Reply to 19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP: We’ve only been dating a year and a half. I came here to hear both the good and the bad of a long term big age difference marriage to help me think things through as he was ready before I was in thinking about next steps, not because any decision about the future is imminent, I’m in no rush.

I’ve read everything and I hear the concerns. I very much appreciate the wisdom & knowledge of many of the older women here who’ve shared their experiences. Right now, we’re just enjoying each other’s company and thinking far into the future—not making decisions under pressure. Whatever decision (at minimum a year from now) I ultimately make for me and my future kids, I’ll be sure to own.

I misspoke earlier about the prenup, — he’s promised me money from his assets in the trust, not just the prenup. The prenup he’s promised is actually more generous than a typical marital equality split. But, I’m also working on building my own career and don’t plan on relying on a spouse in the future.[/quote]

You might not be relying on him in the future, but he will be relying on you for your children's tuition and his elder care. Does he have enough money today to ear mark 250k towards college for you kids ( assume you plan to have 2) and 2M towards his elder care so that 20 years from now with compound interest, you will not have to worry about affording round the clock nursing care and the children's tuition?

I am talking about money he can put away in trusts for these issues today. If not, pass.

Additionally, even when you can afford round the clock care for an elderly person, a relative still needs to coordinate. How are you planning to set up so that you don't have to keep working while coordinating his care?

If he is not 100% willing to work with you to make sure that all of the above is covered,  walk away because this is the bare minimum to make sure you are not losing too much here.

This does not even address the fact that while your friends will be traveling, relaxing while retired in their 60s with their spouses and partners, you will be alone even if you choose to travel/relax with them because your DH will be 80 and unable to participate.

This does not even address the complications with step kids. Everyone family I know with step kids has some kind of tension around the step kid dynamic. You will have a host of issues even before this very obvious one.

This guy would have to be offering you something magical in order for you to put yourself at such a disadvantage. Love is not enough here.
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