Who is unreasonable here: Friend A or Friend B?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She's here. She brought her husband for some reason. She knows it is awkward and they are avoiding me. I am fuming.

Yes, it is my fault for saying yes. I am horrible with conflict and am I am going to be a more selfish person in the future.

OP again. Can I just reiterate how irritated I am that she brought her husband and the two of them are now in the room with the treadmill, watching them dismantle it. He didn't even greet me; they walked past me as if I am the help. So, yeah, I guess the PP who observed earlier that the "friendship" is just one of convenience to her was correct.

Anyway, thanks for those who commented here, even to tell me I'm irresponsible (I probably am). This is something I've known I need to work on with myself (learning to back away from friendships that are one-sided). I lost my parents young (in college) and I've long had a tendency to hold onto relationships I should let go because of that, I think. I'm working on it with my online therapist. I'm going to be more selfish and more guarded in my new location.

I think you seem abnormally angry at your friend. If I were picking up some large item, I would take my husband.

I have a treadmill and rower in my basement I want to get rid of. I would gladly give it to a friend.

You seem to think your treadmill is worth more than it is worth. You should have just sold it for $50 or $200 or whatever price someone would have paid for it. $200 seems very petty to be this upset and angry over.

[Anonymous]

One more time for the cheap seats: this isn’t about the treadmill. It’s about the relationship. Stop gaslighting OP. Friend B and husband sound awful. OP acknowledging that is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She's here. She brought her husband for some reason. She knows it is awkward and they are avoiding me. I am fuming.

Yes, it is my fault for saying yes. I am horrible with conflict and am I am going to be a more selfish person in the future.

OP again. Can I just reiterate how irritated I am that she brought her husband and the two of them are now in the room with the treadmill, watching them dismantle it. He didn't even greet me; they walked past me as if I am the help. So, yeah, I guess the PP who observed earlier that the "friendship" is just one of convenience to her was correct.

Anyway, thanks for those who commented here, even to tell me I'm irresponsible (I probably am). This is something I've known I need to work on with myself (learning to back away from friendships that are one-sided). I lost my parents young (in college) and I've long had a tendency to hold onto relationships I should let go because of that, I think. I'm working on it with my online therapist. I'm going to be more selfish and more guarded in my new location.

I think you seem abnormally angry at your friend. If I were picking up some large item, I would take my husband.

I have a treadmill and rower in my basement I want to get rid of. I would gladly give it to a friend.

You seem to think your treadmill is worth more than it is worth. You should have just sold it for $50 or $200 or whatever price someone would have paid for it. $200 seems very petty to be this upset and angry over.

Because the "friend" is an a-turd.

She should have at least offered to take OP out for a nice meal, or given her a couple hundred dollars, or done something. OP didn't tell the friend that she'd be doing a favor to take the treadmill off her hands. The friend was being a vulture. (No offense to actual vultures, who are fine animals and an important part of the ecosystem.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I know, but could use some blunt feedback:

Context: Friend A and Friend B are American expats in a country where it is very difficult to "get things done" (relevant to the situation).
Friend A is a teacher at an international school, and is getting ready to move to a new country on Monday. Friend B is a SAHM whose husband works for a US bank here.

Friend A bought a treadmill for the equivalent of $2000 last year, new. She wanted to sell it before leaving the country. Friend B asked if she could have the treadmill; Friend A said she could have it for $1000, or half the price of the year-old machine. Friend B said she couldn't afford this (she lives in an 8 bedroom mansion with live-in servants, two Range Rovers, bought two ponies for her children last month, and has multiple purses that each cost more than the treadmill, but says she would be middle class in the US; Friend A lives in a one-bedroom apartment, has no car, and just paid off her student loans). Friend B said she can't afford to pay anything for the treadmill, though she kept pleading to be given the machine for free "because we are friends." Friend A continued to search for a seller.

A colleague of Friend B's husband offered to buy the treadmill for $1000 several months ago, but yesterday backed out of the sale. This means that with only days to go, Friend A can't find another buyer.

Because of import issues, the prices of these treadmills in shops has increased by almost 1k since the treadmill was bought last year, so this was a really good deal.

Friend B said that since there is no seller, she wants to arrange for someone to come get the treadmill and bring it to her own home so she can have it (for free, no money). She pointed out that otherwise the machine would be left behind and "nobody will have it", so Friend A reluctantly agreed. Friend B quickly found a technician who can dismantle it and arranged for a company to transport it, then texted Friend A these details. Again, she is now getting the machine for free, and she knows it is because the buyer backed out last minute, and that Friend B had really wanted the money from selling the machine/had not wanted to give it away.

