Who is unreasonable here: Friend A or Friend B?

[Anonymous]

I think I know, but could use some blunt feedback:

Context: Friend A and Friend B are American expats in a country where it is very difficult to "get things done" (relevant to the situation).
Friend A is a teacher at an international school, and is getting ready to move to a new country on Monday. Friend B is a SAHM whose husband works for a US bank here.

Friend A bought a treadmill for the equivalent of $2000 last year, new. She wanted to sell it before leaving the country. Friend B asked if she could have the treadmill; Friend A said she could have it for $1000, or half the price of the year-old machine. Friend B said she couldn't afford this (she lives in an 8 bedroom mansion with live-in servants, two Range Rovers, bought two ponies for her children last month, and has multiple purses that each cost more than the treadmill, but says she would be middle class in the US; Friend A lives in a one-bedroom apartment, has no car, and just paid off her student loans). Friend B said she can't afford to pay anything for the treadmill, though she kept pleading to be given the machine for free "because we are friends." Friend A continued to search for a seller.

A colleague of Friend B's husband offered to buy the treadmill for $1000 several months ago, but yesterday backed out of the sale. This means that with only days to go, Friend A can't find another buyer.

Because of import issues, the prices of these treadmills in shops has increased by almost 1k since the treadmill was bought last year, so this was a really good deal.

Friend B said that since there is no seller, she wants to arrange for someone to come get the treadmill and bring it to her own home so she can have it (for free, no money). She pointed out that otherwise the machine would be left behind and "nobody will have it", so Friend A reluctantly agreed. Friend B quickly found a technician who can dismantle it and arranged for a company to transport it, then texted Friend A these details. Again, she is now getting the machine for free, and she knows it is because the buyer backed out last minute, and that Friend B had really wanted the money from selling the machine/had not wanted to give it away.

I am Friend A, of course. Friend B just phoned me to ask me if "everything is OK", I guess because my response to her texts about when she is coming to get the treadmill was so short. I think I might be unreasonable here, but I feel really angry and kind of used. Previously we used to go to the gym, go shopping, and see each other almost every day, and we're from the same hometown in the US. I know she is really isolated here and will expect to continue texting and communicating after I leave; she has already been talking about coming to see me in the new country where I am going, which is a much more desirable location than here. I know that if she doesn't take my treadmill for free, the alternative is to just leave it in the apartment when I go for a stranger to have, but I honestly would feel better about that. Friend A is coming on Sunday afternoon with her shippers to get it, and I am just so annoyed with her I know she will see my feelings. It just feels so grabby and exploitive to me. Of course I don't know her exact financial circumstances, but she did buy ponies a few months ago, and each of her purses costs far more than my treadmill did. Am I being unreasonable? What would you do?

[Anonymous]

If you had an alternative buyer, that would be a different situation. You don’t. The options are give it to a stranger or give it to one of your best friends. Seems like a really obvious answer to me.

As for your friend, maybe her spending habits have gotten her in trouble and she needs to cut back. I’d accept what she told you about her financial status.

Good luck with the move!

[Anonymous]

Friend B always seems to get what she wants, doesn't she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friend B always seems to get what she wants, doesn't she?

She kind of does. And maybe that's why she is now on a reduced budget, if that's true. When they bought the ponies a few months ago, they had their saddles and other gear shipped from the US; her daughter told me that her saddle cost $5000, and they have a few of these. I know my friend's husband told her they were NOT paying to ship the equestrian gear in, but she went ahead and did it anyway, so maybe he reduced her summer spending limit or something.

For me, the $1000 I had originally wanted for the treadmill would go to groceries or bills. I'm really disappointed in myself for feeling so angry about this because I think it is going to ruin our friendship. She just texted me a string of hearts and "I am so happy to be getting a treadmill at home, I really appreciate this." I don't know if I can get over this. I don't think her concept of "can't afford this" is the same as mine.

