Who is unreasonable here: Friend A or Friend B?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does seem sketchy that B’s DH’s colleague would back out in such a way that benefits B, and that DH is shrewd (if this assessment is from OP, not sure). It does almost seem like a set up, but of course this is speculation.

I agree with the PP’s question: did she swoop in an opportunistic fashion or did she sincerely empathize? If she swooped in without at least saying something like, that sucks, then I can see why you would feel resentful.

Is she generally a good friend? Sometimes we can all act in a greedy or regrettable manner. If she’s overall a good friend, then maybe some distance will help.

If she’s not been a good friend, then do what you want: ghost, say you found another buyer, etc.

RE: the $2k, to not feel so bad about it, you can look at it like a gym membership. $167/mo for a gym membership is not out of bounds.

OP here. Yes, she did swoop in as soon as she learned that the buyer backed out. She almost immediately had reserved movers and someone to disassemble it tomorrow, literally within 10 minutes of the conversation about the buyer backing out (this makes me wonder if she had already prearranged this because she knew before me that the buyer was backing out, and if so, what was her involvement in that, though not sure how fair that is). Our other friend has pointed out that she could have offered to message her friend group while I was dealing with packing, etc, to help me find another last minute buyer because she knows a lot of expats with the means to pay for it (her kids stable/pony friends' parents, etc) but her priority seemed to be locking down the free treadmill for herself as quickly as possible.

I don't know. I am not great with confrontation, so I will probably just remain very guarded and not talk much when she comes tomorrow to take it. Then I will let the friendship fade.

Thanks for the replies here. I have found myself in situations in the past where I let someone take advantage of me. It's my own character flaw or personal issue, I guess. I am going to try to be more guarded in the future.

I’m sorry but it is pretty ridiculous for you to expect her to help you find a buyer. I can’t imagine someone wanting me to reach out to my friends to sell something used for them.

I think you should just take this treadmill with you back home if it means so much to you.

I am a rich SAHM. DH lets me spend what I want and if I wanted this, I would have bought it from you. I don’t normally like to buy items used. I would rather buy the treadmill new. I once had a friend who was moving who had a bike and was moving. I tried out her bike and it was ok but I didn’t love it. She wanted $100 for the $500 bike. When she moved, she did not give me the bike. I would have taken it for free but she didn’t offer and I didn’t ask. She would rather take the bike than give it to me for free. We are still friends. No big deal.

Not all SAHM situations are the same. Some husbands are very controlling with how the money is spent.

I DIDN'T expect her to help me find a buyer. Our other friend pointed out that it would have been more, well, friend-like, if she had OFFERED to do that herself, knowing the buyer had withdrawn and I am spending the last day packing.

The treadmill itself isn't that important to me. The relationship with my friend was the important thing. The treadmill issue is just an episode in the friendship.

Anyway, the issue here, I see, is that I need to be less weak and more careful in choosing my friends.

The more you post, the more I’m with friend B. There was never any way she could win with you. You clearly never liked her, and that’s a ridiculous expectation btw.

We got a taker posting here. They always pop up in these posts to justify their selfish ways.

[Anonymous]

1. Fade out of this friendship, you are moving and will not need continued contact with this person.
2. It doesn't sound like you had any other buyer for the treadmill at that point, so let that go. She wasn't obligated to find you another buyer or pay for the treadmill.
3. You need to stand up for yourself. Why did you let this person pressure you into something you didn't want to do?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be more selfish and more guarded in my new location.

It's not being selfish or guarded, it is having boundaries. "I'm not giving it away, I am going to continue to search for another buyer until I leave."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the replies, but OP, it occurred to me that you're not mad because you have to give your friend the treadmill for free, but it's the way she's almost psyched at your misfortune. She's kind of shoving it in your face that your buyer backed out and shouting "YAY ME" because your buyer backed out.

I'd tell her that even though you'll give her the treadmill, you are upset that she is so happy at your bad luck in not being able to find a buyer.

It's this. Many posters are fixating on the treadmill and it's really not the point. The issue is that the friend viewed OP's inability to sell the treadmill as some kind of boon for herself. Even if the friend was privately pleased that it worked out this way for her, the kind thing to do (especially given the different financial situations they are in) is to at least openly empathize with OP's situation. The way the friend handled it is like if you worked with a friend and were both up for the same promotion, and you got it and your friend didn't, the least you can do is be gracious. This is basic friend stuff, it's really very little to ask from someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend B always seems to get what she wants, doesn't she?