I am Friend A, of course. Friend B just phoned me to ask me if "everything is OK", I guess because my response to her texts about when she is coming to get the treadmill was so short. I think I might be unreasonable here, but I feel really angry and kind of used. Previously we used to go to the gym, go shopping, and see each other almost every day, and we're from the same hometown in the US. I know she is really isolated here and will expect to continue texting and communicating after I leave; she has already been talking about coming to see me in the new country where I am going, which is a much more desirable location than here. I know that if she doesn't take my treadmill for free, the alternative is to just leave it in the apartment when I go for a stranger to have, but I honestly would feel better about that. Friend A is coming on Sunday afternoon with her shippers to get it, and I am just so annoyed with her I know she will see my feelings. It just feels so grabby and exploitive to me. Of course I don't know her exact financial circumstances, but she did buy ponies a few months ago, and each of her purses costs far more than my treadmill did. Am I being unreasonable? What would you do?

I would no longer be friends with friend A. You can do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had months to find a buyer. You didn’t have to give it away to her. You made your choices, don’t be a B to her about it.

I found a buyer months ago. They backed out a day ago.

But, yeah, you are right. I could have just left it in the apartment. I just felt like I had no choice when she said that now she could have it herself, because she knew the alternative now is leaving it. It seemed aggressive to tell her no, I would rather nobody get it.

Then you should have told her that before she made arrangements to pick it up. This is on you, don’t lose a friend over it.

With a friend like that she is like an enemy. Has she done anything positive for you op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She's here. She brought her husband for some reason. She knows it is awkward and they are avoiding me. I am fuming.

Yes, it is my fault for saying yes. I am horrible with conflict and am I am going to be a more selfish person in the future.

OP again. Can I just reiterate how irritated I am that she brought her husband and the two of them are now in the room with the treadmill, watching them dismantle it. He didn't even greet me; they walked past me as if I am the help. So, yeah, I guess the PP who observed earlier that the "friendship" is just one of convenience to her was correct.

Anyway, thanks for those who commented here, even to tell me I'm irresponsible (I probably am). This is something I've known I need to work on with myself (learning to back away from friendships that are one-sided). I lost my parents young (in college) and I've long had a tendency to hold onto relationships I should let go because of that, I think. I'm working on it with my online therapist. I'm going to be more selfish and more guarded in my new location.

I think you seem abnormally angry at your friend. If I were picking up some large item, I would take my husband.

I have a treadmill and rower in my basement I want to get rid of. I would gladly give it to a friend.

You seem to think your treadmill is worth more than it is worth. You should have just sold it for $50 or $200 or whatever price someone would have paid for it. $200 seems very petty to be this upset and angry over.

Because the "friend" is an a-turd.

She should have at least offered to take OP out for a nice meal, or given her a couple hundred dollars, or done something. OP didn't tell the friend that she'd be doing a favor to take the treadmill off her hands. The friend was being a vulture. (No offense to actual vultures, who are fine animals and an important part of the ecosystem.)

I must have read OP’s post differently. The friend seemed to want to continue the friendship, visit OP, asked OP what is wrong, etc.

OP seems hyper focused on the treadmill that she is seething with resentment. Maybe I’m missing something.

I had a friend who moved out of the country recently. Her family were vultures. I guess it is ok if it is family but not a friend. She had furniture she spent thousands of dollars on that she would get hundreds for (10%).

I went and took a bunch of stuff.

This is what happens when people move. My friend absolutely was annoyed at how “greedy” her family was. They still are family.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the friend is just completely clueless about how much this treadmill and money mean to OP.

I guess I just don’t care much about material items. It sounds like the friend doesn’t have many friends in this country and would miss OP. OP only cares that this friend has a rich husband.

I’m a SAHM and it absolutely can be lonely. I don’t think about money at all. If the friend knew how much this bothered OP and how angry and upset OP was, she would probably just leave it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She's here. She brought her husband for some reason. She knows it is awkward and they are avoiding me. I am fuming.

Yes, it is my fault for saying yes. I am horrible with conflict and am I am going to be a more selfish person in the future.

OP again. Can I just reiterate how irritated I am that she brought her husband and the two of them are now in the room with the treadmill, watching them dismantle it. He didn't even greet me; they walked past me as if I am the help. So, yeah, I guess the PP who observed earlier that the "friendship" is just one of convenience to her was correct.