[Anonymous]

Do you think Friend B's husband's friend (whew) who was going to buy it was set up by Friend B to back out so that Friend A/OP would be scrambling at the last minute?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friend B always seems to get what she wants, doesn't she?

Those sorts always do.

[Anonymous]

You had months to find a buyer. You didn’t have to give it away to her. You made your choices, don’t be a B to her about it.

[Anonymous]

Well the good news is you're moving and you'll never have to deal with her again. Just be busy when she comes on Sunday. You owe her nothing. Who cares if she knows you're mad at her? Come Monday you literally never have to talk to or see her again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You had months to find a buyer. You didn’t have to give it away to her. You made your choices, don’t be a B to her about it.

I found a buyer months ago. They backed out a day ago.

But, yeah, you are right. I could have just left it in the apartment. I just felt like I had no choice when she said that now she could have it herself, because she knew the alternative now is leaving it. It seemed aggressive to tell her no, I would rather nobody get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think Friend B's husband's friend (whew) who was going to buy it was set up by Friend B to back out so that Friend A/OP would be scrambling at the last minute?

I thought of that. The husband's colleague/friend was at their house for a few barbecues recently, and his wife is also friends with Friend B. But probably not? I hope not.

I'm petty, the friendship is over, I think. But she gets the treadmill on Sunday, and I move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend B always seems to get what she wants, doesn't she?

She kind of does. And maybe that's why she is now on a reduced budget, if that's true. When they bought the ponies a few months ago, they had their saddles and other gear shipped from the US; her daughter told me that her saddle cost $5000, and they have a few of these. I know my friend's husband told her they were NOT paying to ship the equestrian gear in, but she went ahead and did it anyway, so maybe he reduced her summer spending limit or something.

For me, the $1000 I had originally wanted for the treadmill would go to groceries or bills. I'm really disappointed in myself for feeling so angry about this because I think it is going to ruin our friendship. She just texted me a string of hearts and "I am so happy to be getting a treadmill at home, I really appreciate this." I don't know if I can get over this. I don't think her concept of "can't afford this" is the same as mine.

She is so self centered (The hearts!). I think she thought she would have had to wear down her husband for the money or wear down you and figured she could wear down you easier. is there any chance you think that she had any hand in the buyer backing out?

I would probably at this point say back to her "I'm so glad it's going to a really good home, but I'm super disappointed I could not find a buyer with all of my moving expenses."
How much is this company that is going to dismantle it going to cost her? (rhetorical).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well the good news is you're moving and you'll never have to deal with her again. Just be busy when she comes on Sunday. You owe her nothing. Who cares if she knows you're mad at her? Come Monday you literally never have to talk to or see her again.

+1 Why would you want to stay friends with this person?

[Anonymous]

She is in the wrong but l would still smile when she comes to take it and then evaluate if u still want to be friends after you’re in your new location.

Maybe she really can’t afford it now for some reason you don’t know, but she should explain more if that’s the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had months to find a buyer. You didn’t have to give it away to her. You made your choices, don’t be a B to her about it.

I found a buyer months ago. They backed out a day ago.

But, yeah, you are right. I could have just left it in the apartment. I just felt like I had no choice when she said that now she could have it herself, because she knew the alternative now is leaving it. It seemed aggressive to tell her no, I would rather nobody get it.

Then you should have told her that before she made arrangements to pick it up. This is on you, don’t lose a friend over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had months to find a buyer. You didn’t have to give it away to her. You made your choices, don’t be a B to her about it.

I found a buyer months ago. They backed out a day ago.

But, yeah, you are right. I could have just left it in the apartment. I just felt like I had no choice when she said that now she could have it herself, because she knew the alternative now is leaving it. It seemed aggressive to tell her no, I would rather nobody get it.

Then you should have told her that before she made arrangements to pick it up. This is on you, don’t lose a friend over it.

If this is going to eat at you, be vague and ghosty. Don't let the technician in. Don't answer texts. Just leave the country. Then be all "I'm not sure it was a busy time" if you want to.... months later....