Who is unreasonable here: Friend A or Friend B?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is so focused on validating OP and vilifying the friend. A totally reasonable alternative narrative here is that OP is a resentful, jealous mess of a person.

Who knows what the truth is. Friend A/OP: ultimately no one cares. Maintain the friendship or don’t. You’re moving so just figure it out. This isn’t hard. Presumably you’re an adult and can function in the adult world. If you want the friendship let bygones by bygones and if you don’t, perfect time to sever ties.

On DCUM, you have to take stories like this at face value unless the OP changes the story or there are giant holes in it. I don't know OP or her friend and will never know "the truth" here -- maybe OP is writing a short story and made the whole thing up. I can only respond to the truth as presented by the OP. And in her OP, I think the friend has behaved in a rude and thoughtless manner. I'm not even interested in validating OP, who I think needs to learn to stand up to people like this in the future. But that doesn't change the fact that as described, the friend's behavior sucks. You don't view you friend's loss as your own personal gain. That's tacky and obnoxious.

Best reply. I embarrassingly read this entire thread. Need to get back to my day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is so focused on validating OP and vilifying the friend. A totally reasonable alternative narrative here is that OP is a resentful, jealous mess of a person.

Who knows what the truth is. Friend A/OP: ultimately no one cares. Maintain the friendship or don’t. You’re moving so just figure it out. This isn’t hard. Presumably you’re an adult and can function in the adult world. If you want the friendship let bygones by bygones and if you don’t, perfect time to sever ties.

On DCUM, you have to take stories like this at face value unless the OP changes the story or there are giant holes in it. I don't know OP or her friend and will never know "the truth" here -- maybe OP is writing a short story and made the whole thing up. I can only respond to the truth as presented by the OP. And in her OP, I think the friend has behaved in a rude and thoughtless manner. I'm not even interested in validating OP, who I think needs to learn to stand up to people like this in the future. But that doesn't change the fact that as described, the friend's behavior sucks. You don't view you friend's loss as your own personal gain. That's tacky and obnoxious.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had months to find a buyer. You didn’t have to give it away to her. You made your choices, don’t be a B to her about it.

I found a buyer months ago. They backed out a day ago.

But, yeah, you are right. I could have just left it in the apartment. I just felt like I had no choice when she said that now she could have it herself, because she knew the alternative now is leaving it. It seemed aggressive to tell her no, I would rather nobody get it.

Who finds a buyer and waits months for them to pick it up.so while your friend is being cheap, you have to be responsible for your own actions.

[Anonymous]

I have lots of friends who go overseas for work stints, whereas we are consistently in DC and own a sizeable house.

Friends "leave" stuff with us all the time. For example, a friend recently moved to a developing country for work and left their electric scooter with us because they cannot travel with the large lithium ion battery.

They said I could "have it," but I told them I will use it occasionally and "hold onto it for them" so they can use it whenever they are back in DC. (they will be back at some point for work stuff + living in DC again).

This same person also has a flat screen TV in our basement that occasionally gets watched whenever we have guests. I have always told them they are free to take their stuff back if/when they move back to DC or are visiting. They appreciate that it gets some use and that its still technically belongs to them.

Your friend should've offered to "hold it" for you and that they would bring it back to US once their time in-country was done.

[Anonymous]

There are several people in Delhi would love a treadmill. If I were you, I would "donate" it to a charitable cause and write off the contribution. If that's not possible, I would donate it to the local embassy gym maybe? There is no way I will leave it with this user "friend".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had months to find a buyer. You didn’t have to give it away to her. You made your choices, don’t be a B to her about it.

I found a buyer months ago. They backed out a day ago.

But, yeah, you are right. I could have just left it in the apartment. I just felt like I had no choice when she said that now she could have it herself, because she knew the alternative now is leaving it. It seemed aggressive to tell her no, I would rather nobody get it.

Who finds a buyer and waits months for them to pick it up.so while your friend is being cheap, you have to be responsible for your own actions.

Somebody who wants to be able to exercise during those months before she leaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend B always seems to get what she wants, doesn't she?

She kind of does. And maybe that's why she is now on a reduced budget, if that's true. When they bought the ponies a few months ago, they had their saddles and other gear shipped from the US; her daughter told me that her saddle cost $5000, and they have a few of these. I know my friend's husband told her they were NOT paying to ship the equestrian gear in, but she went ahead and did it anyway, so maybe he reduced her summer spending limit or something.

For me, the $1000 I had originally wanted for the treadmill would go to groceries or bills. I'm really disappointed in myself for feeling so angry about this because I think it is going to ruin our friendship. She just texted me a string of hearts and "I am so happy to be getting a treadmill at home, I really appreciate this." I don't know if I can get over this. I don't think her concept of "can't afford this" is the same as mine.

I would NEVER do that to a friend particularly a friend who has much less than me. It would be an opportunity for me to help my friend even more so knowing you probably have expenses related to your move. She's a taker and I would be po'd at her. You don't do that to people you love. What an opportunist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not. But she’s not in control of her finances as a kept woman. Unfortunately she probably feels like she needs to show that she can negotiate wins to a high achieving shrewd negotiator of a husband. I would have offered her a trade deal to shop the lightly used items in her closet like a bag or necklace that’s easy to transport and could fetch about the same amount on resale as the treadmill.

That is an excellent idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend B always seems to get what she wants, doesn't she?

She kind of does. And maybe that's why she is now on a reduced budget, if that's true. When they bought the ponies a few months ago, they had their saddles and other gear shipped from the US; her daughter told me that her saddle cost $5000, and they have a few of these. I know my friend's husband told her they were NOT paying to ship the equestrian gear in, but she went ahead and did it anyway, so maybe he reduced her summer spending limit or something.