She kind of does. And maybe that's why she is now on a reduced budget, if that's true. When they bought the ponies a few months ago, they had their saddles and other gear shipped from the US; her daughter told me that her saddle cost $5000, and they have a few of these. I know my friend's husband told her they were NOT paying to ship the equestrian gear in, but she went ahead and did it anyway, so maybe he reduced her summer spending limit or something.

For me, the $1000 I had originally wanted for the treadmill would go to groceries or bills. I'm really disappointed in myself for feeling so angry about this because I think it is going to ruin our friendship. She just texted me a string of hearts and "I am so happy to be getting a treadmill at home, I really appreciate this." I don't know if I can get over this. I don't think her concept of "can't afford this" is the same as mine.

I would NEVER do that to a friend particularly a friend who has much less than me. It would be an opportunity for me to help my friend even more so knowing you probably have expenses related to your move. She's a taker and I would be po'd at her. You don't do that to people you love. What an opportunist.

I dunno. It sounds like a miscommunication since the friend texted her hearts and an appreciation text.

If I thought someone was giving me something, I would thank her and be happy too. If I knew how upset the friend was, I obviously would not take the item.

You have reading comprehension issues. The woman harangued her to get the treadmill for free. She texted her hearts and that makes everything right? Are you for real?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She's here. She brought her husband for some reason. She knows it is awkward and they are avoiding me. I am fuming.

Yes, it is my fault for saying yes. I am horrible with conflict and am I am going to be a more selfish person in the future.

OP again. Can I just reiterate how irritated I am that she brought her husband and the two of them are now in the room with the treadmill, watching them dismantle it. He didn't even greet me; they walked past me as if I am the help. So, yeah, I guess the PP who observed earlier that the "friendship" is just one of convenience to her was correct.

Anyway, thanks for those who commented here, even to tell me I'm irresponsible (I probably am). This is something I've known I need to work on with myself (learning to back away from friendships that are one-sided). I lost my parents young (in college) and I've long had a tendency to hold onto relationships I should let go because of that, I think. I'm working on it with my online therapist. I'm going to be more selfish and more guarded in my new location.

I think you seem abnormally angry at your friend. If I were picking up some large item, I would take my husband.

I have a treadmill and rower in my basement I want to get rid of. I would gladly give it to a friend.

You seem to think your treadmill is worth more than it is worth. You should have just sold it for $50 or $200 or whatever price someone would have paid for it. $200 seems very petty to be this upset and angry over.

Because the "friend" is an a-turd.

She should have at least offered to take OP out for a nice meal, or given her a couple hundred dollars, or done something. OP didn't tell the friend that she'd be doing a favor to take the treadmill off her hands. The friend was being a vulture. (No offense to actual vultures, who are fine animals and an important part of the ecosystem.)

I must have read OP’s post differently. The friend seemed to want to continue the friendship, visit OP, asked OP what is wrong, etc.

OP seems hyper focused on the treadmill that she is seething with resentment. Maybe I’m missing something.

I had a friend who moved out of the country recently. Her family were vultures. I guess it is ok if it is family but not a friend. She had furniture she spent thousands of dollars on that she would get hundreds for (10%).

I went and took a bunch of stuff.

This is what happens when people move. My friend absolutely was annoyed at how “greedy” her family was. They still are family.

So you happily joined in with the other vultures? Are you proud of yourself? One of the worst things family members do to one another is "treat each other like family." People use that phrase to excuse a lot of rude and selfish behavior. We should treat our family more like honored guests since they are so important instead of treating them less than.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does seem sketchy that B’s DH’s colleague would back out in such a way that benefits B, and that DH is shrewd (if this assessment is from OP, not sure). It does almost seem like a set up, but of course this is speculation.

I agree with the PP’s question: did she swoop in an opportunistic fashion or did she sincerely empathize? If she swooped in without at least saying something like, that sucks, then I can see why you would feel resentful.

Is she generally a good friend? Sometimes we can all act in a greedy or regrettable manner. If she’s overall a good friend, then maybe some distance will help.

