When the kids go to college, I'm out of this loveless and affectionless marriage

[Anonymous]

OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Basically, OP complains that his wife has little redeeming value, and the response is that he needs to jump through hoops to "romance" her.

Maybe she could put in a little effort herself.

Actually he said she's a great mother. If a woman had said her DH was a great father but had gained weight and wasn't sexy anymore you would excoriate her and say she should be grateful for such a great man. Such bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread should be renamed "Further Evidence for the Case Against Marriage."

It's evidence against straight marriage. Gay marriage seems logical, better chance of having libido on the same page. See for example, the fact that gay married couples have the most sex, lesbians the least. This is bound to average out to a mismatch when the straights marry.

http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2012/4/6/the-ins-and-outs-of-sexual-frequency.html


This whole thread is depressing. Marriage is a sexual relationship. Spouse owe it to one another to keep each other sexually satisfied, within reasonable requests, or open the marriage to allow someone else to do it (or divorce I suppose). If your aren't in the mood for sex with your partner, you have a duty to tell them what you need to get in the mood. If you are told what it takes to get your partner in the mood, you have a duty to do it.

[Anonymous]

For what it's worth, I know a few people whose parents did what the OP is suggesting--they left for college and their parents split up. It was REALLY hard for them--just when they were heading out into the world, the foundation was shattered. They had to figure out who they would visit on school breaks. They went home to a new house and a completely different family situation. They were re-evaluating every memory of their parents' marriage and either feeling like their parents had been lying to them for years, or they felt like they never saw anything wrong and now they could not trust their own assessment of a relationship.

So, while I'm sure that other people have different experiences, in my personal experience, leaving your wife when the kids leave for college could really mess them up. And, if you aren't leaving because of infidelity or abuse, be prepared for your kids to take your wife's side out of loyalty or because they are angry that you are leaving.

[Anonymous]

I think that first date, cherish her stuff is mostly wishful thinking. My guess is that it comes from women who either: a) are already sexually interested in their men and having him pay that kind of attention would send them into overdrive; or b) are not sexually interested and think that maybe, possibly, that kind of attention would work on them.

Are we hearing the first date stuff from women who were sexually disinterested with their husbands for long periods of time, got the first date treatment and are now eager to have sex 3-4x per week? I have my doubts.

In my case, the experience of my first dates was mostly me drinking at the bar with my buddies and her tracking me down, us hanging out a little bit and then stumbling back to my place to have great sex. I'd be happy to go out drinking with my buddies until she tracked me down for sex. But, somehow, I don't see that working either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Basically, OP complains that his wife has little redeeming value, and the response is that he needs to jump through hoops to "romance" her.

Maybe she could put in a little effort herself.

Actually he said she's a great mother. If a woman had said her DH was a great father but had gained weight and wasn't sexy anymore you would excoriate her and say she should be grateful for such a great man. Such bs.

x200000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it's worth, I know a few people whose parents did what the OP is suggesting--they left for college and their parents split up. It was REALLY hard for them--just when they were heading out into the world, the foundation was shattered. They had to figure out who they would visit on school breaks. They went home to a new house and a completely different family situation. They were re-evaluating every memory of their parents' marriage and either feeling like their parents had been lying to them for years, or they felt like they never saw anything wrong and now they could not trust their own assessment of a relationship.

So, while I'm sure that other people have different experiences, in my personal experience, leaving your wife when the kids leave for college could really mess them up. And, if you aren't leaving because of infidelity or abuse, be prepared for your kids to take your wife's side out of loyalty or because they are angry that you are leaving.

Very true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude. You sound like a DICK. Who plans a divorce 10+ years ahead of time??? If your wife was aware of the plan she would probably speed up the process for you
Is it safe to assume that NOBODY wants to stay married to someone who plans to divorce "when the kids are in college"? And in the meantime there is no sex????? You are crazy. Just get a divorce. There must be hundreds of women dying to spread their legs for your awesomeness. Don't keep them waiting!

I'm sure that OP will have women lined up around the block to be with an emotionally selfish, passive aggressive, and apparently not very good in bed middle-aged loser. Yeah, line starts here, ladies! lmao.

Thanks for the laugh.

Hey OP would you let the ladies of DCUM write up your profile for match.com once you are ready to unleash your hot single self??? Pleeeease? Come on DCUM girls, who wants to help out with this?

Lol!! me me me!

I have the first lines ready:

"Be prepared, if you gain 5 pounds I will lord it over your head and bring it up to others as the onus of everything that has gone wrong in the relationship. Keep in mind, I am ENTITLED to sex, to feel loved and cared for at all times. So you better be ready to lie back and take it- and act enthusiastic!! And dont be ridiculous and suggest I take you on dates and book a babysitter- that's WAYYYY to much work and why do IIIIIII have to do everything? It's not fair!!!1!!1!!!"

