Was I wrong to skip MIL birthday dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH do for a profession? Is he a plumber? What "comes up at work" on a Friday at 5pm when where majority of folks are off due to the Holidays?

He works at the county circuit court. I can’t really get into what “came up”.

[Anonymous]

" I didn’t feel great about showing up solo with two kids while my husband was absent."

This is so odd to me. Clearly you live near these people and you've likely known them for at least 10 years since you have 2 kids in school.

Also odd is not realizing Friday Jan 2 is not a school day!

[Anonymous]

If you care about maintaining a cordial relationship with your ILs then yes, it's probably wrong. Not attending a Friday night dinner because you didn't feel like rushing or because your dh wasn't going definitely sends a certain message. However, if you are okay with that, then you're good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL was hoping DH would plan something. When he didn’t, she planned it. It was last minute. You could have gone but you chose not to. Which is fine, but in making that choice you signaled to your MIL that you don’t feel that close to her.

Also, your DH hung you out to dry. He should’ve told his mother that your nuclear family can’t make it and would plan something soon.

Now you know that seeing her grandkids on special occasions is important to her.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

Your husband and you were both wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" I didn’t feel great about showing up solo with two kids while my husband was absent."

This is so odd to me. Clearly you live near these people and you've likely known them for at least 10 years since you have 2 kids in school.

Also odd is not realizing Friday Jan 2 is not a school day!

Agreed. Also odd that your husband didn’t RSVP after talking to you and decline for all.

That said, I would have tried to go but you are fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" I didn’t feel great about showing up solo with two kids while my husband was absent."

This is so odd to me. Clearly you live near these people and you've likely known them for at least 10 years since you have 2 kids in school.

Also odd is not realizing Friday Jan 2 is not a school day!

Honestly? They said, “Does Friday the 2nd at 5pm work?” and I just took it. Surely you aren’t thinking I deliberately did this anticipating ILs would invite us to dinner at 6pm on this exact day with only 24 hours notice, right?

I didn’t think it was fair to show up alone. To me, to the kids, to everyone at the (not exactly kid-friendly) restaurant. ILs aren’t helpful. I just didn’t want to in that moment, without DH there to help carry conversation with his parents, or help manage the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I didn’t feel great about showing up solo with two kids while my husband was absent."

This is so odd to me. Clearly you live near these people and you've likely known them for at least 10 years since you have 2 kids in school.

Also odd is not realizing Friday Jan 2 is not a school day!

Honestly? They said, “Does Friday the 2nd at 5pm work?” and I just took it. Surely you aren’t thinking I deliberately did this anticipating ILs would invite us to dinner at 6pm on this exact day with only 24 hours notice, right?

I didn’t think it was fair to show up alone. To me, to the kids, to everyone at the (not exactly kid-friendly) restaurant. ILs aren’t helpful. I just didn’t want to in that moment, without DH there to help carry conversation with his parents, or help manage the kids.

No one said that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I didn’t feel great about showing up solo with two kids while my husband was absent."

This is so odd to me. Clearly you live near these people and you've likely known them for at least 10 years since you have 2 kids in school.

Also odd is not realizing Friday Jan 2 is not a school day!

Honestly? They said, “Does Friday the 2nd at 5pm work?” and I just took it. Surely you aren’t thinking I deliberately did this anticipating ILs would invite us to dinner at 6pm on this exact day with only 24 hours notice, right?

I didn’t think it was fair to show up alone. To me, to the kids, to everyone at the (not exactly kid-friendly) restaurant. ILs aren’t helpful. I just didn’t want to in that moment, without DH there to help carry conversation with his parents, or help manage the kids.

Manage the kids? You can take them to the dentist alone but can't have a dinner out with them? Stranger by the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL was hoping DH would plan something. When he didn’t, she planned it. It was last minute. You could have gone but you chose not to. Which is fine, but in making that choice you signaled to your MIL that you don’t feel that close to her.

Also, your DH hung you out to dry. He should’ve told his mother that your nuclear family can’t make it and would plan something soon.

Now you know that seeing her grandkids on special occasions is important to her.

I think this is exactly what happened. And yeah, he did hang me out to dry. If seeing the kids was important to her, why didn’t she plan something in advance? I’m confused about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I didn’t feel great about showing up solo with two kids while my husband was absent."

This is so odd to me. Clearly you live near these people and you've likely known them for at least 10 years since you have 2 kids in school.

Also odd is not realizing Friday Jan 2 is not a school day!

Honestly? They said, “Does Friday the 2nd at 5pm work?” and I just took it. Surely you aren’t thinking I deliberately did this anticipating ILs would invite us to dinner at 6pm on this exact day with only 24 hours notice, right?

I didn’t think it was fair to show up alone. To me, to the kids, to everyone at the (not exactly kid-friendly) restaurant. ILs aren’t helpful. I just didn’t want to in that moment, without DH there to help carry conversation with his parents, or help manage the kids.

No one said that.

What were you implying then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL was hoping DH would plan something. When he didn’t, she planned it. It was last minute. You could have gone but you chose not to. Which is fine, but in making that choice you signaled to your MIL that you don’t feel that close to her.

Also, your DH hung you out to dry. He should’ve told his mother that your nuclear family can’t make it and would plan something soon.

Now you know that seeing her grandkids on special occasions is important to her.

I think this is exactly what happened. And yeah, he did hang me out to dry. If seeing the kids was important to her, why didn’t she plan something in advance? I’m confused about that.

What have you done for her birthday in past years?

Maybe they didn't know what their plans would be due to New Years?

[Anonymous]

So you didn't go because you can't handle your two school-aged kids at a restaurant dinner, and you see no reason to converse with your ILs if your dh isn't around.

I think you don't see value in a relationship with them, so in that case, you're fine, OP. This will work to your advantage; you just created some distance in your "cordial" relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean how hard would it have been to take 90 minutes to do this. It’s a Friday, not a school day, and you had the rest of the weekend to "recover".

How hard would it have been for the MIL to contact the family *before* making dinner reservations if their presence was make it or break it?

Is this a competition? OP was wrong. But, it is not entirely her fault. This is the way she was raised and the values of the culture she lives in. Her DH should have sent flowers to his mom but he sounds like a selfish self-absorbed f also.

Now, the MIL is also at fault. But not entirely. After all she is also the product of her socialization, so she has a part to play in how she raised her son, what kind of relationship she has with the son's family and for making a fuss if they missed her birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I didn’t feel great about showing up solo with two kids while my husband was absent."

This is so odd to me. Clearly you live near these people and you've likely known them for at least 10 years since you have 2 kids in school.

Also odd is not realizing Friday Jan 2 is not a school day!

Honestly? They said, “Does Friday the 2nd at 5pm work?” and I just took it. Surely you aren’t thinking I deliberately did this anticipating ILs would invite us to dinner at 6pm on this exact day with only 24 hours notice, right?

I didn’t think it was fair to show up alone. To me, to the kids, to everyone at the (not exactly kid-friendly) restaurant. ILs aren’t helpful. I just didn’t want to in that moment, without DH there to help carry conversation with his parents, or help manage the kids.

No one said that.

What were you implying then?

That the way you plan/process/handle things seems a little off.