Anyway, thanks for those who commented here, even to tell me I'm irresponsible (I probably am). This is something I've known I need to work on with myself (learning to back away from friendships that are one-sided). I lost my parents young (in college) and I've long had a tendency to hold onto relationships I should let go because of that, I think. I'm working on it with my online therapist. I'm going to be more selfish and more guarded in my new location.

I think you seem abnormally angry at your friend. If I were picking up some large item, I would take my husband.

I have a treadmill and rower in my basement I want to get rid of. I would gladly give it to a friend.

You seem to think your treadmill is worth more than it is worth. You should have just sold it for $50 or $200 or whatever price someone would have paid for it. $200 seems very petty to be this upset and angry over.

Because the "friend" is an a-turd.

She should have at least offered to take OP out for a nice meal, or given her a couple hundred dollars, or done something. OP didn't tell the friend that she'd be doing a favor to take the treadmill off her hands. The friend was being a vulture. (No offense to actual vultures, who are fine animals and an important part of the ecosystem.)

I must have read OP’s post differently. The friend seemed to want to continue the friendship, visit OP, asked OP what is wrong, etc.

OP seems hyper focused on the treadmill that she is seething with resentment. Maybe I’m missing something.

I had a friend who moved out of the country recently. Her family were vultures. I guess it is ok if it is family but not a friend. She had furniture she spent thousands of dollars on that she would get hundreds for (10%).

I went and took a bunch of stuff.

This is what happens when people move. My friend absolutely was annoyed at how “greedy” her family was. They still are family.

You sound confused. The friend was hyper focused on the treadmill, to the point that the moment she heard OP's original buyer had pulled out, she was on the phone with a company to come dismantle it and move it. OP was focused on her move, and the treadmill was part of that -- she had to figure out what to do with it one way or another, because it was HER treadmill. She wanted to sell it, told the friend that, and the friend pestered her about it for months anyway.

Your example of your friend and her "vulture" family is totally irrelevant. Was your friend trying to sell her furniture when the family can to take it? And even if she was, family is different than friendship -- if your friend is rude enough to you, you can just stop being friends, but if your parents are rude to you, they are still your parents. It's just a totally different situation that has nothing to do with OP's situation.

Also it doesn't sound like Friend B is invested in the friendship so much as she's invested on keeping OP around. Friend B sounds lonely and I sense she doesn't really care about Friend A one way or the other, but views her as useful given that they are both ex pats, so keeps her around in case she needs something -- a companion for an outing, a free treadmill, someone to text when her husband is working late. Those would be fine things to turn to a friend for, but only if you are willing to return the favor and be there for the friend when she needs you. Friend B apparently could care less about what Friend A needs. Not a true friend (and not family either, so... see ya).

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing, tho, OP. I doubt your landlord would have been happy with you leaving the treadmill in your apartment. Those are heavy and expensive to move. He might have taken money out of your security deposit if you left it behind. If your friend hadn't taken it, you would have had to hire someone to dump it somewhere.

She shouldn't have pressured you. But if she had said, "Hey, it's not in our budget to pay for that right now. But if you wind up not selling it and are just going to donate it, we will come by and pick it up" that would have been ok.

[Anonymous]

OP - is this a one time behavior or does this friend have a habit of trying to come out ahead? I think how she handled this situation was egregious. I am a rich SAHM and my husband is very generous where kids are concerned but miserly with me because my life is already great in his opinion because I don't work. Husbands like this still want wives to be fit though, so IMO she could have talked him into giving her money for this because this relates to a better sex life for him. He must be mad about her other spending right now but if I was in this scenario, I would tell you that I can pay you, but give me a couple of months.

I agree with a previous poster that friends are hard to come by, but you are going to hold onto this resentment and it will come up again later. What about being completely honest with her about how you feel? I actually haven't tried this myself and did the slow fade for 1 friendship and total ghost to another complete user, but I wonder what would have happened if I had been completely open with these 2 about the impact of their behavior on our friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She's here. She brought her husband for some reason. She knows it is awkward and they are avoiding me. I am fuming.

Yes, it is my fault for saying yes. I am horrible with conflict and am I am going to be a more selfish person in the future.

OP again. Can I just reiterate how irritated I am that she brought her husband and the two of them are now in the room with the treadmill, watching them dismantle it. He didn't even greet me; they walked past me as if I am the help. So, yeah, I guess the PP who observed earlier that the "friendship" is just one of convenience to her was correct.

