How to tell these parents I can’t help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

No, the village is give and take.

In order to have give and take someone has to be the first to give.

Fine, but the giving and taking will not be remotely equal. OP would be doing this TWICE A DAY EVERY DAY while the bus is on its weekly off rotations. There is no way those other parents would ever be able to respond in a commensurate way.

+1 people are greatly underestimating the accumulative burden this places on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

Yeah and the weird leaps that these parents (who are in a bad spot!) are just takers and will just drain OP through endless favors, will never reciprocate, etc

Like, you don’t always have to assume the worst of people. Or that the worst thing will happen. Be a little more open minded. Every parent will be in a spot at least once where they will need someone to call on!

They could reciprocate right now, by trading off rides, but obviously they aren’t willing to do that. OP isn’t missing out on anything here.

+1

These bus rider parents are clearly not givers...

This. If I was in this situation, I'd start a group text with our neighbors and lead off by offering to take a few shifts

[Anonymous]

Ugh just say no. Take it from someone who recently agreed to an “emergency, one-time” carpool situation which continues with more emergencies, work trips, stuck-in-traffic pleas for help. Have to get out of it now, which is way worse than never having begun. Voice from the future.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised everyone is so opposed to helping out. I’m an immigrant but this a good lesson for me to try and avoid asking my neighbors for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh just say no. Take it from someone who recently agreed to an “emergency, one-time” carpool situation which continues with more emergencies, work trips, stuck-in-traffic pleas for help. Have to get out of it now, which is way worse than never having begun. Voice from the future.

Listen to this person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not DC local so don’t panic for yourself!

Our school district just sent out emails informing us all of a sudden that a dozen busses will be cancelled on a weeks long rotating basis starting tomorrow. I WFH and have flexibility and walk or drive my child because we don’t live within bus boundary. I found out about the cancellation because TWO of DS school friends parents texted me asking if I could drive their kids with mine during the closure.

I haven’t responded; I came here first!

I don’t want to do this. I have no clue how long this will go on, but I can’t be a permanent solution. Besides, I don’t want to watch kids before school/work, and I drop DS off right before the bell. It would be just as easy for these parents to drop their child off at the school; our house is only a few blocks from the school.

So what’s the best way to explain this tactfully?

Just be direct. “No” is a complete sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not DC local so don’t panic for yourself!

Our school district just sent out emails informing us all of a sudden that a dozen busses will be cancelled on a weeks long rotating basis starting tomorrow. I WFH and have flexibility and walk or drive my child because we don’t live within bus boundary. I found out about the cancellation because TWO of DS school friends parents texted me asking if I could drive their kids with mine during the closure.

I haven’t responded; I came here first!

I don’t want to do this. I have no clue how long this will go on, but I can’t be a permanent solution. Besides, I don’t want to watch kids before school/work, and I drop DS off right before the bell. It would be just as easy for these parents to drop their child off at the school; our house is only a few blocks from the school.

So what’s the best way to explain this tactfully?

You just say no. There is no need to explain or justify your decision. If you feel that you must give an explanation then you simply say "I an not available."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what's wrong with the US....... Seriously OP sounds ridiculous. People talk about the need for a village, but yet when you get a chance to help out you "can't"

A village is give and take. What is OP getting from this village?

Some are lucky enough not to need it. They are lucky enough to only have to give which can be rewarding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

No, the village is give and take.

In order to have give and take someone has to be the first to give.

Fine, but the giving and taking will not be remotely equal. OP would be doing this TWICE A DAY EVERY DAY while the bus is on its weekly off rotations. There is no way those other parents would ever be able to respond in a commensurate way.

+1 people are greatly underestimating the accumulative burden this places on OP.

dp I am the "no" poster but I am also a person who wouldn't ask these people for favors. So, I don't give them an opportunity to say no! If I can't do something or my kids can't do something without inconveniencing someone else than we don't do it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem, OP, is not that you can’t do it, but that you don’t feel like doing it (but you don’t want to cone right out and tell them that because you don’t want them to think you’re a jerk).

