Husband leaves room to talk to MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

soexcited123 wrote:But why do you guys feel weird about talking to your family in front of your own spouse? Again it's about being transparent in a relationship. If my husband told his family things he couldn't tell me that would be odd. To address the answer some people gave such as the other party not beinf aware other people can hear if someone is married I assume they are probably in the same room so I act accordingly. Not to mention if im married we are all family why would my in laws tells my husband something and expect him not to tell me? A little odd. When my dad's mom called growing up he never left the room because there weren't secrets and my mom spoke to her mil also. Shouldn't the husband be including his wife in his conversations with his mom after all its her family now too.

It would not be odd, it would be completely normal. You sound really merged with your husband in an unhealthy way. Please remind yourself that he is and will forever remain a physically and mentally separate person from you.

No you are not all family. Your husband is certainly family to his parents in a way that you aren't. Accept it. He is also not family to your parents in a way that you are.

No, the husband should not be including his wife in his conversations with his mom. He can if he wants to, in conversations of his choosing. Again, he has and will always have a separate relationship with his mother, to which you are not a party.

But like what would they talk about that is so secret he couldn't tell his own wife? I have yet to see specific examples. If he is telling his mom about HIS personal issues and not telling me that's a boundary issue and a comminication issue like why would he tell her over me. If anything his issues effect me a lot more since he lives with me im with him everyday and we are married. Yes legally in laws do become family once married.

NP here. Are you kidding me with this? His own mother isn't allowed to have, let's see, a conversation around her own personal finances, her personal medical issues, issues SHE's having with other people in her life, her job, etc. NONE of that is any of your business. NONE. You a certifiable whack job or a narcissist who thinks the world revolves around her. Holy crap, that was enlightening, and completely scary, that someone's mind works this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

soexcited123 wrote:But why do you guys feel weird about talking to your family in front of your own spouse? Again it's about being transparent in a relationship. If my husband told his family things he couldn't tell me that would be odd. To address the answer some people gave such as the other party not beinf aware other people can hear if someone is married I assume they are probably in the same room so I act accordingly. Not to mention if im married we are all family why would my in laws tells my husband something and expect him not to tell me? A little odd. When my dad's mom called growing up he never left the room because there weren't secrets and my mom spoke to her mil also. Shouldn't the husband be including his wife in his conversations with his mom after all its her family now too.

It would not be odd, it would be completely normal. You sound really merged with your husband in an unhealthy way. Please remind yourself that he is and will forever remain a physically and mentally separate person from you.

No you are not all family. Your husband is certainly family to his parents in a way that you aren't. Accept it. He is also not family to your parents in a way that you are.

No, the husband should not be including his wife in his conversations with his mom. He can if he wants to, in conversations of his choosing. Again, he has and will always have a separate relationship with his mother, to which you are not a party.

But like what would they talk about that is so secret he couldn't tell his own wife? I have yet to see specific examples. If he is telling his mom about HIS personal issues and not telling me that's a boundary issue and a comminication issue like why would he tell her over me. If anything his issues effect me a lot more since he lives with me im with him everyday and we are married. Yes legally in laws do become family once married.

Actually, no. If I was to die and had no well, the in-laws would get nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to see an individual therapist.

I agree that yes I need to see an individual therapist as well. But my husband isn't completely innocent either we can't ignore the fact that he is allowing his mom to leave me out of family things continuously. Couples counseling will help him learn that in a marriage your wife comes first and how to set boundaries with his mom when it comes to her excluding me. Also it will help him learn how to stand up to his mom when it comes to excluding me.

Or stand up to you so you learn to have normal boundaries with people and allow them some frickin' space in their own adult lives.

Does your finger get tired with all the pointing you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are numerous issues here.
You started off complaining that your husband leaves the room when he speaks to his parents.
You then morphed into the fact that MIL wants to have dinner with just husband and SIL.
Now you're all over how you and MIL should be besties and going to spa days together and love each other like family, just because you and your husband happened to get married.

You have wildly unrealistic expectations. You hit the jackpot if your inlaws love you like their own, but that's just not a given. You seem to think it's just a given that you'll be seen like family and loved like family. It's just not and you're setting yourself up for massive disappointment every time you say that's what "should" happen.

