When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

Fucking brilliant. +1000

It's about as brilliant as planting land mines in your front yard and waiting until your wife (or child) steps on one and then blaming them for blowing up the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or at least the thought occurred to me. They're in elementary school now, so it's a long way off. My wife is a great life partner, roommate, and mother. But she gained some weight (after losing the baby-weight, she gained it back and then some) and lost her libido. That spiraled into lack of all physical affection. I initiate almost all hugs, hand-holding, you name it. She seems to tolerate it. I'm completely miserable, but I love my children and won't destroy an otherwise happy household just so I can get laid and have some regular affection. But after they're gone, maybe I will. I'll be mid-50's when the last kid goes off to college; that's a lot of life to live in a marriage with very little sex and affection. I hope that once the kids are less of an attention drain that she focuses more on me, but if she doesn't, it'll make the decision all the easier.

But the question for DCUM is this: How damaging is it to children in their 20's when their parents divorce?

Divorce affects everyone involved no matter when it happens. It has even affected me as i married a man with divorced parents and navigating the family events is stressful. I have found throughout my life that sexless to one does not equal sexless to another. I provide most all of the caregiving to our children, i take care of the groceries, bills, home, cars, trash, daily chores, kid activities, family schedule, shopping, etc... often there is not enough of me left for sex at the end of the day. Nevertheless, these things need to be done. We are rasing children and it is our responsibility. So i do it all, not because i want to, but because it has to be done and i am at home. It sounds like you go to work every day and expect June Cleaver when you get home. I miss the days of no kids and sleeping in on Saturday, waking up for sex, shower, go have some fun then home again for more sex. But this is not reality right now because we chose to have a family. So i try to be a good wife and mother even though it can be really hard. The dream of life on the other side of kids helps make it easier. To leave your wife after years of selfless giving while raising your children is for a man who only thinks of himself. It is not the frequency of sex that matters but the quality of mutual respect and appreciation. Divorce is the cowards way out! Getting caught up in the frequency of sex is a total turn off for me. Give affection, appreciation, and respect, without the sex expectation attached, and you will get the sex and affection you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

Agree. My husbnad is low drive and is into intercourse only, no oral. We worked on it for years in therapy. No progress. I love the guy, he just doesn't do it for me in bed. Not going to break up my kids' home when I can get satisfaction elsewhere.

Have you tried cherishing him?

Cherishing is for wives. Most (straight) men get turned on by being respected (hence why dominance is such a theme in porn).

You might want to get your reading comprehension skills checked out...

Nothing to do with gay/straight. Dominance is a common theme in gay porn as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

Agree. My husbnad is low drive and is into intercourse only, no oral. We worked on it for years in therapy. No progress. I love the guy, he just doesn't do it for me in bed. Not going to break up my kids' home when I can get satisfaction elsewhere.

Have you tried cherishing him?

Cherishing is for wives. Most (straight) men get turned on by being respected (hence why dominance is such a theme in porn).

You might want to get your reading comprehension skills checked out...

I hate the common assumption, among women, that everything is about power and dominance with men. Sometimes it's nice for your wife to just show some non-sexual affection that speaks to your vulnerability and humanity, instead of "oooooh, you big powerful man, you turn Jane on. Woof woof!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

Agree. My husbnad is low drive and is into intercourse only, no oral. We worked on it for years in therapy. No progress. I love the guy, he just doesn't do it for me in bed. Not going to break up my kids' home when I can get satisfaction elsewhere.

Have you tried cherishing him?

Cherishing is for wives. Most (straight) men get turned on by being respected (hence why dominance is such a theme in porn).

You might want to get your reading comprehension skills checked out...

I hate the common assumption, among women, that everything is about power and dominance with men. Sometimes it's nice for your wife to just show some non-sexual affection that speaks to your vulnerability and humanity, instead of "oooooh, you big powerful man, you turn Jane on. Woof woof!"

I get what you're saying but the truth of the matter is that the nice, vulnerable guys/DHs just don't get laid. Women's actions (or lack thereof) influence and dictate the behavior of men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

Agree. My husbnad is low drive and is into intercourse only, no oral. We worked on it for years in therapy. No progress. I love the guy, he just doesn't do it for me in bed. Not going to break up my kids' home when I can get satisfaction elsewhere.

Have you tried cherishing him?

Cherishing is for wives. Most (straight) men get turned on by being respected (hence why dominance is such a theme in porn).

You might want to get your reading comprehension skills checked out...

Nothing to do with gay/straight. Dominance is a common theme in gay porn as well.

RFLMAO

There are tons of guys who get turned on by being dominated by women. You wouldn't believe how many of them are large and in charge in the rest of their lives (lawyers and cops, for example). There are probably more male subs than male doms, any day of the week. There are tons of women who fantasize about rape and domination, too. Most people want someone else to take responsibility for their sexual pleasure. It relieves the guilt and the performance anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

Dan Savage? Is that you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

Agree. My husbnad is low drive and is into intercourse only, no oral. We worked on it for years in therapy. No progress. I love the guy, he just doesn't do it for me in bed. Not going to break up my kids' home when I can get satisfaction elsewhere.

Have you tried cherishing him?

Cherishing is for wives. Most (straight) men get turned on by being respected (hence why dominance is such a theme in porn).

You might want to get your reading comprehension skills checked out...

I hate the common assumption, among women, that everything is about power and dominance with men. Sometimes it's nice for your wife to just show some non-sexual affection that speaks to your vulnerability and humanity, instead of "oooooh, you big powerful man, you turn Jane on. Woof woof!"

