Husband leaves room to talk to MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That's literally what I originally said was that I am going to tell my DH not to go to his parents about our marital issues and you turned around and said my children can talk to me about their marital issues like ok... your point is?

But by listening to your kid's marital problems you are automatically putting yourself in the middle of someone else's marital issues. That's literally the definition of being "in the middle" when I listen to two friends/family members talk about their relationship/marital issues I become the middle person. I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell your children talk about it with your spouse.

I would definitely be pretty pissed if my MIL indulged DH in him talking to her about our personal issues.

You understanding this is not really any concern of mine. Continue not understanding if you wish.

You being not pissed off is also not any priority of mine.

Again, if you didn't understand the first time - my son will be free to talk to me about anything he wants for as long as he wants. Or not. It will all be up to him. Not his wife. Him. What his wife thinks isn't really important. Same for my daughter.

You're like a little toddler who stomps his feet when he discovers the world is not as he wishes it to be.

So you won't care at all about your FDIL's feelings? Nice...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband left Friday night. Saturday my friends all had plans. Sunday afternoon I went to brunch with some of my girls. I have invited my SIL and MIL to brunch or girls days before and they either say no or they go a couple weeks later and never invite me. I don't expect to be invited obviously every time they go out as mother and daughter but it would be nice to be invited sometime as a DIL/SIL. I just feel like when I'm never invited it's like they don't see me as a member of the family AT ALL and its hurtful.

Your MIL and SIL do not consider you good company. Why is that?

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying I never play a role but c'mon you can't seriously claim this is normal behavior to act towards someone married into the family to insist to your son he can't bring his wife to a family dinner 2x a month. You guys talk about me putting him in between him and his mom well by his mom telling my husband not to invite me she is putting herself in between her son and his wife. Your parents and siblings become your extended family and your spouse and any children you have are now your main family.

No. Your parents always remain your core family. Clearly your husband agrees!

Anonymous wrote:To me once you're married you stick by your spouse and they come first they are your main family now. I would never dream (hypothetically speaking) if I had a grown son to put him in a position of choosing between me and his wife and I would never dream of telling him he can't bring her and i wohld expect him to choose his wife every time. Once married they are your main family along with any children you choose to have.

It doesn't matter what it is to you, it matters how it is to your husband. It doesn't sound like he considers you his main family. It also doesn't seem like his family became his "extended" family.

Anonymous wrote:Again what if we had kids would he be expected to go to these family dinners and not bring me? Therefore expecting me to tend to the guys by myself almost every Friday while my husband gets to sit back and enjoy wine and dinner with his family of origin? How is that fair to me? I dunno I just feel like the minute his mother told him not to bring me he should have stood up for me and said mom I'm sorry I can't exclude my wife shr is my main family and therefore can't be left out of a family dinner. I love you and want to spend time with you but not at the exclusion of my wife just about every Friday.

Perhaps if you had kids, your value to the family would increase. Time will tell.

So what you're saying is even though we are MARRIED and im a member of the family I have to accept that my husband is going to family dinners every other Friday that never include me as his wife I just have to accept this and not say a word to my husband? But if once I have children I may be invitdd because me popping out babies deems me good enough to be a member of the family. So all I'm good for in the eyes of my husband's family is being a baby making machine? So my value as a wife is if I pop out kids. What freaking year are we in 1950? I'm going to assume your post was sarcastic or you are a troll because no one in their right mind can possibly think this way

You don't agree that a husband's main family once married is his wife? You really think parents/siblings are still his main family and not his wife? That he should prioritize them over his wife? I didn't realize he made vows with his parents and siblings or that he was sharing his life and house with them or having children with them? My bad.

None said that you should not be the priority and you are 13 days out of 14... I think it’s totally fair that one day every two weeks his mom and siblings are his priority... there is something really wrong with you if you cannot understand this

They can be a priority without excluding me. In my circle/area spouses are always included in family dinners. You truly don't see any issue with MIL saying don't bring your wife? Or my husband just being like ok mommy and not saying I'm not going to exclude my wife.

[Anonymous]

I think that most of the posters here fussing at OP are themselves engaged in inappropriate relationships with their sons, and need to justify their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So what you're saying is even though we are MARRIED and im a member of the family I have to accept that my husband is going to family dinners every other Friday that never include me as his wife I just have to accept this and not say a word to my husband? But if once I have children I may be invitdd because me popping out babies deems me good enough to be a member of the family. So all I'm good for in the eyes of my husband's family is being a baby making machine? So my value as a wife is if I pop out kids. What freaking year are we in 1950? I'm going to assume your post was sarcastic or you are a troll because no one in their right mind can possibly think this way

You don't agree that a husband's main family once married is his wife? You really think parents/siblings are still his main family and not his wife? That he should prioritize them over his wife? I didn't realize he made vows with his parents and siblings or that he was sharing his life and house with them or having children with them? My bad.

