Was I wrong to skip MIL birthday dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both you and your DH were in the wrong OP. It was just dinner, you knew it was MILs bday, and time could have been made. DH should have made sure it was in advance, because all of you knew when her bday was and it was when school was out. I can see why she is upset.

I've learned from this with some of my relatives and no longer expect anything of them. It is what it is.

Do you expect too much? I would not expect anyone to go out of their way for my birthday ever as an adult and especially not last minute. That includes my dh and my kids. We only do something on my bday if it's during a weekend. My parents are the same. We always lumped bdays and celebrated whenever convenient for everyone.

That’s strange. Yes, I would and did do something special for my mil, even if it was just a cake and she had dementia and didn’t know. We do dinner and cake for everyone on their birthday or another day close if it’s an adult.

OP did tell MIL that DH would reach out to schedule something for the rest of the family to attend. That could still happen "close" to the day. MIL is mad it didn't happen on her actual bday with 24 hours notice. That's not reasonable, but OP's DH should have declined from the get-go and then offered firm plans on another date or dates that worked for everyone.

No. MIL is mad nobody asked or cared about her birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both you and your DH were in the wrong OP. It was just dinner, you knew it was MILs bday, and time could have been made. DH should have made sure it was in advance, because all of you knew when her bday was and it was when school was out. I can see why she is upset.

I've learned from this with some of my relatives and no longer expect anything of them. It is what it is.

Do you expect too much? I would not expect anyone to go out of their way for my birthday ever as an adult and especially not last minute. That includes my dh and my kids. We only do something on my bday if it's during a weekend. My parents are the same. We always lumped bdays and celebrated whenever convenient for everyone.

That’s strange. Yes, I would and did do something special for my mil, even if it was just a cake and she had dementia and didn’t know. We do dinner and cake for everyone on their birthday or another day close if it’s an adult.

OP did tell MIL that DH would reach out to schedule something for the rest of the family to attend. That could still happen "close" to the day. MIL is mad it didn't happen on her actual bday with 24 hours notice. That's not reasonable, but OP's DH should have declined from the get-go and then offered firm plans on another date or dates that worked for everyone.

No. MIL is mad nobody asked or cared about her birthday.

It says right in the first post: MIL said she couldn't enjoy her day/dinner bc her grandchildren weren't there. She didn't want to celebrate on another day (although she may have agreed to that if OP's DH had offered that at the very beginning when it was clear attending this dinner was going to be a stretch for them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both you and your DH were in the wrong OP. It was just dinner, you knew it was MILs bday, and time could have been made. DH should have made sure it was in advance, because all of you knew when her bday was and it was when school was out. I can see why she is upset.

I've learned from this with some of my relatives and no longer expect anything of them. It is what it is.

Do you expect too much? I would not expect anyone to go out of their way for my birthday ever as an adult and especially not last minute. That includes my dh and my kids. We only do something on my bday if it's during a weekend. My parents are the same. We always lumped bdays and celebrated whenever convenient for everyone.

That’s strange. Yes, I would and did do something special for my mil, even if it was just a cake and she had dementia and didn’t know. We do dinner and cake for everyone on their birthday or another day close if it’s an adult.

OP did tell MIL that DH would reach out to schedule something for the rest of the family to attend. That could still happen "close" to the day. MIL is mad it didn't happen on her actual bday with 24 hours notice. That's not reasonable, but OP's DH should have declined from the get-go and then offered firm plans on another date or dates that worked for everyone.

No. MIL is mad nobody asked or cared about her birthday.

It says right in the first post: MIL said she couldn't enjoy her day/dinner bc her grandchildren weren't there. She didn't want to celebrate on another day (although she may have agreed to that if OP's DH had offered that at the very beginning when it was clear attending this dinner was going to be a stretch for them).

Yes. What part of that does not sound like someone who is exasperated?

[Anonymous]

Anyone decent would have emailed/texted/called in the AM wishing her a Happy Birthday and making some plans. Even if it was just getting a cake and going to her house or them coming to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone decent would have emailed/texted/called in the AM wishing her a Happy Birthday and making some plans. Even if it was just getting a cake and going to her house or them coming to you.

Why are you so obsessed with this idea of daughters-in-law dancing attendance with cake? How often do you deliver cake to your daughter-in-law or son-in-law?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone decent would have emailed/texted/called in the AM wishing her a Happy Birthday and making some plans. Even if it was just getting a cake and going to her house or them coming to you.

