Was I wrong to skip MIL birthday dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean how hard would it have been to take 90 minutes to do this. Its a Friday, not a school day, and you had the rest of the weekend to "recover".

+1


Someday you, OP, will be the MIL who is a grandparent. Wanting to see your grandkids. Imagine when they stand you up after a dentist appt. Can see her view too, selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean how hard would it have been to take 90 minutes to do this. Its a Friday, not a school day, and you had the rest of the weekend to "recover".

+1


Someday you, OP, will be the MIL who is a grandparent. Wanting to see your grandkids. Imagine when they stand you up after a dentist appt. Can see her view too, selfish.

I never get these posts. Every relationship is different. Would op be warmer with a warmer mil? I’m guessing yes.

[Anonymous]

The whole “someday you will be a grandparent” bit is so tired.

Yes, someday I hope to be a grandparent. And because I wasn’t raised in a barn, I would never throw out plans to busy parents with kids with only 24 hours of notice. I will respect my kids and their spouses enough to make invitations with lead time, and I’ll be open to alternate plans. We’ll figure out something that works for everyone, then we’ll enjoy each other’s company.

This will work especially well for things where you KNOW WHAT THE SPECIAL DATE IS, and can plan accordingly. It’s not like birthdays move around, FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole “someday you will be a grandparent” bit is so tired.

Yes, someday I hope to be a grandparent. And because I wasn’t raised in a barn, I would never throw out plans to busy parents with kids with only 24 hours of notice. I will respect my kids and their spouses enough to make invitations with lead time, and I’ll be open to alternate plans. We’ll figure out something that works for everyone, then we’ll enjoy each other’s company.

This will work especially well for things where you KNOW WHAT THE SPECIAL DATE IS, and can plan accordingly. It’s not like birthdays move around, FFS.

It’s tired because the lack of self awareness is tiring. There seems to be a whole generation of women calling their MILs selfish and crazy when they can’t see their own rigidity and bitterness. Anyone at the point where they're saying things like “what adult even wants a birthday celebration?” Is the one who is cruel and mocking and it would be hard to believe their MIL problems are one sided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re totally fine. These were last minute plans. I would have done the same.

The real and only question is where your husband is with all of this? Let him handle his parents. You do not need to manage this.

+1
I would not be mad at MIL at all but her SON mishandled the whole ordeal and left you to make the call that he had to know would disappoint her.
It’s fine that they invited you on the day of, but you and your DH should have given a yes or no to the invitation rather than a “we’ll try to make it work” vague answer that implies you are busy but want to attend if you can rearrange your schedule to align the timing. This gets her hopes up and has her looking forward to a dinner of 5 or 6 that includes her child and grandchildren but instead it ends up being just her DH.

Your DH dropped the ball on this one and should have orchestrated a dinner for his mom at a time that he knew would work for his schedule rather than waiting to be asked to join them and then bailing and leaving you to call to make lame excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1-MIL should stop being passive- aggressive and her ire should be directed at her son, not you.

2 - your DH inherited his mother’s passive aggressiveness. Douchey on his part to even suggest you go without him. It’s his freaking mother. He goes or no one goes.

Yes. #2 all the way.
It’s insane that he is begging off on the dinner without making the call himself to say “we can’t make it, Mom—but how about dinner on Saturday night?”

[Anonymous]

You were not wrong, OP. Everyone except you were wrong. Your DH should have excused all of you and your ILs should not have thrown a fit. It was wrong to blame you for the outcome. I also don't get the "once you'll be MIL, wah-wah" posts. I personally hope not to be the MIL who wants only to see grandkids and treats DIL as an incubator and someone who just delivers grandkids (both literally and figuratively). How can you ever think this works? Develop your own adult relationships if you want people to be willing to accommodate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday was my MIL’s birthday. Until late the night before, there were no plans involving us.
My husband was scheduled to work in the office and has about an hour commute. I had the day off. Our kids had an appointments at 5pm that I scheduled months ago (I didn’t realize at the time it was a no-school day and earlier appointments were possible).

Late the night before, MIL called DH to say she’d made a 6pm dinner reservation for herself and FIL and invited DH, me, and our two kids to join. DH explained his work schedule and the dentist conflict and told her we’d have to play it by ear....

MIL is now extremely upset that she didn’t get to see her grandchildren on her birthday, and that it ruined her dinner. FIL is also upset in general and says MIL couldn’t even enjoy her birthday because of this. Was I out of line for not going without my husband?

2 school age children, 5 pm appt, and MIL decided the night before to make a 6 pm dinner reservation? Birthday or no birthday most don't take their kids out to eat in a reservation required restaurant at 6 pm on a school night. And the DH work schedule with the 1 hour commute.

Selfish MIL should have showed up at your house with nice take out and a cake. How old are the children and do you commonly eat out at that sort of restaurant on a school night?

Your kids had Saturday school on Jan 3?

Sorry I missed that it was a Friday. I guess OP could have gone with the kids and arrived late due to appointments. That still would not get the DH there for the dinner with the commute. I would not have made a Friday 6 pm reservation the evening before for a party of 6 or more. Why? The DH explained to his parents that his family's presence was a play it by ear based on work and appointments.