Yes, having children with my son makes you more important to the family vs. not, I don't really know why this needs to be explained.

I don't know what vows you shared. You don't have any children.

Wives come and go. Parents are permanent. I mean you've only been married for two years and look at the airs you're putting on.

Well I'm glad I live in the year 2020 and not the year 1950 where a women's worth is more than just having babies. What if she is child free by choice or she medically can't conceive? Would your DIL never be deemed good enough to be family in your eyes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think that most of the posters here fussing at OP are themselves engaged in inappropriate relationships with their sons, and need to justify their behavior.

Haha yeah I pretty much cracked up at the one poster living in the 1950s when she pretty much said a women's self worth is based on if she pips out babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband left Friday night. Saturday my friends all had plans. Sunday afternoon I went to brunch with some of my girls. I have invited my SIL and MIL to brunch or girls days before and they either say no or they go a couple weeks later and never invite me. I don't expect to be invited obviously every time they go out as mother and daughter but it would be nice to be invited sometime as a DIL/SIL. I just feel like when I'm never invited it's like they don't see me as a member of the family AT ALL and its hurtful.

Your MIL and SIL do not consider you good company. Why is that?

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying I never play a role but c'mon you can't seriously claim this is normal behavior to act towards someone married into the family to insist to your son he can't bring his wife to a family dinner 2x a month. You guys talk about me putting him in between him and his mom well by his mom telling my husband not to invite me she is putting herself in between her son and his wife. Your parents and siblings become your extended family and your spouse and any children you have are now your main family.

No. Your parents always remain your core family. Clearly your husband agrees!

Anonymous wrote:To me once you're married you stick by your spouse and they come first they are your main family now. I would never dream (hypothetically speaking) if I had a grown son to put him in a position of choosing between me and his wife and I would never dream of telling him he can't bring her and i wohld expect him to choose his wife every time. Once married they are your main family along with any children you choose to have.

It doesn't matter what it is to you, it matters how it is to your husband. It doesn't sound like he considers you his main family. It also doesn't seem like his family became his "extended" family.

Anonymous wrote:Again what if we had kids would he be expected to go to these family dinners and not bring me? Therefore expecting me to tend to the guys by myself almost every Friday while my husband gets to sit back and enjoy wine and dinner with his family of origin? How is that fair to me? I dunno I just feel like the minute his mother told him not to bring me he should have stood up for me and said mom I'm sorry I can't exclude my wife shr is my main family and therefore can't be left out of a family dinner. I love you and want to spend time with you but not at the exclusion of my wife just about every Friday.

Perhaps if you had kids, your value to the family would increase. Time will tell.

So what you're saying is even though we are MARRIED and im a member of the family I have to accept that my husband is going to family dinners every other Friday that never include me as his wife I just have to accept this and not say a word to my husband? But if once I have children I may be invitdd because me popping out babies deems me good enough to be a member of the family. So all I'm good for in the eyes of my husband's family is being a baby making machine? So my value as a wife is if I pop out kids. What freaking year are we in 1950? I'm going to assume your post was sarcastic or you are a troll because no one in their right mind can possibly think this way

You don't agree that a husband's main family once married is his wife? You really think parents/siblings are still his main family and not his wife? That he should prioritize them over his wife? I didn't realize he made vows with his parents and siblings or that he was sharing his life and house with them or having children with them? My bad.

None said that you should not be the priority and you are 13 days out of 14... I think it’s totally fair that one day every two weeks his mom and siblings are his priority... there is something really wrong with you if you cannot understand this

They can be a priority without excluding me. In my circle/area spouses are always included in family dinners. You truly don't see any issue with MIL saying don't bring your wife? Or my husband just being like ok mommy and not saying I'm not going to exclude my wife.

I would never say “don’t bring your wife”, but I might say “let’s just be us” it’s is much more intimate in my opinion. In my family, my husband and my brother’s wife, will never be seen as son and daughter. My parents love them and care about them as long as they are good to us and our kids... I am pretty sure that the minute my husband or DIL become abusive (or like you controlling and insecure), my parents would try to protect us against them...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My husband left Friday night. Saturday my friends all had plans. Sunday afternoon I went to brunch with some of my girls. I have invited my SIL and MIL to brunch or girls days before and they either say no or they go a couple weeks later and never invite me. I don't expect to be invited obviously every time they go out as mother and daughter but it would be nice to be invited sometime as a DIL/SIL. I just feel like when I'm never invited it's like they don't see me as a member of the family AT ALL and its hurtful.

