19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you realize that a man who is ready to throw millions to your feet after a year of dating when he has other dependents and business interests likely has very poor judgement and is too quick to fall in love? Those quickly falling also tend to quickly fall out.
He is allowing the head between his legs lead his thinking, not the head on his shoulders. That’s bad, and also shows him as not particular involved father. He has no idea how hard is to launch teenagers because he’s not in the game !


Is ex wife doing all the job with kids ? Why did they divorce ? She must be fairly young . It’s a red flag

Idk she knows a lot about his finances and his plans to provide for her for 1.5 years in. Sounds like he knows what to say to attract younger women.

“Too quick to fall in love” is an optimistic take. He is a wealthy old lawyer who has been through the love, family, divorce thing already. This man is detailing all his future plans to give OP access to his money because he knows that’s his draw. As of now, it’s all just talk

I was also surprised that he spilled all this information about his net worth to his GF. Too much detail.

OP - be honest - would you be so much in love with him if he was a fellow PhD student in a shared apartment?

This.

I think this has to be a troll. No woman getting her PhD would seriously consider just throwing it all away for money from this old guy. And if so, OP must not be too committed to her degree.

No serious lawyer would promise a million fortune to a sugar baby. They have all money well hidden and protected

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - the PP said something important you don’t want to miss. Elderly paternal age is a very high risk of autism and ADHD. My child has autism and so are many of his classmates born from “order dads”

Older paternal age is over 35

Excellent point. New data shows old sperm is the cause of more issues than old eggs. So OP should be aware that her childs risk of autism or other SN is much higher with an old man.

As a mother to mildly autistic son i observed those wealthy families with large age gaps in my child’s private school. Literally all kids took exams in HS with special accommodations. Kids couldn’t attend public schools as they are unable to focus and needed hand holding socializing with classmates and teachers. I had to give up my career to take my child to therapies and they had a major mental crisis in teens and first year in college (where they were not as much guarded and tendered to). My marriage didn’t survive the stress of older husband (who turned out selfish and uninvolved dad irritated by SN child). We divorced when I was in early 40s and he in his 50s.

None of the “old dads” kids succeeded or got into great colleges, 4 years post HS graduation. Boys are now trying to become musicians and girls physical therapists or similar. These are kids of very wealthy families with dads who are lawyers, financiers etc. So next gen is a step down intellectually from the parents.

Don’t do it to your kids, OP! Find an energetic young man to reproduce with

I wouldn't have a child with a woman over the age of 32. Don't take it personal if you are past that age. It's just my preference. And I do think I want to get anyone pregnant either once I am past 30. I'm 25 now and engaged. My fiance is 26. As soon as we get married we will try for a child.

Because so many people are having children so late in life, the science has evolved to accommodate them and make them think like it's okay.

If you look at most SN kids, they were born of older parents.

You are going to trigger so many people lol. People think having a first child at 40 is totally normal.

Around here, it is not unusual. And I don’t know any special needs kids out of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to think about when you are 50, kids are in college and you are married to a 70 year old. He won’t always be so vibrant. When you are his age, he’ll be slowing down. Everyone I know who did this, 20 years later are resentful of having to take care of an old man.

This happened to my friend with about a 20 year age gap relationship. She married a long divorced man with one grownup daughter. They agreed they would have kids together. They had two sons close in age. The husband got cancer and died during the younger son's senior year of high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to think about when you are 50, kids are in college and you are married to a 70 year old. He won’t always be so vibrant. When you are his age, he’ll be slowing down. Everyone I know who did this, 20 years later are resentful of having to take care of an old man.

This happened to my friend with about a 20 year age gap relationship. She married a long divorced man with one grownup daughter. They agreed they would have kids together. They had two sons close in age. The husband got cancer and died during the younger son's senior year of high school.

My very good friends have a large age gap. Husband in 70s is fighting with a terrible neurological decease while their child is in HS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - the PP said something important you don’t want to miss. Elderly paternal age is a very high risk of autism and ADHD. My child has autism and so are many of his classmates born from “order dads”

Older paternal age is over 35

Excellent point. New data shows old sperm is the cause of more issues than old eggs. So OP should be aware that her childs risk of autism or other SN is much higher with an old man.

As a mother to mildly autistic son i observed those wealthy families with large age gaps in my child’s private school. Literally all kids took exams in HS with special accommodations. Kids couldn’t attend public schools as they are unable to focus and needed hand holding socializing with classmates and teachers. I had to give up my career to take my child to therapies and they had a major mental crisis in teens and first year in college (where they were not as much guarded and tendered to). My marriage didn’t survive the stress of older husband (who turned out selfish and uninvolved dad irritated by SN child). We divorced when I was in early 40s and he in his 50s.