For me, the $1000 I had originally wanted for the treadmill would go to groceries or bills. I'm really disappointed in myself for feeling so angry about this because I think it is going to ruin our friendship. She just texted me a string of hearts and "I am so happy to be getting a treadmill at home, I really appreciate this." I don't know if I can get over this. I don't think her concept of "can't afford this" is the same as mine.

I would NEVER do that to a friend particularly a friend who has much less than me. It would be an opportunity for me to help my friend even more so knowing you probably have expenses related to your move. She's a taker and I would be po'd at her. You don't do that to people you love. What an opportunist.

I dunno. It sounds like a miscommunication since the friend texted her hearts and an appreciation text.

If I thought someone was giving me something, I would thank her and be happy too. If I knew how upset the friend was, I obviously would not take the item.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had months to find a buyer. You didn’t have to give it away to her. You made your choices, don’t be a B to her about it.

I found a buyer months ago. They backed out a day ago.

But, yeah, you are right. I could have just left it in the apartment. I just felt like I had no choice when she said that now she could have it herself, because she knew the alternative now is leaving it. It seemed aggressive to tell her no, I would rather nobody get it.

Who finds a buyer and waits months for them to pick it up.so while your friend is being cheap, you have to be responsible for your own actions.

Somebody who wants to be able to exercise during those months before she leaves.

Yeah, no. This is so dumb and your current situation is why this is so dumb.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the replies, but OP, it occurred to me that you're not mad because you have to give your friend the treadmill for free, but it's the way she's almost psyched at your misfortune. She's kind of shoving it in your face that your buyer backed out and shouting "YAY ME" because your buyer backed out.

I'd tell her that even though you'll give her the treadmill, you are upset that she is so happy at your bad luck in not being able to find a buyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does seem sketchy that B’s DH’s colleague would back out in such a way that benefits B, and that DH is shrewd (if this assessment is from OP, not sure). It does almost seem like a set up, but of course this is speculation.

I agree with the PP’s question: did she swoop in an opportunistic fashion or did she sincerely empathize? If she swooped in without at least saying something like, that sucks, then I can see why you would feel resentful.

Is she generally a good friend? Sometimes we can all act in a greedy or regrettable manner. If she’s overall a good friend, then maybe some distance will help.

If she’s not been a good friend, then do what you want: ghost, say you found another buyer, etc.

RE: the $2k, to not feel so bad about it, you can look at it like a gym membership. $167/mo for a gym membership is not out of bounds.

OP here. Yes, she did swoop in as soon as she learned that the buyer backed out. She almost immediately had reserved movers and someone to disassemble it tomorrow, literally within 10 minutes of the conversation about the buyer backing out (this makes me wonder if she had already prearranged this because she knew before me that the buyer was backing out, and if so, what was her involvement in that, though not sure how fair that is). Our other friend has pointed out that she could have offered to message her friend group while I was dealing with packing, etc, to help me find another last minute buyer because she knows a lot of expats with the means to pay for it (her kids stable/pony friends' parents, etc) but her priority seemed to be locking down the free treadmill for herself as quickly as possible.

I don't know. I am not great with confrontation, so I will probably just remain very guarded and not talk much when she comes tomorrow to take it. Then I will let the friendship fade.

Thanks for the replies here. I have found myself in situations in the past where I let someone take advantage of me. It's my own character flaw or personal issue, I guess. I am going to try to be more guarded in the future.

I’m sorry but it is pretty ridiculous for you to expect her to help you find a buyer. I can’t imagine someone wanting me to reach out to my friends to sell something used for them.

I think you should just take this treadmill with you back home if it means so much to you.

I am a rich SAHM. DH lets me spend what I want and if I wanted this, I would have bought it from you. I don’t normally like to buy items used. I would rather buy the treadmill new. I once had a friend who was moving who had a bike and was moving. I tried out her bike and it was ok but I didn’t love it. She wanted $100 for the $500 bike. When she moved, she did not give me the bike. I would have taken it for free but she didn’t offer and I didn’t ask. She would rather take the bike than give it to me for free. We are still friends. No big deal.

Not all SAHM situations are the same. Some husbands are very controlling with how the money is spent.

Wow, my good friends would. Lots of women I know here in the suburbs do exactly that. You sound like that friend. You're actually kind of pissed your friend didn't give you the bike for free. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you try dropping the price to $500 or $200? Where are you trying to sell this treadmill?

I know it isn’t the same thing but I had a 70k SUV. When we got a new car, they were going to give us $18k for a trade in. We decided to just keep the car.

You example is not helpful. Anyone who knows anything about selling cars knows a dealer is going to give you a ridiculously low price. Too many people are uncomfortable selling a car by themselves and give away thousands of dollars to strangers who work at the dealership. It is throwing your money away. Also you never negotiate the selling of your old car and the purchase of the new car together. You will end up getting 0$ for it. When I bought my last car, the dealer offered me $100 for the car I sold by myself for $5k.

Seeing how this friend acted, I'd bet she tanked the sale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re both a bit rude. Her for being tone deaf, cheap, and entitled; you for passive aggressively giving her the treadmill then being mad she took it. I would have just left it behind and not told her your buyer fell through.

Ewww. You think op owed this woman a treadmill? How entitled can you be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a note for people chastising OP for buying an expensive treadmill: if you are a woman who prioritizes exercising and you live for any length of time in either an area of the world with poor air quality or an area of the world that does not culturally accommodate exercise for women it can be a real challenge. During an academic post in the Middle East I used to run the indoor stairs of my apartment building for exercise as there were no other options.

I understand. But I would see buying a treadmill as a cost of doing business there, I wouldn’t assume that I could make the money back later.

She isn't expecting to make the money back. She had the reasonable expectation of getting some money for a relatively new expensive item.