Anyway, thanks for those who commented here, even to tell me I'm irresponsible (I probably am). This is something I've known I need to work on with myself (learning to back away from friendships that are one-sided). I lost my parents young (in college) and I've long had a tendency to hold onto relationships I should let go because of that, I think. I'm working on it with my online therapist. I'm going to be more selfish and more guarded in my new location.

I think you seem abnormally angry at your friend. If I were picking up some large item, I would take my husband.

I have a treadmill and rower in my basement I want to get rid of. I would gladly give it to a friend.

You seem to think your treadmill is worth more than it is worth. You should have just sold it for $50 or $200 or whatever price someone would have paid for it. $200 seems very petty to be this upset and angry over.

Because the "friend" is an a-turd.

She should have at least offered to take OP out for a nice meal, or given her a couple hundred dollars, or done something. OP didn't tell the friend that she'd be doing a favor to take the treadmill off her hands. The friend was being a vulture. (No offense to actual vultures, who are fine animals and an important part of the ecosystem.)

I must have read OP’s post differently. The friend seemed to want to continue the friendship, visit OP, asked OP what is wrong, etc.

OP seems hyper focused on the treadmill that she is seething with resentment. Maybe I’m missing something.

I had a friend who moved out of the country recently. Her family were vultures. I guess it is ok if it is family but not a friend. She had furniture she spent thousands of dollars on that she would get hundreds for (10%).

I went and took a bunch of stuff.

This is what happens when people move. My friend absolutely was annoyed at how “greedy” her family was. They still are family.

You sound confused. The friend was hyper focused on the treadmill, to the point that the moment she heard OP's original buyer had pulled out, she was on the phone with a company to come dismantle it and move it. OP was focused on her move, and the treadmill was part of that -- she had to figure out what to do with it one way or another, because it was HER treadmill. She wanted to sell it, told the friend that, and the friend pestered her about it for months anyway.

Your example of your friend and her "vulture" family is totally irrelevant. Was your friend trying to sell her furniture when the family can to take it? And even if she was, family is different than friendship -- if your friend is rude enough to you, you can just stop being friends, but if your parents are rude to you, they are still your parents. It's just a totally different situation that has nothing to do with OP's situation.

Also it doesn't sound like Friend B is invested in the friendship so much as she's invested on keeping OP around. Friend B sounds lonely and I sense she doesn't really care about Friend A one way or the other, but views her as useful given that they are both ex pats, so keeps her around in case she needs something -- a companion for an outing, a free treadmill, someone to text when her husband is working late. Those would be fine things to turn to a friend for, but only if you are willing to return the favor and be there for the friend when she needs you. Friend B apparently could care less about what Friend A needs. Not a true friend (and not family either, so... see ya).

I’m not confused at all. I have a lot of friends. I don’t care about money or items when it comes to friends and family. We have money though. I would just give the treadmill to my friend or sell it.

I don’t know anything about OP’s relationship with this friend. Is the friend a good host? Has she invite op over for coffee or meals? Has she been a good friend before this treadmill incident? Op seems focused on friend’s expensive bags and ponies so it seems more about money and this treadmill.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like you consider this person a good friend any more, perhaps for valid reasons, so just fade them after you move. They were pushy, which would irritate me, but I would also have said no to them if I didn't want them to have it.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is so focused on validating OP and vilifying the friend. A totally reasonable alternative narrative here is that OP is a resentful, jealous mess of a person.

Who knows what the truth is. Friend A/OP: ultimately no one cares. Maintain the friendship or don’t. You’re moving so just figure it out. This isn’t hard. Presumably you’re an adult and can function in the adult world. If you want the friendship let bygones by bygones and if you don’t, perfect time to sever ties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She's here. She brought her husband for some reason. She knows it is awkward and they are avoiding me. I am fuming.

Yes, it is my fault for saying yes. I am horrible with conflict and am I am going to be a more selfish person in the future.

OP again. Can I just reiterate how irritated I am that she brought her husband and the two of them are now in the room with the treadmill, watching them dismantle it. He didn't even greet me; they walked past me as if I am the help. So, yeah, I guess the PP who observed earlier that the "friendship" is just one of convenience to her was correct.

Anyway, thanks for those who commented here, even to tell me I'm irresponsible (I probably am). This is something I've known I need to work on with myself (learning to back away from friendships that are one-sided). I lost my parents young (in college) and I've long had a tendency to hold onto relationships I should let go because of that, I think. I'm working on it with my online therapist. I'm going to be more selfish and more guarded in my new location.