Your MIL and SIL do not consider you good company. Why is that?

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying I never play a role but c'mon you can't seriously claim this is normal behavior to act towards someone married into the family to insist to your son he can't bring his wife to a family dinner 2x a month. You guys talk about me putting him in between him and his mom well by his mom telling my husband not to invite me she is putting herself in between her son and his wife. Your parents and siblings become your extended family and your spouse and any children you have are now your main family.

No. Your parents always remain your core family. Clearly your husband agrees!

Anonymous wrote:To me once you're married you stick by your spouse and they come first they are your main family now. I would never dream (hypothetically speaking) if I had a grown son to put him in a position of choosing between me and his wife and I would never dream of telling him he can't bring her and i wohld expect him to choose his wife every time. Once married they are your main family along with any children you choose to have.

It doesn't matter what it is to you, it matters how it is to your husband. It doesn't sound like he considers you his main family. It also doesn't seem like his family became his "extended" family.

Anonymous wrote:Again what if we had kids would he be expected to go to these family dinners and not bring me? Therefore expecting me to tend to the guys by myself almost every Friday while my husband gets to sit back and enjoy wine and dinner with his family of origin? How is that fair to me? I dunno I just feel like the minute his mother told him not to bring me he should have stood up for me and said mom I'm sorry I can't exclude my wife shr is my main family and therefore can't be left out of a family dinner. I love you and want to spend time with you but not at the exclusion of my wife just about every Friday.

Perhaps if you had kids, your value to the family would increase. Time will tell.

So what you're saying is even though we are MARRIED and im a member of the family I have to accept that my husband is going to family dinners every other Friday that never include me as his wife I just have to accept this and not say a word to my husband? But if once I have children I may be invitdd because me popping out babies deems me good enough to be a member of the family. So all I'm good for in the eyes of my husband's family is being a baby making machine? So my value as a wife is if I pop out kids. What freaking year are we in 1950? I'm going to assume your post was sarcastic or you are a troll because no one in their right mind can possibly think this way

You don't agree that a husband's main family once married is his wife? You really think parents/siblings are still his main family and not his wife? That he should prioritize them over his wife? I didn't realize he made vows with his parents and siblings or that he was sharing his life and house with them or having children with them? My bad.

None said that you should not be the priority and you are 13 days out of 14... I think it’s totally fair that one day every two weeks his mom and siblings are his priority... there is something really wrong with you if you cannot understand this

They can be a priority without excluding me. In my circle/area spouses are always included in family dinners. You truly don't see any issue with MIL saying don't bring your wife? Or my husband just being like ok mommy and not saying I'm not going to exclude my wife.

I guess you and your friends all come from not so close knit families... I would never be ok if spouses had to ALWAYS be present. They usually are, it the way you put is just too extreme. Your husband can’t talk on the phone without you being present, he can’t see his mom twice a month without you.... I mean... he is not doing abything bad!

[Anonymous]

Tell your daughters to stay clear of the sick mama boy.
Three is a crowd!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wait, do you actually tell your children spefically talk to me about marital issues you have? You would be fine with your child bashing their spouse. I just don't understand why you would want to play middle man and get in the middle of drama in someone else's marriage.

My children can talk to me about whatever they wish, marital issues included. There is no middleman between me and my children.

Anonymous wrote:
Anyways in my post I stated I would like our marital issues to stay between us and you turn around and say that you wouldn't mind your son talking to you about his spouse. When that comment literally had nothing to do with my point. I wasn't asking if his mom is ok with it that's not the point I don't give a shit if his mom encourages my DH to talk about our marital issues I don't like it and out of respect for our marriage I want our issues to stay between us. What if you find out your son's wife doesn't like it you would still encourage it? It isn't about if his mom likes it or not it is about if me as his wife wants her marital issues aired

If you don't want your DH to talk to his parents about your marital issues, take it up with him. He's the one who has to agree not to discuss it with his parents.

That's literally what I originally said was that I am going to tell my DH not to go to his parents about our marital issues and you turned around and said my children can talk to me about their marital issues like ok... your point is?

But by listening to your kid's marital problems you are automatically putting yourself in the middle of someone else's marital issues. That's literally the definition of being "in the middle" when I listen to two friends/family members talk about their relationship/marital issues I become the middle person. I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell your children talk about it with your spouse.