I get what you're saying but the truth of the matter is that the nice, vulnerable guys/DHs just don't get laid. Women's actions (or lack thereof) influence and dictate the behavior of men.

I think that's a bit simplistic. If you're not getting laid, it's probably not because you're "too nice."

If anything, women resent the LACK of emotional availability from their husbands and the way their sex life often becomes a routine, mechanical obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Basically, OP complains that his wife has little redeeming value, and the response is that he needs to jump through hoops to "romance" her.

Maybe she could put in a little effort herself.

Actually he said she's a great mother. If a woman had said her DH was a great father but had gained weight and wasn't sexy anymore you would excoriate her and say she should be grateful for such a great man. Such bs.

x200000000

bull.fucking.shit

women will just cheat - as many have professed here on multiple threads and have said they do it for the very reason their H is no longer sexy to them - making them no better/no worse. The DCUM hags relentlessly beat up the guy in the course of 10+ pages - if the roles were reversed, and if men had flamed at a female OP, wow, the shit would really hit the fan as the hags would blindly rally around the OP.

OP - go for whatever makes YOU happy.

Right. Any woman who disagrees with you is a hag. And OP should do whatever he wants with no regard for his wife or children. Gee, I wonder why you have trouble with women. And you are totally full of it. No one has encouraged wives to cheat. Most wives don't. We work to make it better or we put the kids first and ourselves last. I'm sure that's unthinkable to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

Agree. My husbnad is low drive and is into intercourse only, no oral. We worked on it for years in therapy. No progress. I love the guy, he just doesn't do it for me in bed. Not going to break up my kids' home when I can get satisfaction elsewhere.

Have you tried cherishing him?

Cherishing is for wives. Most (straight) men get turned on by being respected (hence why dominance is such a theme in porn).

You might want to get your reading comprehension skills checked out...

I hate the common assumption, among women, that everything is about power and dominance with men. Sometimes it's nice for your wife to just show some non-sexual affection that speaks to your vulnerability and humanity, instead of "oooooh, you big powerful man, you turn Jane on. Woof woof!"

I get what you're saying but the truth of the matter is that the nice, vulnerable guys/DHs just don't get laid. Women's actions (or lack thereof) influence and dictate the behavior of men.

Oh what a load. Men aren't even responsible for their own behavior? No wonder no one wants to f you. You act like a child!

[Anonymous]

Chicks dig assholes more than nice guys. The friend zone is an actual thing, and it's pretty easy for a husband to take up residence there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or at least the thought occurred to me. They're in elementary school now, so it's a long way off. My wife is a great life partner, roommate, and mother. But she gained some weight (after losing the baby-weight, she gained it back and then some) and lost her libido. That spiraled into lack of all physical affection. I initiate almost all hugs, hand-holding, you name it. She seems to tolerate it. I'm completely miserable, but I love my children and won't destroy an otherwise happy household just so I can get laid and have some regular affection. But after they're gone, maybe I will. I'll be mid-50's when the last kid goes off to college; that's a lot of life to live in a marriage with very little sex and affection. I hope that once the kids are less of an attention drain that she focuses more on me, but if she doesn't, it'll make the decision all the easier.

But the question for DCUM is this: How damaging is it to children in their 20's when their parents divorce?

NP here and haven't read all 12 pages. Just want to say, I hope before you hunker down for the long winter and then make your escape, you please warn your DW that your head is going down this road. Many, many things change when one person is willing to walk--but they often walk without first telling the other that they are considering walking.

It's like so many people who quit their jobs. They get fed up, and decide to quit. They might find another offer, then quit. But before they accept that other offer, they should tell their boss they are thinking of quitting--suddenly they might get their terms met.

I remember being a consultant in a firm where most people were at the home office, but a few had offices out of their homes in other cities. I tried to get a remote office for years, but they wouldn't let me. Finally I said that I was moving to (home town) on X date, and I'd love to continue working for the company. Viola! Suddenly, "of course you can have a home office!"

Your DW might just need a wake-up kick so she knows what's on the line--but done nicely, OP.
Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chicks dig assholes more than nice guys. The friend zone is an actual thing, and it's pretty easy for a husband to take up residence there.

Nooo the friend zone is not an actual thing. It's a misogynistic way of mansplaining away why a woman doesnt like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

Fucking brilliant. +1000

Spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Basically, OP complains that his wife has little redeeming value, and the response is that he needs to jump through hoops to "romance" her.

Maybe she could put in a little effort herself.

Actually he said she's a great mother. If a woman had said her DH was a great father but had gained weight and wasn't sexy anymore you would excoriate her and say she should be grateful for such a great man. Such bs.

x200000000

bull.fucking.shit

women will just cheat - as many have professed here on multiple threads and have said they do it for the very reason their H is no longer sexy to them - making them no better/no worse. The DCUM hags relentlessly beat up the guy in the course of 10+ pages - if the roles were reversed, and if men had flamed at a female OP, wow, the shit would really hit the fan as the hags would blindly rally around the OP.

OP - go for whatever makes YOU happy.

Right. Any woman who disagrees with you is a hag. And OP should do whatever he wants with no regard for his wife or children. Gee, I wonder why you have trouble with women. And you are totally full of it. No one has encouraged wives to cheat. Most wives don't. We work to make it better or we put the kids first and ourselves last. I'm sure that's unthinkable to you.

yeah, keep dreaming. who's the one in the news today accused of fucking a 15 year old?