I think you seem abnormally angry at your friend. If I were picking up some large item, I would take my husband.

I have a treadmill and rower in my basement I want to get rid of. I would gladly give it to a friend.

You seem to think your treadmill is worth more than it is worth. You should have just sold it for $50 or $200 or whatever price someone would have paid for it. $200 seems very petty to be this upset and angry over.

Because the "friend" is an a-turd.

She should have at least offered to take OP out for a nice meal, or given her a couple hundred dollars, or done something. OP didn't tell the friend that she'd be doing a favor to take the treadmill off her hands. The friend was being a vulture. (No offense to actual vultures, who are fine animals and an important part of the ecosystem.)

I must have read OP’s post differently. The friend seemed to want to continue the friendship, visit OP, asked OP what is wrong, etc.

OP seems hyper focused on the treadmill that she is seething with resentment. Maybe I’m missing something.

I had a friend who moved out of the country recently. Her family were vultures. I guess it is ok if it is family but not a friend. She had furniture she spent thousands of dollars on that she would get hundreds for (10%).

I went and took a bunch of stuff.

This is what happens when people move. My friend absolutely was annoyed at how “greedy” her family was. They still are family.

You sound confused. The friend was hyper focused on the treadmill, to the point that the moment she heard OP's original buyer had pulled out, she was on the phone with a company to come dismantle it and move it. OP was focused on her move, and the treadmill was part of that -- she had to figure out what to do with it one way or another, because it was HER treadmill. She wanted to sell it, told the friend that, and the friend pestered her about it for months anyway.

Your example of your friend and her "vulture" family is totally irrelevant. Was your friend trying to sell her furniture when the family can to take it? And even if she was, family is different than friendship -- if your friend is rude enough to you, you can just stop being friends, but if your parents are rude to you, they are still your parents. It's just a totally different situation that has nothing to do with OP's situation.

Also it doesn't sound like Friend B is invested in the friendship so much as she's invested on keeping OP around. Friend B sounds lonely and I sense she doesn't really care about Friend A one way or the other, but views her as useful given that they are both ex pats, so keeps her around in case she needs something -- a companion for an outing, a free treadmill, someone to text when her husband is working late. Those would be fine things to turn to a friend for, but only if you are willing to return the favor and be there for the friend when she needs you. Friend B apparently could care less about what Friend A needs. Not a true friend (and not family either, so... see ya).

I’m not confused at all. I have a lot of friends. I don’t care about money or items when it comes to friends and family. We have money though. I would just give the treadmill to my friend or sell it.

I don’t know anything about OP’s relationship with this friend. Is the friend a good host? Has she invite op over for coffee or meals? Has she been a good friend before this treadmill incident? Op seems focused on friend’s expensive bags and ponies so it seems more about money and this treadmill.

Right, but OP does not have a lot of money. So her situation is different than yours. It is easy not to care about money in certain contexts when you have a lot of money.

OP is being a bit of a doormat because she should have told her friend "no, I can't give it to you, I'm selling it," and then tried to find a buyer at a reduced price last minute (she probably could have sold it for a few hundred dollars even at the last minute -- I've moved many times and there's always a price at which someone will come take almost anything of value, and a treadmill has some value). But the friend is also wrong, because she has the same attitude you do. "Oh the only doesn't matter, who cares about the money, I will just take it." OP cares about the money. It's her treadmill. You don't get to impose your financial values on someone else and then get mad when they don't share them especially when they don't have the same resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is so focused on validating OP and vilifying the friend. A totally reasonable alternative narrative here is that OP is a resentful, jealous mess of a person.

Who knows what the truth is. Friend A/OP: ultimately no one cares. Maintain the friendship or don’t. You’re moving so just figure it out. This isn’t hard. Presumably you’re an adult and can function in the adult world. If you want the friendship let bygones by bygones and if you don’t, perfect time to sever ties.

On DCUM, you have to take stories like this at face value unless the OP changes the story or there are giant holes in it. I don't know OP or her friend and will never know "the truth" here -- maybe OP is writing a short story and made the whole thing up. I can only respond to the truth as presented by the OP. And in her OP, I think the friend has behaved in a rude and thoughtless manner. I'm not even interested in validating OP, who I think needs to learn to stand up to people like this in the future. But that doesn't change the fact that as described, the friend's behavior sucks. You don't view you friend's loss as your own personal gain. That's tacky and obnoxious.