Husband leaves room to talk to MIL

[Anonymous]

You really need to see an individual therapist.

[Anonymous]

soexcited123 wrote:But why do you guys feel weird about talking to your family in front of your own spouse? Again it's about being transparent in a relationship. If my husband told his family things he couldn't tell me that would be odd. To address the answer some people gave such as the other party not beinf aware other people can hear if someone is married I assume they are probably in the same room so I act accordingly. Not to mention if im married we are all family why would my in laws tells my husband something and expect him not to tell me? A little odd. When my dad's mom called growing up he never left the room because there weren't secrets and my mom spoke to her mil also. Shouldn't the husband be including his wife in his conversations with his mom after all its her family now too.

It would not be odd, it would be completely normal. You sound really merged with your husband in an unhealthy way. Please remind yourself that he is and will forever remain a physically and mentally separate person from you.

No you are not all family. Your husband is certainly family to his parents in a way that you aren't. Accept it. He is also not family to your parents in a way that you are.

No, the husband should not be including his wife in his conversations with his mom. He can if he wants to, in conversations of his choosing. Again, he has and will always have a separate relationship with his mother, to which you are not a party.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

You sound nuttier and nuttier with each post. Please don't have children. Although hopefully your DH will have divorced you before then. Reread your post, you're going to keep your children away from THEIR GRANDMOTHER because she doesn't take you out for spa days, she wants one on one time with her son, and her son talks to her privately. If you really don't want your kid around toxic people, don't have them. While I don't think you share 100% of the blame, you do seem to be overreacting, overreaching, and unabl eto see things beyond black and white. Please get help.

This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

If she wants alone time with her son howcome she doesn't even want alone time with her DIL?

Because she doesn’t love you and never will.

Wow that was rude and hurtful. How do you know she will never love me

Lady, you're not really her family! How is this not clear to you? If you and your husband divorced, you and she would have no relationship. Look, if we're lucky, we love our in-laws (though NEVER as much as our actual flesh and blood). Hopefully, we like them well enough. If we don't like them, we keep our heads down and minimize contact. Sounds like she's doing the third. Do you actually have a relationship with her? Do you pick up the phone and chat? No? Sounds like neither side is too keen on the other. You just want to claim that you've "won" by controlling your husband's relationship with her.

What? That's false yes in laws are considered family. I also think it isnt true that you can never love your in laws as much as your own flesh abd blood. The fact that you put never in all caps shows you have some really strong feelings regarding your stance on that for some reason. Having the same genetic links or DNA doesn't automatically equal love or closeness and yes the same applies to in laws automatically being married to their child/sibling doesn't automatically mean you love them either but that isn't because they don't share blood with you. Thats some serious black and white thinking and a little naive to think blood = love and closeness.

My dad's mom truly loved my mom like a daughter (I say loved because my grandma passed away sadly) my grandma considered her very much her family. I have even seen couples divorce and they stay close to their in laws. Or where the MIL and FIL say you may have divorced my son or daughter but I will always consider you part of my family.

This is clearly not what you have here. Did you not realize that while you dated your now DH for years? Did you think getting married would magically change that? Also, your DH plays a role here. There is no way my DH would go to a family dinner every other week if I wasn’t invited.

You and your DH probably have a healthy relationship. He's probably allowed to visit and communicate with his family without your supervision.
Your in laws probably don't think you are abusive.

You probably don't become bizarrely combative at the drop of a hat.
Your in laws probably at least like you.

[Anonymous]

There are numerous issues here.
You started off complaining that your husband leaves the room when he speaks to his parents.
You then morphed into the fact that MIL wants to have dinner with just husband and SIL.
Now you're all over how you and MIL should be besties and going to spa days together and love each other like family, just because you and your husband happened to get married.

You have wildly unrealistic expectations. You hit the jackpot if your inlaws love you like their own, but that's just not a given. You seem to think it's just a given that you'll be seen like family and loved like family. It's just not and you're setting yourself up for massive disappointment every time you say that's what "should" happen.

If you indeed control your husband's private access to his parents, I can see how the response might be that we will do the same, and have dinners without you. That would be a very natural response to a controlling spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

Drop everything? What is there to drop? You don't have kids. You don't have livestock (I assume). Are you running an ICU? Really, I want to know what is there to drop in a house with one grown healthy woman.

[Anonymous]

Seems clear to me that this troll is the well known prolific troll and she has clearly also met her goal already so everyone can stop now.

