How to tell these parents I can’t help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

Are you socially a buffoon in real life too?

Maybe. But I don’t mince words. If I don’t feel like helping you out I’ll tell you so, not pretend that I really want to but I jUsT cAn’T!! In other words, I act like a grown up and own my choices.

Dp I disagree. I think the social niceness is better than being rude. How does it harm anyone to be civil rather than your way?

The main difference is, if it’s a reasonable request and we’re friends and you need help I will say “yes”. If I think you’re an entitled AH who is trying to take advantage of me I’ll say “no”. In the latter case I don’t give a sh!t about being civil since you were uncivil first.\

That's you then. I've had people say no and 'wished they could' and I appreciated the niceness. It was easier to take than your way which seems harsher. And btw, this was a friend but, I asked too late and her car was full. After that I decided not to ask anyone for any help because this was the one time I asked and was rejected. This way, I can honestly say no without feeling guilty!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

JFC. Then you CALL or TEXT the other parents and say “can’t take the kids today!” And let them figure it out!

Some of you people are so over the top it’s ridiculous.

Yeah this and a few recent posts have a few people scrambling to think of any reason possible, no matter how remote, why they can’t possibly help others. It’s so bizarre.

Meanwhile you’re scrambling to come up w reasons why this shouldn’t be a problem for OP when OP already said that it is a problem for her. She doesn’t even need to have an excuse IMO other than simply she doesn’t want to do it. I don’t think anyone would be expecting a working *dad* to do this. This is one of those things it seems people only ask women to do.

People will ask regardless of gender to dump their kids on others as they feel their needs are higher than others.

Is it “dumping” their kids?
Why doesn’t OP just ask to meet in her driveway and take turns walking the kids in? It sounds like she needs to work during that time anyway.

I get the desire not to spend 20 minutes in the school drop off line every day.

Yes OP could ask to take turns. But people are mad at OP for not wanting to simply be the designated drop off spots for parents wanting to avoid the drop off line. No one asked her to coordinate with them in a joint effort to get kids into school. They are asking for a one way favor.

Why don't these parents work among themselves to solve the problem. Why is OP their first call. If it were me my first call would be to the family who lived closest to me and whose kids take the same bus to see if we could find a way to help each other. I think it's weird that they instead reached out to OP who is not in this boat at all. This would never occur to me.

All of the it takes a village posters are conveniently missing this huge part of the post. This is not OP's problem to solve AT ALL. OP doesn't have a problem-she walks her kid to school just fine. They should be working within their own village (the bus village) to figure out a solution. That's where the give and take comes in. Asking OP is just taking with no giving. THAT is not a village.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

JFC. Then you CALL or TEXT the other parents and say “can’t take the kids today!” And let them figure it out!

Some of you people are so over the top it’s ridiculous.

Yeah this and a few recent posts have a few people scrambling to think of any reason possible, no matter how remote, why they can’t possibly help others. It’s so bizarre.

Meanwhile you’re scrambling to come up w reasons why this shouldn’t be a problem for OP when OP already said that it is a problem for her. She doesn’t even need to have an excuse IMO other than simply she doesn’t want to do it. I don’t think anyone would be expecting a working *dad* to do this. This is one of those things it seems people only ask women to do.

People will ask regardless of gender to dump their kids on others as they feel their needs are higher than others.

Is it “dumping” their kids?
Why doesn’t OP just ask to meet in her driveway and take turns walking the kids in? It sounds like she needs to work during that time anyway.

I get the desire not to spend 20 minutes in the school drop off line every day.

Yes OP could ask to take turns. But people are mad at OP for not wanting to simply be the designated drop off spots for parents wanting to avoid the drop off line. No one asked her to coordinate with them in a joint effort to get kids into school. They are asking for a one way favor.

Why don't these parents work among themselves to solve the problem. Why is OP their first call. If it were me my first call would be to the family who lived closest to me and whose kids take the same bus to see if we could find a way to help each other. I think it's weird that they instead reached out to OP who is not in this boat at all. This would never occur to me.

Only two people have reached out to her. It might be that they don’t have other kids from this school in their neighborhood.

I can imagine it occurring to me.
- How can I avoid the drop off line?
- Drop DC off a couple of blocks from school.
- Is that really safe? Maybe?
- Doesn’t Diane live 3 blocks from school? Maybe I can drop DC off at her house.
- I will ask her.

I think that's weird to think that. As a bus user, this should be a problem you can solve yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t really make any sense if OP lives close to school. If they’re dropping off at her house then why can’t they drop off at school? The only answer is that they want to drop off way earlier than the start of school, which makes sense because they are used to bus pick up times.
How old are these kids? If they’re old enough to walk alone, wouldn’t mind as much.