All of these issues got brought up because this post evolved. It is a combination of things that are upsetting my husband feeling the need to keep convos private with his mom. Then its being excluded from a practically weekly dinner and my husband allowing me as his wife to be excluded. Don't you see at all how this would be upsetting for me and how this isn't normal behavior?

No most MILs don't insist on having a scheduled dinner where her son's wife is excluded. Yes maybe expecting her to hangout one on one was a bit much I will say that but planning whole family dinners and purposely excluding one's spouse is pretty damn rude. Maybe that's why I'm being a little pushy here because I am being excluded. No they won't love md exactly like their own child. But c'mon we been together 15 years that's a really long time plenty of time to get used to me and comfortable with me to learn to love me even if it's not like their own child love me as a member of the family. You seem to assume his parents know I'm upset about him going into another room to take the phone calls unless he tells them they don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Ok but usually grown men don't have that much in common with their mom usually girls talk privately with mom about girly things and vice versa with guys and their dads. Also please give me an example of something a husband might want to talk to privately with his mom and not his wife? I usually don't hear grown men telling their mom their deepest darkest secrets

Hi! Welcome to 2020 where your dumb gender stereotypes don’t fly. I talk to my dad a ton. We have basically the same personality. My DH talks to his mom more than his dad. Sometime in front of me, sometimes not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to see an individual therapist.

I agree that yes I need to see an individual therapist as well. But my husband isn't completely innocent either we can't ignore the fact that he is allowing his mom to leave me out of family things continuously. Couples counseling will help him learn that in a marriage your wife comes first and how to set boundaries with his mom when it comes to her excluding me. Also it will help him learn how to stand up to his mom when it comes to excluding me.

Or stand up to you so you learn to have normal boundaries with people and allow them some frickin' space in their own adult lives.

Does your finger get tired with all the pointing you do?

Hey I did acknowledge I need individual therapy as well. But you truly don't see where my husband has any fault. You really think it's ok to be at mom's beck and call and to allow her to have a planned scheduled family dinner that happens almost every Friday where I'm purposely excluded. You really think I should go along with that and that it's healthy for my husband to continue to allow it?

Just because I may be wrong in some areas doesnt mean he is automatically right in every area. I can guarantee that if a poster posted on here being the MIL in this case and said hey I want to plan a scheduled family dinner every other Friday with my son and daughter I don't want him to bring his wife how do I go about making sure that happens the responses wouldn't be well that's an acceptable request. It's ok to exclude his wife she isnt really family anyways. It would be you can't exclude his wife they are married she is part of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Ok but usually grown men don't have that much in common with their mom usually girls talk privately with mom about girly things and vice versa with guys and their dads. Also please give me an example of something a husband might want to talk to privately with his mom and not his wife? I usually don't hear grown men telling their mom their deepest darkest secrets

Hi! Welcome to 2020 where your dumb gender stereotypes don’t fly. I talk to my dad a ton. We have basically the same personality. My DH talks to his mom more than his dad. Sometime in front of me, sometimes not.

Ok but does your husband walk away when it's just you and him to talk to his mom? Does your MIL make you feel like you aren't a welcomed member of the family? Does your MIL have planned scheduled family dinners every other Friday and specifically tell your husband not to bring you? I'm guessing not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahahahah my brother’s wife is just like OP and we have very very similar issues. When in the past I wrote about her (SIL) everyone thought that I needed to stay out of their relationship and that I was a nightmare.
Now it’s all different with this OP.... why?
I agree!!! OP is crazy and if my DH wanted to be part of every conversation and visit witt my family I would not allow it and would have never married him in the first place.
The truth is that unfortunately some men just want peace and will give in to an abusive wife just like OP and my SIL

I agree you do need to stay out of someone else's marriage. Why do you feel it is your place to get involces in another person's marriage? What was an example of something your SIL did that's like me? Did you ever make the effort to include your SIL? Do you just focus on your brother and exclude her and make her feel like the outsider. It's SIL and MIL's like you who I can't stand who expect to still be #1 in their son's/brother's life and can't accept that he has a wife and still wants to exclude her.

