19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

OP: We’ve only been dating a year and a half. I came here to hear both the good and the bad of a long term big age difference marriage to help me think things through as he was ready before I was in thinking about next steps, not because any decision about the future is imminent, I’m in no rush.

I’ve read everything and I hear the concerns. I very much appreciate the wisdom & knowledge of many of the older women here who’ve shared their experiences. Right now, we’re just enjoying each other’s company and thinking far into the future—not making decisions under pressure. Whatever decision (at minimum a year from now) I ultimately make for me and my future kids, I’ll be sure to own.

I misspoke earlier about the prenup, — he’s promised me money from his assets in the trust, not just the prenup. The prenup he’s promised is actually more generous than a typical marital equality split. But, I’m also working on building my own career and don’t plan on relying on a spouse in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: We’ve only been dating a year and a half. I came here to hear both the good and the bad of a long term big age difference marriage to help me think things through as he was ready before I was in thinking about next steps, not because any decision about the future is imminent, I’m in no rush.

I’ve read everything and I hear the concerns. I very much appreciate the wisdom & knowledge of many of the older women here who’ve shared their experiences. Right now, we’re just enjoying each other’s company and thinking far into the future—not making decisions under pressure. Whatever decision (at minimum a year from now) I ultimately make for me and my future kids, I’ll be sure to own.

I misspoke earlier about the prenup, — he’s promised me money from his assets in the trust, not just the prenup. The prenup he’s promised is actually more generous than a typical marital equality split. But, I’m also working on building my own career and don’t plan on relying on a spouse in the future.

You won’t be able to build any career forget it

[Anonymous]

OP - do you realize that a man who is ready to throw millions to your feet after a year of dating when he has other dependents and business interests likely has very poor judgement and is too quick to fall in love? Those quickly falling also tend to quickly fall out.
He is allowing the head between his legs lead his thinking, not the head on his shoulders. That’s bad, and also shows him as not particular involved father. He has no idea how hard is to launch teenagers because he’s not in the game !


Is ex wife doing all the job with kids ? Why did they divorce ? She must be fairly young . It’s a red flag

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: We’ve only been dating a year and a half. I came here to hear both the good and the bad of a long term big age difference marriage to help me think things through as he was ready before I was in thinking about next steps, not because any decision about the future is imminent, I’m in no rush.

I’ve read everything and I hear the concerns. I very much appreciate the wisdom & knowledge of many of the older women here who’ve shared their experiences. Right now, we’re just enjoying each other’s company and thinking far into the future—not making decisions under pressure. Whatever decision (at minimum a year from now) I ultimately make for me and my future kids, I’ll be sure to own.

I misspoke earlier about the prenup, — he’s promised me money from his assets in the trust, not just the prenup. The prenup he’s promised is actually more generous than a typical marital equality split. But, I’m also working on building my own career and don’t plan on relying on a spouse in the future.

The fact that you don't get that any Cree can be challenged and the person with the greater resources will win that challenge just by dragging it out and bleeding you dry tells me that your head is just not in the game. You're a very young and naive 27, definitely not mature for your age, being manipulated by a man who is light years ahead of you.

As far as the part in bold goes, if you don't plan it, then you think it won't happen? Most women who end up depending on a man did not think it would happen to them. Women like you don't take seriously that pregnancy, childbirth, and child rearing are inherently unequal regardless of how you "plan" for parity.

If you plan to be a mother, then you're one pregnancy injury, birth injury, postpartum depression turned longterm depression, postpartum anxiety turned longterm anxiety, puerperal psychosis, high needs baby, special needs kid, inadequate maternity leave, inadequate sick days etc. away from depending on a man. YOU are taking all the physical, psychological, and financial risk of pregnancy in the context of a society that will begin to devalue your contributions and slot you into less prestigious positions regardless of your ambition as soon as you are pregnant. That's your reality whether or not you like it.

No man has to deal with any of that. A man can say he has no plans to depend on a woman and the odds of that happening are almost completely under his control. That is not the case for you as a woman. The fact that you don't seem to understand that you're about to undertake a process that literally comes down to dumb luck no matter how healthy and fit you think you are is chilling. If your boyfriend had your best interests at heart, he would be looking at the fact that you're at the beginning of your career and he would not be planning to have a baby by you as soon as possible. That man is thinking only of himself and your arrogance is making it very easy for him to manipulate you.

You're about to learn a much-needed life lesson in the next few years. You probably figure you'll come out richer for it no matter what, but all of that will depend on who he is when you divorce him...which is VERY different from who he is right now when he's trying to entrap you.