Just be honest and then don’t expect any favors, ever, from these people going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised of they just completely write you off, but it’s your choice.

Are you socially a buffoon in real life too?

Maybe. But I don’t mince words. If I don’t feel like helping you out I’ll tell you so, not pretend that I really want to but I jUsT cAn’T!! In other words, I act like a grown up and own my choices.

Dp I disagree. I think the social niceness is better than being rude. How does it harm anyone to be civil rather than your way?

Well its certainly a very efficient way for PP to lead a very isolated existence where people avoid her, so I guess she gets what she wants

You know if I was around takers I would rather be alone and 'isolated' than dealing with these people. People would respect her because she gave them boundaries. And if not, no big loss

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what's wrong with the US....... Seriously OP sounds ridiculous. People talk about the need for a village, but yet when you get a chance to help out you "can't"

A village is give and take. What is OP getting from this village?

Some are lucky enough not to need it. They are lucky enough to only have to give which can be rewarding.

It's not "luck." OP made choices that allowed her to have this flexibility. For most people who make these choices, they are "lucky" enough to take a lower salary or maybe not go as far in their career in exchange for this flexibility.

These other parents are "lucky" enough to be earning income from the jobs they are going to. Maybe they are "lucky" enough to give some of that income to OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what's wrong with the US....... Seriously OP sounds ridiculous. People talk about the need for a village, but yet when you get a chance to help out you "can't"

A village is give and take. What is OP getting from this village?

Some are lucky enough not to need it. They are lucky enough to only have to give which can be rewarding.

It's not "luck." OP made choices that allowed her to have this flexibility. For most people who make these choices, they are "lucky" enough to take a lower salary or maybe not go as far in their career in exchange for this flexibility.

These other parents are "lucky" enough to be earning income from the jobs they are going to. Maybe they are "lucky" enough to give some of that income to OP?

This. Childcare arrangements and schedules are not luck. You need to plan carefully and build in time to deal with inevitable changes. Dumping on other people is not a solution it makes you a taker.

[Anonymous]

There have been lots of threads like this recently and I’m disgusted by how there’s always a few people who accuse OPs of not doing enough for their “village” of acquaintances/kid’s friends when she doesn’t want to assume an unpaid daily or near daily task. They give off JD Vance vibes, acting as if women exist only to serve others.

I work from home and struggle to be on time. For most of these threads, I would decline the task. I would, however, be willing to do the morning drop off in this situation IF the kids are older, will sit quietly in my sitting room, and be quick in putting on their shoes, etc so the transition time is minimal. But I certainly don’t think you owe anyone or deserve any shame for saying no.

[Anonymous]

OP, your responsibility is to your own children, and nobody else's. Other parents have to put on their big kid pants and parent through these situations. It's their problem, not yours. I would not even respond to their texts. If you don't want to do it, then you don't have to.

-Long time SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so funny. It’s half ppl saying “say no OP.” And half people saying “if you say no, maybe ppl won’t help you when you need it.”

Then the “say no OP” people are all “screw you for telling me ppl won’t help me if I don’t help them!!!!” Huh? So you guys always say no, but EXPECT people to help you out when you need it? And you’re the ones calling ppl who volunteer to help “pigs?”

Yeah and the weird leaps that these parents (who are in a bad spot!) are just takers and will just drain OP through endless favors, will never reciprocate, etc

Like, you don’t always have to assume the worst of people. Or that the worst thing will happen. Be a little more open minded. Every parent will be in a spot at least once where they will need someone to call on!

They could reciprocate right now, by trading off rides, but obviously they aren’t willing to do that. OP isn’t missing out on anything here.

+1

These bus rider parents are clearly not givers...

This. If I was in this situation, I'd start a group text with our neighbors and lead off by offering to take a few shifts

One of your neighbors would be on here complaining that you called them asking to bring their kid to your house at a certain time mornings you drive and then asking them to drive your kid to school other days.
Don’t you understand that they are also working from home and need to be flexible on when their kid leaves for school and that they actually *enjoy* driving their kid to school during the bus outage?

I mean, the audacity of some people reaching out to other people for support