That is my brother and I see him maybe 4-5 times twice a year. We probably talk once every two weeks and he has to do it when his wife is not around. She is crazy just like you. Why are you so insecure?
My brother chose to stay with his wife because they have a daughter together and thinks he can change his wife (I am sure that’s not going to happen... fingers crossed)

I don’t get involved in his marriage (except when she attacks me personally). I used to include her in everything, but i should be allowed to also see my brother without her (not in secret). OP, you and my SIL should get together... you would make a formidable couple.
If your situation is anything like ours, I can promise you that EVERYONE (friends and family) think you are crazy and feel horrible for your husband. We think SIL is just stupid and mean... if I were you, I would try to change fast and show everyone that you can be a decent human being

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to see an individual therapist.

I agree that yes I need to see an individual therapist as well. But my husband isn't completely innocent either we can't ignore the fact that he is allowing his mom to leave me out of family things continuously. Couples counseling will help him learn that in a marriage your wife comes first and how to set boundaries with his mom when it comes to her excluding me. Also it will help him learn how to stand up to his mom when it comes to excluding me.

Or stand up to you so you learn to have normal boundaries with people and allow them some frickin' space in their own adult lives.

Does your finger get tired with all the pointing you do?

Hey I did acknowledge I need individual therapy as well. But you truly don't see where my husband has any fault. You really think it's ok to be at mom's beck and call and to allow her to have a planned scheduled family dinner that happens almost every Friday where I'm purposely excluded. You really think I should go along with that and that it's healthy for my husband to continue to allow it?

Just because I may be wrong in some areas doesnt mean he is automatically right in every area. I can guarantee that if a poster posted on here being the MIL in this case and said hey I want to plan a scheduled family dinner every other Friday with my son and daughter I don't want him to bring his wife how do I go about making sure that happens the responses wouldn't be well that's an acceptable request. It's ok to exclude his wife she isnt really family anyways. It would be you can't exclude his wife they are married she is part of the family.

I hope for your sake that you do go into therapy to figure out how in the hell you have positioned yourself as the daughter in law who truly believes her husband isn't allowed to communicate privately with his own mother, and going to the mats with this belief, and then honestly wondering why she wants to have planned events where you aren't allowed. I mean, this isn't rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your MIL doesn’t want you around is very telling. I think your gripe about your DH Wanting to have private phone conversations with his mother are minuscule compared to what’s really going on. I can’t imagine being in a marriage where my DH’s family hates me and never wants me around. I have the opposite with my DH. He never wants to go see his family without me.

Exactly! I'm not saying I'm perfect far from it. But people on here can say all they want about how it's perfectly normal for a MIL to schedule a planned family dinner that happens on the same day repeatedly and specifically tell her son not to bring his wife but I know that's not normal. I know from friends I been around and just being in the world. What is normal is his mom knowing I'm out of town or busy doing something else that day and calling him up and asking him to come over for dinner or whatnot. Not calling him up and saying we are going to have a family dinner with everyone in the family every other Friday but your wife isn't welcome to come

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to see an individual therapist.

I agree that yes I need to see an individual therapist as well. But my husband isn't completely innocent either we can't ignore the fact that he is allowing his mom to leave me out of family things continuously. Couples counseling will help him learn that in a marriage your wife comes first and how to set boundaries with his mom when it comes to her excluding me. Also it will help him learn how to stand up to his mom when it comes to excluding me.

You talk about your husband like he's your doll. No, therapy isn't a method for him to learn what you want him to learn. All of your posts, long as they are, can be boiled down to this one question:

"How can I make a grown person do what he doesn't want to do, and do what I want to do instead?"

The answer is

"You can't."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

Drop everything? What is there to drop? You don't have kids. You don't have livestock (I assume). Are you running an ICU? Really, I want to know what is there to drop in a house with one grown healthy woman.

It's an expression not meant to be taken literally. My point being I don't understand how people on here thinks it's ok for his mom to call him up and say that they are going to repeatedly have a family dinner every other Friday and expect him to leave his wife who is the main member of his family. That just doesn't happen in normal families. I can't imagine any of my friend's husband's saying hey I'm going to dinner with my parents and siblings and this is going to take place every other Friday. My friends would probably be like ok great I don't have to cook or whatever they would say and then the looks or reactions on their faces when their husband says well sorry dear you aren't invited. I can tell you it certainly wouldn't be ok honey go have fun. It would be umm no I'm your wife that's ridiculous.