Sounds like op did not because she thought she might see mil, then she did wish her once she knew she would not see her? But why would a dil bring a cake, rather than the mil's own son? That's a sexist assumption. This is really on op's dh and his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone decent would have emailed/texted/called in the AM wishing her a Happy Birthday and making some plans. Even if it was just getting a cake and going to her house or them coming to you.

Why are you so obsessed with this idea of daughters-in-law dancing attendance with cake? How often do you deliver cake to your daughter-in-law or son-in-law?

I don't understand showing up with cake for an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone decent would have emailed/texted/called in the AM wishing her a Happy Birthday and making some plans. Even if it was just getting a cake and going to her house or them coming to you.

Why are you so obsessed with this idea of daughters-in-law dancing attendance with cake? How often do you deliver cake to your daughter-in-law or son-in-law?

I don't understand showing up with cake for an adult.

We do cakes for all our adult birthdays. DH's sister always makes him a chocolate cake with chocolate icing using their mother's recipe. I usually bring a cake for her husband's birthday, because SIL is cooking the birthday dinner and his favorite is white cake with white icing made by the local bakery.

DH gets my cake, which is cheesecake with strawberries. A close family friend of ours who we is a really good baker asks the birthday person for their preference, which is often Hummingbird Cake. If the adult kids of ours are local, they also get to choose a cake. We either meet at a restaurant or someone cooks, but cakes are just a thing for all of us after dinner as a way to celebrate the person because we don't do gifts for adults. However, if my MIL were alive, we would probably bring her flowers too.

I mentioned a cake in an above post, but someone else also mentioned cake, but we are not the same person, and we are not "obsessed with the DIL planning the cake.

A PP did correct me and say did I mean the husband would have the kids bake a cake for Grandma, and yes, that's a good point. But the DW made the original post and it sounded like she had some days free to cart the kids around while DH was working, but that's the only time I mentioned cake until this post.

[Anonymous]

DH should’ve just said no for everyone and then offered dinner a different day. It’s his mom, not yours!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone decent would have emailed/texted/called in the AM wishing her a Happy Birthday and making some plans. Even if it was just getting a cake and going to her house or them coming to you.

Why are you so obsessed with this idea of daughters-in-law dancing attendance with cake? How often do you deliver cake to your daughter-in-law or son-in-law?

I don't understand showing up with cake for an adult.

We do cakes for all our adult birthdays. DH's sister always makes him a chocolate cake with chocolate icing using their mother's recipe. I usually bring a cake for her husband's birthday, because SIL is cooking the birthday dinner and his favorite is white cake with white icing made by the local bakery.

DH gets my cake, which is cheesecake with strawberries. A close family friend of ours who we is a really good baker asks the birthday person for their preference, which is often Hummingbird Cake. If the adult kids of ours are local, they also get to choose a cake. We either meet at a restaurant or someone cooks, but cakes are just a thing for all of us after dinner as a way to celebrate the person because we don't do gifts for adults. However, if my MIL were alive, we would probably bring her flowers too.

I mentioned a cake in an above post, but someone else also mentioned cake, but we are not the same person, and we are not "obsessed with the DIL planning the cake.

A PP did correct me and say did I mean the husband would have the kids bake a cake for Grandma, and yes, that's a good point. But the DW made the original post and it sounded like she had some days free to cart the kids around while DH was working, but that's the only time I mentioned cake until this post.

Your husband buys you a cake. FIL can do the same for his wife. Her feelings are not OPs responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone decent would have emailed/texted/called in the AM wishing her a Happy Birthday and making some plans. Even if it was just getting a cake and going to her house or them coming to you.

Why are you so obsessed with this idea of daughters-in-law dancing attendance with cake? How often do you deliver cake to your daughter-in-law or son-in-law?

I don't understand showing up with cake for an adult.

We do cakes for all our adult birthdays. DH's sister always makes him a chocolate cake with chocolate icing using their mother's recipe. I usually bring a cake for her husband's birthday, because SIL is cooking the birthday dinner and his favorite is white cake with white icing made by the local bakery.

DH gets my cake, which is cheesecake with strawberries. A close family friend of ours who we is a really good baker asks the birthday person for their preference, which is often Hummingbird Cake. If the adult kids of ours are local, they also get to choose a cake. We either meet at a restaurant or someone cooks, but cakes are just a thing for all of us after dinner as a way to celebrate the person because we don't do gifts for adults. However, if my MIL were alive, we would probably bring her flowers too.

