What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.

If anyone wants your opinion, they will ask for it. Don’t hold your breath.

On second thought, do hold your breath. The world will be a better place for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.

Seriously? You don't think it's weird to just make unsolicited comments about someone's house? Oh I can handle it. But bringing it up is still an a-hole thing for you to do. Good grief.

12 pages and the grievance is finally revealed to be this? THIS is how your parents warped you as a person? Unsolicited comments about your kitchen? Unbelievable. What a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.

If anyone wants your opinion, they will ask for it. Don’t hold your breath.

On second thought, do hold your breath. The world will be a better place for it.

LOL your therapist is stealing your money. Their weekly appointments with you are their time to decompress and listen to someone with truly banal complaints, to balance out listening to the the real hell some people actually go through.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you projected your own ideas of childhood onto your child, instead of listening to him and what he wanted growing up.

Look, my parents were majorly imperfect. They screwed up in many, many, MANY ways. As an adult I understand that nothing they did was malicious, and they didn't know any better. They were broken and had their own horrible childhood trauma that they had not dealt with. They were just human.

But OP, hopefully you can be mature enough to acknowledge and own your errors. Your adult son is much more likely to understand your humanity as a parent, if you accept and own your mistakes. You and your DH are the ones who chose to bring your kids into this world, and you owe them at least some acknowledgement. They, and you, can have a better chance at healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.

If anyone wants your opinion, they will ask for it. Don’t hold your breath.

On second thought, do hold your breath. The world will be a better place for it.

LOL your therapist is stealing your money. Their weekly appointments with you are their time to decompress and listen to someone with truly banal complaints, to balance out listening to the the real hell some people actually go through.

Oh honey, I’m not in therapy. I just have this thing called *Common Sense* that allows mature, intelligent people to grasp basic facts like: “If people want your opinion, they will ask for it. Unsolicited advice is annoying.” I get that you don’t accept that, which is why your relatives and “friends” keep you where you belong: at arm’s length.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.

If anyone wants your opinion, they will ask for it. Don’t hold your breath.

On second thought, do hold your breath. The world will be a better place for it.

LOL your therapist is stealing your money. Their weekly appointments with you are their time to decompress and listen to someone with truly banal complaints, to balance out listening to the the real hell some people actually go through.

Oh honey, I’m not in therapy. I just have this thing called *Common Sense* that allows mature, intelligent people to grasp basic facts like: “If people want your opinion, they will ask for it. Unsolicited advice is annoying.” I get that you don’t accept that, which is why your relatives and “friends” keep you where you belong: at arm’s length.

LOL AGAIN, 13 pages and THIS is your complaint -- if you want someone's opinion, you'll ask for it. You are indeed a precious snowflake. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.

If anyone wants your opinion, they will ask for it. Don’t hold your breath.

On second thought, do hold your breath. The world will be a better place for it.

LOL your therapist is stealing your money. Their weekly appointments with you are their time to decompress and listen to someone with truly banal complaints, to balance out listening to the the real hell some people actually go through.

Oh honey, I’m not in therapy. I just have this thing called *Common Sense* that allows mature, intelligent people to grasp basic facts like: “If people want your opinion, they will ask for it. Unsolicited advice is annoying.” I get that you don’t accept that, which is why your relatives and “friends” keep you where you belong: at arm’s length.

LOL AGAIN, 13 pages and THIS is your complaint -- if you want someone's opinion, you'll ask for it. You are indeed a precious snowflake. LOL

Still can’t admit the basic truth, can you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.

If anyone wants your opinion, they will ask for it. Don’t hold your breath.

On second thought, do hold your breath. The world will be a better place for it.

LOL your therapist is stealing your money. Their weekly appointments with you are their time to decompress and listen to someone with truly banal complaints, to balance out listening to the the real hell some people actually go through.

Oh honey, I’m not in therapy. I just have this thing called *Common Sense* that allows mature, intelligent people to grasp basic facts like: “If people want your opinion, they will ask for it. Unsolicited advice is annoying.” I get that you don’t accept that, which is why your relatives and “friends” keep you where you belong: at arm’s length.

LOL AGAIN, 13 pages and THIS is your complaint -- if you want someone's opinion, you'll ask for it. You are indeed a precious snowflake. LOL

Still can’t admit the basic truth, can you?

The basic truth is that I wasted my time reading posts from people I thought had actual grievances against their parents only to learn their complaints are "Unsolicited advice is annoying."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

This is so bizarre. A fetish?

I truly don't think there is a difference in the way apologies work in a parent/child relationship and any other relationship. Just because a hurt happened long ago and both parties are adults doesn't mean it should never be addressed. It also doesn't mean one party continuously brings it up--especially after there has been genuine empathy and a true apology--or that they blame everything in life on the other person. It's just about basic relationship principles.

