What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I don't think you heard your mother...she was traumatized that baby you couldn't be soothed and you rejected her affection. New mothers are deeply in love with their babies and their emotions are so huge. She was expressing her pain and feelings of failure, that's deep. She talked about it until she died. Wow you missed that signal.

Hard disagree. It's something for the mother to discuss in therapy and friends, not her child. My mom always recounts how I had colic for a year, and how hard that was. But, she never once has related to it as a rejection of her or anything more than a fluke. Which is what it is. I'm sorry to the PP (above you) that you had to bear the brunt of that.

A colicicky baby can give a parent PTSD. It can cause mental health issues. It doesn't just fade in your memory.

OH MY GOD. IT'S NOT THE BABY'S FAULT.

That’s not what the PP is saying. The PP is saying that parents are human beings and get tired, stressed, sad, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you read the book Hidden Valley Road? Spoiler alert--don't read this summary if you want to read the book. https://www.supersummary.com/hidden-valley-road/summary/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwmouZBhDSARIsALYcourmM9OlUjv7RwKJDMANAQvK9hC_cjIvv1TVsj06j3yq_9zJGCAvbEgaAiTQEALw_wcB&utm_content=144782650207&utm_term=hidden%20valley%20road%20summary&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=18307755797

It's a wonderful but truly horrifying read. It's about a family with 12 kids. Many end up seriously mentally ill. The mother tries desperately to get help for her kids and most of the therapists tell her her kids are sick because she was a "refrigerator" mother, cold and unloving. Except the truth is....she wasn't. The therapists reasoned backwards. All of these kids from the same family have serious mental health issues so they must have had a terrible mother. And of course, having all those kids meant none of them got enough attention. And they looked at all the evidence to frame it to support the conclusion that it was the mother's fault and due to the fact that there were just too many kids. And they did. They write these smug reports about how awful the mother is and how it is all her fault.

Their criticisms of her mothering lead her to go too far in trying to help them. Their problems lead to serious issues for the sane kids forced to live in the same family. They too blame their mother for the horrible childhoods they endured.

Eventually, after the mother's death, it is discovered that the mentally ill kids shared a defective gene and that was probably the cause of their mental illness.

Anyway...the book is a great description of how willing therapists can be to blame deficient parenting for serious mental health problems because they are implicitly biased to look for causes in early childhood and especially parenting.

Most parents do the best they can and they are only one of the many factors that influence their children's lives. Otherwise..it's all Adam and Eve's fault as each generation can blame the one before it.

Thank you for posting this PP. It goes to show you that the smugness and rudeness here is once again, just, well, smug and rude

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

You signed up for this job, and knew the terms.

NOBODY knows the real terms of being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you read the book Hidden Valley Road? Spoiler alert--don't read this summary if you want to read the book. https://www.supersummary.com/hidden-valley-road/summary/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwmouZBhDSARIsALYcourmM9OlUjv7RwKJDMANAQvK9hC_cjIvv1TVsj06j3yq_9zJGCAvbEgaAiTQEALw_wcB&utm_content=144782650207&utm_term=hidden%20valley%20road%20summary&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=18307755797

It's a wonderful but truly horrifying read. It's about a family with 12 kids. Many end up seriously mentally ill. The mother tries desperately to get help for her kids and most of the therapists tell her her kids are sick because she was a "refrigerator" mother, cold and unloving. Except the truth is....she wasn't. The therapists reasoned backwards. All of these kids from the same family have serious mental health issues so they must have had a terrible mother. And of course, having all those kids meant none of them got enough attention. And they looked at all the evidence to frame it to support the conclusion that it was the mother's fault and due to the fact that there were just too many kids. And they did. They write these smug reports about how awful the mother is and how it is all her fault.

Their criticisms of her mothering lead her to go too far in trying to help them. Their problems lead to serious issues for the sane kids forced to live in the same family. They too blame their mother for the horrible childhoods they endured.

Eventually, after the mother's death, it is discovered that the mentally ill kids shared a defective gene and that was probably the cause of their mental illness.

Anyway...the book is a great description of how willing therapists can be to blame deficient parenting for serious mental health problems because they are implicitly biased to look for causes in early childhood and especially parenting.

Most parents do the best they can and they are only one of the many factors that influence their children's lives. Otherwise..it's all Adam and Eve's fault as each generation can blame the one before it.

Thank you for posting this PP. It goes to show you that the smugness and rudeness here is once again, just, well, smug and rude

No it doesn’t. It shows that these kids did a terrible thing. You cannot make any conclusion about any comments on here just because of these kids and what they did to their mother or the therapist who helped them do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

You signed up for this job, and knew the terms.

NOBODY knows the real terms of being a parent.

You know the possibilities, good and bad, accept the odds, hope and plan for the best. Being like, "I raised these multiple kids til they were 18 and it was hard!!" Like, what? You thought it would be easy? No special awards for that, you did the job you signed up for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

I agree. Pointing the finger at your parents is easier than owning your own sh*t and healing your own heart. A therapist should heal not encourage resentment that festers. When young people become parents they usually get an appreciation of how hard it is to be a parent and they get a better perspective on their own parents. Sometimes they realize they owe their parents an apology for their behavior as a young person.

Or sometimes becoming a parent makes you realize what a poor job your parents did.

Exactly. I'm a parent and grandparent. Every age my children went through, I realized even more how horrible my parents had been to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell them to keep working until they realize that whatever you did or didn’t do, scapegoating you is at best an excuse for not accepting adulthood and taking responsibility for building the life and character they want.

Good point. Understand that some therapists drive a wedge within families to push an agenda.

Yeah, all those years in school and professional training and liscensing JUST for the pleasure of ruining lives and family relationships. Makes total sense.

I had a therapist strongly encourage me to cut ties with my mother. She was a spinster with no kids, no DH and no family AT ALL. So it made sense to her to cut ties and go it alone, based on her understanding of life. Therapists are people, too, and the people they are colors their therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

But that pps parent was probably an a hole when pp was a kid. That barbs at how she lives are a continuation of sh1tty treatment by her parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?[/quote]

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

lol! No, PP this person obviously does not get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I don't think you heard your mother...she was traumatized that baby you couldn't be soothed and you rejected her affection. New mothers are deeply in love with their babies and their emotions are so huge. She was expressing her pain and feelings of failure, that's deep. She talked about it until she died. Wow you missed that signal.

Hard disagree. It's something for the mother to discuss in therapy and friends, not her child. My mom always recounts how I had colic for a year, and how hard that was. But, she never once has related to it as a rejection of her or anything more than a fluke. Which is what it is. I'm sorry to the PP (above you) that you had to bear the brunt of that.

A colicicky baby can give a parent PTSD. It can cause mental health issues. It doesn't just fade in your memory.

OH MY GOD. IT'S NOT THE BABY'S FAULT.

That’s not what the PP is saying. The PP is saying that parents are human beings and get tired, stressed, sad, etc.

This is the point of therapy, which so many people claim they have done for years -- it's to figure out wha.t happened and understand it. "I was a colicky baby and my mom worked full time" or "I was born right after my grandmother died, and my mom was severely depressed which affected her feelings about being a mother herself" OR WHATEVER. It's to understand. The idea that is is interpreted as "blaming the baby" is a huge red flag of someone who has NOT had therapy and is still indeed seeing themselves as a baby and their parents as omnipotent instead of human.

[Anonymous]

I wish people would stop using the “I did my best” phrase. It’s lame and deflecting and in most cases NOT true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.

Seriously? You don't think it's weird to just make unsolicited comments about someone's house? Oh I can handle it. But bringing it up is still an a-hole thing for you to do. Good grief.