Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

I think you should imagine your life alone, raising your child alone. Would you rather spend your life alone or with your spouse.? That is your real choice. You may not be able to find a suitable new spouse, and if you remarry, it may not be an improvement. If you think your life would be better for you and your daughter alone, then perhaps divorce is the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Every single last one of your posts has been about achievement and money. It's about money for you. Save your attempt to painting yourself as a victim because you don't like being called out for your toxicity.

PPs are right, you are immature and emotionally abusive, but these are the least of your problems. Your real issue is you suffer from a major personality flaw or disorder that is unlikely to be corrected and you will be miserable in any marriage you have. What's even sadder is eventually you will have the same nasty attitude towards your daughter when she fails to be the exact extension of yourself you think she should be,

You’re being intentionally dense. Yes I respect achievement and the ability to make money is one manifestation of that. Valuing achievement does not mean you have a personality disorder nor does it mean you are emotionally abusive. I don’t think the dynamics of my relationship are healthy but that fact is absolutely a 2 way street.

And if you just know, it is my husband obsessed with my daughter’s future achievement, not me. I guess it is easier to fantasize about what she might do than actually do something himself.

I married someone thinking we shared values, and I made a mistake. I don’t think I am a victim. I think I made a mistake that has consequences. I need to make the best decision for the future now instead of just staying stuck like I on I have been.

Still think, OP is not emtotinally abusive,PP? This is how she responds to someone on the internet not willing toplay her game. Imagine how she is at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

DH here: I’m going to go against the weight of the thread here. You don’t sound awful or greedy or abusive to me. In fact you’ve been admirably clear with him, it sounds, and he isn’t really responding. (There are certainly times in my life where your kind of directness would have allowed me to make necessary changes sooner than later, and it took me longer to figure it out that it needed to.).

The question is why? And what to do about it? It sounds to me like he is an otherwise-decent guy and that this issue isn’t fully played out yet. I also think that if you pull the plug and try (emphasis try because the other men get a vote too) to find a new husband, you are more likely that not to downgrade, rather than upgrade. He might be depressed, he might have a yet undiagnosed mental health issue, could be a lot of things, but I suspect that fixing the physical issue will address a lot of this. (A few months in the weight room alone could go a long way toward fixing this, potentially.) IMO your best next move is counseling, and in it you should pull no punches about how you feel, that doesn’t do him any favors. Indeed in that setting you might want to be even more direct and painfully explicit, and the counselor might be able to help frame that message in a way he can understand. It is cards on the table time. But leave him a path forward. Positively reinforce any improvement he makes. But you also have to try to change your thinking too. At this point, it will be easy for you to not notice improvements by wallowing in the lack of respect, and you need to kind of fake it until you make it on that issue too. Pretend you respect him and see where that leads.

OP's actions are emotionally abusive we can't mitigate them or explain it away just because she's a woman. There's nothing admirable about emotional abuse.

She does not sound emotionally abusive. It sounds like she does not want time be married anymore. When respect is gone and contempt sets in, it is time to end it. I say this as someone who listened to the “stay” nonsense. I “stayed” for 10 years in a miserable marriage. This does not get better. People need to pull the plug instead of wasting years like I did.

2 things can be true. She doesn't want to be married any more, and her language to her husband is emotionally abusive. And if you were speaking to your ex-husband the way OP is you were emotionally abusive too.

We had other issues. But it does not matter. She does not want to be married and miserable. They are not a match for marriage. She should get out sooner rather than later. Delaying an inevitable divorce is the worst decision.

I will agree with you that OP should divorce, one a person has crossed into emotional abuse of their partner their's no coming back from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Every single last one of your posts has been about achievement and money. It's about money for you. Save your attempt to painting yourself as a victim because you don't like being called out for your toxicity.

PPs are right, you are immature and emotionally abusive, but these are the least of your problems. Your real issue is you suffer from a major personality flaw or disorder that is unlikely to be corrected and you will be miserable in any marriage you have. What's even sadder is eventually you will have the same nasty attitude towards your daughter when she fails to be the exact extension of yourself you think she should be,

You’re being intentionally dense. Yes I respect achievement and the ability to make money is one manifestation of that. Valuing achievement does not mean you have a personality disorder nor does it mean you are emotionally abusive. I don’t think the dynamics of my relationship are healthy but that fact is absolutely a 2 way street.

And if you just know, it is my husband obsessed with my daughter’s future achievement, not me. I guess it is easier to fantasize about what she might do than actually do something himself.

I married someone thinking we shared values, and I made a mistake. I don’t think I am a victim. I think I made a mistake that has consequences. I need to make the best decision for the future now instead of just staying stuck like I on I have been.