[Anonymous]

If she had just asked you beforehand or DH had immediately said "no" and suggested another date (even the next day- Saturday), this would never have happened. You're not wrong, OP, but I may have sucked it and up and gone if MIL was prone to drama and this would check the box on a bday visit that was happening anyway, whether on Friday or another day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she had just asked you beforehand or DH had immediately said "no" and suggested another date (even the next day- Saturday), this would never have happened. You're not wrong, OP, but I may have sucked it and up and gone if MIL was prone to drama and this would check the box on a bday visit that was happening anyway, whether on Friday or another day.

NP-The dh didn't say no because he knew his mom would react that way, which he dreaded at a time he was busy with last minute stressful work. He didn't want to deal with it. Had op gone alone with the kids she likely would still have been mad the dh were not there so there is no winning. Not sure if op updated with what ended up happening. My mil is difficult that way too so I get it. We have firmer boundaries now, but back in the day with little kids I can picture my dh totally mishandling all this and mil being furious and my waffling between humoring her and putting my foot down, knowing that even if humored she might still be pissed off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole “someday you will be a grandparent” bit is so tired.

Yes, someday I hope to be a grandparent. And because I wasn’t raised in a barn, I would never throw out plans to busy parents with kids with only 24 hours of notice. I will respect my kids and their spouses enough to make invitations with lead time, and I’ll be open to alternate plans. We’ll figure out something that works for everyone, then we’ll enjoy each other’s company.

This will work especially well for things where you KNOW WHAT THE SPECIAL DATE IS, and can plan accordingly. It’s not like birthdays move around, FFS.

It’s tired because the lack of self awareness is tiring. There seems to be a whole generation of women calling their MILs selfish and crazy when they can’t see their own rigidity and bitterness. Anyone at the point where they're saying things like “what adult even wants a birthday celebration?” Is the one who is cruel and mocking and it would be hard to believe their MIL problems are one sided.

The lack of self-awareness and rigidity is on the other side of the relationship. My mother had an excellent relationship with my father’s mother, she even lived with us at times. It would never have occurred to my grandmother that my mother should drop everything with the days notice shuttling two kids around to attend a dinner for her. She was deeply respectful of my mother‘s time and efforts, and she never missed an opportunity to tell the kids how lucky we were to have a mother like my mother. Try more gratitude and less entitlement as a mother-in-law and you will likely get further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole “someday you will be a grandparent” bit is so tired.

Yes, someday I hope to be a grandparent. And because I wasn’t raised in a barn, I would never throw out plans to busy parents with kids with only 24 hours of notice. I will respect my kids and their spouses enough to make invitations with lead time, and I’ll be open to alternate plans. We’ll figure out something that works for everyone, then we’ll enjoy each other’s company.

This will work especially well for things where you KNOW WHAT THE SPECIAL DATE IS, and can plan accordingly. It’s not like birthdays move around, FFS.

It’s tired because the lack of self awareness is tiring. There seems to be a whole generation of women calling their MILs selfish and crazy when they can’t see their own rigidity and bitterness. Anyone at the point where they're saying things like “what adult even wants a birthday celebration?” Is the one who is cruel and mocking and it would be hard to believe their MIL problems are one sided.

Again, B.S. My grandmothers were lovely, my mom and my MIL are lovely. They are considerate. They would never in a million years spring plans with 24 hours of notice; they respect our time, and their time. That is simply a matter of good manners. Either you have good manners, or you don’t. Either you have reasonable expectations based on respect for other people, or you don’t. And I have found in 50 years on this planet that manners and respect actually have very little to do with age or with generation.

I know plenty of self-centered young people; I know just as many rude, unreasonable older people.

Yes, some posters on here have posed rude questions and points. But THEY are not the central issue. The central issue is a rude MIL who issues appearance orders with 24 hours of notice. The husband is a dud, too. The only reasonable person in the mix is the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were not wrong, OP. Everyone except you were wrong. Your DH should have excused all of you and your ILs should not have thrown a fit. It was wrong to blame you for the outcome. I also don't get the "once you'll be MIL, wah-wah" posts. I personally hope not to be the MIL who wants only to see grandkids and treats DIL as an incubator and someone who just delivers grandkids (both literally and figuratively). How can you ever think this works? Develop your own adult relationships if you want people to be willing to accommodate you.

Amen and thank you, seriously. Someone gets it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were not wrong, OP. Everyone except you were wrong. Your DH should have excused all of you and your ILs should not have thrown a fit. It was wrong to blame you for the outcome. I also don't get the "once you'll be MIL, wah-wah" posts. I personally hope not to be the MIL who wants only to see grandkids and treats DIL as an incubator and someone who just delivers grandkids (both literally and figuratively). How can you ever think this works? Develop your own adult relationships if you want people to be willing to accommodate you.

Amen and thank you, seriously. Someone gets it.

Seriously. She wasn’t mad her son couldn’t make it. She wasn’t mad her DIL couldn’t make it. She was mad her DIL refused to deliver the grandkids to her on a silver platter of her choosing. Is everyone being deliberately blind to this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean how hard would it have been to take 90 minutes to do this. Its a Friday, not a school day, and you had the rest of the weekend to "recover".

+1


Someday you, OP, will be the MIL who is a grandparent. Wanting to see your grandkids. Imagine when they stand you up after a dentist appt. Can see her view too, selfish.

OP will likely give more than 24h notice then. It's not difficult.