My adult step-daughter wants to move in with us

[Anonymous]

I’m so glad I was able to move back into my parents’ house after college because I was depressed and confused about what to do. It took me six months to find a big girl job and move in with roommates. I really needed that time to get myself together, and I know my parents were worried and frustrated. OTOH I know someone who lived with his retired dad and failed so many classes he just sat around playing video games. He finally graduated with a 2 year degree 8 years later, and he can barely afford his rent now. Clearly he would have benefited from being shoved out of the nest. There’s a huge difference between supporting and enabling, and that is something you will all need to work out together. Set some clear boundaries and expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

You think only "failed marriages" put limits on whether young adult children can live at home rent-free, without looking for a job, and without being in school? Really?

Biological parents in intact marriages want their biological children to succeed. They get their children the help and support needed - logistical, therapy, monetary, educational- to see that they launch. This is not common in broken families and 50% of American marriages end in divorce.

Some cultures do a better job of parenting than other cultures. In my personal experience, White parents tend to be more money minded and less willing to inconvenience themselves for their adult children and vice versa.

My child is not my biological child. So, we don’t want her to succeed.

You cannot infer that meaning from the information given.

[Anonymous]

When your father leaves home, you feel deeply rejected and grieve for many, many years.

[Anonymous]

OP--I wouldn't let her move in. I think your reasoning sucks because it's all about you and what you want vs. your DH's daughter.
That said, the part you have right is that she's trying to avoid adult responsibilities by moving out of her mother's house and into yours.

You can set up all the conditions that you want, but once you have a dependent young adult living with you, and you don't want to see her living on the streets, you're kind of stuck.

Her mom and your DH should pull together some furniture and three months rent on an affordable apartment if she doesn't re-enroll in school by January. Your DH has a responsibility to launch her from her mother's house too--she shouldn't be taking on the full burden of this either.

[Anonymous]

Your DH has a responsibility to launch her from her mother's house too--she shouldn't be taking on the full burden of this either.

No. He has zero control over what his XW does, so he has zero responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a child of a failed marriage,so I do not expect her to have a bright future. Cautionary tale of what happens to the children of divorce, and why not to have kids with irresponsible people. These kids do not have the security of a roof over their head if something goes wrong!

This person is being discussed as if she is a burden on these people's life. I hope she does not have the misfortune to read this forum and self harm herself.

You think only "failed marriages" put limits on whether young adult children can live at home rent-free, without looking for a job, and without being in school? Really?

Biological parents in intact marriages want their biological children to succeed. They get their children the help and support needed - logistical, therapy, monetary, educational- to see that they launch. This is not common in broken families and 50% of American marriages end in divorce.

Some cultures do a better job of parenting than other cultures. In my personal experience, White parents tend to be more money minded and less willing to inconvenience themselves for their adult children and vice versa.

My child is not my biological child. So, we don’t want her to succeed.

You cannot infer that meaning from the information given.

In so many other conversations at DCUM, we read posters referencing "Hillbilly Elegy" and how some (biological) parents DON'T want their kids to succeed or overachieve.

I don't think this is a matter of biology, and if you look at all parents, you'll see that. It may be a matter of class and status, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone considered that she's depressed and needs help?

+1

We have heard from the stepmom. We know why she is depressed. I am

[Anonymous]

I would give her a helping hand, and also try to help her with therapy, career counseling, and part time work. These will all give structure to her life and help ward off depression. It is troubling that she has never had a job, but if she makes some good moves now, she will be better off and be able to launch.

[Anonymous]

This is why I never want to get divorced. My children will always be welcome in my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would give her a helping hand, and also try to help her with therapy, career counseling, and part time work. These will all give structure to her life and help ward off depression.

This is the right answer. It's also -- and forgive me, I don't mean this to be rude -- the easy one. OF COURSE you offer support and help to an adult son or daughter who is willing to try. That's straightforward. What people need help with is what you do when they refuse to engage any of this, and just want a roof and food from you.

It's nice to think they will accept help in the spirit given and run with it. That's great when it happens. The hard questions come when you figure out where to draw the line, and if you expect that is the direction things or going, do you have that conversation at the beginning? Does the current wife or husband of the parent have to stay in the house if this stretches out indefinitely? What if they are being verbally abused by the adult son or daughter? Physically abused? What if there is drug use or dealing? What if other family members are at risk -- other kids in the house, or if the son or daughter is stealing from an elderly family member?

That happens, too. People don't write in for help about easy situations, generally. It's usually when there is some reason to call it a hard situation.

It is troubling that she has never had a job, but if she makes some good moves now, she will be better off and be able to launch.

Well, yes. But.

[Anonymous]

Have Dad or Bio Mom take her to the Army recruiter.
Do another visit with the Air Force recruiter.
Do another visit with the Navy recruiter.
Do another visit with the Marine recruiter.

Take her to temp agency. Temp agency will have her
working within 24 hours.

Rent and job until she can make money to move out or
enlist in military to get her launched.

My Dad was tired of my sister being under employed
after her Ivy League education. He forced the military visits. She has had a stellar career in the Marines.

[Anonymous]

Former poster here....the military will get her trained for a trade and since she has some college she will most likely
test for a better trade.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this makes me REALLY glad that my aunt took me in, no questions asked, when I needed some time to transition after college into the job market. My (evil) stepmother had made it clear that I was not allowed to come back to stay with her and my dad, but my aunt (sister to my deceased mom) said yes without hesitation. I was out of there within, I think, 6 months. That help enabled me to take the time to find my "first" real job, which gave me connections to get into a great grad school with a scholarship, which set me on my path to my current career. I would help out a young relative in similar circumstances without question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I never want to get divorced. My children will always be welcome in my home.

Drug use? Drug dealing?
Nothing but online all day, every day, in their rooms or the basement, hoarding dirty plates or leaving them in the living room to clean?
Stealing from family members? Having friends over that steal?
Recurrent verbal or physical abuse of you?
All this while refusing to attend therapy or admit there is a problem?

I mean, you can say MY children would never do that, so I wouldn't be in that position, but this ignores that even the best kids from the "best families" can deal with mental health issues, including depression (sometimes turned outward as anger), anxiety, addiction.

It's easy to make blanket statements. They sound nice and make you feel good, even superior, and they don't get challenged, until they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I never want to get divorced. My children will always be welcome in my home.

Drug use? Drug dealing?
Nothing but online all day, every day, in their rooms or the basement, hoarding dirty plates or leaving them in the living room to clean?
Stealing from family members? Having friends over that steal?
Recurrent verbal or physical abuse of you?
All this while refusing to attend therapy or admit there is a problem?

I mean, you can say MY children would never do that, so I wouldn't be in that position, but this ignores that even the best kids from the "best families" can deal with mental health issues, including depression (sometimes turned outward as anger), anxiety, addiction.

It's easy to make blanket statements. They sound nice and make you feel good, even superior, and they don't get challenged, until they do.

why would you throw someone out on the streets who was suffering from addiction or mental illness? that makes your support even more necessary. a biological parent cannot (should not) wash their hands of them in that situation. actual legal or physical endangerment of the household is a separate issue.