Reply to What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

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Reply to "What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet."

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????[/quote]

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise? [/quote]

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.[/quote]

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires [b]letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child[/b]. [/quote]

That is the mark of a good parent.[/quote]

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.[/quote]

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. [b]You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child.[/b] Do you get it?[/quote]

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.[/quote]

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.[/quote]

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.[/quote]

If anyone wants your opinion, they will ask for it. Don’t hold your breath.

On second thought, do hold your breath. The world will be a better place for it.[/quote]

LOL your therapist is stealing your money. Their weekly appointments with you are their time to decompress and listen to someone with truly banal complaints, to balance out listening to the the real hell some people actually go through.[/quote]

Oh honey, I’m not in therapy. I just have this thing called *Common Sense* that allows mature, intelligent people to grasp basic facts like: “If people want your opinion, they will ask for it. Unsolicited advice is annoying.” I get that you don’t accept that, which is why your relatives and “friends” keep you where you belong: at arm’s length.[/quote]

LOL AGAIN, 13 pages and THIS is your complaint -- if you want someone's opinion, you'll ask for it. You are indeed a precious snowflake. LOL[/quote]

Still can’t admit the basic truth, can you? [/quote]

The basic truth is that I wasted my time reading posts from people I thought had actual grievances against their parents only to learn their complaints are "Unsolicited advice is annoying."[/quote]

DP. I have commented frequently on this thread about how parents should apologize to their adult children for mistakes they made parenting. I am not talking in terms of any grievance I have from my parents at all. I could tell you how my mom really drove home the point that she thought I was a fat stupid entitled lazy b***h (all her words) all the while letting her kids live in conditions so bad we were taken away by child protective services at one point. I could tell you worse things than that. But I don't think what my mom did to me growing up has any bearing on how parents generally should treat their adult children. There are so many touching stories of parents really listening to their adult children and apologizing to their kids for not having been able to give them what they needed. It heals relationships and it can be so beautiful.

I don't think it matters how small the infraction was. Even if it's something crazy like blaming you for their failed relationships because you stepped on their toe when they were ten, you can still say "I'm sorry I stepped on your toe when you were ten." It's not like you have to say "I'm sorry for making it so you can never have a fulfilling relationship." It's just never going to be helpful to say "that happened a long time ago, I tried really hard, you were a very hard teenager, stop whining." It's not about being right, it's about having a good relationship. [/quote]

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