Yes, keep laughing ladies. You're gonna need that wry sense of humor when you come to realize that your babysitter-getting, massage-arranging, glass of wine-fetching hubby is getting sucked and fucked by the little hottie in HR.

See the thing is: We don't need you.

But you need us.

I make more than my husband. Why do I need him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

Agree. My husbnad is low drive and is into intercourse only, no oral. We worked on it for years in therapy. No progress. I love the guy, he just doesn't do it for me in bed. Not going to break up my kids' home when I can get satisfaction elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

Agree. My husbnad is low drive and is into intercourse only, no oral. We worked on it for years in therapy. No progress. I love the guy, he just doesn't do it for me in bed. Not going to break up my kids' home when I can get satisfaction elsewhere.

Have you tried cherishing him?

[Anonymous]

Yes. Makes him happy to be cherished but doesn't make him horny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

Agree. My husbnad is low drive and is into intercourse only, no oral. We worked on it for years in therapy. No progress. I love the guy, he just doesn't do it for me in bed. Not going to break up my kids' home when I can get satisfaction elsewhere.

Have you tried cherishing him?

Cherishing is for wives. Most (straight) men get turned on by being respected (hence why dominance is such a theme in porn).

You might want to get your reading comprehension skills checked out...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that first date, cherish her stuff is mostly wishful thinking. My guess is that it comes from women who either: a) are already sexually interested in their men and having him pay that kind of attention would send them into overdrive; or b) are not sexually interested and think that maybe, possibly, that kind of attention would work on them.

Are we hearing the first date stuff from women who were sexually disinterested with their husbands for long periods of time, got the first date treatment and are now eager to have sex 3-4x per week? I have my doubts.

In my case, the experience of my first dates was mostly me drinking at the bar with my buddies and her tracking me down, us hanging out a little bit and then stumbling back to my place to have great sex. I'd be happy to go out drinking with my buddies until she tracked me down for sex. But, somehow, I don't see that working either.

Me. Mine wasn't quite the first date treatment but close...I had surgery and husband was super accommodative...helped me around, cooked dinner for me, brought me flowers etc. It really did help rekindle things because I knew he wasn't just acting that way to get laid... I wasn't physically able to have sex for a few weeks after the surgery. Things are much better now. Seriously, 3-5 times a week. At our worst it was once a month if that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple things to consider:

1) A lot of women lose interests in sex with their husbands. Don't take it personal. Despite the cutlural myths, women aren't wired for monogamy either (neither are men). Difference being, that men (on average) have a spontaneous libido - you want to have sex and your wife is the only approved outlet. Women (on average) have a reactive libido and you just aren't shiny and new to your wife anymore to trigger her arousal. (Obviously there are variances among the sexes - high libido women, low libido men).

2) don't believe all the B.S. you hear about "if only", e.g. if only more compliments, babysitting, dishes, sit-ups, manicures, etc. Assuming you are putting in a reasonable effort to be a good husband and stay in shape, your wife would be making an effort to get in the mood if she wanted to have sex. How much effort does your wife put into having sex and you still want to have sex with her, right? If someone wants sex, they will make the effort.

3) You have an otherwise good marriage. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, mother, partner. She isn't a good lover, for whatever reason. Why do you need to go nuclear on your kids home just to get sexual satisfaction that is one of life's greatest joys? Do yourself a favor, be the best man you can be - upbeat, in shape, confident, lose the resentment. You will attract more female attention and if that doesn't spike your wife's interest, you will find plenty of women - married and single - who are legitimately attracted to you and want to have sex with you. Then act accordingly.

I have never understood those who think it is more honorable to blow up your kids home than to stay in an otherwise great marriage and do what you need to do to stay sane. Stay sane, OP.

Fucking brilliant. +1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Basically, OP complains that his wife has little redeeming value, and the response is that he needs to jump through hoops to "romance" her.

Maybe she could put in a little effort herself.

Actually he said she's a great mother. If a woman had said her DH was a great father but had gained weight and wasn't sexy anymore you would excoriate her and say she should be grateful for such a great man. Such bs.

x200000000

bull.fucking.shit

women will just cheat - as many have professed here on multiple threads and have said they do it for the very reason their H is no longer sexy to them - making them no better/no worse. The DCUM hags relentlessly beat up the guy in the course of 10+ pages - if the roles were reversed, and if men had flamed at a female OP, wow, the shit would really hit the fan as the hags would blindly rally around the OP.

OP - go for whatever makes YOU happy.