This. First paragraph is accurate and we ALL KNOW IT. Pig parents are so fast to jump all over an Op to defend aholes who offload their parenting inconveniences. End of.

+1

I thought the exact same thing. These parents really want her to watch the kids before school- and will slowly try to guilt her into doing that. If the issue is long drop off line, why can’t they park in a neighborhood and walk their kid, arriving at earliest allowed drop off time? 🤷‍♀️ It will likely end up the same timing for them, as OP says she typically leaves last minute (they’ll be back to their cars and leaving for work by then, if they arrive early).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t really make any sense if OP lives close to school. If they’re dropping off at her house then why can’t they drop off at school? The only answer is that they want to drop off way earlier than the start of school, which makes sense because they are used to bus pick up times.
How old are these kids? If they’re old enough to walk alone, wouldn’t mind as much.

This. First paragraph is accurate and we ALL KNOW IT. Pig parents are so fast to jump all over an Op to defend aholes who offload their parenting inconveniences. End of.

+1

I thought the exact same thing. These parents really want her to watch the kids before school- and will slowly try to guilt her into doing that. If the issue is long drop off line, why can’t they park in a neighborhood and walk their kid, arriving at earliest allowed drop off time? 🤷‍♀️ It will likely end up the same timing for them, as OP says she typically leaves last minute (they’ll be back to their cars and leaving for work by then, if they arrive early).

Maybe they have a junior high or high school student that also suddenly has no bus, and they can’t get to the school at the earliest drop off time. And maybe there isn’t parking around the school.
OP isn’t exactly offering her driveway for them to park in, and she’s their friend. What makes you think anyone else will?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t really make any sense if OP lives close to school. If they’re dropping off at her house then why can’t they drop off at school? The only answer is that they want to drop off way earlier than the start of school, which makes sense because they are used to bus pick up times.
How old are these kids? If they’re old enough to walk alone, wouldn’t mind as much.

This. First paragraph is accurate and we ALL KNOW IT. Pig parents are so fast to jump all over an Op to defend aholes who offload their parenting inconveniences. End of.

+1

I thought the exact same thing. These parents really want her to watch the kids before school- and will slowly try to guilt her into doing that. If the issue is long drop off line, why can’t they park in a neighborhood and walk their kid, arriving at earliest allowed drop off time? 🤷‍♀️ It will likely end up the same timing for them, as OP says she typically leaves last minute (they’ll be back to their cars and leaving for work by then, if they arrive early).

Maybe they have a junior high or high school student that also suddenly has no bus, and they can’t get to the school at the earliest drop off time. And maybe there isn’t parking around the school.
OP isn’t exactly offering her driveway for them to park in, and she’s their friend. What makes you think anyone else will?

If there is absolutely nowhere to park then they can get up early & be the first one in the drop off line. They’ll still be out of there earlier than they would be with this “drop off at OP’s house” plan. If they actually do have older kids aged junior high+, they should know how to handle this stuff by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t really make any sense if OP lives close to school. If they’re dropping off at her house then why can’t they drop off at school? The only answer is that they want to drop off way earlier than the start of school, which makes sense because they are used to bus pick up times.
How old are these kids? If they’re old enough to walk alone, wouldn’t mind as much.

This. First paragraph is accurate and we ALL KNOW IT. Pig parents are so fast to jump all over an Op to defend aholes who offload their parenting inconveniences. End of.

+1

I thought the exact same thing. These parents really want her to watch the kids before school- and will slowly try to guilt her into doing that. If the issue is long drop off line, why can’t they park in a neighborhood and walk their kid, arriving at earliest allowed drop off time? 🤷‍♀️ It will likely end up the same timing for them, as OP says she typically leaves last minute (they’ll be back to their cars and leaving for work by then, if they arrive early).

Maybe they have a junior high or high school student that also suddenly has no bus, and they can’t get to the school at the earliest drop off time. And maybe there isn’t parking around the school.
OP isn’t exactly offering her driveway for them to park in, and she’s their friend. What makes you think anyone else will?

I really appreciate the whole people are just making up excuses to say No when you are just making up situations where the drop off parents familiy and needs are somehow greater and more important than the OP.

Also, to the person who said my first thought would be how can I avoid the drop off line---- that apparently you want OP to be a part of, thats just the type of blinded hypocrisy we are calling out.

The people most likely to reciprocate and need their problem of no transport solved are the other bus kids. That would be my first inclination. And they didnt offer- off the bat- to say hey if we drop off the kids MWF we can pick up T/TH. They didnt offer a village to begin with. They are takers, plain and simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

It's interesting to me that people like you think a "real reason" must show some logistical challenge or consequence. "Doesn't want to" can't be a real reason because it's too squishy, right?