If she’s not been a good friend, then do what you want: ghost, say you found another buyer, etc.

RE: the $2k, to not feel so bad about it, you can look at it like a gym membership. $167/mo for a gym membership is not out of bounds.

OP here. Yes, she did swoop in as soon as she learned that the buyer backed out. She almost immediately had reserved movers and someone to disassemble it tomorrow, literally within 10 minutes of the conversation about the buyer backing out (this makes me wonder if she had already prearranged this because she knew before me that the buyer was backing out, and if so, what was her involvement in that, though not sure how fair that is). Our other friend has pointed out that she could have offered to message her friend group while I was dealing with packing, etc, to help me find another last minute buyer because she knows a lot of expats with the means to pay for it (her kids stable/pony friends' parents, etc) but her priority seemed to be locking down the free treadmill for herself as quickly as possible.

I don't know. I am not great with confrontation, so I will probably just remain very guarded and not talk much when she comes tomorrow to take it. Then I will let the friendship fade.

Thanks for the replies here. I have found myself in situations in the past where I let someone take advantage of me. It's my own character flaw or personal issue, I guess. I am going to try to be more guarded in the future.

I’m sorry but it is pretty ridiculous for you to expect her to help you find a buyer. I can’t imagine someone wanting me to reach out to my friends to sell something used for them.

I think you should just take this treadmill with you back home if it means so much to you.

I am a rich SAHM. DH lets me spend what I want and if I wanted this, I would have bought it from you. I don’t normally like to buy items used. I would rather buy the treadmill new. I once had a friend who was moving who had a bike and was moving. I tried out her bike and it was ok but I didn’t love it. She wanted $100 for the $500 bike. When she moved, she did not give me the bike. I would have taken it for free but she didn’t offer and I didn’t ask. She would rather take the bike than give it to me for free. We are still friends. No big deal.

Not all SAHM situations are the same. Some husbands are very controlling with how the money is spent.

I DIDN'T expect her to help me find a buyer. Our other friend pointed out that it would have been more, well, friend-like, if she had OFFERED to do that herself, knowing the buyer had withdrawn and I am spending the last day packing.

The treadmill itself isn't that important to me. The relationship with my friend was the important thing. The treadmill issue is just an episode in the friendship.

Anyway, the issue here, I see, is that I need to be less weak and more careful in choosing my friends.

The more you post, the more I’m with friend B. There was never any way she could win with you. You clearly never liked her, and that’s a ridiculous expectation btw.

We got a taker posting here. They always pop up in these posts to justify their selfish ways.

DP here. I also think the OP never likes the friend.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you are really mad at the friend - she’s annoying and sort of a user, yes, but you are out of there so who cares? I think you are mad at yourself for not holding your boundary of not wanting to give it to her and not being assertive is sticking to your no response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She's here. She brought her husband for some reason. She knows it is awkward and they are avoiding me. I am fuming.

Yes, it is my fault for saying yes. I am horrible with conflict and am I am going to be a more selfish person in the future.

OP again. Can I just reiterate how irritated I am that she brought her husband and the two of them are now in the room with the treadmill, watching them dismantle it. He didn't even greet me; they walked past me as if I am the help. So, yeah, I guess the PP who observed earlier that the "friendship" is just one of convenience to her was correct.

Anyway, thanks for those who commented here, even to tell me I'm irresponsible (I probably am). This is something I've known I need to work on with myself (learning to back away from friendships that are one-sided). I lost my parents young (in college) and I've long had a tendency to hold onto relationships I should let go because of that, I think. I'm working on it with my online therapist. I'm going to be more selfish and more guarded in my new location.

I think you seem abnormally angry at your friend. If I were picking up some large item, I would take my husband.

I have a treadmill and rower in my basement I want to get rid of. I would gladly give it to a friend.

You seem to think your treadmill is worth more than it is worth. You should have just sold it for $50 or $200 or whatever price someone would have paid for it. $200 seems very petty to be this upset and angry over.

Because the "friend" is an a-turd.

She should have at least offered to take OP out for a nice meal, or given her a couple hundred dollars, or done something. OP didn't tell the friend that she'd be doing a favor to take the treadmill off her hands. The friend was being a vulture. (No offense to actual vultures, who are fine animals and an important part of the ecosystem.)

