19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad and his wife (she's wife #3) have a 15-year gap. It was totally fine for a while! She got a lot in the "deal"-- US citizenship for herself and her tween son, and he adopted and very much parented her son including through some difficult post-college failure-to-launch and substance use years. (Which my dad was super unhappy about, but he did it). Anyway, now she's 65 and he's 80, and though he's really quite healthy for 80, he can't do anywhere near the activity level that he used to do. She travels without him for maybe 10-12 weeks a year, since he's not willing/able to do much traveling anymore. He's already had one heart attack, but it won't be the last.

She never really made friends of her own in the area, and his friend group sort of tolerates her but they and their same-age wives don't really see her as a peer. (This is of course more complex because she's of a different culture too). Now that his friends are aging, dying, and/or moving away, she's pretty socially isolated. It's no fun being the healthier spouse long-term and it's even less fun being the youngest/healthiest person in a friend group with everyone asking you to help them with their crises. Her son married but isn't having children, so my kids are the only grandkids and while she is very nice to my kids, I know it just isn't the same and it makes her sad.

Most of all, nobody has that much sympathy for her. The age gap is exactly as big as it was on the day they met, and everything has played out exactly as one would expect re: their health. So what did she think was going to happen?

The best thing about it is that they truly love each other and get along. For me, it's great, because she's my dad's primary caregiver and she does a terrific job. I don't know if she regrets it or not.

Sounds like your mother in law is smart and caring woman. She ensured that she gets something of real value from her second husband and not actually for the money. She's in for stability, father figure for her son, family life. He took care of her son, gave her green card with her likely being from a less fortunate country. She loves him back and cares for him and your kids. It's not like she ran producing new set of kids and fighting with you over inheritance because she's not after your dad's money. It's a fair partnership, although she will be miserable when your dad dies.

OP is in a different situation. I don't see any future for a partnership forming there.

Well, she is smart. And she did get a lot of things of real value. Although she's not from a less-fortunate country, she's a well-educated person from Asia and she was already here on a work visa when they met.

But this is so important to understand-- she's pretty unhappy *now*, and I think she'll actually be relieved when he dies because then she can leave the rural area where he lives, which he will never agree to leave. The benefits to her in their "deal" were heavily front-loaded, and the benefits to him are back-loaded, so it was easy for her to focus on the near term and not think too hard about the later years. But eventually we all have to pay the piper. I don't think she'll actually leave him, but anyone can see that she's really unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: We’ve only been dating a year and a half. I came here to hear both the good and the bad of a long term big age difference marriage to help me think things through as he was ready before I was in thinking about next steps, not because any decision about the future is imminent, I’m in no rush.

I’ve read everything and I hear the concerns. I very much appreciate the wisdom & knowledge of many of the older women here who’ve shared their experiences. Right now, we’re just enjoying each other’s company and thinking far into the future—not making decisions under pressure. Whatever decision (at minimum a year from now) I ultimately make for me and my future kids, I’ll be sure to own.

I misspoke earlier about the prenup, — he’s promised me money from his assets in the trust, not just the prenup. The prenup he’s promised is actually more generous than a typical marital equality split. But, I’m also working on building my own career and don’t plan on relying on a spouse in the future.

OP, honey, no. Do not give this man another year of your life! The years of your late twenties are PRIME time for meeting high-quality men. Do not spend this valuable year hemming and hawing about a man that you already know comes with some huge negatives.

Since nobody has brought this up yet, consider with your PhD, what's the job market like? Do you want to be confined to this area? Because if he's a good father, he won't be willing to move away from his kids while they're still in high school. And he might not want to move anyway. Are you willing to restrict your job options geographically?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad and his wife (she's wife #3) have a 15-year gap. It was totally fine for a while! She got a lot in the "deal"-- US citizenship for herself and her tween son, and he adopted and very much parented her son including through some difficult post-college failure-to-launch and substance use years. (Which my dad was super unhappy about, but he did it). Anyway, now she's 65 and he's 80, and though he's really quite healthy for 80, he can't do anywhere near the activity level that he used to do. She travels without him for maybe 10-12 weeks a year, since he's not willing/able to do much traveling anymore. He's already had one heart attack, but it won't be the last.

She never really made friends of her own in the area, and his friend group sort of tolerates her but they and their same-age wives don't really see her as a peer. (This is of course more complex because she's of a different culture too). Now that his friends are aging, dying, and/or moving away, she's pretty socially isolated. It's no fun being the healthier spouse long-term and it's even less fun being the youngest/healthiest person in a friend group with everyone asking you to help them with their crises. Her son married but isn't having children, so my kids are the only grandkids and while she is very nice to my kids, I know it just isn't the same and it makes her sad.

Most of all, nobody has that much sympathy for her. The age gap is exactly as big as it was on the day they met, and everything has played out exactly as one would expect re: their health. So what did she think was going to happen?