[Anonymous]

The fact that your MIL doesn’t want you around is very telling. I think your gripe about your DH Wanting to have private phone conversations with his mother are minuscule compared to what’s really going on. I can’t imagine being in a marriage where my DH’s family hates me and never wants me around. I have the opposite with my DH. He never wants to go see his family without me.

[Anonymous]

OP is a known troll. She’s the one that posted about her sister-in-law being mad at her about a Facebook comment.
That said, I’ll bite.
I go into the other room to talk to my mother. It’s not that there’s something I’m hiding from my husband. I Want to focus on my conversation with my mom. It’s hard for me to focus on a phone conversation when I’m in a room with other people. I also don’t need my husband interjecting in my conversation. Which he will. If I have a different opinion on some item he will roll his eyes, or make loud sigh, or make a goofy face. Or sometimes he’s making a noises just doing chores and making it difficult for me to hear - not purposely, just going about his routine.
OP - you need to realize not everything is about you.

[Anonymous]

Ahahahah my brother’s wife is just like OP and we have very very similar issues. When in the past I wrote about her (SIL) everyone thought that I needed to stay out of their relationship and that I was a nightmare.
Now it’s all different with this OP.... why?
I agree!!! OP is crazy and if my DH wanted to be part of every conversation and visit witt my family I would not allow it and would have never married him in the first place.
The truth is that unfortunately some men just want peace and will give in to an abusive wife just like OP and my SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to see an individual therapist.

I agree that yes I need to see an individual therapist as well. But my husband isn't completely innocent either we can't ignore the fact that he is allowing his mom to leave me out of family things continuously. Couples counseling will help him learn that in a marriage your wife comes first and how to set boundaries with his mom when it comes to her excluding me. Also it will help him learn how to stand up to his mom when it comes to excluding me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ahahahah my brother’s wife is just like OP and we have very very similar issues. When in the past I wrote about her (SIL) everyone thought that I needed to stay out of their relationship and that I was a nightmare.
Now it’s all different with this OP.... why?
I agree!!! OP is crazy and if my DH wanted to be part of every conversation and visit witt my family I would not allow it and would have never married him in the first place.
The truth is that unfortunately some men just want peace and will give in to an abusive wife just like OP and my SIL

I agree you do need to stay out of someone else's marriage. Why do you feel it is your place to get involces in another person's marriage? What was an example of something your SIL did that's like me? Did you ever make the effort to include your SIL? Do you just focus on your brother and exclude her and make her feel like the outsider. It's SIL and MIL's like you who I can't stand who expect to still be #1 in their son's/brother's life and can't accept that he has a wife and still wants to exclude her.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings OP? Do you not do things just with them?

My sisters and I and our mom sometimes have lunch and dinner together no husbands.

Husbands also can their moms and talk privately and visit them without the wives.

Yes i have one younger brother. Yes it's one thing having lunch or sinner together but his mom specifically singled me out and is making this a reoccurring every other Friday night thing. This isn't a hey I live far away I havent seen you in a while I wanna catch up just you. This is a explicit let's exclude your wife from a family dinner every other Friday. Didn't she ever stop and think her son may want to be with his wife on friday nights and not leave her? Also Friday night is date night. I feel like a doormat if I just constantly accept this treatment of exclusion. Like okay honey go out again while they all exclude me. To me it feels like they are saying she isn't "real" family so she gets left out. What happens when we have kids? Am I going to be expected to just sit back and be left alone with the kids and no help every other Friday while my husband goes back to his family of origin or will I suddenly be deemed good enough to come because I bore grandchildren for my MIL?

If your replies here are an indication of how you behave with them I can see why they don't want you to come.

You never answered any of my questions though. What about if we have kids? What about MIL not stopping to think maybe her son doesn't want to leave his wife every other Friday. There is no consideration by mil for my feelings at all. Or maybe I respond like this because they exclude me. C'mon I can't take 100% of the blame here. If I posted as my MIL here I can guarantee the responses would not be supporting me but instead saying you can't expect your son to leave his wife out of family conversations and they are married you can't exclude his wife every other weekend she is his main family

I did answer your question. You sound like a nightmare, and make it difficult for your husband to have a relationship with his family. I suspect that you talk over him and answer for him.

They realize he's in an abusive relationship, but don't know how to deal with it.

What do you mean by I talk over him and answer for him? Please explain what you mean. Did you ever think maybe my in laws excluding me is the reason for my behavior? I don't know why all the blame automatically lies on me you aren't there so you can't act like they are 100% innocent while im 100% wrong. Growing up my parents were never left out of family functions with in laws on either side.