The sad part is his 84 year old grandma always included me from the start into the family and made me feel like a member of the family. Would never leave me out of dinners. His 84 year old grandma who is from a much different generation accepted me when we were dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahahahah my brother’s wife is just like OP and we have very very similar issues. When in the past I wrote about her (SIL) everyone thought that I needed to stay out of their relationship and that I was a nightmare.
Now it’s all different with this OP.... why?
I agree!!! OP is crazy and if my DH wanted to be part of every conversation and visit witt my family I would not allow it and would have never married him in the first place.
The truth is that unfortunately some men just want peace and will give in to an abusive wife just like OP and my SIL

I agree you do need to stay out of someone else's marriage. Why do you feel it is your place to get involces in another person's marriage? What was an example of something your SIL did that's like me? Did you ever make the effort to include your SIL? Do you just focus on your brother and exclude her and make her feel like the outsider. It's SIL and MIL's like you who I can't stand who expect to still be #1 in their son's/brother's life and can't accept that he has a wife and still wants to exclude her.

That is my brother and I see him maybe 4-5 times twice a year. We probably talk once every two weeks and he has to do it when his wife is not around. She is crazy just like you. Why are you so insecure?
My brother chose to stay with his wife because they have a daughter together and thinks he can change his wife (I am sure that’s not going to happen... fingers crossed)

I don’t get involved in his marriage (except when she attacks me personally). I used to include her in everything, but i should be allowed to also see my brother without her (not in secret). OP, you and my SIL should get together... you would make a formidable couple.
If your situation is anything like ours, I can promise you that EVERYONE (friends and family) think you are crazy and feel horrible for your husband. We think SIL is just stupid and mean... if I were you, I would try to change fast and show everyone that you can be a decent human being

You said you used to include her and then you stopped well that is pretty telling. She is probably wondering why you stopped including her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

soexcited123 wrote:But why do you guys feel weird about talking to your family in front of your own spouse? Again it's about being transparent in a relationship. If my husband told his family things he couldn't tell me that would be odd. To address the answer some people gave such as the other party not beinf aware other people can hear if someone is married I assume they are probably in the same room so I act accordingly. Not to mention if im married we are all family why would my in laws tells my husband something and expect him not to tell me? A little odd. When my dad's mom called growing up he never left the room because there weren't secrets and my mom spoke to her mil also. Shouldn't the husband be including his wife in his conversations with his mom after all its her family now too.

It would not be odd, it would be completely normal. You sound really merged with your husband in an unhealthy way. Please remind yourself that he is and will forever remain a physically and mentally separate person from you.

No you are not all family. Your husband is certainly family to his parents in a way that you aren't. Accept it. He is also not family to your parents in a way that you are.

No, the husband should not be including his wife in his conversations with his mom. He can if he wants to, in conversations of his choosing. Again, he has and will always have a separate relationship with his mother, to which you are not a party.

But like what would they talk about that is so secret he couldn't tell his own wife? I have yet to see specific examples. If he is telling his mom about HIS personal issues and not telling me that's a boundary issue and a comminication issue like why would he tell her over me. If anything his issues effect me a lot more since he lives with me im with him everyday and we are married. Yes legally in laws do become family once married.

You don't need specific examples. I mean if someone gave you examples, all you'd do is argue.

He can talk to his mother as much as he likes and about whatever he likes. It's not a boundary issue, a boundary issue is you trying to get in the middle of mother and son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

Drop everything? What is there to drop? You don't have kids. You don't have livestock (I assume). Are you running an ICU? Really, I want to know what is there to drop in a house with one grown healthy woman.

It's an expression not meant to be taken literally. My point being I don't understand how people on here thinks it's ok for his mom to call him up and say that they are going to repeatedly have a family dinner every other Friday and expect him to leave his wife who is the main member of his family. That just doesn't happen in normal families. I can't imagine any of my friend's husband's saying hey I'm going to dinner with my parents and siblings and this is going to take place every other Friday. My friends would probably be like ok great I don't have to cook or whatever they would say and then the looks or reactions on their faces when their husband says well sorry dear you aren't invited. I can tell you it certainly wouldn't be ok honey go have fun. It would be umm no I'm your wife that's ridiculous.

The sad part is his 84 year old grandma always included me from the start into the family and made me feel like a member of the family. Would never leave me out of dinners. His 84 year old grandma who is from a much different generation accepted me when we were dating.

Why don't you take her to lunch and ask her why they don't include you? Or better yet, apologize for your crazy behavior to date and say I want to be better and I'd like to join you guys?