Nothing in your OP or replies suggests this. Everything you shared here points to you being a toxic individual. And yes you do think of yourself as a victim, you don't actually have to use those words for it to be so, Your entire language in this thread is meant to draw sympathy to your side. You also become disproportionately angry when you're called out on your BS.
Valuing achievement does not mean you have a personality, disorder, , but that's also not what I said. But a good example of the manipulative, language twisting and gaslighting behavior of a toxic personality disordered person not getting what she wants. Whic is to be told she's a victim, and her husband is holding her back from her greatness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you basically just had a child with the guy, but now have so little respect for him that you want to leave him? Was his weight, lack of job ambition, etc. not an issue a couple years ago?

You should look into psychological help. Don't listen to the loser who has posted a bunch of responses here urging you to just get a divorce and not worry about your daughter.

If she feels contempt, this will not change. Staying in this situation will make it worse later—for everyone, including the kid.

Nonsense. You can absolutely change even if you feel contempt. She will never have a successful relationship until she understands this.

This is not true. If there is contempt, it is usually too far gone.

I speak from experience when I say I once had contempt for my husband and when I realized it was a ME problem and stopped it, everything got better, including his “problems” like his weight and his career. It’s amazing what people can do when their spouse treats them with love and respect and support.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Every single last one of your posts has been about achievement and money. It's about money for you. Save your attempt to painting yourself as a victim because you don't like being called out for your toxicity.

PPs are right, you are immature and emotionally abusive, but these are the least of your problems. Your real issue is you suffer from a major personality flaw or disorder that is unlikely to be corrected and you will be miserable in any marriage you have. What's even sadder is eventually you will have the same nasty attitude towards your daughter when she fails to be the exact extension of yourself you think she should be,

You’re being intentionally dense. Yes I respect achievement and the ability to make money is one manifestation of that. Valuing achievement does not mean you have a personality disorder nor does it mean you are emotionally abusive. I don’t think the dynamics of my relationship are healthy but that fact is absolutely a 2 way street.

And if you just know, it is my husband obsessed with my daughter’s future achievement, not me. I guess it is easier to fantasize about what she might do than actually do something himself.

I married someone thinking we shared values, and I made a mistake. I don’t think I am a victim. I think I made a mistake that has consequences. I need to make the best decision for the future now instead of just staying stuck like I on I have been.

Nothing in your OP or replies suggests this. Everything you shared here points to you being a toxic individual. And yes you do think of yourself as a victim, you don't actually have to use those words for it to be so, Your entire language in this thread is meant to draw sympathy to your side. You also become disproportionately angry when you're called out on your BS.
Valuing achievement does not mean you have a personality, disorder, , but that's also not what I said. But a good example of the manipulative, language twisting and gaslighting behavior of a toxic personality disordered person not getting what she wants. Whic is to be told she's a victim, and her husband is holding her back from her greatness.

If anything, this OP is holding her husband back from greatness with her contempt and disrespect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you basically just had a child with the guy, but now have so little respect for him that you want to leave him? Was his weight, lack of job ambition, etc. not an issue a couple years ago?

You should look into psychological help. Don't listen to the loser who has posted a bunch of responses here urging you to just get a divorce and not worry about your daughter.

If she feels contempt, this will not change. Staying in this situation will make it worse later—for everyone, including the kid.

Nonsense. You can absolutely change even if you feel contempt. She will never have a successful relationship until she understands this.

This is not true. If there is contempt, it is usually too far gone.

I speak from experience when I say I once had contempt for my husband and when I realized it was a ME problem and stopped it, everything got better, including his “problems” like his weight and his career. It’s amazing what people can do when their spouse treats them with love and respect and support.

Okay, so in your situation the problem was you. In most cases it is fundamental incompatibility that causes contempt. And best to divorce and not continue misery. It is over when love and respect is gone due to lack of a shared live and lack of a shared vision and basic incompatibility building a life. That does not sound like that was a problem for you. It is for OP.

[Anonymous]

People are being unnecessarily harsh on OP. If she would be happier not married to her spouse, divorce earlier is better. But she she do it because she would prefer to be single not married to this person. Pairing up again should not be part of the equation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Every single last one of your posts has been about achievement and money. It's about money for you. Save your attempt to painting yourself as a victim because you don't like being called out for your toxicity.

PPs are right, you are immature and emotionally abusive, but these are the least of your problems. Your real issue is you suffer from a major personality flaw or disorder that is unlikely to be corrected and you will be miserable in any marriage you have. What's even sadder is eventually you will have the same nasty attitude towards your daughter when she fails to be the exact extension of yourself you think she should be,

You’re being intentionally dense. Yes I respect achievement and the ability to make money is one manifestation of that. Valuing achievement does not mean you have a personality disorder nor does it mean you are emotionally abusive. I don’t think the dynamics of my relationship are healthy but that fact is absolutely a 2 way street.

And if you just know, it is my husband obsessed with my daughter’s future achievement, not me. I guess it is easier to fantasize about what she might do than actually do something himself.