I would definitely be pretty pissed if my MIL indulged DH in him talking to her about our personal issues.

Why can’t your husband talk to someone (mother, sibling, friend) about marital issues? Should he just keep everything for himself? I sometimes complain to my parents air friends about something my husband does and I am sure my husband complains to his family and friends about me on occasion too... it’s normal

Because once you go to a biased party it taints their view of the other spouse. Even after they makeup the family/friend that they complained to won't forget what they said. Also I'm not saying he can't go to other people to complain about issues in his life in general but yes I have a right to ask my husband not to disclose what happens in our marriage because that involves me. Maybe I prefer to keep the happenings in our marriage not public knowledge and to stay between us. When you drag other people into your marriage in terms of complaining about your spouse that's how drama and issues take place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"You don't agree that a husband's main family once married is his wife? You really think parents/siblings are still his main family and not his wife? That he should prioritize them over his wife? I didn't realize he made vows with his parents and siblings or that he was sharing his life and house with them or having children with them? My bad."

NP: I think the implication that you only have value as a baby making machine is odd. But perhaps what they mean is that once you have something she wants - access to a grandchild - she'll stop treating you like crap? Unsure, since I didn't write that.

I think where you're just going so wrong OP is that it's so black and white for you. People don't just stop being primary members of their families of origin because they got married. Something went south with your MIL, no doubt. Either you created it or she did, or you both did. Either way, YOU are pitting your husband against your MIL just as much as you say she is pitting your husband against you. Every time you essentially imply, or actually state outright, that you have more value to him and are more important to him. That's not a given, and the more you dig in, the more she'll dig in, and on it goes.

Someone upthread said why not address it head on - "Hey, MIL, something feels off to me about why I'm not invited. It feels intentionally insulting, and I want to figure out what went wrong and how we can fix it." Instead, you're wanting to just "win" because you got married.

Thank you for taking the time to actually form a nice response and seeing at least a little where I'm coming from instead of automatically placing all the blame on me. The issue I also took with the whole baby making thing is that the other poster was wording it in a way where it made it sound like she was justifying that type of behavior and it's ok to treat a DIL like a baby making machine. Where as you stated it but made it clear it's not right/normal and she is treating me like crap.

I definitely agree I need to have a polite non-accusatory conversation with my MIL about how it makes me feel using "I" statements when I'm intentionally left out. Spouses are usually invited as a unit/together to family dinners once married and to be told not to bring your own spouse is rather odd unless it's like a guys/girls night.


Even in cases where the MIL/FIL may not like the SIL/DIL they are still always at least invited. What I meant when I said she is pitting my husband against me is when she specifically tells my husband to not invite me that in my mind is pitting him against me by making him tell me I'm not invited. Generally I believe in cases like this the spouse does come first once married. Im not talking about in emergency situations im talking about in cases like this where his mother is making him choose by asking him to go somewhere where his wife isn't wanted. I hope that clarifies what I meant a little better.

[Anonymous]

OP ... honest question. Does your DH like you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So what you're saying is even though we are MARRIED and im a member of the family I have to accept that my husband is going to family dinners every other Friday that never include me as his wife I just have to accept this and not say a word to my husband? But if once I have children I may be invitdd because me popping out babies deems me good enough to be a member of the family. So all I'm good for in the eyes of my husband's family is being a baby making machine? So my value as a wife is if I pop out kids. What freaking year are we in 1950? I'm going to assume your post was sarcastic or you are a troll because no one in their right mind can possibly think this way

You don't agree that a husband's main family once married is his wife? You really think parents/siblings are still his main family and not his wife? That he should prioritize them over his wife? I didn't realize he made vows with his parents and siblings or that he was sharing his life and house with them or having children with them? My bad.

Yes, having children with my son makes you more important to the family vs. not, I don't really know why this needs to be explained.

I don't know what vows you shared. You don't have any children.

Wives come and go. Parents are permanent. I mean you've only been married for two years and look at the airs you're putting on.

Yes but we've been together 15 years. A damn long time for his family to get used to me and accept me as one of the family. Also the wedding vows in sickness and in health mean something. Now you are saying hid parents are more important than his wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So what you're saying is even though we are MARRIED and im a member of the family I have to accept that my husband is going to family dinners every other Friday that never include me as his wife I just have to accept this and not say a word to my husband? But if once I have children I may be invitdd because me popping out babies deems me good enough to be a member of the family. So all I'm good for in the eyes of my husband's family is being a baby making machine? So my value as a wife is if I pop out kids. What freaking year are we in 1950? I'm going to assume your post was sarcastic or you are a troll because no one in their right mind can possibly think this way

You don't agree that a husband's main family once married is his wife? You really think parents/siblings are still his main family and not his wife? That he should prioritize them over his wife? I didn't realize he made vows with his parents and siblings or that he was sharing his life and house with them or having children with them? My bad.