The best thing about it is that they truly love each other and get along. For me, it's great, because she's my dad's primary caregiver and she does a terrific job. I don't know if she regrets it or not.

Sounds like your mother in law is smart and caring woman. She ensured that she gets something of real value from her second husband and not actually for the money. She's in for stability, father figure for her son, family life. He took care of her son, gave her green card with her likely being from a less fortunate country. She loves him back and cares for him and your kids. It's not like she ran producing new set of kids and fighting with you over inheritance because she's not after your dad's money. It's a fair partnership, although she will be miserable when your dad dies.

OP is in a different situation. I don't see any future for a partnership forming there.

Well, she is smart. And she did get a lot of things of real value. Although she's not from a less-fortunate country, she's a well-educated person from Asia and she was already here on a work visa when they met.

But this is so important to understand-- she's pretty unhappy *now*, and I think she'll actually be relieved when he dies because then she can leave the rural area where he lives, which he will never agree to leave. The benefits to her in their "deal" were heavily front-loaded, and the benefits to him are back-loaded, so it was easy for her to focus on the near term and not think too hard about the later years. But eventually we all have to pay the piper. I don't think she'll actually leave him, but anyone can see that she's really unhappy.

I agree with you . Heard a similar story - rich republicans in rural areas love to marry immigrant women from Asia and Eastern Europe. And then lock them up in some Adirondacks or Iowa estate for life. I know a woman - a convert pianist back in her home country - who can’t travel at all being tied up to very old husband taking care of him. She travelered all over Europe on her 20s that’s how they met.
But maybe these women had no better options with men in their home countries.

OP is 27! She’s in the US, and can meet as many older rich men without kids as she wishes. Even a billionaire (if older men is her yam).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: We’ve only been dating a year and a half. I came here to hear both the good and the bad of a long term big age difference marriage to help me think things through as he was ready before I was in thinking about next steps, not because any decision about the future is imminent, I’m in no rush.

I’ve read everything and I hear the concerns. I very much appreciate the wisdom & knowledge of many of the older women here who’ve shared their experiences. Right now, we’re just enjoying each other’s company and thinking far into the future—not making decisions under pressure. Whatever decision (at minimum a year from now) I ultimately make for me and my future kids, I’ll be sure to own.

I misspoke earlier about the prenup, — he’s promised me money from his assets in the trust, not just the prenup. The prenup he’s promised is actually more generous than a typical marital equality split. But, I’m also working on building my own career and don’t plan on relying on a spouse in the future.

OP, honey, no. Do not give this man another year of your life! The years of your late twenties are PRIME time for meeting high-quality men. Do not spend this valuable year hemming and hawing about a man that you already know comes with some huge negatives.

Since nobody has brought this up yet, consider with your PhD, what's the job market like? Do you want to be confined to this area? Because if he's a good father, he won't be willing to move away from his kids while they're still in high school. And he might not want to move anyway. Are you willing to restrict your job options geographically?

Yea she must be already buying ticket from DC to New York, Seattle, Silicone Valley or Florida to find a rich old husband. There are plenty of never married former playboys and tech nurds in these areas in their 40s and 50s all wanting to date late 20s women. She can swim in money and wealth while getting her daddy kink craving satisfied

[Anonymous]

Here's what will happen:

You'll have another up to five years of real fun together, you'll be so happy, though your professional options will be limited by his geographic needs.

Then in your 30s, and his 50s, you'll have kids, you'll stop working because it doesn't make sense to work (read all the threads about the pressure of households with two FT working parents). You may have a hobby job. You won't see him very much, you'll be tired from the childcare and he'll be working a lot. You may have a huge house and will end up sleeping near the kids to keep an eye on them. He doesn't see the kids as much and isn't nearly as close to them as you are.

This whole time you are also a stepmom, the other kids resent you for digging into their inheritance, resent your kids for taking his attention and money. The ex wife is also around and every time you interact with her you feel bad.

In your 40s, your kids are a little more independent and you still feel and look young. You still have a high sex drive, actually it came back now that the kids are older. However your husband is in his 60s and is slowing down and looks like an old man. You are worn out from being a stepmom and all that involves.

This is the big question -- what do you end up doing now? What if you meet another Dad your age and feel attracted to him? You start looking towards the future -- you might be alive for another 30-40 years. What do you want that time to look like?

This is the point when many women in these kinds of marriages get divorced.

[Anonymous]

9:38 - You need to add that he's going to be very angry if she tries to leave when he's older. There are unspoken parts to the deal he's luring her with. One is that she's going to be his nurse as he ages. He'll fight her on everything in court if she tries to opt out of that. The attorneys fees will eat up any settlement. She'll end up poorer than she would have if she just focused on her career.

OP, you're in it for life or until he finds an upgrade. You're not going to walk away with his money.