Once again, I ask, where is your mother? Do you have anyone older and trustworthy who gives you frank advice you'll actually listen to? I can't imagine letting my daughter walk into such a stupid and obvious life mistake.

If an older man with $26 million to blow through wanted my daughter and she could stomach his droopy balls, I would walk her through how to siphon off as much as possible while staying on three kinds of birth control. He'd never get to her down with a marriage or his next set of unfathered kids.

[Anonymous]

"Cree" = prenup. Not sure where that typo came from.

[Anonymous]

You were a baby when he was probably on his first marriage or living with someone. What if he had adopted you? It reminds me of Woody Allen and his wife who adopted that Chinese baby who he later married it's gross

[Anonymous]

Ugh don't do this to yourself

[Anonymous]

This is not a good idea. Please break up. Tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you realize that a man who is ready to throw millions to your feet after a year of dating when he has other dependents and business interests likely has very poor judgement and is too quick to fall in love? Those quickly falling also tend to quickly fall out.
He is allowing the head between his legs lead his thinking, not the head on his shoulders. That’s bad, and also shows him as not particular involved father. He has no idea how hard is to launch teenagers because he’s not in the game !


Is ex wife doing all the job with kids ? Why did they divorce ? She must be fairly young . It’s a red flag

Idk she knows a lot about his finances and his plans to provide for her for 1.5 years in. Sounds like he knows what to say to attract younger women.

“Too quick to fall in love” is an optimistic take. He is a wealthy old lawyer who has been through the love, family, divorce thing already. This man is detailing all his future plans to give OP access to his money because he knows that’s his draw. As of now, it’s all just talk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad and his wife (she's wife #3) have a 15-year gap. It was totally fine for a while! She got a lot in the "deal"-- US citizenship for herself and her tween son, and he adopted and very much parented her son including through some difficult post-college failure-to-launch and substance use years. (Which my dad was super unhappy about, but he did it). Anyway, now she's 65 and he's 80, and though he's really quite healthy for 80, he can't do anywhere near the activity level that he used to do. She travels without him for maybe 10-12 weeks a year, since he's not willing/able to do much traveling anymore. He's already had one heart attack, but it won't be the last.

She never really made friends of her own in the area, and his friend group sort of tolerates her but they and their same-age wives don't really see her as a peer. (This is of course more complex because she's of a different culture too). Now that his friends are aging, dying, and/or moving away, she's pretty socially isolated. It's no fun being the healthier spouse long-term and it's even less fun being the youngest/healthiest person in a friend group with everyone asking you to help them with their crises. Her son married but isn't having children, so my kids are the only grandkids and while she is very nice to my kids, I know it just isn't the same and it makes her sad.

Most of all, nobody has that much sympathy for her. The age gap is exactly as big as it was on the day they met, and everything has played out exactly as one would expect re: their health. So what did she think was going to happen?

The best thing about it is that they truly love each other and get along. For me, it's great, because she's my dad's primary caregiver and she does a terrific job. I don't know if she regrets it or not.

Sounds like your mother in law is smart and caring woman. She ensured that she gets something of real value from her second husband and not actually for the money. She's in for stability, father figure for her son, family life. He took care of her son, gave her green card with her likely being from a less fortunate country. She loves him back and cares for him and your kids. It's not like she ran producing new set of kids and fighting with you over inheritance because she's not after your dad's money. It's a fair partnership, although she will be miserable when your dad dies.

OP is in a different situation. I don't see any future for a partnership forming there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad and his wife (she's wife #3) have a 15-year gap. It was totally fine for a while! She got a lot in the "deal"-- US citizenship for herself and her tween son, and he adopted and very much parented her son including through some difficult post-college failure-to-launch and substance use years. (Which my dad was super unhappy about, but he did it). Anyway, now she's 65 and he's 80, and though he's really quite healthy for 80, he can't do anywhere near the activity level that he used to do. She travels without him for maybe 10-12 weeks a year, since he's not willing/able to do much traveling anymore. He's already had one heart attack, but it won't be the last.

She never really made friends of her own in the area, and his friend group sort of tolerates her but they and their same-age wives don't really see her as a peer. (This is of course more complex because she's of a different culture too). Now that his friends are aging, dying, and/or moving away, she's pretty socially isolated. It's no fun being the healthier spouse long-term and it's even less fun being the youngest/healthiest person in a friend group with everyone asking you to help them with their crises. Her son married but isn't having children, so my kids are the only grandkids and while she is very nice to my kids, I know it just isn't the same and it makes her sad.