I already gave some specific examples of ways his family excludes me. It isn't a one off thing. It is constant. MIL has never invited just me out for a girls day or made me feel welcome like the bday thing for example. This just isn't a normal way for a MIL to make a DIL feel welcome into the family by acting like her family of origin hasn't grown and that her son doesn't have a family of his own. In marriage you leave and cleave and forsake all others. If this was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship of 2 years then yes it would be out of line to expect this but that is what makes a marriage different than that is you are now family.

Again like I mentioned before somehow I think once my husband and I have children MIL is the type of person who will suddenly want me around because I would have provided her with grandchildren. But I can guarantee one thing if she can't respect and include me now then those grandchildren won't be coming around her.

I refuse to bring my children around toxic people family or not who don't respect me and my role in my husband's life. I am more than an incubator and I'm not going to play the fool. If I'm not good enough to be included in their little family now I'm not good enough once I have children. So really mil is shooting herself in the foot. Seeing grandchildren as far as I'm concerned is a privilege not a right.

You sound nuttier and nuttier with each post. Please don't have children. Although hopefully your DH will have divorced you before then. Reread your post, you're going to keep your children away from THEIR GRANDMOTHER because she doesn't take you out for spa days, she wants one on one time with her son, and her son talks to her privately. If you really don't want your kid around toxic people, don't have them. While I don't think you share 100% of the blame, you do seem to be overreacting, overreaching, and unabl eto see things beyond black and white. Please get help.

This isn't just once in a while. If you read my post correctly you would have seen I said every other Friday she expects him to drop everything leave me at home and have dinner with her. That's pretty often to leave out his wife. This isn't alone time it's with his sister his dad its basically saying twice a month they are going to have the whole family out to dinner and recreate the family of origin while excluding me. Yes that's hurtful. I wouldn't let her grandchildren see her I said not because she doesn't take me out for spa days and whatnot but because she excluded their mother from family events and doesn't respect my role as wife. Once you marry your spouse becomes the most important person and they come first. I just don't see many grown men spending one on one time with their mother especially leaving out their wife.

Like I stated she is the type once I provide her with grandchildren she will suddenly include me more which shows she only sees me as an incubator for her grandchildren. Does your husband's mother ever call him up and say she just wants him to come for lunch or dinner and not you?

If she wants alone time with her son howcome she doesn't even want alone time with her DIL?

Because she doesn’t love you and never will.

Jesus lady, most people don’t want one on one time with their MILs. You aren’t missing anything.

And if your MIL wants her son to come home for Dinner 2x a month without you, guess what it’s your DHs responsibility to set her straight. Has he done that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

soexcited123 wrote:But why do you guys feel weird about talking to your family in front of your own spouse? Again it's about being transparent in a relationship. If my husband told his family things he couldn't tell me that would be odd. To address the answer some people gave such as the other party not beinf aware other people can hear if someone is married I assume they are probably in the same room so I act accordingly. Not to mention if im married we are all family why would my in laws tells my husband something and expect him not to tell me? A little odd. When my dad's mom called growing up he never left the room because there weren't secrets and my mom spoke to her mil also. Shouldn't the husband be including his wife in his conversations with his mom after all its her family now too.

It would not be odd, it would be completely normal. You sound really merged with your husband in an unhealthy way. Please remind yourself that he is and will forever remain a physically and mentally separate person from you.

No you are not all family. Your husband is certainly family to his parents in a way that you aren't. Accept it. He is also not family to your parents in a way that you are.

No, the husband should not be including his wife in his conversations with his mom. He can if he wants to, in conversations of his choosing. Again, he has and will always have a separate relationship with his mother, to which you are not a party.

But like what would they talk about that is so secret he couldn't tell his own wife? I have yet to see specific examples. If he is telling his mom about HIS personal issues and not telling me that's a boundary issue and a comminication issue like why would he tell her over me. If anything his issues effect me a lot more since he lives with me im with him everyday and we are married. Yes legally in laws do become family once married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait is OP the same nutjob who is convinced that once they are married everything is always the two of them. No relationships with family can exist unless both are included. She posted recently but maybe now has a username

Yes I was just thinking the same thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait is OP the same nutjob who is convinced that once they are married everything is always the two of them. No relationships with family can exist unless both are included. She posted recently but maybe now has a username

Yes I was just thinking the same thing

I really feel like this is it. Who's going to ask Jeff?