None of the “old dads” kids succeeded or got into great colleges, 4 years post HS graduation. Boys are now trying to become musicians and girls physical therapists or similar. These are kids of very wealthy families with dads who are lawyers, financiers etc. So next gen is a step down intellectually from the parents.

Don’t do it to your kids, OP! Find an energetic young man to reproduce with

I wouldn't have a child with a woman over the age of 32. Don't take it personal if you are past that age. It's just my preference. And I do think I want to get anyone pregnant either once I am past 30. I'm 25 now and engaged. My fiance is 26. As soon as we get married we will try for a child.

Because so many people are having children so late in life, the science has evolved to accommodate them and make them think like it's okay.

If you look at most SN kids, they were born of older parents.

You are going to trigger so many people lol. People think having a first child at 40 is totally normal.

Around here, it is not unusual. And I don’t know any special needs kids out of this.

Maybe visit some occupational therapy clinics waiting rooms you’ll see

[Anonymous]

When I was 25, I did date a 45 year old divorcee with no kids.

I found him too old, I didn't want to be with a man that old. He just was trying too hard to impress me, he was wealthy, but kind of desperate.

He ended up marrying a woman my age who was a fresh off the boat immigrant who had daddy issues (dead father) and they quickly had two kids. Good for him but that wasn't the life I wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you realize that a man who is ready to throw millions to your feet after a year of dating when he has other dependents and business interests likely has very poor judgement and is too quick to fall in love? Those quickly falling also tend to quickly fall out.
He is allowing the head between his legs lead his thinking, not the head on his shoulders. That’s bad, and also shows him as not particular involved father. He has no idea how hard is to launch teenagers because he’s not in the game !


Is ex wife doing all the job with kids ? Why did they divorce ? She must be fairly young . It’s a red flag

Idk she knows a lot about his finances and his plans to provide for her for 1.5 years in. Sounds like he knows what to say to attract younger women.

“Too quick to fall in love” is an optimistic take. He is a wealthy old lawyer who has been through the love, family, divorce thing already. This man is detailing all his future plans to give OP access to his money because he knows that’s his draw. As of now, it’s all just talk

I was also surprised that he spilled all this information about his net worth to his GF. Too much detail.

OP - be honest - would you be so much in love with him if he was a fellow PhD student in a shared apartment?

It's probably not true. I dated someone who tried this line on me and he was full of s***. Pretty sure I have a higher net worth than he does despite his higher salary and more advanced age. Men who lead like this often don't have a pot to pee in. Op, you should ask him for a $500k advance on the promised money, just to hold you over, and see how he reacts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 25, I did date a 45 year old divorcee with no kids.

I found him too old, I didn't want to be with a man that old. He just was trying too hard to impress me, he was wealthy, but kind of desperate.

He ended up marrying a woman my age who was a fresh off the boat immigrant who had daddy issues (dead father) and they quickly had two kids. Good for him but that wasn't the life I wanted.

Yeah I see 40+ men on date apps who all desire kids so you know they want someone at their maturity standpoint

[Anonymous]

OK, I am going to be totally honest here that OP I would get yourself a pscyh evaluation- just to weed out if you are thinking with a clear head, have any daddy issues, or other issues. Spend a year in therapy-- take an emotional "gap month" for yourself-- don't break up, but just maybe go on a solo trip if you can, be alone and think what you really want.

None of us can say what to do.

For me, I am married to a man 10 year older and I can already feel him turn extremely grumpy as he gets older, and he will be 70 when my youngest graduates from high school. The caretaker risk is real, my friend.

I am on my second marriage, was married to someoene my own age previously, and he was absolutely immature and it was a terrible marriage.

So, I would take with a grain of salt the commenters that say the men who are older must be immature to be with you, 20 years younger. There are plenty of immature men your own age too....

I would say this:at 27, you may not realize your power, or thestakesof your choices.THat isabout the age when I married for the first time.You feel 30 approaching. You want to settle down. Take some time to really assess-- a gap month or a gap year-- emotionally-- life is not a conveyor belt, you can't produce a house and kids and marraige on time always....

You love him, you say-- maybe you do-- but is there any part of that love that is tied to stability nurturing,orsomething you lacked within yuour own family history at home?I had a lot of trauma growing up, nad I don'tthink I realized it at 27.....dig a bit deeper....Good luck!! There is no right or wrong answer here, claim your agency and what YOU want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: We’ve only been dating a year and a half. I came here to hear both the good and the bad of a long term big age difference marriage to help me think things through as he was ready before I was in thinking about next steps, not because any decision about the future is imminent, I’m in no rush.

