chores, something. The fact that she dropped out of college, instead of enjoying four years of fun with friends that goes along with college, says a lot. She needs her parents to be really engaged with her to figure out what’s wrong while also getting her out of her head and working towards something.