My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

To move in she needs to be doing something. Working a minimum of 25-30 hours a week, volunteering or taking a class. She needs to be working towards successfully launching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not working. 22 years old. Stalled in life right now (never finished college). My husband says we will decide together. I do not want her moving back in with us. He's setting me up to be the bad guy (he knows I do not want her moving back in). What would you do?

No, no, and HELL NO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd let her move in.

+1 She's struggling to find her way and asked for some succor.

Presumably you married your spouse because he's the kind of person to do that?

[Anonymous]

Do you have communication issues with DH overall? You could try therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd let her move in.

+1

[Anonymous]

Why don't the PPs open their homes to a freeloading young woman???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't the PPs open their homes to a freeloading young woman???

This isn't a random woman; it is her husband's daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For what it is worth we live in a very small house. She never lived with us for more than a weekend at a time as her mom had primary custody when they were kids. We get along fine, i just work too hard and have worked too hard for too long to get to this nice stage in our lives where we can relax and be ourselves to have the dynamic in our home upended.

Well...you did marry a man with a kid, so you never should have counted on that guarantee. Especially before they were all established in adulthood. Your concerns are valid, sure. But your DH has a responsibility to parent his child, and even though she's a young adult it will serve her much better if she has support right now. You certainly don't need to be a doormat, but I do think being generous while helping her launch will go a long way toward family happiness down the road.

This. Some kids take longer to launch and the brain isn't even fully developed until 25. If she had special needs would you think differently? if so, then consider the fact anxiety and depression are mental health issues and so is ADHD. There is a good chance one or more of these things are at play. I would get her help and provide a stable home. Be supportive as she take classes or looks for a job.

[Anonymous]

What bio parents do for young adult kids in these situations. My BIL bought his DS, 22 a house where he lives with his 20 year old sister. Closer to sister's college. Nephew is working at a small store, has issues too, learning and parents were also legally separated. His dd is in college and going slowly to intern for some political career. Both bio parents are on board with this arrangement, as BIL can afford it and their kids need help. Nobody has criticized their decision or told them to kick the adult kids to the curb. There is no step parents involved. We are all glad BIL is taking care of his son and daughter, and hope thing will work out after college didn't. They are not immigrants, white Americans for generations. This is a story I see in any families, my dd is here for the weekend from college to get some sleep. My ds in college worked one summer and earned a ton, one summer he was struggling with depression and anxiety(he has been struggling since 4 years old with these, I post on SN forum a lot) and we encouraged him to get treatment and not to work, he trained for his sport(college athlete) and he recovered and is now doing really well as a junior in college. This is what bio parents do, we never give up on our kids. Do we wish things were better, yes, but we help all the time as much as we can. One day, OP, you will do all this for your bio kid, try to be emphatic for your husband and his daughter. Nobody wants their kids to fail, but when they do we pick up the pieces, we always pick up the pieces as long as we live, if we are a normal functioning loving family.

[Anonymous]

The problem is if she moves in and has no desire to get a job, go to school etc, then she’ll likely never leave. That’s that problem many people are seeing here. Living with mom and dad is not a viable life choice. Getting help with depression or adhd or whatever, while ALSO doing age appropriate things like living with roommates is a viable life choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What bio parents do for young adult kids in these situations. My BIL bought his DS, 22 a house where he lives with his 20 year old sister. Closer to sister's college. Nephew is working at a small store, has issues too, learning and parents were also legally separated. His dd is in college and going slowly to intern for some political career. Both bio parents are on board with this arrangement, as BIL can afford it and their kids need help. Nobody has criticized their decision or told them to kick the adult kids to the curb. There is no step parents involved. We are all glad BIL is taking care of his son and daughter, and hope thing will work out after college didn't. They are not immigrants, white Americans for generations. This is a story I see in any families, my dd is here for the weekend from college to get some sleep. My ds in college worked one summer and earned a ton, one summer he was struggling with depression and anxiety(he has been struggling since 4 years old with these, I post on SN forum a lot) and we encouraged him to get treatment and not to work, he trained for his sport(college athlete) and he recovered and is now doing really well as a junior in college. This is what bio parents do, we never give up on our kids. Do we wish things were better, yes, but we help all the time as much as we can. One day, OP, you will do all this for your bio kid, try to be emphatic for your husband and his daughter. Nobody wants their kids to fail, but when they do we pick up the pieces, we always pick up the pieces as long as we live, if we are a normal functioning loving family.

This. It is all about the family in life, give this girl a chance. She is your DC's family, and she will be around long after you are gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bio parents do for young adult kids in these situations. My BIL bought his DS, 22 a house where he lives with his 20 year old sister. Closer to sister's college. Nephew is working at a small store, has issues too, learning and parents were also legally separated. His dd is in college and going slowly to intern for some political career. Both bio parents are on board with this arrangement, as BIL can afford it and their kids need help. Nobody has criticized their decision or told them to kick the adult kids to the curb. There is no step parents involved. We are all glad BIL is taking care of his son and daughter, and hope thing will work out after college didn't. They are not immigrants, white Americans for generations. This is a story I see in any families, my dd is here for the weekend from college to get some sleep. My ds in college worked one summer and earned a ton, one summer he was struggling with depression and anxiety(he has been struggling since 4 years old with these, I post on SN forum a lot) and we encouraged him to get treatment and not to work, he trained for his sport(college athlete) and he recovered and is now doing really well as a junior in college. This is what bio parents do, we never give up on our kids. Do we wish things were better, yes, but we help all the time as much as we can. One day, OP, you will do all this for your bio kid, try to be emphatic for your husband and his daughter. Nobody wants their kids to fail, but when they do we pick up the pieces, we always pick up the pieces as long as we live, if we are a normal functioning loving family.

This. It is all about the family in life, give this girl a chance. She is your DC's family, and she will be around long after you are gone.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't the PPs open their homes to a freeloading young woman???

This isn't a random woman; it is her husband's daughter.

DP here. Yes, she's the husband's daughter but she isn't the OP's problem. Why should the onus fall on OP to help her to launch? How can an early-20s young adult be comfortable not having a college degree and no work history to their name? What does she expect to do in her 40s and 50s? Still be camping at the OP's? Give me a break. So many people just slamming OP because she's a stepmom but if the genders were reversed, it wouldn't even be a question. OP is honest about not wanting her life upended at home and yet she gets vilified for thinking about her marriage dynamics? SMH.

[Anonymous]

lots of replies already so will just pass along something friend said helped with his DS - he said they did set some parameters for moving back at beginning (so all started same page & DS didn't have to guess expectations), but his surprise was the biggest motivator was starting with no "free" internet access - guess turned out a HUGE motivator for son (and for their situation didn't impede job looking b/c the right match of jobs for DS weren't online posted).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not working. 22 years old. Stalled in life right now (never finished college). My husband says we will decide together. I do not want her moving back in with us. He's setting me up to be the bad guy (he knows I do not want her moving back in). What would you do?

Let her move in but charge rent and she has to get a job full time even if it's mickey d's.