The thing is, I highly value my morning routine with my kid. Our house is calm and joyful in the morning. We are not in a rush because we've set our lives up (WFH, walkable commute to school, one kid) intentionally to keep things chill. Breakfast and the walk to school are a time when my kid talks openly with me and we connect.

I don't think I should have to explain that to anyone in order to avoid having what I like about my mornings ruined by extra obligations and more people in the house. But I also think this is a "real" reason not to do it. Just a private and personal one.

Ok, so instead of simply saying “no,” OP can say “no, I don’t want to.” Either way she’s signaling that she’s not part of the community. Which is her choice.

And I get it, I’m an introvert and I like my peace. But, I suck it up and do these things to be a good member of my community. That way, when I’m in a bind I have people who I know will help me out. My kids are now in HS and I’m glad I helped out bc I’ve ended up needing as much help as I give and I’ve never had someone say “no” when I need a hand.

JFC it's not that deep. But if this is how you determine who is in your "community" I'm gladly opting out by any means necessary.

Yeah. It kind of is that deep. This stuff is part of being a good member of the community.
Either people carpool or walk their kids in or every single kid is dropped off in their own individual car and the drop-off line is 30 minutes long.

This is a system of trade. You help me, I help you. The PP may be using the term community, but it's essentially the same thing. You do favors and when you need one, you ideally have a group of people that you can ask a favor of. Some people abuse it, either by asking for too many favors, or by never reciprocating. This is why some of us are advocating a partial favor, unless the other parents have shown that they are always the takers. This kind of system greases the wheels at work, in neighborhoods, in families, etc.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the posters who said the bus people are in their own “village” here and need to work it out among themselves. No way would I be opening up my house to babysit random kids in the mornings so a taker parent can avoid looking after their kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree about the bus village comments. The reason they can't solve it amongst themselves is they are all selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree about the bus village comments. The reason they can't solve it amongst themselves is they are all selfish.

Isn’t your school community a village? By your logic, I guess there’s a SAHM village, a pancreatic cancer village, an older-siblings-at-ivies village. WTF. The village is not so limited or transactional. You help when you can and you ask for help when you need it. This is a failed society. And before some selfish harpy declares me a taker, I have given so much more than I’ve ever asked. And I don’t mind because I was able to help. I had the resources. I don’t have this little ledger where I give and must receive an equal amount in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree about the bus village comments. The reason they can't solve it amongst themselves is they are all selfish.

Isn’t your school community a village? By your logic, I guess there’s a SAHM village, a pancreatic cancer village, an older-siblings-at-ivies village. WTF. The village is not so limited or transactional. You help when you can and you ask for help when you need it. This is a failed society. And before some selfish harpy declares me a taker, I have given so much more than I’ve ever asked. And I don’t mind because I was able to help. I had the resources. I don’t have this little ledger where I give and must receive an equal amount in return.

The problem here is that OP can help them literally just as much as they can help themselves. They can all drive, or they can all park somewhere close to school and walk. So why should OP be expected to babysit someone else’s kids for free every day (because that’s clearly what this is about) while getting ready for her workday and then be responsible for making sure they all get to school safely just because she happens to live a little closer to school? Do you realize how insane you sound?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree about the bus village comments. The reason they can't solve it amongst themselves is they are all selfish.

Isn’t your school community a village? By your logic, I guess there’s a SAHM village, a pancreatic cancer village, an older-siblings-at-ivies village. WTF. The village is not so limited or transactional. You help when you can and you ask for help when you need it. This is a failed society. And before some selfish harpy declares me a taker, I have given so much more than I’ve ever asked. And I don’t mind because I was able to help. I had the resources. I don’t have this little ledger where I give and must receive an equal amount in return.

The problem here is that OP can help them literally just as much as they can help themselves. They can all drive, or they can all park somewhere close to school and walk. So why should OP be expected to babysit someone else’s kids for free every day (because that’s clearly what this is about) while getting ready for her workday and then be responsible for making sure they all get to school safely just because she happens to live a little closer to school? Do you realize how insane you sound?

Yes this comment is mental. The "village" is not expecting someone to cook every night of a meal train for example. The other parents are dumping on OP and not contributing to the village.

[Anonymous]

Just say no. No explanation needed. This is something I would not do. Participate in the village in another way. Agree with the PPs that if they can drive over and drop their child off at your house, then they can drive over to the school or drive and park and walk the one block to the school with their child themselves.

[Anonymous]

Yea no. There are probably 4 kids that wait at the same bus stop or near it. Those 4 families should have a carpool. Even better if they all have large cars and can fit a 5th family. Then they only have to get their child to school once a week. It’s what I would’ve done in this situation: arranged a carpool with kids that live near us