This is apparently really fraught for lots of people. It seems like when somebody gets defensive, starts justifying, blames the person who brought up the difficult issue, etc., they don't usually feel good about themselves. They are might be feeling some shame about their actions, or some resentment for not being appreciated, or some fear that if they made a mistake, that means they aren't as good of a person as they thought they were.

I saw that another commenter recommended dialectical behavioral therapy to OP, and I would second that. You don't have to pay a therapist, there are DBT workbooks on amazon for cheap. OP doesn't seem to be able to consider the possibility that it was not a good idea to force her religion onto her child, and therefore her child must be wrong and she cannot be responsible for issues he has. I think that dialectical behavioral therapy would allow OP to realize that she can have made a big parenting mistake and still be a good person and a good mother to her adult child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.

Seriously? You don't think it's weird to just make unsolicited comments about someone's house? Oh I can handle it. But bringing it up is still an a-hole thing for you to do. Good grief.

12 pages and the grievance is finally revealed to be this? THIS is how your parents warped you as a person? Unsolicited comments about your kitchen? Unbelievable. What a waste of time.

lol! My parents didn't warp a thing. They also don't come into my house and act like a-holes. You are a peach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.

If anyone wants your opinion, they will ask for it. Don’t hold your breath.

On second thought, do hold your breath. The world will be a better place for it.

LOL your therapist is stealing your money. Their weekly appointments with you are their time to decompress and listen to someone with truly banal complaints, to balance out listening to the the real hell some people actually go through.

Oh honey, I’m not in therapy. I just have this thing called *Common Sense* that allows mature, intelligent people to grasp basic facts like: “If people want your opinion, they will ask for it. Unsolicited advice is annoying.” I get that you don’t accept that, which is why your relatives and “friends” keep you where you belong: at arm’s length.

LOL AGAIN, 13 pages and THIS is your complaint -- if you want someone's opinion, you'll ask for it. You are indeed a precious snowflake. LOL

Still can’t admit the basic truth, can you?

The basic truth is that I wasted my time reading posts from people I thought had actual grievances against their parents only to learn their complaints are "Unsolicited advice is annoying."

DP. I have commented frequently on this thread about how parents should apologize to their adult children for mistakes they made parenting. I am not talking in terms of any grievance I have from my parents at all. I could tell you how my mom really drove home the point that she thought I was a fat stupid entitled lazy b***h (all her words) all the while letting her kids live in conditions so bad we were taken away by child protective services at one point. I could tell you worse things than that. But I don't think what my mom did to me growing up has any bearing on how parents generally should treat their adult children. There are so many touching stories of parents really listening to their adult children and apologizing to their kids for not having been able to give them what they needed. It heals relationships and it can be so beautiful.

I don't think it matters how small the infraction was. Even if it's something crazy like blaming you for their failed relationships because you stepped on their toe when they were ten, you can still say "I'm sorry I stepped on your toe when you were ten." It's not like you have to say "I'm sorry for making it so you can never have a fulfilling relationship." It's just never going to be helpful to say "that happened a long time ago, I tried really hard, you were a very hard teenager, stop whining." It's not about being right, it's about having a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

This is so bizarre. A fetish?

I truly don't think there is a difference in the way apologies work in a parent/child relationship and any other relationship. Just because a hurt happened long ago and both parties are adults doesn't mean it should never be addressed. It also doesn't mean one party continuously brings it up--especially after there has been genuine empathy and a true apology--or that they blame everything in life on the other person. It's just about basic relationship principles.

This is apparently really fraught for lots of people. It seems like when somebody gets defensive, starts justifying, blames the person who brought up the difficult issue, etc., they don't usually feel good about themselves. They are might be feeling some shame about their actions, or some resentment for not being appreciated, or some fear that if they made a mistake, that means they aren't as good of a person as they thought they were.

I saw that another commenter recommended dialectical behavioral therapy to OP, and I would second that. You don't have to pay a therapist, there are DBT workbooks on amazon for cheap. OP doesn't seem to be able to consider the possibility that it was not a good idea to force her religion onto her child, and therefore her child must be wrong and she cannot be responsible for issues he has. I think that dialectical behavioral therapy would allow OP to realize that she can have made a big parenting mistake and still be a good person and a good mother to her adult child.

Do you just post the same response over and over again, no matter what you're responding to? The comment was in response to "I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child."

I said, to put one's ego aside to take care of the child is NO LONGER NECESSARY OR ADMIRABLE ONCE THEY ARE ADULTS. This has nothing to do with apologizing. I'm not sure why you keep insisting it does. You are a one-trick pony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

This is so bizarre. A fetish?

I truly don't think there is a difference in the way apologies work in a parent/child relationship and any other relationship. Just because a hurt happened long ago and both parties are adults doesn't mean it should never be addressed. It also doesn't mean one party continuously brings it up--especially after there has been genuine empathy and a true apology--or that they blame everything in life on the other person. It's just about basic relationship principles.