I must have read OP’s post differently. The friend seemed to want to continue the friendship, visit OP, asked OP what is wrong, etc.

OP seems hyper focused on the treadmill that she is seething with resentment. Maybe I’m missing something.

I had a friend who moved out of the country recently. Her family were vultures. I guess it is ok if it is family but not a friend. She had furniture she spent thousands of dollars on that she would get hundreds for (10%).

I went and took a bunch of stuff.

This is what happens when people move. My friend absolutely was annoyed at how “greedy” her family was. They still are family.

So you happily joined in with the other vultures? Are you proud of yourself? One of the worst things family members do to one another is "treat each other like family." People use that phrase to excuse a lot of rude and selfish behavior. We should treat our family more like honored guests since they are so important instead of treating them less than.

We have a seven figure income. I am not a vulture. I have taken some kitchen supplies when I was in grad school and recently, my friend gave me some board games. They wanted me to take larger items but I didn’t want them. One friend wanted to sell her dining table to me and I didn’t want it. It was a very expensive table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you are really mad at the friend - she’s annoying and sort of a user, yes, but you are out of there so who cares? I think you are mad at yourself for not holding your boundary of not wanting to give it to her and not being assertive is sticking to your no response.

It was fully in her control to say no even on Sunday. But yes hope she learns from this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm going to be more selfish and more guarded in my new location.

It's not being selfish or guarded, it is having boundaries. "I'm not giving it away, I am going to continue to search for another buyer until I leave."

+1. As a person who had to learn this skill as an adult, it was important for me to understand that the very nature of my previously boundary-less behavior made boundaries feel like I was being "mean". When your pendulum has always swung so far left, there's a tendency to swing hard right to reset, when the best approach is generally in the middle. And the trick is figuring out why you don't think you deserve courtesy, respect, or however else you define feeling heard. People who are self-assured can say "no" easily, pleasantly, and with no drama. They don't overreact or feel guilt or anger because they understand they're not doing anyone a disservice by protecting themselves. That the world has lots of takers (and lots of generosity too, if you look for it), and recognizing them and responding accordingly doesn't make one a bad person.

The hardest part for me was losing a few long-term friendships I came to realize were largely based on my accommodating behavior that did not benefit me. When I set boundaries those friends were not happy at all, and bailed. I had read a few books on the subject and heeded the advice that people who benefit from using you are not happy when you change the rules, so I was ready for it. But still sad.

It's never too late OP to become someone you're proud of. If this lifetime lesson costs you 2K, maybe it's not truly a loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does seem sketchy that B’s DH’s colleague would back out in such a way that benefits B, and that DH is shrewd (if this assessment is from OP, not sure). It does almost seem like a set up, but of course this is speculation.

I agree with the PP’s question: did she swoop in an opportunistic fashion or did she sincerely empathize? If she swooped in without at least saying something like, that sucks, then I can see why you would feel resentful.

Is she generally a good friend? Sometimes we can all act in a greedy or regrettable manner. If she’s overall a good friend, then maybe some distance will help.

If she’s not been a good friend, then do what you want: ghost, say you found another buyer, etc.

RE: the $2k, to not feel so bad about it, you can look at it like a gym membership. $167/mo for a gym membership is not out of bounds.

OP here. Yes, she did swoop in as soon as she learned that the buyer backed out. She almost immediately had reserved movers and someone to disassemble it tomorrow, literally within 10 minutes of the conversation about the buyer backing out (this makes me wonder if she had already prearranged this because she knew before me that the buyer was backing out, and if so, what was her involvement in that, though not sure how fair that is). Our other friend has pointed out that she could have offered to message her friend group while I was dealing with packing, etc, to help me find another last minute buyer because she knows a lot of expats with the means to pay for it (her kids stable/pony friends' parents, etc) but her priority seemed to be locking down the free treadmill for herself as quickly as possible.

I don't know. I am not great with confrontation, so I will probably just remain very guarded and not talk much when she comes tomorrow to take it. Then I will let the friendship fade.

Thanks for the replies here. I have found myself in situations in the past where I let someone take advantage of me. It's my own character flaw or personal issue, I guess. I am going to try to be more guarded in the future.

