Was I wrong to skip MIL birthday dinner?

[Anonymous]

Yesterday was my MIL’s birthday. Until late the night before, there were no plans involving us.
My husband was scheduled to work in the office and has about an hour commute. I had the day off. Our kids had an appointments at 5pm that I scheduled months ago (I didn’t realize at the time it was a no-school day and earlier appointments were possible).

Late the night before, MIL called DH to say she’d made a 6pm dinner reservation for herself and FIL and invited DH, me, and our two kids to join. DH explained his work schedule and the dentist conflict and told her we’d have to play it by ear. She seemed fine with that.

Around the time I took the kids to the dentist, DH texted that he wouldn’t make it, something came up at work. He said he’d tell his mom and it was up to me if I wanted to go. Given the timing, I decided not to rush the kids from the dentist to dinner alone. I’m cordial with my ILs but not close, and I didn’t feel great about showing up solo with two kids while my husband was absent.

I called MIL to explain that between the dentist and DH’s work conflict, we wouldn’t make it and that DH would plan something soon so we could celebrate her birthday together, to enjoy her dinner with FIL.

MIL is now extremely upset that she didn’t get to see her grandchildren on her birthday, and that it ruined her dinner. FIL is also upset in general and says MIL couldn’t even enjoy her birthday because of this. Was I out of line for not going without my husband?

[Anonymous]

Not out of line.

[Anonymous]

In your shoes, I would've made the effort to attend. I'm not saying you're wrong, but my take is people make time and put forth extra effort for what's important, and my family is important to me, and my kids' relationship with their grandparents is important to me. Again, I don't think you're wrong.

[Anonymous]

Seriously? You know you are fine. You just want to complain.

[Anonymous]

You’re totally fine. These were last minute plans. I would have done the same.

The real and only question is where your husband is with all of this? Let him handle his parents. You do not need to manage this.

[Anonymous]

I mean how hard would it have been to take 90 minutes to do this. Its a Friday, not a school day, and you had the rest of the weekend to "recover".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean how hard would it have been to take 90 minutes to do this. It’s a Friday, not a school day, and you had the rest of the weekend to "recover".

How hard would it have been for the MIL to contact the family *before* making dinner reservations if their presence was make it or break it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean how hard would it have been to take 90 minutes to do this. Its a Friday, not a school day, and you had the rest of the weekend to "recover".

How hard is it to extend an invitation more than 24 hours in advance? You shouldn’t assume anyone will be able to make it with that little notice.

[Anonymous]

What does your DH do for a profession? Is he a plumber? What "comes up at work" on a Friday at 5pm when where majority of folks are off due to the Holidays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean how hard would it have been to take 90 minutes to do this. Its a Friday, not a school day, and you had the rest of the weekend to "recover".

How hard would it have been for her HUSBAND to go? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Do your MIL and FIL work?
I've noticed that some people who don't work think other people have all the leisure time in the world as well.

The problem is your DH should have said no on your behalf when he declined. And you should have made it clear to him prior that if he didn't go, you are also a no show.
But instead, he left the decision up to you and that is why you are being blamed because clearly you could have attended but chose not to because DH wasn't going.

If you perceive yourself as a non-splitable social unit with him, then you need to tell him that so he understands any decline on his part is also by default a decline on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean how hard would it have been to take 90 minutes to do this. Its a Friday, not a school day, and you had the rest of the weekend to "recover".

How hard is it to extend an invitation more than 24 hours in advance? You shouldn’t assume anyone will be able to make it with that little notice.

They already committed though. Then backed out at the last minute with a lame excuse. Sounds like a very odd family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean how hard would it have been to take 90 minutes to do this. Its a Friday, not a school day, and you had the rest of the weekend to "recover".

How hard would it have been for her HUSBAND to go? Come on.

I think they are both in the wrong. But I agree with the PP that says they would have gone for the sake of the MIL and grandkids relationship. Its less than a few hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean how hard would it have been to take 90 minutes to do this. Its a Friday, not a school day, and you had the rest of the weekend to "recover".

How hard is it to extend an invitation more than 24 hours in advance? You shouldn’t assume anyone will be able to make it with that little notice.

They already committed though. Then backed out at the last minute with a lame excuse. Sounds like a very odd family dynamic.

They hadn’t committed, they said they’d have to play it by ear. They played it by ear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH do for a profession? Is he a plumber? What "comes up at work" on a Friday at 5pm when where majority of folks are off due to the Holidays?

He works at the county circuit court. I can’t really get into what “came up”.