How to tell these parents I can’t help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

No, the village is give and take.

In order to have give and take someone has to be the first to give.

All the bus families should be giving so they can take, in order to solve their problem. OP is not in that group at all, and yet they want her to be the only one to give anything so they can take everything. Can you explain why you think OP should be involved at all in these arrangements? Why should her workday be interrupted to babysit someone’s kids just because they don’t want to do it themselves?

Can you explain to me why OP doesn’t ask for the parents to take turns walking the kids from her house?
That way her workday doesn’t have to be interrupted to walk her child every day and the other parents are able to get their children to school.
What’s her big problem?

Umm because this “problem” has nothing to do with her?? You honestly sound completely insane. Maybe OP actually enjoys getting her own child off to school in the morning. She’s not asking for things to be different. The people with the actual problem need to come together and solve their own problem, not push it onto OP who is completely removed from the whole situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

No, the village is give and take.

In order to have give and take someone has to be the first to give.

All the bus families should be giving so they can take, in order to solve their problem. OP is not in that group at all, and yet they want her to be the only one to give anything so they can take everything. Can you explain why you think OP should be involved at all in these arrangements? Why should her workday be interrupted to babysit someone’s kids just because they don’t want to do it themselves?

Can you explain to me why OP doesn’t ask for the parents to take turns walking the kids from her house?
That way her workday doesn’t have to be interrupted to walk her child every day and the other parents are able to get their children to school.
What’s her big problem?

What?! You are really twisting yourself into a pretzel to figure out some way that OP needs to be roped into a situation she has nothing to do with. Presumably there were several bus kids. Those "several" families need to coordinate among themselves to solve THEIR problem. And while they are welcome to try and make THEIR problem some other unsuspecting person's who isn't impacted by the bus situation (OP) she has said that she doesn't want to do to do it and she's under no obligation.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

JFC. Then you CALL or TEXT the other parents and say “can’t take the kids today!” And let them figure it out!

Some of you people are so over the top it’s ridiculous.

Yeah this and a few recent posts have a few people scrambling to think of any reason possible, no matter how remote, why they can’t possibly help others. It’s so bizarre.

Meanwhile you’re scrambling to come up w reasons why this shouldn’t be a problem for OP when OP already said that it is a problem for her. She doesn’t even need to have an excuse IMO other than simply she doesn’t want to do it. I don’t think anyone would be expecting a working *dad* to do this. This is one of those things it seems people only ask women to do.

I would. Our neighbor is my son’s lacrosse coach. He has to go to every single practice. I asked him if he can take DS with him.
If he’s not going or his child isn’t going for whatever reason, then he lets me know.

That's inappropiate. And, you should be paying him.

No. It’s weird to drive separately every day. And it’s weird to offer him cash.
I made their family a couple of lasagnas and sent a Thank You note.

sure you did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

JFC. Then you CALL or TEXT the other parents and say “can’t take the kids today!” And let them figure it out!

Some of you people are so over the top it’s ridiculous.

Yeah this and a few recent posts have a few people scrambling to think of any reason possible, no matter how remote, why they can’t possibly help others. It’s so bizarre.

Meanwhile you’re scrambling to come up w reasons why this shouldn’t be a problem for OP when OP already said that it is a problem for her. She doesn’t even need to have an excuse IMO other than simply she doesn’t want to do it. I don’t think anyone would be expecting a working *dad* to do this. This is one of those things it seems people only ask women to do.

People will ask regardless of gender to dump their kids on others as they feel their needs are higher than others.

Is it “dumping” their kids?
Why doesn’t OP just ask to meet in her driveway and take turns walking the kids in? It sounds like she needs to work during that time anyway.

I get the desire not to spend 20 minutes in the school drop off line every day.

Yes OP could ask to take turns. But people are mad at OP for not wanting to simply be the designated drop off spots for parents wanting to avoid the drop off line. No one asked her to coordinate with them in a joint effort to get kids into school. They are asking for a one way favor.

Why don't these parents work among themselves to solve the problem. Why is OP their first call. If it were me my first call would be to the family who lived closest to me and whose kids take the same bus to see if we could find a way to help each other. I think it's weird that they instead reached out to OP who is not in this boat at all. This would never occur to me.

Only two people have reached out to her. It might be that they don’t have other kids from this school in their neighborhood.

I can imagine it occurring to me.
- How can I avoid the drop off line?
- Drop DC off a couple of blocks from school.
- Is that really safe? Maybe?
- Doesn’t Diane live 3 blocks from school? Maybe I can drop DC off at her house.
- I will ask her.

you need to readjust your thinking so that you don't feel the need to transfer your parental responsibilities to someone else. Also it's always the phrasing of the asker that pisses me off. Do you mind if I "drop off" Larla....making it sounds so simple and easy.

