How to tell these parents I can’t help?

[Anonymous]

You are smart to say no OP. I was in a similar situation and once I opened the gate even just a little bit, the flood came in. And once it is opened people get pissed when you close it. And the "if you help them they will help you" doesn't usually apply. Now I just say no with no guilt. Be nice and blame it on your crazy schedule and be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are smart to say no OP. I was in a similar situation and once I opened the gate even just a little bit, the flood came in. And once it is opened people get pissed when you close it. And the "if you help them they will help you" doesn't usually apply. Now I just say no with no guilt. Be nice and blame it on your crazy schedule and be done.

Yes, if the arrangement begins with them just taking they will never give. Just take take take.

[Anonymous]

This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

No, the village is give and take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

No, the village is give and take.

In order to have give and take someone has to be the first to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

Yeah and the weird leaps that these parents (who are in a bad spot!) are just takers and will just drain OP through endless favors, will never reciprocate, etc

Like, you don’t always have to assume the worst of people. Or that the worst thing will happen. Be a little more open minded. Every parent will be in a spot at least once where they will need someone to call on!

[Anonymous]

The strangest part of this to me is the number of people who seem to have missed the part where OP's child doesn't even ride the bus that's been canceled. OP isn't a part of the bus "village" to begin with! To me it makes sense for the parents of kids who DO ride the bus to band together and trade off carpooling among those who are interested in participating.

OP, I realized when my kids were small that I was only willing to give rides/help out/etc. when I could do it 100 percent of the time without the other person reciprocating and not have it make me resentful. You are allowed to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

No, the village is give and take.

In order to have give and take someone has to be the first to give.

All the bus families should be giving so they can take, in order to solve their problem. OP is not in that group at all, and yet they want her to be the only one to give anything so they can take everything. Can you explain why you think OP should be involved at all in these arrangements? Why should her workday be interrupted to babysit someone’s kids just because they don’t want to do it themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

Yeah and the weird leaps that these parents (who are in a bad spot!) are just takers and will just drain OP through endless favors, will never reciprocate, etc

Like, you don’t always have to assume the worst of people. Or that the worst thing will happen. Be a little more open minded. Every parent will be in a spot at least once where they will need someone to call on!

They could reciprocate right now, by trading off rides, but obviously they aren’t willing to do that. OP isn’t missing out on anything here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

No, the village is give and take.

In order to have give and take someone has to be the first to give.

All the bus families should be giving so they can take, in order to solve their problem. OP is not in that group at all, and yet they want her to be the only one to give anything so they can take everything. Can you explain why you think OP should be involved at all in these arrangements? Why should her workday be interrupted to babysit someone’s kids just because they don’t want to do it themselves?

Can you explain to me why OP doesn’t ask for the parents to take turns walking the kids from her house?
That way her workday doesn’t have to be interrupted to walk her child every day and the other parents are able to get their children to school.
What’s her big problem?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

JFC. Then you CALL or TEXT the other parents and say “can’t take the kids today!” And let them figure it out!

Some of you people are so over the top it’s ridiculous.

Yeah this and a few recent posts have a few people scrambling to think of any reason possible, no matter how remote, why they can’t possibly help others. It’s so bizarre.

Meanwhile you’re scrambling to come up w reasons why this shouldn’t be a problem for OP when OP already said that it is a problem for her. She doesn’t even need to have an excuse IMO other than simply she doesn’t want to do it. I don’t think anyone would be expecting a working *dad* to do this. This is one of those things it seems people only ask women to do.

People will ask regardless of gender to dump their kids on others as they feel their needs are higher than others.

Is it “dumping” their kids?
Why doesn’t OP just ask to meet in her driveway and take turns walking the kids in? It sounds like she needs to work during that time anyway.

I get the desire not to spend 20 minutes in the school drop off line every day.

Yes OP could ask to take turns. But people are mad at OP for not wanting to simply be the designated drop off spots for parents wanting to avoid the drop off line. No one asked her to coordinate with them in a joint effort to get kids into school. They are asking for a one way favor.

Why don't these parents work among themselves to solve the problem. Why is OP their first call. If it were me my first call would be to the family who lived closest to me and whose kids take the same bus to see if we could find a way to help each other. I think it's weird that they instead reached out to OP who is not in this boat at all. This would never occur to me.

Only two people have reached out to her. It might be that they don’t have other kids from this school in their neighborhood.

I can imagine it occurring to me.
- How can I avoid the drop off line?
- Drop DC off a couple of blocks from school.
- Is that really safe? Maybe?
- Doesn’t Diane live 3 blocks from school? Maybe I can drop DC off at her house.
- I will ask her.

DP. If I was trying to avoid car line I wouldn’t just ask someone if they could take my kid. I’d throw it out as an idea and caveat that if it doesn’t work no worries, but could I park near your house and have our kids walk together. If you can walk them in the mornings I can get them in the afternoons. Or I would only ask for this in a pinch on a morning when DH and I have important meetings and even then only with a friend I’m close enough to feel comfortable asking.

In general I never ask other parents for favors (aside from a one off emergency) without proposing to share the load. E.g. Hey! I saw Larlo was also invited to Larlito’s birthday party. Any chance you could give DS a ride there so I can sibling to a soccer game that is at the same time, and then I’m happy to pick them up from the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

No, the village is give and take.