Most of all, nobody has that much sympathy for her. The age gap is exactly as big as it was on the day they met, and everything has played out exactly as one would expect re: their health. So what did she think was going to happen?

The best thing about it is that they truly love each other and get along. For me, it's great, because she's my dad's primary caregiver and she does a terrific job. I don't know if she regrets it or not.

Sounds like your mother in law is smart and caring woman. She ensured that she gets something of real value from her second husband and not actually for the money. She's in for stability, father figure for her son, family life. He took care of her son, gave her green card with her likely being from a less fortunate country. She loves him back and cares for him and your kids. It's not like she ran producing new set of kids and fighting with you over inheritance because she's not after your dad's money. It's a fair partnership, although she will be miserable when your dad dies.

OP is in a different situation. I don't see any future for a partnership forming there.

"step mother", pardon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you realize that a man who is ready to throw millions to your feet after a year of dating when he has other dependents and business interests likely has very poor judgement and is too quick to fall in love? Those quickly falling also tend to quickly fall out.
He is allowing the head between his legs lead his thinking, not the head on his shoulders. That’s bad, and also shows him as not particular involved father. He has no idea how hard is to launch teenagers because he’s not in the game !


Is ex wife doing all the job with kids ? Why did they divorce ? She must be fairly young . It’s a red flag

Idk she knows a lot about his finances and his plans to provide for her for 1.5 years in. Sounds like he knows what to say to attract younger women.

“Too quick to fall in love” is an optimistic take. He is a wealthy old lawyer who has been through the love, family, divorce thing already. This man is detailing all his future plans to give OP access to his money because he knows that’s his draw. As of now, it’s all just talk

I was also surprised that he spilled all this information about his net worth to his GF. Too much detail.

OP - be honest - would you be so much in love with him if he was a fellow PhD student in a shared apartment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you realize that a man who is ready to throw millions to your feet after a year of dating when he has other dependents and business interests likely has very poor judgement and is too quick to fall in love? Those quickly falling also tend to quickly fall out.
He is allowing the head between his legs lead his thinking, not the head on his shoulders. That’s bad, and also shows him as not particular involved father. He has no idea how hard is to launch teenagers because he’s not in the game !


Is ex wife doing all the job with kids ? Why did they divorce ? She must be fairly young . It’s a red flag

Idk she knows a lot about his finances and his plans to provide for her for 1.5 years in. Sounds like he knows what to say to attract younger women.

“Too quick to fall in love” is an optimistic take. He is a wealthy old lawyer who has been through the love, family, divorce thing already. This man is detailing all his future plans to give OP access to his money because he knows that’s his draw. As of now, it’s all just talk

I was also surprised that he spilled all this information about his net worth to his GF. Too much detail.

OP - be honest - would you be so much in love with him if he was a fellow PhD student in a shared apartment?

This.

I think this has to be a troll. No woman getting her PhD would seriously consider just throwing it all away for money from this old guy. And if so, OP must not be too committed to her degree.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced with a very solid divorce degree. My ex can remarry but we have multiple trust's and other safeguards that no can contest.

Why are dating something with "baggage"?

My family is not baggage but in your instance why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - do you realize that a man who is ready to throw millions to your feet after a year of dating when he has other dependents and business interests likely has very poor judgement and is too quick to fall in love? Those quickly falling also tend to quickly fall out.
He is allowing the head between his legs lead his thinking, not the head on his shoulders. That’s bad, and also shows him as not particular involved father. He has no idea how hard is to launch teenagers because he’s not in the game !


Is ex wife doing all the job with kids ? Why did they divorce ? She must be fairly young . It’s a red flag

Idk she knows a lot about his finances and his plans to provide for her for 1.5 years in. Sounds like he knows what to say to attract younger women.

“Too quick to fall in love” is an optimistic take. He is a wealthy old lawyer who has been through the love, family, divorce thing already. This man is detailing all his future plans to give OP access to his money because he knows that’s his draw. As of now, it’s all just talk

I was also surprised that he spilled all this information about his net worth to his GF. Too much detail.

OP - be honest - would you be so much in love with him if he was a fellow PhD student in a shared apartment?

This.

I think this has to be a troll. No woman getting her PhD would seriously consider just throwing it all away for money from this old guy. And if so, OP must not be too committed to her degree.

Could it be that late 50s wacko dude dating a 20 something PhD student ? He used to bash older women on dcum, and bragging of much younger GF. The story seems similar