I mentioned a cake in an above post, but someone else also mentioned cake, but we are not the same person, and we are not "obsessed with the DIL planning the cake.

A PP did correct me and say did I mean the husband would have the kids bake a cake for Grandma, and yes, that's a good point. But the DW made the original post and it sounded like she had some days free to cart the kids around while DH was working, but that's the only time I mentioned cake until this post.

That’s your (very nice!) tradition. It doesn’t sound like op and her in laws have that sort of a sweet and thoughtful homey relationship, and I don’t think it’s fair to blame one party (op here) for it. It sounds like her mil is more of a going out person anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday was my MIL’s birthday. Until late the night before, there were no plans involving us.
My husband was scheduled to work in the office and has about an hour commute. I had the day off. Our kids had an appointments at 5pm that I scheduled months ago (I didn’t realize at the time it was a no-school day and earlier appointments were possible).

Late the night before, MIL called DH to say she’d made a 6pm dinner reservation for herself and FIL and invited DH, me, and our two kids to join. DH explained his work schedule and the dentist conflict and told her we’d have to play it by ear....

MIL is now extremely upset that she didn’t get to see her grandchildren on her birthday, and that it ruined her dinner. FIL is also upset in general and says MIL couldn’t even enjoy her birthday because of this. Was I out of line for not going without my husband?

2 school age children, 5 pm appt, and MIL decided the night before to make a 6 pm dinner reservation? Birthday or no birthday most don't take their kids out to eat in a reservation required restaurant at 6 pm on a school night. And the DH work schedule with the 1 hour commute.

Selfish MIL should have showed up at your house with nice take out and a cake. How old are the children and do you commonly eat out at that sort of restaurant on a school night?

+1 I don't know how old OP kids are but I wouldn't take them to a fancy restaurant without DH after a long day if my ILs are judgey.

We keep things low-key as our kids are young. Celebrate grandparents at home or casual restaurants. If they want to do fancy, OP MIL can just go with her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone decent would have emailed/texted/called in the AM wishing her a Happy Birthday and making some plans. Even if it was just getting a cake and going to her house or them coming to you.

Why are you so obsessed with this idea of daughters-in-law dancing attendance with cake? How often do you deliver cake to your daughter-in-law or son-in-law?

I would make a big fuss each year over their birthdays and get a gift, cake, and see if they want to go out to dinner or us babysit. But, we have teens, so setting a good example right now is the priority. I did it for my MIL every year till the year she died, even when she had no clue who we were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone decent would have emailed/texted/called in the AM wishing her a Happy Birthday and making some plans. Even if it was just getting a cake and going to her house or them coming to you.

Why are you so obsessed with this idea of daughters-in-law dancing attendance with cake? How often do you deliver cake to your daughter-in-law or son-in-law?

I don't understand showing up with cake for an adult.

We do cakes for all our adult birthdays. DH's sister always makes him a chocolate cake with chocolate icing using their mother's recipe. I usually bring a cake for her husband's birthday, because SIL is cooking the birthday dinner and his favorite is white cake with white icing made by the local bakery.

DH gets my cake, which is cheesecake with strawberries. A close family friend of ours who we is a really good baker asks the birthday person for their preference, which is often Hummingbird Cake. If the adult kids of ours are local, they also get to choose a cake. We either meet at a restaurant or someone cooks, but cakes are just a thing for all of us after dinner as a way to celebrate the person because we don't do gifts for adults. However, if my MIL were alive, we would probably bring her flowers too.

I mentioned a cake in an above post, but someone else also mentioned cake, but we are not the same person, and we are not "obsessed with the DIL planning the cake.

A PP did correct me and say did I mean the husband would have the kids bake a cake for Grandma, and yes, that's a good point. But the DW made the original post and it sounded like she had some days free to cart the kids around while DH was working, but that's the only time I mentioned cake until this post.

Your husband buys you a cake. FIL can do the same for his wife. Her feelings are not OPs responsibility.

No, its both of their responsibility. Who ever does the buying. Why are people so set not to do anything kind for each other? I couldn't imagine telling my husband his mom, his problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone decent would have emailed/texted/called in the AM wishing her a Happy Birthday and making some plans. Even if it was just getting a cake and going to her house or them coming to you.

Why are you so obsessed with this idea of daughters-in-law dancing attendance with cake? How often do you deliver cake to your daughter-in-law or son-in-law?

I don't understand showing up with cake for an adult.

I don't understand not getting a cake for an adult.