I’ve read everything and I hear the concerns. I very much appreciate the wisdom & knowledge of many of the older women here who’ve shared their experiences. Right now, we’re just enjoying each other’s company and thinking far into the future—not making decisions under pressure. Whatever decision (at minimum a year from now) I ultimately make for me and my future kids, I’ll be sure to own.

I misspoke earlier about the prenup, — he’s promised me money from his assets in the trust, not just the prenup. The prenup he’s promised is actually more generous than a typical marital equality split. But, I’m also working on building my own career and don’t plan on relying on a spouse in the future.

You might not be relying on him in the future, but he will be relying on you for your children's tuition and his elder care. Does he have enough money today to ear mark 250k towards college for you kids ( assume you plan to have 2) and 2M towards his elder care so that 20 years from now with compound interest, you will not have to worry about affording round the clock nursing care and the children's tuition?

I am talking about money he can put away in trusts for these issues today. If not, pass.

Additionally, even when you can afford round the clock care for an elderly person, a relative still needs to coordinate. How are you planning to set up so that you don't have to keep working while coordinating his care?

If he is not 100% willing to work with you to make sure that all of the above is covered, walk away because this is the bare minimum to make sure you are not losing too much here.

This does not even address the fact that while your friends will be traveling, relaxing while retired in their 60s with their spouses and partners, you will be alone even if you choose to travel/relax with them because your DH will be 80 and unable to participate.

This does not even address the complications with step kids. Everyone family I know with step kids has some kind of tension around the step kid dynamic. You will have a host of issues even before this very obvious one.

This guy would have to be offering you something magical in order for you to put yourself at such a disadvantage. Love is not enough here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you realize that a man who is ready to throw millions to your feet after a year of dating when he has other dependents and business interests likely has very poor judgement and is too quick to fall in love? Those quickly falling also tend to quickly fall out.
He is allowing the head between his legs lead his thinking, not the head on his shoulders. That’s bad, and also shows him as not particular involved father. He has no idea how hard is to launch teenagers because he’s not in the game !


Is ex wife doing all the job with kids ? Why did they divorce ? She must be fairly young . It’s a red flag

Idk she knows a lot about his finances and his plans to provide for her for 1.5 years in. Sounds like he knows what to say to attract younger women.

“Too quick to fall in love” is an optimistic take. He is a wealthy old lawyer who has been through the love, family, divorce thing already. This man is detailing all his future plans to give OP access to his money because he knows that’s his draw. As of now, it’s all just talk

I was also surprised that he spilled all this information about his net worth to his GF. Too much detail.

OP - be honest - would you be so much in love with him if he was a fellow PhD student in a shared apartment?

This.

I think this has to be a troll. No woman getting her PhD would seriously consider just throwing it all away for money from this old guy. And if so, OP must not be too committed to her degree.

Eh, my dad was brilliant and his PhD, but he had terrible judgement. He passed 10 years aho and I still scratch my head at some of his decisions. What screams troll to me is the exact dollar amounts and financial plans.

[Anonymous]

That 26M is pre-marital assets.
At his current age and for the life of his next marriage, his earnings then are the only marital assets she is entitled to.
OP, I hope you understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I don’t believe that finances will be an issue. He has a $26m NW (BigLaw & generational wealth) and he’s promised me a prenup. His kids (17/g & 14/b) like me (though some might think I’m closer in maturity to them, I’m more aligned with him in terms of maturity and life perspective). I don’t have daddy issues—My dad is a great dad, not all women who date older do, I just prefer older. I’ve dated older men since college (not seriously) but I never expected to fall for one. Now I love him, we’re making plans and he wants more, marriage soon and kids as early as possible.
Health during old age is my biggest concern, not old age itself. While he’s healthy now and doesn’t have major health issues in his family (parents are early 70s and pretty healthy), I can’t ignore the fact that the age gap means he’ll be much older health wise and I’m unsure if that’s what I want long term. I’m hoping for at least 20 more years of good health though, but that isn’t guaranteed.

You know the exact amount he has because that money is part of the attraction. Forget a PhD. You want that generational wealth and don't think for a second he doesn't know that. He's reeling you in. Write whatever you want in that prenup, but understand he'll still dictates where his money goes. If you ever fall out with him, that generational wealth will hire lawyers to tie you up in court until you settle for less just to avoid bankruptcy.

Why in this age of Google do people like you still fail to understand the major pitfalls of marrying money when you have none?

I have a friend who married an ultra high net worth man who was 20 years older than her.

She had kids, stopped working, was living the life but when they divorced it wasn't so simple. She got the apartment and some alimony, but lost access to her kids 50 percent of the time, and needs a job in order to have health care and is struggling to find one.