[Anonymous]

If it were me, I would not mind for my kids’ friends to walk with us in the mornings. I would set a small window of time during which they could be dropped off to walk with us. I don’t want to babysit kids while trying to get mine ready, get my day started. And if they are late the other parent will just have to take their kid to the school.

I would decline helping out in the afternoon and would use work/after school activities schedule as an excuse. I would not want to babysit extra kids every day in the afternoon if parents are late.

It’s good to help out friends when we can. My children like being with their friends. Hopefully they can return the favor someday.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I'd probably agree but keep a firm boundary if it turns inconvenient in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“So sorry but I can’t- just too much on my plate right now. My schedule has been crazy. Really hope this bus thing gets resolved soon!”

or similar. Don’t give too much info.

That said, I don’t really see the big deal about helping. Even if you agreed to do just AM or PM (not both). It takes a village. And you might need help sometime too.

But anyway- just keep the reply friendly, short and simple.

It only tAkeS a vIlLaGe when people *want* something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

This response is ridiculous. So many of you are either doormats or users yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM who didn't check my texts when a snow day was announced because I knew there would be a few texts from working moms asking me to take their kid all day for free. No. I do this for my kids, not your kids. It isn't my responsibility to fill in your childcare cracks. OP, you can ignore the text. It sends a message and that message is go find another sucker.

Yes heaven forbid you help your community on the 1 or 2 snow days a year 🙄 I’ve been both a sahm and wohm and I don’t get people like you. I want to be a good friend and community member and help where I can and it costs me little to nothing. I’ve done 100% of the driving for an activity for my kid and a classmate bc otherwise the classmate couldn’t do it - what’s the sense in that? It was fun to hear their convo. Those parents work like crazy and will never be able to pay back on rides, but so what.

You get the friends and community you earn - I have very valued friendships, people that care deeply about my children even if they never once give them a ride, and a community that provided immeasurable emotional and practical support when we had a major family crisis. But yeah you keep making sure you’re not taken advantage of the one or two days a year (and no I’m not that person calling you and trying to justify it- we have paid help that we rely on when needed)

We get it. You’re a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“So sorry but I can’t- just too much on my plate right now. My schedule has been crazy. Really hope this bus thing gets resolved soon!”

or similar. Don’t give too much info.

That said, I don’t really see the big deal about helping. Even if you agreed to do just AM or PM (not both). It takes a village. And you might need help sometime too.

But anyway- just keep the reply friendly, short and simple.

It only tAkeS a vIlLaGe when people *want* something.

Exactly. Notice the parents in OP's situation did not ask for the village to come together and share the before school transportation responsibilities. They asked for OP to accommodate them, with no offer of doing any part of it themselves.

[Anonymous]

No response is a response. Just simply don’t answer back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

No, the village is give and take.

In order to have give and take someone has to be the first to give.

Fine, but the giving and taking will not be remotely equal. OP would be doing this TWICE A DAY EVERY DAY while the bus is on its weekly off rotations. There is no way those other parents would ever be able to respond in a commensurate way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

Yeah and the weird leaps that these parents (who are in a bad spot!) are just takers and will just drain OP through endless favors, will never reciprocate, etc

Like, you don’t always have to assume the worst of people. Or that the worst thing will happen. Be a little more open minded. Every parent will be in a spot at least once where they will need someone to call on!

They could reciprocate right now, by trading off rides, but obviously they aren’t willing to do that. OP isn’t missing out on anything here.

+1

These bus rider parents are clearly not givers...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

No, the village is give and take.

In order to have give and take someone has to be the first to give.

All the bus families should be giving so they can take, in order to solve their problem. OP is not in that group at all, and yet they want her to be the only one to give anything so they can take everything. Can you explain why you think OP should be involved at all in these arrangements? Why should her workday be interrupted to babysit someone’s kids just because they don’t want to do it themselves?

George, all I did was hand someone a bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were me, I would not mind for my kids’ friends to walk with us in the mornings. I would set a small window of time during which they could be dropped off to walk with us. I don’t want to babysit kids while trying to get mine ready, get my day started. And if they are late the other parent will just have to take their kid to the school.

I would decline helping out in the afternoon and would use work/after school activities schedule as an excuse. I would not want to babysit extra kids every day in the afternoon if parents are late.

It’s good to help out friends when we can. My children like being with their friends. Hopefully they can return the favor someday.

How small a window? I'm being serious. I would say our mornings with elementary-aged kids, who can get themselves dressed and prepare their own breakfasts, run on about a 3-minute window for them to leave the house to walk to the bus stop. There's no way both sets of parents could get their kids to OP's house in the morning within a 3-minute window every day. And in any event, on the days my kids are running behind, the last thing I'd want would be other kids showing up. I would absolutely help a friend or friends out in a situation like this for a week or so, but this sounds like a rotating schedule of closures and the school year has just begun!