Yes, having children with my son makes you more important to the family vs. not, I don't really know why this needs to be explained.

I don't know what vows you shared. You don't have any children.

Wives come and go. Parents are permanent. I mean you've only been married for two years and look at the airs you're putting on.

Well I'm glad I live in the year 2020 and not the year 1950 where a women's worth is more than just having babies. What if she is child free by choice or she medically can't conceive? Would your DIL never be deemed good enough to be family in your eyes?

Then let her marry someone else's son.

Without passing judgment on her value as a human being, I would prefer a childbearing DIL to a non-childbearing one, all things being equal. Let's put it that way, if your MIL was childfree by choice, there would be no husband for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So what you're saying is even though we are MARRIED and im a member of the family I have to accept that my husband is going to family dinners every other Friday that never include me as his wife I just have to accept this and not say a word to my husband? But if once I have children I may be invitdd because me popping out babies deems me good enough to be a member of the family. So all I'm good for in the eyes of my husband's family is being a baby making machine? So my value as a wife is if I pop out kids. What freaking year are we in 1950? I'm going to assume your post was sarcastic or you are a troll because no one in their right mind can possibly think this way

You don't agree that a husband's main family once married is his wife? You really think parents/siblings are still his main family and not his wife? That he should prioritize them over his wife? I didn't realize he made vows with his parents and siblings or that he was sharing his life and house with them or having children with them? My bad.

Yes, having children with my son makes you more important to the family vs. not, I don't really know why this needs to be explained.

I don't know what vows you shared. You don't have any children.

Wives come and go. Parents are permanent. I mean you've only been married for two years and look at the airs you're putting on.

Yes but we've been together 15 years. A damn long time for his family to get used to me and accept me as one of the family. Also the wedding vows in sickness and in health mean something. Now you are saying hid parents are more important than his wife?

I'm saying your husband doesn't behave like you're more important to him than his parents. Wake up. Look at your life as it is and not how you think "it ought to be."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wait, do you actually tell your children spefically talk to me about marital issues you have? You would be fine with your child bashing their spouse. I just don't understand why you would want to play middle man and get in the middle of drama in someone else's marriage.

My children can talk to me about whatever they wish, marital issues included. There is no middleman between me and my children.

Anonymous wrote:
Anyways in my post I stated I would like our marital issues to stay between us and you turn around and say that you wouldn't mind your son talking to you about his spouse. When that comment literally had nothing to do with my point. I wasn't asking if his mom is ok with it that's not the point I don't give a shit if his mom encourages my DH to talk about our marital issues I don't like it and out of respect for our marriage I want our issues to stay between us. What if you find out your son's wife doesn't like it you would still encourage it? It isn't about if his mom likes it or not it is about if me as his wife wants her marital issues aired

If you don't want your DH to talk to his parents about your marital issues, take it up with him. He's the one who has to agree not to discuss it with his parents.

That's literally what I originally said was that I am going to tell my DH not to go to his parents about our marital issues and you turned around and said my children can talk to me about their marital issues like ok... your point is?

But by listening to your kid's marital problems you are automatically putting yourself in the middle of someone else's marital issues. That's literally the definition of being "in the middle" when I listen to two friends/family members talk about their relationship/marital issues I become the middle person. I just don't understand why you wouldn't tell your children talk about it with your spouse.

I would definitely be pretty pissed if my MIL indulged DH in him talking to her about our personal issues.

Why can’t your husband talk to someone (mother, sibling, friend) about marital issues? Should he just keep everything for himself? I sometimes complain to my parents air friends about something my husband does and I am sure my husband complains to his family and friends about me on occasion too... it’s normal

Because once you go to a biased party it taints their view of the other spouse. Even after they makeup the family/friend that they complained to won't forget what they said. Also I'm not saying he can't go to other people to complain about issues in his life in general but yes I have a right to ask my husband not to disclose what happens in our marriage because that involves me. Maybe I prefer to keep the happenings in our marriage not public knowledge and to stay between us. When you drag other people into your marriage in terms of complaining about your spouse that's how drama and issues take place.

Why should their view of the other spouse be untainted?

You have a right to ask your husband anything, and he has a right to listen or not. It's very weird that you think you can control what is said about you and by whom.