I remember feeling extremely worried and skeptical when she met him and got engaged. But of course at that stage she didn't want to listen to any of the possible downsides so every friend in her life bit their tongue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I don’t believe that finances will be an issue. He has a $26m NW (BigLaw & generational wealth) and he’s promised me a prenup. His kids (17/g & 14/b) like me (though some might think I’m closer in maturity to them, I’m more aligned with him in terms of maturity and life perspective). I don’t have daddy issues—My dad is a great dad, not all women who date older do, I just prefer older. I’ve dated older men since college (not seriously) but I never expected to fall for one. Now I love him, we’re making plans and he wants more, marriage soon and kids as early as possible.
Health during old age is my biggest concern, not old age itself. While he’s healthy now and doesn’t have major health issues in his family (parents are early 70s and pretty healthy), I can’t ignore the fact that the age gap means he’ll be much older health wise and I’m unsure if that’s what I want long term. I’m hoping for at least 20 more years of good health though, but that isn’t guaranteed.

$26m isn't that much when you subtract three (four?) college tuitions, the cost of raising one or two more kids, plus his retirement and eldercare, plus yours. This is where people get into a crunch-- he's getting a lot closer to the end of his working years (because you can't assume he'll be healthy enough to work until 67 or whatever), and his expenses are about to spike.

I think the main problem people run into is that there's not enough dad to go around. How is he going to parent young kids with the level of hands-on a woman your age expects, plus also be a good father to his teenagers, plus also work enough to pay for all of this? It's a lot and he's only going to be less and less energetic. People get into these situations with the best of intentions, but sometimes the circle just doesn't square. Having a lot of money helps, but it's also just one more thing to fight over-- and believe me, his teens will eventually figure out that their inheritance decreased dramatically when you married and with each subsequent child. People will flame me for this and say nobody's entitled to an inheritance, which is true, but you can't show up in their lives and do that and expect them to be happy about it. You need to be realistic.

Assuming your PhD isn't going to get you a high-income job...

Bless your heart. $26 million is a shit ton. And have sexual intercourse with yourself for not understanding that.

+1.
26M is a sh*t ton of money to go around for OP, this man and all 4 kids ( 2 stepkids + assuming 2 from OP). The question is how can OP ensure that her kids and the step kids are protected? She can look out for all 4 kids, and there will still be plenty of money left for OP and this man.

OP, does he have enough flexible money ( not tied to a family trust) to give you 2M after the birth of each child? So say 2M set up in a trust for each child with you as the trustee and he has no authority over the money? And he should set up money for his other kids before he even marries you.

If you can make peace with your 60s and 70s being more difficult than women married to their peers, and tensions with blended families, the rest of the issues can be addressed with a ruthless prenup. I mean ruthless on your behalf. You seem to be too trusting and counting on his promises. He needs to give you money for your kids up front, as in the same week you birth them. If you agree on a prenup that states this and he starts to falter, get out.

Having said all that, I would never marry anyone who already has kids, especially if I wanted kids of my own. That is the real deal breaker for me. There is enough money here to cushion the age gap issue. But no amount of money in the world would soften the tension and insecurity of blended families with kids who don't share the same 2 parents. I would not want my kids to feel that.

You are only 27. Find a guy who does not yet have kids. If older men are your thing ( I am same way), there are older men out there who do not have kids. Break up with this man and start looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you realize that a man who is ready to throw millions to your feet after a year of dating when he has other dependents and business interests likely has very poor judgement and is too quick to fall in love? Those quickly falling also tend to quickly fall out.
He is allowing the head between his legs lead his thinking, not the head on his shoulders. That’s bad, and also shows him as not particular involved father. He has no idea how hard is to launch teenagers because he’s not in the game !


Is ex wife doing all the job with kids ? Why did they divorce ? She must be fairly young . It’s a red flag

Idk she knows a lot about his finances and his plans to provide for her for 1.5 years in. Sounds like he knows what to say to attract younger women.

“Too quick to fall in love” is an optimistic take. He is a wealthy old lawyer who has been through the love, family, divorce thing already. This man is detailing all his future plans to give OP access to his money because he knows that’s his draw. As of now, it’s all just talk

I was also surprised that he spilled all this information about his net worth to his GF. Too much detail.

OP - be honest - would you be so much in love with him if he was a fellow PhD student in a shared apartment?

It's probably not true. I dated someone who tried this line on me and he was full of s***. Pretty sure I have a higher net worth than he does despite his higher salary and more advanced age. Men who lead like this often don't have a pot to pee in. Op, you should ask him for a $500k advance on the promised money, just to hold you over, and see how he reacts.

+1