I’m sorry but it is pretty ridiculous for you to expect her to help you find a buyer. I can’t imagine someone wanting me to reach out to my friends to sell something used for them.

I think you should just take this treadmill with you back home if it means so much to you.

I am a rich SAHM. DH lets me spend what I want and if I wanted this, I would have bought it from you. I don’t normally like to buy items used. I would rather buy the treadmill new. I once had a friend who was moving who had a bike and was moving. I tried out her bike and it was ok but I didn’t love it. She wanted $100 for the $500 bike. When she moved, she did not give me the bike. I would have taken it for free but she didn’t offer and I didn’t ask. She would rather take the bike than give it to me for free. We are still friends. No big deal.

Not all SAHM situations are the same. Some husbands are very controlling with how the money is spent.

I DIDN'T expect her to help me find a buyer. Our other friend pointed out that it would have been more, well, friend-like, if she had OFFERED to do that herself, knowing the buyer had withdrawn and I am spending the last day packing.

The treadmill itself isn't that important to me. The relationship with my friend was the important thing. The treadmill issue is just an episode in the friendship.

Anyway, the issue here, I see, is that I need to be less weak and more careful in choosing my friends.

The more you post, the more I’m with friend B. There was never any way she could win with you. You clearly never liked her, and that’s a ridiculous expectation btw.

We got a taker posting here. They always pop up in these posts to justify their selfish ways.

Not at all. Everyone on here seems to miss the point that these two hung out daily. OP is also very judgmental: she wrote that her friend was “a kept woman” and seems to think she knows everything about how their finances and marriage are handled (she also insulted the husband).

Then OP wants her friend to peddle an item for her that the friend asked for. It’s the friend’s right to ask for the item, and it’s OO’s right to say no. Yet, OP is pissed because her friend couldn’t read her mind. Who in their right mind would do that for a friend? No most people on here would be starting threads on here saying…the nerve…

It sounds like OP wanted a pity party, and of course DCUM will always oblige.

[Anonymous]

OP your treadmill is only worth what someone is willing to pay, not what you paid for it. When I sold ours, I got a ton of responses on facebook marketplace so I probably could have sold it for more. No one is going to pay $1K for a used treadmill. So, you either accept her offer or donate it if you don't want to take it with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your treadmill is only worth what someone is willing to pay, not what you paid for it. When I sold ours, I got a ton of responses on facebook marketplace so I probably could have sold it for more. No one is going to pay $1K for a used treadmill. So, you either accept her offer or donate it if you don't want to take it with you.

I don’t think op realizes that a treadmill is not such a high value item as she thinks. Same as a weight set or rower. We have a peloton, treadmill, rower and weight set. I doubt anyone wants our used gym. I would not even bother trying to sell it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friend B always seems to get what she wants, doesn't she?

She kind of does. And maybe that's why she is now on a reduced budget, if that's true. When they bought the ponies a few months ago, they had their saddles and other gear shipped from the US; her daughter told me that her saddle cost $5000, and they have a few of these. I know my friend's husband told her they were NOT paying to ship the equestrian gear in, but she went ahead and did it anyway, so maybe he reduced her summer spending limit or something.

For me, the $1000 I had originally wanted for the treadmill would go to groceries or bills. I'm really disappointed in myself for feeling so angry about this because I think it is going to ruin our friendship. She just texted me a string of hearts and "I am so happy to be getting a treadmill at home, I really appreciate this." I don't know if I can get over this. I don't think her concept of "can't afford this" is the same as mine.

I would NEVER do that to a friend particularly a friend who has much less than me. It would be an opportunity for me to help my friend even more so knowing you probably have expenses related to your move. She's a taker and I would be po'd at her. You don't do that to people you love. What an opportunist.

I dunno. It sounds like a miscommunication since the friend texted her hearts and an appreciation text.

If I thought someone was giving me something, I would thank her and be happy too. If I knew how upset the friend was, I obviously would not take the item.

You have reading comprehension issues. The woman harangued her to get the treadmill for free. She texted her hearts and that makes everything right? Are you for real?

Did you not read that that used to hang out daily and that the friend wanted to keep in touch and go visit OP? You read the parts you want. I could be that other friend, completely clueless about some item that I thought my good friend was giving to me. I already have a treadmill and I wouldn’t want this.