In order to have give and take someone has to be the first to give.

All the bus families should be giving so they can take, in order to solve their problem. OP is not in that group at all, and yet they want her to be the only one to give anything so they can take everything. Can you explain why you think OP should be involved at all in these arrangements? Why should her workday be interrupted to babysit someone’s kids just because they don’t want to do it themselves?

George, all I did was hand someone a bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree about the bus village comments. The reason they can't solve it amongst themselves is they are all selfish.

Isn’t your school community a village? By your logic, I guess there’s a SAHM village, a pancreatic cancer village, an older-siblings-at-ivies village. WTF. The village is not so limited or transactional. You help when you can and you ask for help when you need it. This is a failed society. And before some selfish harpy declares me a taker, I have given so much more than I’ve ever asked. And I don’t mind because I was able to help. I had the resources. I don’t have this little ledger where I give and must receive an equal amount in return.

It is a failed society. That's why I am recommending that OP not help these people. 10 years ago I didn't realize it was a failed society and I would have of course said "yes no problem" to this request. In fact my instinct to help is so strong that I'd probably STILL say that a lot of the time even though I should know better.

But what I've learned in the interim is that we do in fact live in a failed society. We live in a society where some people take and don't give and then some people give and never take. I got assigned "giver" and so I gave and gave and gave and still sometimes give. And since I'm a giver I also don't ask others to give unless I really really need it. Because that's part of my giving -- I don't want to unfairly burden others.

But turns out a bunch of people got assigned "takers" and their experience is totally different. These are the doted on kids of parents who taught them that they are better than other people and that if they ask for help others will stop in. And if they don't then THEY are selfish and you are entitled to cajole and needle them to get your way. These are the people who seem to be "lucky" a lot of the time -- things just slide into place for them. The more time you spend with them the more you realize it's not luck -- it's expectations. They expect others to bend for them. And since a lot of those people are givers like me it happens. And momentum builds and takers wind up getting favors without even asking eventually. "Luck."

I am tired of giving. I am tired of being the mirror that shines the light on the lucky ones. I don't want to be a taker but I just want to invest more of my energy in serving myself and my immediate family instead of this select group of people we've all decided deserve our service. Those people can figure it out themselves for once (or more likely one of the other givers will help them). Best of "luck" to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

No, the village is give and take.

In order to have give and take someone has to be the first to give.

All the bus families should be giving so they can take, in order to solve their problem. OP is not in that group at all, and yet they want her to be the only one to give anything so they can take everything. Can you explain why you think OP should be involved at all in these arrangements? Why should her workday be interrupted to babysit someone’s kids just because they don’t want to do it themselves?

Can you explain to me why OP doesn’t ask for the parents to take turns walking the kids from her house?
That way her workday doesn’t have to be interrupted to walk her child every day and the other parents are able to get their children to school.
What’s her big problem?

Why is it OP's job to suggest this. OP does not have a commute issue.

How about OP says "no I'm sorry I can't take your kids -- it won't work with my work schedule and I can't have other kids at the house in the morning." And then if the other parents want to say "oh I get it -- would it be possible for us to just park at your house and walk from there? If you want we could take turns with you as well."

This isn't OP's problem to solve. These people are adults and they have a problem to fix. OP should set her boundary and if they want to suggest something else that actually does work with her schedule they can. But it's not OP's job to figure that out for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree about the bus village comments. The reason they can't solve it amongst themselves is they are all selfish.

Isn’t your school community a village? By your logic, I guess there’s a SAHM village, a pancreatic cancer village, an older-siblings-at-ivies village. WTF. The village is not so limited or transactional. You help when you can and you ask for help when you need it. This is a failed society. And before some selfish harpy declares me a taker, I have given so much more than I’ve ever asked. And I don’t mind because I was able to help. I had the resources. I don’t have this little ledger where I give and must receive an equal amount in return.

It is a failed society. That's why I am recommending that OP not help these people. 10 years ago I didn't realize it was a failed society and I would have of course said "yes no problem" to this request. In fact my instinct to help is so strong that I'd probably STILL say that a lot of the time even though I should know better.

But what I've learned in the interim is that we do in fact live in a failed society. We live in a society where some people take and don't give and then some people give and never take. I got assigned "giver" and so I gave and gave and gave and still sometimes give. And since I'm a giver I also don't ask others to give unless I really really need it. Because that's part of my giving -- I don't want to unfairly burden others.

But turns out a bunch of people got assigned "takers" and their experience is totally different. These are the doted on kids of parents who taught them that they are better than other people and that if they ask for help others will stop in. And if they don't then THEY are selfish and you are entitled to cajole and needle them to get your way. These are the people who seem to be "lucky" a lot of the time -- things just slide into place for them. The more time you spend with them the more you realize it's not luck -- it's expectations. They expect others to bend for them. And since a lot of those people are givers like me it happens. And momentum builds and takers wind up getting favors without even asking eventually. "Luck."

I am tired of giving. I am tired of being the mirror that shines the light on the lucky ones. I don't want to be a taker but I just want to invest more of my energy in serving myself and my immediate family instead of this select group of people we've all decided deserve our service. Those people can figure it out themselves for once (or more likely one of the other givers will help them). Best of "luck" to them.

💯