[Anonymous]

In 10-15 years he may be looking to trade up to a younger desperate woman. Or be ready to retire as a sick man. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:38 - You need to add that he's going to be very angry if she tries to leave when he's older. There are unspoken parts to the deal he's luring her with. One is that she's going to be his nurse as he ages. He'll fight her on everything in court if she tries to opt out of that. The attorneys fees will eat up any settlement. She'll end up poorer than she would have if she just focused on her career.

OP, you're in it for life or until he finds an upgrade. You're not going to walk away with his money.

This is a good point. This relationship involves a lot of upside for him (you'll stay attractive until he is so old he doesn't care anymore, he will have someone to take care of him as he grows older), and a lot of downsides for her (blended family, no partner for the last 20 years of her life, and he won't actually be a true partner for the preceding 20 years while you are raising the kids.)

Right now, you are 27 and a phD candidate -- you are literally at the peak of your attractiveness and appearance of potential for partners. You will NEVER have as many options as you have right now (options for women change a lot after 30). Is this really the choice you want to make?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In 10-15 years he may be looking to trade up to a younger desperate woman. Or be ready to retire as a sick man. Ugh.

That’s what my exH did at his 55 yo. We married I was 24 he was 35. He began cheating in his early 50s and also being really verbally abusive and controlling with money. I filed for divorce and he now dates a 39 yo woman (he’s 59). AND he was bitter and angry that I divorced him, continued suing me even after we signed MSA and abused our child physically on his custody time.

These men don’t stop seeking to upgrade very selfish self-serving type

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In 10-15 years he may be looking to trade up to a younger desperate woman. Or be ready to retire as a sick man. Ugh.

Yea give it 10 years with OP. I know several men who married 3 times: first wife same age as them, second 10-20 years younger; third 30 years younger (last marriage and baby in their mid 60s)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:38 - You need to add that he's going to be very angry if she tries to leave when he's older. There are unspoken parts to the deal he's luring her with. One is that she's going to be his nurse as he ages. He'll fight her on everything in court if she tries to opt out of that. The attorneys fees will eat up any settlement. She'll end up poorer than she would have if she just focused on her career.

OP, you're in it for life or until he finds an upgrade. You're not going to walk away with his money.

She can get out. She needs to save 100% of her incone in a separate account to hold her over when she leaves. Also, he's not going to upgrade. Once he's 60, he's dead to younger women.

[Anonymous]

The fact you're asking tells you all you need to know. 35 should be your max at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In 10-15 years he may be looking to trade up to a younger desperate woman. Or be ready to retire as a sick man. Ugh.

Yea give it 10 years with OP. I know several men who married 3 times: first wife same age as them, second 10-20 years younger; third 30 years younger (last marriage and baby in their mid 60s)

The second wife istge would by relieved then. Third wife gets saggy grumpy old man with hair in his ears about to need a nurse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:9:38 - You need to add that he's going to be very angry if she tries to leave when he's older. There are unspoken parts to the deal he's luring her with. One is that she's going to be his nurse as he ages. He'll fight her on everything in court if she tries to opt out of that. The attorneys fees will eat up any settlement. She'll end up poorer than she would have if she just focused on her career.

OP, you're in it for life or until he finds an upgrade. You're not going to walk away with his money.

She can get out. She needs to save 100% of her incone in a separate account to hold her over when she leaves. Also, he's not going to upgrade. Once he's 60, he's dead to younger women.

No, when he’s 60 his $27m will quadruple in value. With this kind of money men never get old

I wouldn’t count on being the last woman he f..ks if I were OP

Act accordingly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I am going to be totally honest here that OP I would get yourself a pscyh evaluation- just to weed out if you are thinking with a clear head, have any daddy issues, or other issues. Spend a year in therapy-- take an emotional "gap month" for yourself-- don't break up, but just maybe go on a solo trip if you can, be alone and think what you really want.

None of us can say what to do.

For me, I am married to a man 10 year older and I can already feel him turn extremely grumpy as he gets older, and he will be 70 when my youngest graduates from high school. The caretaker risk is real, my friend.

I am on my second marriage, was married to someoene my own age previously, and he was absolutely immature and it was a terrible marriage.

So, I would take with a grain of salt the commenters that say the men who are older must be immature to be with you, 20 years younger. There are plenty of immature men your own age too....

I would say this:at 27, you may not realize your power, or thestakesof your choices.THat isabout the age when I married for the first time.You feel 30 approaching. You want to settle down. Take some time to really assess-- a gap month or a gap year-- emotionally-- life is not a conveyor belt, you can't produce a house and kids and marraige on time always....

You love him, you say-- maybe you do-- but is there any part of that love that is tied to stability nurturing,orsomething you lacked within yuour own family history at home?I had a lot of trauma growing up, nad I don'tthink I realized it at 27.....dig a bit deeper....Good luck!! There is no right or wrong answer here, claim your agency and what YOU want.

This is good advice