This is apparently really fraught for lots of people. It seems like when somebody gets defensive, starts justifying, blames the person who brought up the difficult issue, etc., they don't usually feel good about themselves. They are might be feeling some shame about their actions, or some resentment for not being appreciated, or some fear that if they made a mistake, that means they aren't as good of a person as they thought they were.

I saw that another commenter recommended dialectical behavioral therapy to OP, and I would second that. You don't have to pay a therapist, there are DBT workbooks on amazon for cheap. OP doesn't seem to be able to consider the possibility that it was not a good idea to force her religion onto her child, and therefore her child must be wrong and she cannot be responsible for issues he has. I think that dialectical behavioral therapy would allow OP to realize that she can have made a big parenting mistake and still be a good person and a good mother to her adult child.

That's how it works. Do you think only children who choose to should go to church if the family goes to church? How about eating vegetables? Is it okay to force our kids to eat a balanced diet? Or go to bed at a decent hour so they can get up in the morning? Is that okay to "force" on our kids?

A different person with a different personality would grow up to say, I hated going to church on Sunday. End of story. Not the end of the world. Some people hated how their mothers cooked dinner. Also not a big deal. So the kid was forced to have religion in his life. So what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

This is so bizarre. A fetish?

I truly don't think there is a difference in the way apologies work in a parent/child relationship and any other relationship. Just because a hurt happened long ago and both parties are adults doesn't mean it should never be addressed. It also doesn't mean one party continuously brings it up--especially after there has been genuine empathy and a true apology--or that they blame everything in life on the other person. It's just about basic relationship principles.

This is apparently really fraught for lots of people. It seems like when somebody gets defensive, starts justifying, blames the person who brought up the difficult issue, etc., they don't usually feel good about themselves. They are might be feeling some shame about their actions, or some resentment for not being appreciated, or some fear that if they made a mistake, that means they aren't as good of a person as they thought they were.

I saw that another commenter recommended dialectical behavioral therapy to OP, and I would second that. You don't have to pay a therapist, there are DBT workbooks on amazon for cheap. OP doesn't seem to be able to consider the possibility that it was not a good idea to force her religion onto her child, and therefore her child must be wrong and she cannot be responsible for issues he has. I think that dialectical behavioral therapy would allow OP to realize that she can have made a big parenting mistake and still be a good person and a good mother to her adult child.

Do you just post the same response over and over again, no matter what you're responding to? The comment was in response to "I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child."

I said, to put one's ego aside to take care of the child is NO LONGER NECESSARY OR ADMIRABLE ONCE THEY ARE ADULTS. This has nothing to do with apologizing. I'm not sure why you keep insisting it does. You are a one-trick pony.

I'm the one who wrote that statement and I was referring to adult children as well. My child is always my child no matter their age. I just don't know how else I would say it. "Sometimes I need to put my ego aside and focus on the person I brought into the world?" And I was referring to an apology, so that is why I keep insisting that it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

This is so bizarre. A fetish?

I truly don't think there is a difference in the way apologies work in a parent/child relationship and any other relationship. Just because a hurt happened long ago and both parties are adults doesn't mean it should never be addressed. It also doesn't mean one party continuously brings it up--especially after there has been genuine empathy and a true apology--or that they blame everything in life on the other person. It's just about basic relationship principles.

This is apparently really fraught for lots of people. It seems like when somebody gets defensive, starts justifying, blames the person who brought up the difficult issue, etc., they don't usually feel good about themselves. They are might be feeling some shame about their actions, or some resentment for not being appreciated, or some fear that if they made a mistake, that means they aren't as good of a person as they thought they were.

I saw that another commenter recommended dialectical behavioral therapy to OP, and I would second that. You don't have to pay a therapist, there are DBT workbooks on amazon for cheap. OP doesn't seem to be able to consider the possibility that it was not a good idea to force her religion onto her child, and therefore her child must be wrong and she cannot be responsible for issues he has. I think that dialectical behavioral therapy would allow OP to realize that she can have made a big parenting mistake and still be a good person and a good mother to her adult child.

That's how it works. Do you think only children who choose to should go to church if the family goes to church? How about eating vegetables? Is it okay to force our kids to eat a balanced diet? Or go to bed at a decent hour so they can get up in the morning? Is that okay to "force" on our kids?

A different person with a different personality would grow up to say, I hated going to church on Sunday. End of story. Not the end of the world. Some people hated how their mothers cooked dinner. Also not a big deal. So the kid was forced to have religion in his life. So what.

I didn't say it wasn't a good idea, just that it might have been a bad one. It depends on how it was done and at what age. It also depends on what was taught at church and what kind of person the kid is. Some churches teach that being gay is evil, and yes it is a bad idea to force a gay kid to go to a place where they keep hearing that they are evil even if the parent thinks it's best for them.

It's also the same for a balanced diet, honestly. A four-year old? Sure, it's not bad to insist they eat vegetables. Making a sixteen year old finish his broccoli? I think parents should reconsider.