I married someone thinking we shared values, and I made a mistake. I don’t think I am a victim. I think I made a mistake that has consequences. I need to make the best decision for the future now instead of just staying stuck like I on I have been.

Still think, OP is not emtotinally abusive,PP? This is how she responds to someone on the internet not willing toplay her game. Imagine how she is at home.

No, she is not being emotionally abusive. She made a mistake; they are not compatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

Do you disrespect a lot of other people? What qualities in people make you disrespect them?

I think you are getting pushback here because many respondents don’t disrespect the same things you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Of course this is DCUM so everyone wants to make this about money, but it’s not about money. It’s about respect and how I don’t have any left for DH.

I am also not under the delusion that I’ll easily find a new husband, although yes that would be what I want. I married ty he wrong person, and I may have/probably did lose out on the chance to have my most dearly held dream of a happy marriage to a man I admire and respect.

So now I have the unenviable choice of learning to accept being married to a man I don’t respect or get divorced at 37 with a toddler and face that fate.

It’s a tough spot. Really not sure which path to take.

DH here: I’m going to go against the weight of the thread here. You don’t sound awful or greedy or abusive to me. In fact you’ve been admirably clear with him, it sounds, and he isn’t really responding. (There are certainly times in my life where your kind of directness would have allowed me to make necessary changes sooner than later, and it took me longer to figure it out that it needed to.).

The question is why? And what to do about it? It sounds to me like he is an otherwise-decent guy and that this issue isn’t fully played out yet. I also think that if you pull the plug and try (emphasis try because the other men get a vote too) to find a new husband, you are more likely that not to downgrade, rather than upgrade. He might be depressed, he might have a yet undiagnosed mental health issue, could be a lot of things, but I suspect that fixing the physical issue will address a lot of this. (A few months in the weight room alone could go a long way toward fixing this, potentially.) IMO your best next move is counseling, and in it you should pull no punches about how you feel, that doesn’t do him any favors. Indeed in that setting you might want to be even more direct and painfully explicit, and the counselor might be able to help frame that message in a way he can understand. It is cards on the table time. But leave him a path forward. Positively reinforce any improvement he makes. But you also have to try to change your thinking too. At this point, it will be easy for you to not notice improvements by wallowing in the lack of respect, and you need to kind of fake it until you make it on that issue too. Pretend you respect him and see where that leads.

Are you really asking why OP's husband hasn't magically transformed himself into a law firm partner who looks like Brad Pitt?

Why hasn't OP become Princess Kate? Huh? Her husband asked four times already.

Your partner isn't under an obligation to become a fundamentally different person than they are just because you don't like them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might be in the minority, but I think if you’re unhappy and think you can find/create a better life for yourself and your kid after divorcing this guy then, do it. If this is where you are now, you’ll eventually get divorced or cheat on him.

+1

However, there is no guarantee you will find a husband who meets all of your qualifications. You, as a human, also have flaws. If you divorce, you will be a single mom who is likely paying alimony and child support. You might find more ambitious and high achieving men who are not that great with your daughter, who want more kids with you, who have their own kids, who have exwives to deal with. They might not have personalities you like, or compatible life goals, or limited things in common. They might want you to compromise more, or be higher achieving. You are trading the devil you know for the devil you don't.

I have a lot of friends who are singles moms. They are happy and content. But they are not dating much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With a kid in the picture, I kind of think you owe it to her to try and fix things, but you don't have to be a martyr either. I'd recommend counseling. We were in a bad spot last year and I despaired that we were too far gone for counseling, but it has helped both of us tremendously. And around some of the same issues you mention too. For us, we found a counselor trained in the Imago approach and really like it: https://www.imagorelationshipswork.com/

NP. We did Imago before we got married to ironed out some issues and it was extremely beneficial.

[Anonymous]

OP you should divorce. Honestly, I think you'll be so happy. Especially since you don't rely on your husband financially. Make sure that you and your husband co-parent gracefully. I was in a situation like yours. It's amazing how my feelings for my ex shifted once I no longer wanted him to be my husband. We could move into more suitable roles, and therefore respect each other. He is a great dad and my kid sees us working well together to parent her. I also have a new relationship that fits me MUCH better, because now I have a clearer view of what I really need from a romantic partner and how to spot it. Food luck! and to hell with all the haters!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the female version of the mid-life crisis.

Look, there is basically nothing worse you are likely to do to your daughter than divorce her father. If you care about her, as opposed to just yourself, you need to buckle down.

+1

Yeah, this is OP's midlife crisis. Not being dismissive, OP. Just keep identifying what it is. I am certain this is very, very real to you. But it is a.crisis that can be resolved. Mostly by you in individual therapy with individual therapy for DH. Just know that the grass is always greener is a well worn saying for a reason - you don't want to get divorced and be just as miserable two years later.